Well, within the last week I’ve had my mother and father law divorce, one of my best friends, and another old friend. All within the span of two weeks. Wow.

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Shalom ______,

You asked about my forgiveness exercises because you thought it may be helpful in clearing some perhaps hidden anger that could be affecting your child. I’m writing a diatribe because I plan to post this to my blog (glassgloves.com), but also need your permission first. Your name will not be mentioned nor anything that could connect you.

The trouble with my forgiveness is that it seems that the issues with my wife continue to manifest; however, it seems the severity is waning and perhaps things from the left hand of correction are apparently moving against my wife now. Recently, we began seeing much more severe problems with our eldest daughter (technically my step-daughter). It has gotten so bad that CPS (child protective services) got involved. This could be the left hand moving I suppose that could be just part of her life plan and perhaps not so much directly correlated with my internal forgiveness work; however, the timing is remarkably uncanny. Of course, my wife ascribes this unpleasantness to things beyond the break up of our family, which is normal given the current “part” she is playing in our mutual growth and development (i.e., all of the world is a stage). I view the break up as the central issue and these other things as symptoms of that issue, she views the other issues as unrelated. Right. Her parents are in court today. Unrelated.

In terms of forgiveness exercises, in recognizing that in many ways my wife and indeed any woman that I’ve ever been with and vice versa will exchange various “psychic” / etheric connection data I had to work on me before anything could ever ever change with her. Indeed, this is confirmed by many relationship self-help books, but they don’t explain why. The why is due to the male-female relationship etheric reflective dynamics (i.e., sun – moon) I believe.

I also had to understand that it was likely that we (not us – but our souls) had done this before and in many ways perhaps she was merely acting as a mere reflection of things deep down inside of me that had yet to manifest. I had to ask myself, under what conditions would I manifest such things? I had to see from her point of view as well.

To see from her point of view I had to study her, get to really know her, understand why she thinks the way she does and then imagine myself functioning without the benefit of logic at certain points. Knowing someone and KNOWING them are two different things. I had to really KNOW her (as best I am able) and without the benefit of an active sexual connection. Therefore, I took her life as I knew it and drew it out on paper and started asking questions. I drew out her birth, her father figures, etc. I noted that she kept experiencing the same problems over and over. I did the same to myself.

I also got an astrologer to do an analysis of myself and her and I learned a lot about the both of us in that way. Then I sought out to learn astrology and learned a lot more about the different things and aspects that form the perspective of understanding and various spheres of mind that different people see out of and what not. I still have mixed feelings on this because I have yet to get a consistent reading across astrologers, but I have found that the “mirror” that they provide is invaluable in learning about oneself and the different aspects within. It is a tool. I figure it has about 40% accuracy at present. It is not a religion. It is not the end all be all. There is a lot of junk out there. It is not a science – it is more like poetry. I know this scares many people as well, so take it with a grain of salt.

With all this ground work done, I had to set out to actually forgive her and the harder part – forgive my self.

I would go for a walk and ask to be shown the behaviors and things that she was reflecting back to me. Images and scenes from the past would appear in the back of my mind and I would try to see it from her point of view. Things I never intended for harm, would be shown in a new light. Some things I should have done better. Some things I simply lacked emotional maturity on.

I would then do some internal dialog almost like gollum on Lord of the Rings and try to reconcile the internal aspects that were hurting.

It couldn’t be manipulation of these other aspects or “children within”, nor could it be for the purpose of making the pain or children go away, but rather to bring that part forward and fully feel and express the emotions. This became what I call self-invoking.
I would do my best to maintain split-brain awareness. This means – a part of me would be crying its eyes out, and another part would be consoling and encouraging, and another part would be simply observing.

The parts that needed it would scream at the top of their lungs what they were feeling – be it anger, resentment, even hate, or whatever. I had to do this where noone could see it for obvious reasons.

As the different scenes would play out in the back of my mind, I would reconcile them as best I could by giving them “reasons” to forgive. It would often take a form of “forgive them – they know not what they do”.

After doing all of this, I noted that she called to apologize for the first time in a long long time and this became more part of her pattern. Lately she says “I wasn’t trying to make you feel this way or that”, but after a couple days switches back into the cold resentful gal she’s been for almost three years now. The thing to recognize is that I go through similar peaks and valleys and that in many ways she is reflecting not just me, but a lot of stress from what I think may be the left hand of God stepping in now. Towards this end, I have done my best to “educate” her on what is happening and to say that if I am wrong then things will get better (more pleasant), if I am right they will get worse (less pleasant), etc. I do this soley to provide information and I tell her that she is accountable for what she does with it given that she considers herself a Christian and what not. Things have indeed become less and less pleasant for her, but I can’t be certain as to the reasons why – it could be part of her life plan.

The rest of the time I pray light around her, the house where she resides, her mind, the kids, etc. and thornbushes around her and any would be men trying to make their way into our family. I also pray for her eyes to be opened to the truth, etc. and as best I can “not my will, but thy will be done”. Easier said that done – I know.

If any of this was hard to understand please let me know.

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Went to court today. They weren’t ready apparently. I watched and observed as her attorney gave incorrect information to my lawyer. Her lawyer reported that my wife has not been communicating with her. It was almost as though she lied, but I couldn’t say for sure.

The judge was supposedly a bit miffed at opposing counsel for not having their stuff ready, but I wasn’t miffed about this.

I was there and the Mrs. wasn’t.

Perhaps there are reasons why they weren’t ready.

To top things off – I was called down to pick up two of my kiddos from CPS yesterday. There is trouble within my beloved’s current house, though I don’t want to go into details. CPS had me sign a document stating that I would have them until Dec 17th. I called CPS and they haven’t responded yet.

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Our final decree status hearing is scheduled for Nov 18.

In an ironic twist, my mother and father in law have their hearing scheduled for the following day.

Coincidence or message from above?

I guess it depends on one’s eyes.

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So me and my estranged wife met to talk tonight. We talked for a record breaking full hour face to face. I even held her hands to comfort her on something. She looked into my eyes. I looked into hers. We kissed and made out. Just kidding about that last part.

But, I bet you’d never guess that she wanted to discuss the demonic attacks that she says are happening in her household and that temporarily possessed her sister. Talk about an ice-breaker. It was sort of odd how it all went down.

My wife is pretty freaked out at the moment though it appears she has developed a sense of humor. She asked me for some demon repellent. I so wanted to say… well, come back home – restore our marriage for starters would probably help, but I bit my tongue.

Send some light and prayer please for her and the kids.

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I was talking to my daughter on the phone the other day. I started joking around with her and then asked “What is the true meaning of life?”. It is a sort of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy thing. My daughter surprised me though. She didn’t even skip a beat or have to think about it. She immediately responded “Love Daddy, it’s all about love. Just love!”.

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The wifey has been being nice lately. It is actually sort of weirding me out a bit. One of the things I had begun to understand is that my wife is basically my reflection in this world in many ways of my relationship to God. So this last two weeks I have been working hard core on cleanup of me and my mind. The powers that be seem to be reciprocating a bit. Thanks!

She actually apologized for something last night! Historically she has said I’m sorry two times in the last two years. Once was for something I shan’t go into here, and the other was an argument about two-three months ago. This time was different though. She took pride in her apology! She was putting forth EFFORT and was looking at herself too! I had felt like I was the only one attempting self-work over the last 1.9 years or so. She is seemingly working on her own spiiritual development as well now! No matter what happens between us, I am so pleased and happy for her on this!

Now all of this doesn’t mean anything. She is still adamant about not coming home or even considering reconciliation, saving a family, raising our kids the natural way, BUT she is practicising the very fine art of apologizing!

Here’s the thing. I can’t take the credit, because she has had a counselor working with her (the same one working with me), but none the less – there seems to be a very real correlation to what I am doing to what she is doing. I’ll give another example.

A few months ago, I started getting back into sports and such. I used to deplore sports and viewed it as following someone else’s life rather than living your own. That may well be true; however, it also seems about identification with the struggle. The victory and the defeats. Perhaps people don’t have enough victory and defeat in their life and so they must live it out vicariously through football and other sports. Well point is, the wifey has started getting into football quite a bit is what several people have told me. Interesting. I tried to expand my world by forcing myself to get into something that I consciously deplored – passively watching sports. The struggle. I’m been forcing myself to do the same with other things including forgiveness, cleaning up my soul, letting go, etc.

Yesterday morning I went for my walk. I’ve been doing this for about three weeks now. I’ll go for a walk in the morning to start my day. As I was doing this, at first I would bring some podcasts so I could learn something new. Eventually though, I started to just enjoy the sounds of nature. I started studying the planets and stars as they arose in the morning. When I was a kid I was into astronomy and could locate stars and planets quite easily, but I never bothered to pay attention to the motion of the planets and stars. It is interesting to try to “tune in” to that. I’ve been doing the same with the phases of the moon and other cycles of nature. As I go on my walks, I tried something new. I started asking questions about things. What is the grass for? What does it symbolically represent? What are the trees for? After a few minutes, answers started flowing from that creative source inside all of us I suspect. I also began something called self-talk.

Self-talk will sound slightly skitzophrenic (spelling). Basically, I “invoke” certain parts of me that aren’t ready to forgive for whatever reason. They hold onto resentment and anger. In the morning when I do my towel ring out exercise of forgiveness, it is for one aspect of myself. The other aspects are triggered at different times by different stimuli. When I do my forgiveness towel thing, I’m not truly working with the part of me that has resentment. I’m only working with the part of me that is naturally predisposed to forgive! So I need to work with the resentful side that hangs out in deep dark places that are hard to find!

I have to work with those sides of me, but somehow have the “observer” part of my mind still active. So I’ll ask questions that I know will bring up the parts that have resentment. Then I try to hang onto a part of my mind that is watching the whole process – a different viewpoint if you will. The resentful part will speak of such astrocities that it feels it’s wife has done, then the other part will gently remind through self-talk – yes that is true, but are we not here to forgive – to learn how to forgive? The other part will mention that I had done things to contribute to where we are at and that only through letting go and forgiveness can we expect the heavenlies to move. So the resentful part accepts this very rational argument and it feels lighter. Then it may burst out into an emotional tirade on my walks (it is important to do this where no one is watching). I try to hold on with the observer part of my mind and basically reconcile the two aspects of mind and bring them together into wholeness until they are married. Until they are one. When the resentful part of me has been raised up, when it has grown, then I am able to work faster on the spiritual development and sanctification process. This process is painful. It hurts really really bad, but when it is over with there is a release. Hopefully this isn’t just some sort of emotional self mental-sex, but is actually developing.

The overarching point to all of this, is that I had a major session and faced two major tests. I managed to hold on this time and did my best to forgive in the moment. I told myself to “pray through it”. The heavenlies moved and the whole thing was cleared up within an hour. Then last night, the wifey apologized for something! Are the two correlated?

Another thing happened yesterday. Before my walk, I had the opportunity to kill a bug, but spared its life because I’m trying to be all loving to all of God’s creatures and such. The bug showing up reminded me that just the day before, my mom had told me a story about finding a baby rattle snake in her house. Her fellow spare the snake and took it to a nearby creek. Mom was up in arms about this, but I told her that he did the right thing and that she should watch for what happens and not tell him, because I bet that his life would later be spared on something else. Perhaps the bug was a test for me. I suppose the tests can come in the smallest package. Truly the flap of a butterfly’s wings can start a hurricane.

I began my normal morning walk, but it was looking cloudy outside. I got this mental image of it starting to rain violently as soon as I got back from my walk. It wasn’t a vision, just something in the back of my mind. As I went for my walk I started thinking about transformation, my marriage, my self, those I love, etc. A few seconds later I passed a young boy and his mother discussing a caterpillar and that it turns into a butterfly! A butterfly is one of those symbols that has often showed up right as I had given up hope on the whole situation and my family. Well I thought it was neato that the kiddo was talking about this, but continued down my walk. I saw two love birds, then an owl, then on the return trip it started to get really cold. The wind picked up. A few drops of rain pelted me here and there. The sting felt so good on my skin. I tried to feel the drops as they hit me and thought that I might even get an early morning rain walk. It would be electric! As I continued my walk, I crossed paths (almost stepped on) with a baby snake. Perhaps I didn’t get bitten because of my mom’s fellar? Who knows. I sensed that I had better get the move on so I walked a bit faster. I saw the approaching rain and knew it was a matter of a minute or two. Finally I made it back to the house and within 15 seconds it started pouring down rain!

Later on I went to my wife’s house. I got to go pee in her house for the first time. As I interacted with her I saw the butterfly. It was there on here neck – the necklace I had bought her for Christmas! Now this still doesn’t mean anything, but it was definitley a sign from the heavenlies for me. She gave me instructions for the medicine and my son who was sick. She was friendly. There was no awkwardness. Eventually, she came outside to get the kids in the car. I had somehow parked my car within a millimeter of her garage. As we were leaving, she came out to ask me about grandmas.

Later that evening we were close to getting into an argument about an issue with the court papers. The pastor counselor helped us work through the issue. When it was all said and done we were both happy and gleeful for a few minutes after we avoided the argument and still addressed the issue. I told her – I wish we would have known how to do this 5 years ago.

What a day!

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Well our anniversary is coming up. Still haven’t heard anything from the court.

My mother in law and father in law have their court date set for in a couple weeks.

I’m taking swing dancing and ball-room dancing at the same time. It is interesting trying to integrate these things into my two very left feet at the same time, but the girls I’ve danced with have told me that I am doing wonderfully now! They are almost opposing forces.

The wife and I actually had a peaceful 10 minute conversation yesterday without either one of us getting “invoked”. She has gone back to school. She told me about her school and such, which was nice to hear about. I wish I could be there for her with that part, but it seems that she wants to do this on her own.

Historically, she had gotten a little nicer at the first of each month as a general rule. I had figured that it probably had something to do with me writing her a check at the start of each month. This time it seemed much more genuine though. It seemed like she is trying to be nice so kuddos to her. She has started going back to church as well.

I’ve been saying “I forgive myself and I forgive her” each morning lately while I ring the water out of a washrag. I tell myself the washrag symbolizes me and the water symbolizes any malice or lack of forgiveness I may be holding onto.

The waves of anxiety are not as strong at this point. They come and go like little clouds that sit in front of the sun bringing shade for a few minutes on a hot day. It used to be cloudy and overcast for days at a time.

I’ve been keeping extremely detailed journals as of late. I note my feelings, who I spoke with, synchronicity, prayers, etc. I try to be aware of the cycles of the moon, etc.

For our anniversary, I have invited her to a dance this coming Saturday. Not expecting to hear anything, but you never know – she could have a change of heart and decide that a family is a terrible thing to waste.

One more month until the average time for marriage restoration according to the Steinkamp’s of Rejoice Ministries. Can’t believe I made it this far.

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The wife called me up and gave me the you need to move on speech last night.

Fun.

Hardly slept a wink.

I was so tired that I had sort of a weird phasing in/out of my consciousness as I was trying to sleep. It has happened once or twice before after several days of really intense physical labor. Very hard to explain, but essentially I felt like I was sort of here – on good ol’ planet earth, but somewhere else at the same time. It felt as though nothing here was real – like it was all one big illusion, as though the logical part of my mind shut down and all that was left was feelings and impressions.

I’m tired today. Really tired. Didn’t get hardly a wink of sleep last night. And, I’m really tired. Really tired.

Apparently the only hold up on the divorce being finalized is that she can’t pay her lawyer right now.

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This was relayed to me by my daughter and a witness.

My daughter is six and is just the cutest little girl ever. She says to my wife – “Mama – I want you to come back home”. Then she continues to press on her. Eventually my wife relents and says “That’s going to take some time” and “We’ll See”.

I know it may not be much, but it is the most I’ve heard heard her tell our children in a long time. It has been simply “No” for the last 1.5 years.

There are some other things that have happened, but I don’t want to suck the energy out of them so I’m not writing about them by design. They are offline for the time being. Perhaps one day I can tell the rest.

I’ve also heard that she is going to apply for food stamps tomorrow. Gee whiz. I must have been such a bad husband that she would rather live on food stamps then come home.

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