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Desperate: End of my rope!

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    • CommentAuthorFreeSC
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2007
     
    • Comments: 1
    • Joined: Dec 3rd 2007
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    My marriage is barely existant at all.
    I've been married 4-1/2 years. For the last 2-1/2 years, I have worked out of town and been gone 3 nights/week (maximum). Over a year ago, I got full custody of my youngest son (15 now) who is a very sweet special needs child. In March, my wife started her own business (which we really didn't have the money to do). Money has been extremely tight, but my wife (despite my rare and gentle urgings) would not go back to work full-time. She quit her job several years ago, 3 months after we bought a larger house, while we were still paying for both of our houses from before our marriage. 4 months ago, my wife left, and moved in with her sister (1/2 mile away).

    Other factors:
    -She is a highly perfectionistic personality. She considers me to be a slob (not in my eyes) and blames me for the house being messy, althugh I'm only really there on weekends. She also refuses to ask our 2 oldest sons to help clean, even though they are grown.
    -She blames me for my 1st wife calling my oldest son and having "high emotion" conversations. My first wife is a very emotionally-damaged woman.
    -She said, during councilling with our pastor, that I didn't love her anymore, because she has wants and needs, and she should not have to tell me what they are; I should "just know". When our pastor told her that humans don't make good mind readers and that she HAD to tell me what she wanted, she got FURIOUS!
    -She NEVER apologizes- even after telling me that she hates me; and calling me a "male chavanist pig" in front of the children. When she proudly admitted to our pastor that she never apologizes, he asked, "WHY?" She just sat there.....
    -She always avoids uncomfortable situations. She holds her feelings and frustrations inside until she reaches boiling point, and then EXPLODES! Over the last year, the frequency of these explosions has increased (until she left).
    -I have reason to believe that she was molested or raped as a young girl; and I believe this is why she has a history of failed relationships and lack of commitment.
    -Since meeting with our pastor, she has had NO interest in going to any more marriage councilling....

    I love this woman with all of my heart. While the above may make her sound pretty bad, most of it is things I have only recently (last 9 months) seen in her. She is an attractive, intelligent, and (I believed) Christian woman. I would give my life for her.

    Over the last 4 months of our separation, we have grown farther apart, although I have tried desparately to provide only positive experiences between us (dates and afternoon walks together) and I have almost totally refused to argue with her.

    I have tried turning this over to God, but as an engineer trained to fix problems, am really struggling with this.

    I am trying to give her even more space - basically barely talking to her, and keeping any discussions neutral and not about our relationship - but we continue to grow farther apart. Nothing seems to work.

    Advice???????????????????????????????????????

    Please pray for me, and for healing of my wife's mind, spirit, and body.
    • CommentAuthorLignarius
    • CommentTimeDec 4th 2007
     
    • Comments: 42
    • Joined: Oct 30th 2007
    permalink
    Free

    That’s quite a laundry list. First off I’d say you need to meet with a counselor to help you better understand the situation and try to find a way to get your wife to meet with them also. While a religious leader can present you with spiritual support, if they are not trained in family counseling they aren’t the best option to treat the technical issues in your relationship. Maybe your wife would be more receptive to someone on a clinical basis. Even if money is tight, if you want to salvage the marriage or in worse case prepare yourself for a divorce, investing in a professional would be money well spent. If your wife did have a catastrophic event in her childhood and it still affects her she definitely needs to see one.

    I didn’t understand the logistics of your relationship. You stated that she left and moved in with her sister but you have two grown sons. Are they still in the house? Are they from the current marriage? I’m a little foggy on things there.

    I’m sure you’ve thought of this but if her behavior changed just nine months ago was there something you can think of that might have triggered it? Also has she had medical examination to see if there is something else causing it? Lots of different factors can cause emotional changes. Would she be receptive to seeing a physician? Be careful how you broach this subject. She may not react well.

    Fix what you can in yourself for now. She has to be active in this if she is going to correct her own behaviors. I don’t sense she is ready for that now. If she has hot buttons, make improvements. Keeping the house tidy is about as easy a problem to fix in a relationship as there is out there. But commit to it for the long haul. Not just while the pressure is on.

    I guess from the small amount of information you’ve given, I’d describe your wife as inflexible at this point and that will be a tough challenge to get her to take steps to rectify the marriage. Giving her space would make sense but let her know you love her and care about her well being. Since you are apart, an occasional note or card might be good. Maybe open an Email dialog with her. The walks are a great idea. What about lunch every couple of weeks? I don’t know about not arguing with her. Don’t sell yourself out to try and fix her problems. If she’s wrong, she’s wrong and you need to gently tell her why. My experience tells me most women do not want to be married to a wet noodle. But in times of crisis we can error in this strategy and give in too much. Again seek counsel to find better ways to address this.

    I’m sure if you have been lurking around this site long my mantra is Confidence, Love, Patience and Faith. Those are the things I rely on when things aren’t going well at home. So far they seem to work for me. Knock, knock!

    Continue to seek God’s help. Ask him to help you find your way and to touch her to want to correct her problems and reach out back to you. Continue to see your pastor for your own spiritual needs and advice. Pray, pray and then pray some more. Remember, people can and do change. Sometimes very quickly but more often it will take time. Keep the faith……

    Bless

    Lignarius

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