My husband and I went to counseling for the first time 2 days ago. On the way, we talked and realized that we were talking more and better now than ever before. I thought that was a good thing and I am grateful to God for it. The counseling session was pretty good for the first one. My husband did a lot of the talking but didn't have many answers to the counselors questions. At the time, I thought he wasn't comfortable with the situation or just trying to avoid the truth. He said that he wanted to continue with counseling but wanted to discuss it and make an appointment later. So, yesterday, I emailed him asking him to think about it and he emailed me back that he couldn't talk about it right then and we would talk later. Well, he had some things to take care off after dinner and when he came home. So, we never really took the time to talk.
All day long, I thought about the things the counselor said. One of which was to find a couple of specific things that we each would change to make it better. I had already realized that I had not always treated him as well as I should have but in the last month I have tried to change that by telling him how much I loved him and how good he was to me. I wanted to build him up rather than tear him down. I also replayed a lot of our life together over in my head and felt so many regrets about the way I treated him. One thing that I don't know if I can even forgive myself for is blaming him for my unhappiness and punishing him by blaming him and putting him down. I decided that one of my goals would be to make myself responsible for my happiness again instead of him. I also decided that in doing so, I would be able to be part of his happiness instead of his misery. Another thing I thought I might have as a goal was to be more open to him. I have never told him about some of the horrible things that have happened to me throughout my life. I always tried to push it deep down inside me so that no one would ever hurt me like that again. I now realize that it shouldn't be that way, I wasn't letting him know all of me and that wasn't fair to either of us. I figured that if we started going to church together and discussing the sermons...it would all come out in a way that God would help us to talk through these things that are too difficult to bring up. This thought wasn't one I developed in my own mind, it just came to me I assume from God. Finally, of my goals that I wanted to share with him was my overwhelming desire to show him physically, and sexually how much I truly love him. We haven't had a very good physical relationship and it's my fault because of my paralyzing fear. I didn't understand how important this aspect was in marriage until I talked to his family last week. I have tried to address it since then but we were already in trouble.
I was actually kind of excited to put it out there and begin to make it a strong, loving, wonderful life together. I wanted to get my thoughts out and move forward and the appointment, in my mind, was the catalyst. So, as we went to bed, I asked him to look at his calendar so we could schedule another appointment. He mumbled, okay, but I knew in his voice there was something wrong. He then told me that he didn't think he would go back and it wasn't going to work. He had talked everything over with family and I assume the other woman and would talk to me later today. I was blown out of the water. I was overtaken by panic, pain, fear, sadness and all I could do was cry. It seems so unfair that I just woke up to the problems and now I don't have the chance to do the things I know will make a wonderful difference. I realize that we still haven't talked and I have no idea what he is going to tell me. I told him this morning as he left for work that I had searched my soul as well and we will discuss our thougths tonight after work. I also told him to consider taking our thoughts back to the counselor. She brought the questions into the picture for a reason so I think we should find out what her reason was.
Please, I want as much input as possible. I don't know how to handle this in any way except to pray about it. Oh I am so terrified that I will say the wrong things or go looney tunes as the marriage guide states. This man is my everything, I love him, need him and want him. Please, say your prayers and send your thougths on what you would do if you were me.
So sorry to hear this. I can imagine how difficult your night was. Been there, done that. Not to throw in too many clichés here but you may need to prepare for the worst and pray for the best. Things may seem terrible now, but that doesn’t necessarily mean all is lost. That you recognize there are things in the marriage you could change and have a positive impact is good thing but don’t put all the blame on yourself. He has done a terrible thing in letting this other woman into his heart. Especially if he didn’t give you forewarning that he was unhappy in the marriage. Giving you both a chance to make things right. I would take some time today to write down a list of the problems in your marriage. Issues that both of you have that could be changed. Try and list what actions could be taken to help move those changes forward and what the benefit would be to both of you in the end if they work. Use the list to help plan your conversation. Rehearse it as it will be an important talk. Recovery will take a lot of time. When we finally had our melt down I spent some time in deep soul searching I made my list and recognized I had to change and fast. My issues were being too controlling, not listening to her and respecting her opinion which made her feel unimportant and unloved. (Sound familiar guys) It has been a long road back and I have stubbed my toe rarely, but have stuck to my core changes. What were once efforts to make are now second nature. But she still doesn’t fully accept that they are lasting. Only time will convince her of that. She also has her issues to address, so I try and help her with those. Two way street you know.
Also I would make the appointment to see the counselor for you. Rely on the professionals to help you with the situation. They, by far, have the most experience in dealing with this. This forum is just a bunch of guys stumbling around our own lives trying to save our marriages. Sometimes we do the right things, sometimes not. While we can offer support and ideas we are not trained in dealing with this. Seek professional counsel. Also look to your family and friends for support and encouragement. Try to take some time today to do some things that take our mind off of it for a little bit. Bring your anxiety levels down before you meet with him. Easier said then done, I know.
As always pray for guidance and strength. Ask Him for help and support. He is always there for you no matter how bleak things may seem.
Either way it goes for you today it is going to be rough. If he says he wants to try and patch things up you will be elated but there will be a rough road ahead with lots of ups and downs for a long time. And if he wants to try, lock down those changes you wish to make in yourself. They are now life long commitments if things are to work out. My wife and I have been on this road for over 6 months now but we are trying to repair a marriage that had slowly eroded over the last 3 or 4 years. We have vastly improved our relationship as far as communication, mutual support and physical affection but it has taken a long time and progress can be very slow. But while neither of us is back in the complete and loving marriage we used to have, we are both happier than we’ve been for years. I hope this is in store for our future also.
May God Bless your marriage today and start you down a path of reconciliation. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your meeting tonight. My best wishes Gretch.
HI, I agree with Lignarius, we all have hard times and changes to make. But, for the better, remember that. It's possible to learn to love, and for someone to love you (again) but seems like it does take alot of heartache and energy sometimes. But totally possible, I assure you. In strange ways you learn and grow and hurt too, but find your way back to the beginning of the path you started on and wonder, now why did that all have to be so hard, hurt so much, and take so long to be what it could be, should be? : ) Please believe that God will help you , because you won't change 'him' or your self you've become on your own. The sooner you can lay it at God's feet and trust Him, the sooner things will change. I know from experience. Your miracle is that God changes hearts. I would (do) pray for this everyday.... God soften his heart, change his mind, bring people along side him that will encourage him in right ways. It matters so much who we are with in our everyday life, what we hear and see. Pray for God to direct his path so that he is not around offensive people with negative input on marriage and faithfulness. Pray for his feelings to die for this other woman, and that he be repulsed at the idea of unfaithfulness. My husband has changed so much, I have changed so much, it would have been easier to have known these things from the start, but I am thankful. Praying for you...do not panic...that is fear, do not let it control you (it's a fight sometimes, yes) but keep it at bay, and keep loving and believing. Most men will walk when confronted, so be careful but honest...and let him have that space (he will likely take it) ... and do take care of yourself in the meantime, you want to be appealing to him, and feel good, after all ... : )