One of things I had trouble with during the rebuilding of my marriage was dealing with all the rejection from my spouse. Evidently my personality type can only handle so much of it before I snap and do something really lame.

For example, I once built her a shrine so that she could see it when she got home from a week-end get away. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. I put lots of happy pictures and love notes and stuff. I even wrote a lengthy love letter. She arrived home and immediately dismantled the shrine and burnt the letters. Doh! I angered her and simultaneously became known as creepy former husband in her mind. Moral to the story. Don’t get desperate and don’t do stuff that would have creeped her out when you first started seeing each other.

In addition, even if she is doing some wacky stuff herself – you just take the high road and realize that if she is really a good person she will come back to herself and you – if can avoid desperate acts. Think of it like this – would she like to be with you when you were dating if you actually do what you’re thinking about doing? As far as handling the rejection – you just can’t expect anything out of her. You are going to have to love her one way for now – so again don’t expect anything in return for some time. Patience young grasshopper.

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So as my wife was starting to turn back around, our mutual secular counselor warned me about some upcoming anger flare-ups on her part. I don’t want to go into details, but in my situation, the counselor said that if my wife’s anger flared up, it was actually a good sign. Huh? (166 hits) If your spouse does start to unload on you – just sit there and listen without firing back. If you need to explain yourself then do so, but do NOT push any buttons. Yes, anger can actually be a positive sign. I guess we should never underestimate the complexities of the human psyche. I suggest you talk to a good counselor about this phenomenon to learn more about when it is applicable – I can only relate my personal experiences on this one. My wife did get some anger flare ups – and I was actually happy because it was a positive sign!

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Multiple books I’ve read describe a tactic for bringing some “positive energy” into your relationship. It is a cheesy way of describing how to avoid talking about all the crud that you guys have recently gone through, but still have something to build on.

The tactic is to simply recall your early dating days with your presently unaffectionate spouse to retrieve those happy feelings. This one failed miserably for me the first time I tried it – I got a “I don’t remember anything good about when we dated” but, I kept asking and quit doing all those things that landed me in the dog house before. Eventually this tactic worked and she remembered the good ol’ days. Word of advice – avoid the bad memories like the plague! If you see this conversation going down that path you had better steer it away. If you’re poor at conversation steering then God help you once you land on a bad memory – you had better be:

• sincere,
• not so critical,
• use I messages, and
• maintain your convictions.

That last part is very important – if you give up your identity to try and please her she may view you as having no backbone – then you are really hosed. Try to get back to a positive memory as quickly as possible without completely dodging her critique of your performance in whatever bad memory you just landed on. Just acknowledge it was wrong of you if it was – if you weren’t completely to blame then you can say that but you had better be sure it wasn’t all you, and then move on.

I like to call these things memory mines. Watch where you step – the same goes for Dr. Phil’s book (168 hits) – haha!

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