I'd like to start by saying hi to everyone. I have been reading your stories and I can relate to a lot of things that you have said. My situation is different because I don't have the twenty years, that most of you have under my belt, my wife and I Started seeing each other three years ago and were married about a year and a half ago. I don't have the ability to read my wife like many of you and in fact it was quite a surprise when I walked in and she was packing all of her things up. We have had our problems and hurt each other before and we have always tried to work past them, not necissarily to fix the problem, but to accept it. Neither of us are very religous and maybe this is the downfall of our marriage. She walked out on Monday saying she'd call, saying she'd come back, that she just needed some time to think and figure things out. Since then I have had no contact from her, I have texted her once and my family has talked to her (rarely), but she refuses to speak to me in any way and surprisingly, I can accept that.
Yesterday I emailed Shohn and he told me to sign-up on the forum and to try and find god. I have been reading and trying to figure things out and I actually fully realize that it wasn't her fault, any of it, none of our problems really started with her. Yes, she did make them worse and sometimes intentionally so, but she never started them. I ignored her and perhaps now, this is my punishment, I must lose the one person in my life that I would give anything for. I just hope that she will come home.
I have been trying to find and accept God again, and in a matter of about 24 hours have come to understand God a little bit more. Last night, I even prayed for the first time in years, I prayed for God to show me the way through these times and I left my relationship in his hands coming to a point of understanding that I have absolutely NO control of anything except myself. I am even going to church for the first time in 5 years on Sunday.
Anyway, on to the reason why I am at a loss. Today my wife called my grandmother (of all people), and told her that she wouldn't be coming home probably ever. I don't know what to do now, I know that I still need to make changes in my life and become a better person, but for what? For me? Yeah... maybe... I just don't see a point in trying anymore if she can make this kind of decision in five days then what chance do I stand? I need help and the Pastor I always talk to doesn't work on Fridays and Saturdays, nobody from my new town (did I mention we just moved 100 miles from where we were? and that she went back...) is in to talk anymore and I am just feeling so lost. I have been praying to God all day to give me strength and yet, I can think of nothing more that I would like to do than to be run over by a tractor-trailer rig. I am going to be selfish now, I want her back, I want her to know how much I love her and I want her to know that I am here, and yet, I cannot tell her ANY of that becuase she will not talk to me through any medium. I don't know, I just needed to get all of this out and maybe get some advice because I don't know if I should give in or not.
Anyway guys, good luck and thank you for the learning experience.
Thanks for joining and for your confidence that we might be able to help. Even though some of us do have many years of experience in our marriages, each of us here has managed to hose them up some how. While we have all wallowed in self pity and remorse, remember it takes two to start a marriage and two to end one. Look at yourself objectively but at your wife also. Look for the areas that both of you need to improve on in order to make things work. Make a list and check it twice, three times….
Turning to Him is a great step forward not only for your marriage but for yourself. Pray for your marriage and your wife. Find your confidence and look for your answers with God. Find a church that you feel comfortable in. Use it not only for your spiritual needs but your social ones also. Meet with the pastor or priest and let them know your situation. They may be able to not only give you direct support and advice but get you connected with a support group as well. If you have recently moved I’m sure you are pretty much on your own at this point since your wife has left. Begin to network in the church for friendship and support.
Look into counseling. If she won’t go, do it for yourself. To help you better understand the situation. Let her know you are going to better understand yourself and become a better man. If she won’t return your calls it’s going to be tough to get things started but try and be patient. She may be in a very confused state right now. As I’m sure you have read on this board from me many times, be confident, loving and caring. Let her know you want to work at getting your relationship back on track but don’t smother her. Don’t grovel or beg. Just state your intentions and love for her. If you can begin contact arrange a meeting on her terms. Lunch maybe in the area she is living now. Maybe seek counseling in her area as a start to rebuilding things. Don’t overdue with flowers and gifts. Keep it simple and caring...
Best of luck you and your wife. Keep coming to the forum. I hope it helps. It has been a great experience for me. Bless
I've found from painful experience, that absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. Don't panic, it doesn't help one bit. Take a deep breath, say 'ok God, I'm trustin you to help me' ... and just drudge thru those slow motion hours until some change comes. I'd be kidding myself and you if I said that you won't worry or fret at all...and the loneliness...it almost killed me. But all in all, it gave my hubby time to really think, (he left me) and search his heart (he concluded all by himself that he had been very cruel and hasty) and it led him back needing forgiveness. And he actually missed me. You know, sometimes I think when things are going 'ok'...we just forget about God cuz we don't really need Him and He wants us to draw close to Him every minute. It became a constant with me, an awareness of His presence, and I decided that I would rather be 'prayed up' ahead of time to cut down on a few of those surprises that the devil loved throwing at me. Someone said to me once, 'well, God knows all this ahead of time, why do we have to tell him?' .... well, He WANTS us to commune and converse with Him, it's like if we talk to our spouses when we want something,and ignore them the rest of the time. God does not do mean things to us, or pull the rug out from under us to test us, but He will allow us to make decisions and then use them to test us and draw us closer to Him. Letting things go, mistreating someone, not being all we should be leads us towards failure in one way or another. It's good if we learn something and apply it to our lives. We move into a different dimension, having learned wisdom. God DOES know the desires of our hearts. The more you trust HIM with yours, the more these desires will manifest. You can fall back, I did, and God's hand was lifted because I nudged Him out. It was not only repenting and asking for His help again that brought His presence back to my life, it was in the longing, the needing HIM and His truth and comfort, His guidance in every matter, learning to love Him because He loved me so much and knows the path and can guide the way.....realizing that I am nothing without Him, and can do nothing without Him. A friend that sticks closer than a brother? Yep. Closer than my spouse. My husband's love and affections are human, what he percieves about 'love'. If he loved me the way God does, unconditionally, we'd have few problems, and I'd have no doubts. Even if God answers your prayers and brings her back to you, life will have it's bumpy roads to travel, it's all in the way you react and handle those situations. I can tell you all one thing that would never fail you and keep you and your spouse closer than close, that's praying together. WITH EACHOTHER, OR YOU FOR HER, in her presence. In the WORST of times, tho I was shaking and not sure how he would react, I took his hands and prayed for him, us, everytime he left our door. His heart had no choice but to soften. Things aren't perfect by any means, but so much better. I am still learning not to let emotions dictate my words, decisions, or faith. Let your heart be calm. If someone truly leaves you never to return, you can bet that if you are consulting God, He would not allow a breakup unless something very serious and detrimental was going to happen concerning your lives. He protects people like that sometimes. But He DOES hate divorce and loves reconciliation. Know what a lineage is? It's a long long long line of decendants : ) It's heritage. The way it should be. So take heart, thank God for His presence and help, ask Him to strengthen your faith and guide your wife's steps.
I thank you all very much for your comments but last night I learned that she actually left for Denver to be with a drug dealer that she has been having fantasies about that have become more and more erotic. I don't think that there will be any saving this, I'm not giving up completely, not yet anyways. I just don't know what to do or think about all this. I am physically ill at this point because of the stress and exhaustion of this entire situation.
I also think that I may have done more harm than good last night because I completely freaked out because my brother knew the whole time and wouldn't tell me. Showing that his loyalties lie with her and not me, which really hurt because I would do anything for my brother, and would have expected the same of him. Anyway, I texted her last night and said "The least you could do is talk to me!" so I don't think that with those comments I made any progress.
Anyway, again, thank you guys and you are always in my prayers and I hope that you can have better luck at this than I have had.
I am so sorry to hear this. The double whammy of betrayal from your wife and brother must be terribly difficult. Best of luck to you. Still, be sure to look at yourself and your marriage to see what could have changed and how you can become a better man from your experiences. Based on your post I assume you’re a relatively young man and have a lot of life experiences ahead of you. If your relationship with your wife is truly over, think about what you would want in your next relationship. Sometimes concentrating on the possibilities of your future can help ease the pain of what’s going on in your life now. Things will be incredibly difficult for you in the near term but will ebb with time. Grow in your faith and look to Him for strength and guidance. He IS there for you. And do the other things I put in my earlier post to get involved with a church for friendship and support. Whether our wife comes back or not, you need to begin to build those relationships. If your wife has left you for a life with a drug dealer she is heading in the wrong direction and in for a life of sorrow and pain. Pray for her also that she will come to her senses and see that. Even if she doesn’t come back, that she is safe and gets out of the situation. But you never know, people do recognize that they make stupid decisions, awful mistakes and try to rectify them. I’ll pray that she does also. I will also pray for you Zack. You have taken a tough shot here in your life. Keep your faith and be strong. Believe in yourself and in Him. Bless
What to say. If you are a young man, let her go. Pray, and pray that if she comes back you will be able to handle living with this memory. Don't fight. Let her go......trust God to either turn her around, or lead you down a wonderful path that will bring real happiness and trust into your life. You have to forgive your brother....perhaps he was afraid to tell you ? It's very hard being the one to open a can of worms when you know they are really really rotten. If not, you still must forgive him, tho you may not be as close as once thought. Take care of yourself, our bodies do not have an 'auto pilot' to kick in and make us healthy and well. This will sound silly right now, but get yourself a GOOD multi/vitamin/mineral... (they all need eachother to work) This will help with energy, sleep, achy musles, and toxins. Might even ease depression. There are many studies now days to show that these DO work. Go walk...walk around town or something....get your bad thinking done and be determined to (try) to turn it off when you get back home. Pray that God will ease your mind and your frantic heart. We'll remember too.
Well, thank you all for your help and advice. You are all in my prayers and I want to thank you, Shohn, in particular, because without you I probably wouldn't have turned to God and I wouldn't be able to cope with the situation. All I can do is keep trucking along at making myself better and hope that she will come back, and if she doesn't then it wasn't what God inteded I guess, not really the happiest of endings, but maybe for the best. My new job is a real life saver, I have a lot of support from the guys I'm working with and doing the work I'm doing is a great release for anger and pain. Again, thank you all so very much and I will not vacate this board, but I will be even more of a ghost. By the way Shohn, I have been reading what you're going through and I personally think you're wrong to think you can't help people. You can and you are, you especially probably saved my life from taking a turn for the worst, just keep up hope and things will turn up eventually.
In an attempt to make the world a pretty place, we ended up with a pretty face, but pretty is a pretty does, actions show, what pretty was With the longing to make it real, lost the heart, found sex appeal. feed the hunger, fuel the fire, all is lost in world's desire.. selfish indulgence, wanton pleasures .................. where have YOU laid all your treasures ?
I really appreciate the comments. I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world. I'm definitely going to stay around - if nothing else people can learn from all my mistakes as that is that I'm good at! I've since talked to an number of counselors about it and they informed me that it sounds like there is one heck of a communication challenge still occurring. Baby steps. She's still talking somewhat, but I'm just giving her space and letting God do the work. For now, I'll just try to be the best Dad I can be and there is no reason that whatever happens should stop that from happening.
Interesting note, my sister in law had been training me on how to speak to women better because sometimes I am "tact challenged". She said she would continue to pray and then almost right as she said that, there was a bumper sticker she passed as she was driving - it said - with God all things are possible. That is one thing that I truly believe based on everything that has happend to me over the years. Keep up with talking to God man - He may allow us to fall into hard times sometimes, but i think it is just to make us better people if we do the right thing. My prayers are with you!
Best of luck to you Zack. You have been dealt a tough hand and we’ll pray for you and your future. Keep on developing your faith and He will see you through. Come here for support and let us know how you are doing. I’m glad you have found support among your friends at work as well. Being new to town can be a tough thing. Give thanks this week for all you have, even though this is a tough time for you. May His hand guide you and your wife. Bless.