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I don’t want to turn this into something it is not, but for the first time in 9 months my wife came by the house tonight. I had decided to clean it that day for some reason and she happened to stop by after it had been cleaned quite a bit. It wasn’t perfect, but could have been worse off.

Anyway, it was good to see her. It was the first time I have seen her since the court hearing almost three months ago. She actually came inside the house! I held back my desire to give her a hug and pour out my feelings that I thought were gone. I was getting to the point of not caring again. When I had set out on this trek - I think I had decided that I as long as I was given strength from above - I would continue.

I had prayed for the feelings to be reinvigorated… she stops by and boy were they ever reinvigorted. Be careful what you pray for - you just might get it.

Gee whiz - 11.5 months left to go on the insane journey to save the marriage against insurmoutable odds. I can’t believe it has been 1.05 years so far.

Thanks to all who are still out there praying and haven’t given up on me or us - especially the very kind person who keeps ranking my articles to let me know someone is reading and is benefiting from the story.

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Jennifer,

I felt that it would be appropriate to respond to your question with a bit of the story, and perhaps that would placate your curiosity and satisfy my need to tell the story.

When a woman is married and reaches the age of 30, sometimes biological changes occur within her that cause her to seek out something - though she may not know exactly what she is seeking. At first it may be independence from everything that she has known for many years, but eventually she may find that it is something deeper. Not to suggest that this is specific to women, but that unfortunately for me, this is the age that this phenomenon is most common for women.

Though I certainly don’t like it, it is fact of nature in a great deal of marriages in America these days.

In an effort to stand up for what I view as the more difficult - yet more courgageous path I am sticking out what I view as a phase in her life for as long as I can. On average, this phase will last about 2 years and I am currenlty 1 year into “sticking it out”. If one of the marital partners is able to stick it out for that long, then usually the marriage can be restored and often with two or three times the level of joy that it ever had - very similar to how having a baby - though painful - can produce joy on the other side of the painful experience.

While she has certainly made mistakes, this does not absolve me of my mistakes - in that it takes two to tango and there are always two sides to every story.

Therefore, I have expended a great deal of effort to become a better man and by “winning her heart back”, I intend to continue to work on being the best man i can be, despite whatever she may be doing at this time. This may be what is termed, unconditional love, which is somethign rare these days, but is out there still.

I admit that this path I have chosen is difficult and perhaps even difficult for outsiders to understand. This challenge is further compounded when an attractive and confident young lady such as yourself would be kind enough to make me feel like Rod Stewart on a good day with such excellent words as … you are sexy BTW.

As an attractive woman, I am sure you are used to people commenting on your appearance, but what I sensed was something else - something different…perhaps a joyful spirit within, which is why I bothered to respond.

Just so you know the impact we all make - your message came at a time when I was extremely close to giving up on my estranged wife and this challenging path I had chosen, yet something within your spirit kept me going and pursuing what seems to be an impossible goal at present.

What is interesting is that though I have probably spoken way too much to what is effectively a stranger, that is yet how people become friends from time to time.

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Nov 13, 2008 11:17 AM

just wondering what you meant by win her heart back

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Shohn
Date: Nov 12, 2008 4:50 PM

Did you have a question?

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Nov 12, 2008 4:47 PM

win her heart back?

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Shohn
Date: Nov 10, 2008 8:48 AM

Jennifer,

Well thank-you for noticing I am married. Actually, I am tryng to win my wife’s heart back at this point because we are separated. Maybe you could say some prayers for us

Thanks for the compliments though, that helped more than you know. We can be friends if you like though - you seem like a nice outgoing person.

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Oct 3, 2008 9:59 AM

Oh well thanks! I just think you are geourgeous!
But I see that you are married so I better back off! lol
My story? HMMMMM Well I am a RN……never been married no kids. Just got on myspace and trying to meet new people. Whats your story! haha Oh and thanks for the compliments. Very sweet!

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Shohn
Date: Oct 3, 2008 8:08 AM

Well, I appreciate the compliment - that made my day. Not so bad yourself.

So…..what’s your story? I guess that picture of you is from the river… it’s been awhile since I went on that, but it was fun though very cooooooooooooold… !

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Oct 2, 2008 12:30 PM

THANKS FOR THE ADD! YOU ARE VERY SEXY BTW!

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I find my confidence ever the same in the undulating pattern; however, it doesn’t hurt as near as bad as it did a year ago. In addition, I find a part of me starting to slip in again that no longer cares. I wonder how much longer the part of me that does care can hold on? What is interesting is the less I care, the nicer she is.

Some sort of psychic tug of war going on.

They say the same thing on all the movies, radio, etc. yet is just seems cheap and I don’t like it. I wonder if by caring is it my pride or something? Nah… keep pressing on. It is right and good to restore one’s marriage and family.

I make little signs that tell me stuff like: Failure is not an option, This is for the next generation(s), etc. I say little affirmations each day. Little visuals and look for little signs from God to keep me going.

We now talk briefly twice a week when she has the kids call me. The last two times have been positive, but mixed with a letter from her lawyer and bad news from somewhere else.

What a ride it has been coming up on year 1. Never thought I would make it this far.

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She doesn’t make a lot of money, but has the sweetest disposition… and she even gave me hugs and lots of kisses on the first date!

Attached is a pic of my latest lunch date! I’m thinking of going on a second date with her, but I’d like your opinion just in case I need to steer clear of this one …..

I went to have lunch with a little daughter of mine. We were both so excited to see each other. If you have marital problems, focus on your kids while you wait. It brings can bring a tremendous amount of joy to both your hearts!

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Something just didn’t seem right about just say the magic words “Jesus is my lord and savior” and I am saved. It just didn’t add up rationally, logically, intuitively, and in so other many ways. If it were that simple, I think the idea would be to load up a plane and drop leaflets all over the planet and we’d be done.

Yet it was a start - just as much as I had to learn the ABCs before I could learn how to read. I suppose words like that are the start. I had thought I was “reborn”, but then as I began to observe my own behavior at times, I realized this was not yet true. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m a bad guy, but like the rest of us mere mortals - I have character flaws. Character flaws don’t seem to me to define one who is “reborn”. What is reborn? Reborn and reborn and reborn again? It doesn’t add up.

In the eyes of others, I have discovered that I am often viewed as being arrogant. It seems that humility sometimes requires a severe beating with a wet noodle or in my case getting verbally thrashed by a troup of female lawyers in divorce court in front of my family and hers, then getting to watch as my lawyer verbally thrashes my wife. She played the victim role a bit, and I guess I played the arrogant role a bit.

I watched as the lawyer sat there and tried to feed my ego. Part of me knew what she was doing…. “Shohn … do you like to read a lot?” Will the ego bite? It wants to. Yummy ego food… mmmmmmmm. Not a fun thing to endure, but many lessons were learned from it. I can say - that the board room was NOTHING compared to this situation. We both probably gained 1000 experience points from it.

I then had to write 3 emails (1 per week) before my wife would let me talk to my own kids during the week. That hurt. In her mind, she was justified because I wasn’t using the correct protocol and words. In my mind, I felt like why should I have to grovel to talk to my kids - it’s just a phone call and I have waited 9 months for crying out loud to set this up. I swallowed my pride. Gulp. It didn’t taste as bad as I thought it would.

Life ain’t always fair and sometimes these experiences are to teach us even more I think. From her point of view, I guess she was right, and from my point of view I guess I was right. Two rights sometimes make a wrong don’t they. I decided I’d rather be wrong in this instance. After I became wrong, strangely …. a new freedom was given from above. That thing…. pride….. it welled up within me….. somehow…. it got a little smaller. I’m not talking about apathy, but rather…. the ego pride thing………. That part of me seems to have dissolved a bit. I still feel it in there somewhere, but it is dissolving a bit more each day. One day at a time sweet Jesus as the song goes.

I used to have a motto - never do anything that you will regret - we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time…. stated simply .. do the right thing and the right thing will happen - don’t look back on it. To support this motto, that meant I had to always have the best information - knowledge.

Sometimes what is right and wrong is skewed by our viewpoint and perspective. Folks will say… no .. there is just right and wrong … yet…. the dualistic principle often fails to consider perspective and individual standards. Morals are often relative. How then does one determine what is right and what is wrong? Perhaps we are asking the WRONG questions….?

I started out long ago realizing that we are all somehow someway brothers and sisters. The very concept of marriage kind of messed with my head sometimes, because I would think of it as… wait a second… in a weird sort of way… I’m marrying my sister. We are all composed of matter and whatever energy animates our cells in this place called our universe. We are all made of star dust. The same stuff - we are all - the same. From that level then, when one of my brother star dust collections decides that it wants my job it is all together rather humorous if you think about it from a really big picture. Zoom out a tick or two. Do you see those little ants on earth having marital disputes… laugh out loud… isn’t it funny that they can’t even get along and don’t even realize that they are the same!

I then searched the scriptures for answers. I found themes that made sense, yet lacked the experiential knowledge to apply many of the themes. I was learning and attempting to do, but not becoming. As I searched and searched and realized there are 1000 theologies, 100000 churches, 100000000000000 different opinions, and that none seemed to ring a bell as “truth”, I was a bit confounded. Perhaps the right answer is that there is no answer. I then found holes in the ol’ Bible. Things that were taken out and copy edited in. I tried to fight it. Nope the Bible is the Authority… dang it. Then eventually I got to a point… they took stuff out of here…. but why? To water it down and make it palatable for folks like me who had to start somewhere. The more I searched the more I realized there was just as big a picture within the various sacred writings as there was from the intuitive picture of the universe - all of us being one, etc.

Why is God considered male as the nomative with the exclusion of female -when God by definition is infinite? Male and female he created them….

Really and truly one person’s garbage becomes another’s truth and my truth for today can be changed by what I learn tomorrow. Perhaps first acknowledging that all of us are God’s children is a start. Then acknowledging that kindergarteners and those with Phds on their level of spirituality exist in this world. Then perhaps acknowledge that the growth never stops…….. maybe even…. it is possible for God to grow with us as we grow?

I see a parallel in spiritual things now in many things and most particularly within my marriage. The marriage is a metaphor for mine and my wife’s growth spiritually.

Let me give you an example of yet another metaphor. One of the toys that God provided us males - the penis - is responsible for expelling waste, for pleasure, and for new life. A triple edged sword that is staring all of us men right in the face every morning, well, you get the idea - yet we all too often ignore the mighty phallic metaphor weighing us down each morning. There are metaphors all around us if we will just but look and they are in our scriptures if we will stop arguing for a second and instead….. do and become what they say….

Where have I arrived with today’s truth? It is within you - and you must seek - exactly as instructed by our Lord. My spiritual ontology is largely intellectual at this point. I am now seeking to both do and become the model by expanding my very imbalanced sense of intuition, love, judgment, mercy, etc.

A woman steals bread to provide for food for hew new born son. She gets caught. Is she guilty of stealing?

We find ourselves rationalizing something as being okay…….. if you have to rationalize…. is it okay?

One of the biggest parables of Jesus was the one about the good ground. You know … the one about the seed landing in thorns, hard ground, good ground, etc. One must till the soil it seems. That may mean different things to different folks, but I guess to me it means that becoming pure is not an option. What is pure? I think you know.

I’ve heard that after this little war of armegeddon is over within me - hopefully, the Messiah will return at last - within me - and I can learn directly….. instead of through others…. as has been stated in the Bible all along though we choose to ignore it. If you have a KJ, turn to the very middle and see. It’s right there staring you in the face.

In my fight to save my marriage, at this juncture I have learned that we must become what we pray for … otherwise … the way this place works it will turn against us to test us. If you say I’m good at restoring my marriage and make a web site for all the world to see, guess what - you will be tested.

Learning, doing, and becoming.

Become what you pray for? Instead of praying for her to change.. I pray for opportunities to demonstrate that I have changed and for me to change. I visualize me serving her… making her breakfast in bed, watching the kids while she goes shopping maybe, us watching the kids play on the beach was just a start. We’ll see if my visual prayers start to kick in or not.

I feel like I will be tested severly over the next six weeks. What I have observed is that as I “pass” a test … everything flows smoothly right after that .. like clock work…. come to me all you who are weary - my burden is light ….

if I fail the test…. well… I tend to get slapped pretty hard now. I call it the left hand of Correction. Some people call it Satan. Some call it the beast within us mentioned in Revelation.

There is much more to learn, but I hope that experiences that I have gone through and am documenting for your benefit will allow you to stick with the right hand of God…. which is actually…. quite… gentle. I started out as an arrogant know it all reborn Jesus freak. I’m still into Jesus, but hopefully not quite as arrogant.

My mother in law has asked if myself and my pastor if we would like to go bowling with her and my wife. Miracles upon miracles.

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