Depression is an interesting state of mind. Normally when I’m not fighting for marriage, it probably happens to me about once or twice a year for a day or so, but when I do slip into it – I wonder how is it possible to not break out of it. There are some poor folks that get trapped into it and can’t break out of that mode of thought. I feel for them. I consider it somewhat similar to trying to lose weight that you have never been able to lose or quitting smoking. It is not always as easy as it may appear on the surface.
My wife came by yesterday for the first time since March of 08 and wasn’t looking to get some of her stuff this time. I sensed that she wanted to talk – yet was sort of putting her toe in the bathwater to see if it was cold or not.
It was amazing the difference in her attitude when compared to the last 8 or 9 months. She had gotten terminated recently and her once very haughty I’m in control of my life tone from not even a month ago seems to have adjusted a bit. It reminded me of the same pattern she had done in high-school when we had broken up then. History tends to repeat itself in this life until we learn our lessosn I guess. That means me too, so relax.
I expect that the game of life includes little tests at each point – though we are often unaware of the test being taken. This is not to suggest that it is in the balance of going to hell or something, but rather seeking opportunities for growth desires to spiritually manifest. Opportunities to watch new paths unfold. Perhaps one can pray for opportunities.
As I have resolved to make myself into a bettter person, I notice that prayers get answered much more often. I’m still waiting on that big one of bringing my wife home in a nice bow tied package; however, many others have been answered. What I have noticed is that there seem to be tests along the way during some stages of our growth. Perhaps it is a probationary period designed to evaluate whether you are truly ready to love you neighbor as yourself and God with all your heart, soul, and mind. I suspect that loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind is actually loving your neighbor – quite similar to Isaiah 58.
Regardless of theological speculation, it is clear that has human beings – regardless of one’s faith – such goals are noble and worth pursuing. As part of the procees I think I have now gotten to the stage where I am to perceive the “tests” as they come to some degree. The following story may provide some perspective on a situation where I think I may have been tested.
I put this story out there, not for a pat on my own back – but to illustrate how things can work in what I believe would be an opening of doors so often described by Jesus. I have yet to get into any inner realms or spoken to beings of light as described in near death experiences, but I have seen some rather cool things happening after simply following intuition. My sense of intuition is still very limited, but I am trying to develop it each day.
So… after all the build up, the following is an example of movements of what I can only call “the force” or the Lord!
Yesterday, it was very strong on my heart to clean up the house. The kids had left their rooms in a mess the last time they were over and I hadn’t had a chance to clean up. Well, I had a gut instinct / vibe to clean and followed it.
Awhile later, someone called and was asking me to loan them money to have their electricity turned back on. I sensed a test or perhaps an opportunity for unfoldment of new paths in this thing I call my life. It was clear as day this time – here is a door, do you want to open it and see what happens? I measured and evaluated the risk, measured my heart, the tone in my friend’s voice, the amount of cash, etc. and then elected… to say.. Okay. He said he would pay me back by next Wednesday.
Cool. Simultaneously or very near to this time, my wife is coming back to her mother’s home. She tells her mother that she would like to take the kids this time. Due to the situation my wife has been hesitant to come by herself and instead had let her mother perform this function. This is the first time in 3 months she will have brought the kids herself. Something got placed on her heart I guess and she followed it.
As she arrives, I sensed something. Remorse with a tinge of depression mixed in. She is still smiling though. Remorse. Just in as much as one can slice through a room with a lot of tension with a butter knife, I can feel this remorse in her – yet the pride is still in control a bit. I must double up my prayer efforts and double my efforts to be a better man and hopefully husband I think to myself.
I had left the door open to the house and tried to give my wife space. She is very sensitive at the moment and I’m trying to respect the vibe. It is awkward – yet pleasant. I miss her so much.
At the behest of my daughter, the wife comes inside the house. She is then given a tour of the room’s belonging to both children. They just happened to be clean.
To put this into perspective – according to marriage restoration literature – one must keep one’s domicile clean in the event that one’s estranged spouse should stop by for an “inspection”. I don’t know why they do this, but it is very clearly documented as a part of the pattern and mindset of an estranged spouse when one spouse is still standing for the marriage. I think it makes sense given the estranged spouse’s present state of mind.
They are struggling with all sorts of forces internally including guilt, denial, anger, and in a sense perhaps even feeling lost. Often they have left – looking for something and not knowing what that something is.. as they get out into the big wide world they may find that it is not what they were looking for. Yet here it is, the family – staring them right in the face and they choose to ignore it. I parallel this with quitting smoking. One’s desire to quit may be there; however, the action has not yet followed. Time. The right conditions perhaps. A catalyst if one is aware enough to seek out one, can help such an event to occur . and then.. eleminate the desire.
Desire. I have found that if one has to use one’s will, then becoming a better person and growing spiritually will often be met in a sort of saw tooth pattern. Two steps forward and one back perhaps. However, if one can understand why one has certain desires – really dive into the emotion behind them, the deep seated reasoning. The areas that you don’t talk about at cock-tail parties, then perhaps some work can be done.
I could sense in the wife desires balanced with guilt and shame. All I could do was attempt to minimize her shame and encourage her with what I felt her mind would accept at this time. I told her “You look nice.” She responded – “Thank you.” and she left a bit later.
As she left, the wind blew the door shut. I thought… how ironic.
Yet – she came back in for a second time. She inquired if I had received an email from her because she had made a new account. I responded no. I asked if she would like to write it down. Yes. She writes it down. As she is leaving, she has to have seen the lavendar evenelope containing a card on the kitchen counter next to the exit. It had her name on it.
I wonder to myself – “Did she think about asking about the card?” The contents within are as mysterious as what is in my wife’s heart at the moment.
A couple weeks ago, I was getting to the point of giving up on her and moving on with my life. I had prayed for the emotions to be reinvigorated so I could stand longer for the marriage. I had thought about going through old pictures. The Lord or the force, whatever you want to call it, delivered something with one more dimension than pictures of my wife and family. I said “Thank-you” to all that is above.
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