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Desperate: Desperate wife looking for help!!!!

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    • CommentAuthormariselas
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008
     
    • Comments: 1
    • Joined: Jul 26th 2008
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    8 years ago my husband cheated on me, I forgived him and gave both another chance to work things out in the merriage. Throught out the years we both tried to make things better it was very hard for me to forget his betral and think I could trust him again. Even thogh things got better, I fought very hard to belive in him once again, but his actions and his personality gave me a sense of insecurity. He does not communicate with me about us ..our relationship is based on our childrens and for sometime it did not bother me, but lately I feel there is nothing there and the relationship has become very cold. I spoken to him a few times about this and told him he needs to change with me otherwise the relationship we have its going to end. He always says he is going to work on it and that its just my insecurity the problem. A couple of weeks back I found out he talks on the phone with who knows who since he knows I will check the bill he now when and purchase a phone card so I do not know who he talks to. This bothered me so much, since he does have time to talk to others but does not take time to communicate with me or have time to talk to me. I feel very bad and told him I was just very tired and told him to leave if he was not happy here. He says he loves me and my children but blames me for not letting do what he wanted in life. This is just not longer acceptable for me and think my love for him is no longer there. I'm afraid this marrriage will end and would like some feed back to help me decide what to do about this.

    Thank you for your help
    Mary
    • CommentAuthorRay
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2008
     
    • Comments: 47
    • Joined: Dec 25th 2006
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    Mary,
    You start your story with "8 years ago my husband cheated on me". What was before that? How long were you married before the "8 years ago"? It is wonderful for you to find forgiveness and try to build trust (even over eight years), but it looks like your husband is not helping here. It looks like you both now have different definitions of "love". He gives a lot away about his thinking when he says he does not get to do what he wants in life. Yes, we all have our private dreams, but in a marriage some part of the private things should be shared. (Oh, and a great way to improve your own satisfaction is to share with another. Example: Is it as much fun to see a movie alone, or with another person?)

    It is not so good that your husband wants to talk to others on the phone and hide it from you. This goes back to the time he betrayed his trust, 8 years ago. But I feel there is more important things at the moment. You write that he #1 says he loves you and your children and #2 he is going to work on our relationship. This is a case of "tomorrow never comes - it's always tomorrow, not today". Whether he loves you or not, he will not get around to working on his relationship as things are now.

    In your husbands "wants" for his own life, is there a way to include you? Maybe not, but you could talk about dreams, both yours and his. That means taking time to be alone, no kids, and talk about the future. Do not start out talking about the present, because you both will put up defenses.

    Mary, you might have a lot of work to do, and I hope your husband might begin to work with you.
    • CommentAuthorshohn
    • CommentTimeJul 30th 2008
     
    • Comments: 496
    • Joined: Nov 1st 2006
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    Mary,

    Not sure how much I can help other than hind sight being 20/20 - but if you would like more of a guy's point of view I can do my best to translate. First of all - he is human - and so when you mention work on the relationship - does he have a clue what that means? Are you guys just busy all the time? It happens. He may actually mean to work on it, but then forgets or gets side tracked. It sounds like he doesn't know or understand what it is that you are needing from him - think of it as perhaps beating a dog that doesn't understand why it is being beaten.

    What books have you read about this - were they helpful or not really? I suggest divorcebusters, 5 love languages, and several others. Learn as much about men and women and how they interact as you can. Learn as much about yourself as you possibly can.

    A couple of thoughts - If he does not want to talk to you, that may be that your own insecurity is building up a wall such that he can't. It is hard to see but it happens.

    Where is God in all of this?


    Relationships becoming cold - it happens. What can YOU to do to energize it? What matters is the commitment IMHO.


    Also try to rise above the but he but he but he ..... thing....

    Though you may not be "in love" with each other - do you agape each other? Sound like you did since you forgave him.

    As far as him talking to other people more than you - what things could you get involved with that perhaps he would be interested in?

    What were you like when you guys were dating? What changed?

    Read read read.... learn learn learn... keep a journal / spreadsheet or whatever to find out what works and what doesn't. implement... and toss perfection out the window.... just accept it. He's not a science project, but it does serve you to understand him better because by doing so - you will understand yourself better.

    It is brave of you to come here looking for answers. I hope some of this helped. If nothing else, I again offer my support in translating what or why he may be doing certain things. Females seem to have a game up on many relationship things that some of us men don't figure out until 30 years down the road, so please remember that.

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