my wife of 12 years tells me she loves me as a best friend and our 2 childrens father but not in love with me anymore.to cut a long story short i have not payed her and the kids alot of attention over the last year and feels used by me.she feels i do not trust her when she goes out because when she gets back i start an argument about who she has spoken to or where shes been,its not that i dont trust her she is very atrctive and i suppose i worry some one will try and take her away.we still talk and get on really well,still sleep in the same bed and still kiss and joke about yet she says it is over and to late to make things right again,she has given me time to stay in our home but says it will make no difference she wont love me again no matter what i do.i am trying to make things right but feel there is no hope and i really dont want to lose this wonderfull woman which i love so much,please can anybody help with this situation its taring me apart.she says to little to late

not quite the answer i was after i hear of people working things out off so many people but how do they manage this i cannot just give in or let go when i know others can get through these kind of problems,i know she still cares deeply for me is this enough to base hope on?

Danny

Yes there is hope for your marriage but it will be a long and difficult time for you and your wife. That she still cares deeply for you is a good sign. That you can laugh together, is a good sign. That you can kiss is a good sign. But you must get things into perspective and realize this may be one of the most difficult things you will ever face in life. Getting a marriage back on track is hard. The pain will be great as will the disappointment, remorse and helpless feelings you will experience. But when you make advances, the rewards are so great. I heard many of those exact same words from my wife 8 months ago and we are still together, still working at our marriage and are, as a couple, in a better relationship than we have been for many years. Are we out of the woods yet? No, but we are both still trying and that’s important.

You will need to have some long and difficult conversations with your wife. You both need to get it all out on the table. You need to both start this on a level playing field so you both know what you need to do if you are to be successful. What bugs her, you, the both of you. The big and the small need to come out. This needs to be a calm set of conversations. No yelling, no accusing just understanding what need to be done. Nothing in your email indicates this to me but you need to ask her, in a caring and concerned way, if there is someone else, physically or emotionally. If this came out of the blue for you there is a possibility. If there is, there is still hope but the job will be more difficult. Let me start with my mantra. Patience, Love, Faith and Confidence. If you’ve been lurking for a while you will have seen me touch on these many times.

Patience: This may take a very long time. I have been at it for 8 months. My wife and I have had only one brief instance of passionate kissing and that was just a couple weeks ago. She has only told me she loves me twice and qualifies it with but I’m not in love with you. We have had no sexual encounters of any kind. All of these things are difficult but not having her love is the hardest of all. Do not push for solutions. You didn’t get here overnight and it won’t get fixed overnight either. Both of you need to be prepared. If you can get her to agree, seek out a family councilor that you both agree on. This is imperative in order to get things going.

Love: Show your love for her but don’t smother her. Shohn’s suggestion of reading the Five Language of Love by Chapman is a great idea.. It may help you see the things that make her feel loved. If gift giving is low on her list sending flowers won’t do any good. In fact it could make her angry. Don’t overdue it. Take your time and consistently show her you love her. Let her know it is a strong but patient love and that she is worth working for and waiting for.

Faith: Find, strengthen or renew your relationship with God. Ask for His help and guidance. He is there for you and wants your marriage go thrive. Marriage is by his design after all. Find time to pray to Him when possible. Whether in a place of worship or during a walk, at your desk, where ever. Let your faith provide you with hope and direction. As I have said before, placing your fate in His hands does not preclude Him in guiding yours in the decisions you make. Hang on to your faith though out this ordeal.

Confidence: Don’t fall apart in front of her. It’s one of the worst things you can do. Women tend to respect strong confident men. If you are blubbering all over the place she will question your strength to be able to do what you need to do to turn this around. Speak with her about the issues as unemotionally as possible. Caring and concerned but composed as well. It will be difficult but with time it gets easier.

Follow these four basic concepts and keep you spirits up. Don’t dwell on the past or the what might be’s. Concentrate on what needs to happen to pull your marriage back together. Work on those issues that bother her. You can’t fix them all at once so work on the most critical first. If your wife asks you to make changes make sure you can do them and live with them from here on out. More than likely if she is asking you to change, she is asking you to go back and be the kind of man she fell in love with, so you are not really changing. If she thinks you can’t change assure her you can in a confident manner. My wife thought the same thing and here we are, 8 month down the road and I’ve had nary a back slide. She never thought I could. Commit to those changes for life.

A couple of other suggestions. Start a journal for your own sanity, not to ever be shared with her. These are your thoughts and emotions and if the two of you can start down this road together, looking back on your entries will help you understand your progress as well as your errors. Also if you have a close family member or friend you can confide in, do so. You will need the support now and down the road. Pick some one with empathy and understanding. Take a look for some books that might help with your situation and read them. Stay busy in your work and leisure time. And most importantly, don’t lose track of your kids during this period. They need you to be their dad and for you to love them no matter what.

There is hope for you and your wife but it will be difficult. Proceed with caution and care.

Good luck and God bless.

Lignarius

btw.... if you take my advise.... in moving out..... then yes .... the confidence rule takes place....

wanted to clarify.....(my husbands idea of confidence is to have woman call my cell and to get drunk and tell me how much better he can do...... do not do this, i have excepted it as his own insecurities, but i can not say that all would) confidence is ... not beggign to come back home..... but still letting her know you love and cherish her......occasionally make her make the first move.....make the call, or surprise visit..... if she calls and needs someone to talk to..... give her that.... dont get angry and jealous of her conversation.... tough it out and be a man (a lot of things we say are out of hurt and just trying to get a reaction to kinda gain power.... "yes i am honest") maybe send her flowers here and there.... not every day as if you are desperate.... more like once a month.... or when ever you come to your own realizations.... dont focus on what she needs to fix.... instead focus on your self and when you have realized a flaw.... acknowledge it in a card, email, flowers .... etc. with an apology... and promise that you are trying to fix this about yourself..... do not jump to justifying and accusing and trying to make your faults equal.... she has to realize hers on her own.... and the best chance at that is being on her own for real....

if she goes ahead and files for divorce.... then as much as i hate to admit it.... the love was not there....

but... remember.... GOD CAN WORK WITH ANY CIRCUMSTANCES...... so while to the human eye it may look that way... it is not necessarily true as he is all powerful... remember him always.... and you will come out ahead....


and yes.... one of our biggest problems tends to be that you are not the man we fell in love with, not the man you claimed to be when we met.... that you no longer pursue and or value me as you did when we married.... you arent romantic any more.... etc. i am generalizing now.... but us woman.... i have noticed have the biggest complaint that our spouse is not the man we married....