Glass Gloves

This story was actually told to me recently by a guy that has been at it for several months now trying to rescue his marriage. He granted me permission to tell it here as he is not quite comfortable telling the story himself.
To begin we’ll need a little background and please understand I’ve had to weave in a couple of parts because I’m not on the front lines. There is his truth, her truth, and somewhere in the middle is the actual truth.

So far his story seems to have many of the classic parts to this old story. That is, one partner is hell bent on a divorce (his wife), after years of getting treated poorly, affairs early on in the marriage by the partner now wanting to stay (him), etc. The thing is, almost this whole time in their marriage, his wife has had other “guy” friends. As best I can tell, these aren’t affair material at least in the sexual sense, but at the same time I can certainly appreciate how that could drive a man bonkers. She had this one friend in particular, who was married, that she would continually try to get her husband to hang out with and stuff.  Dinner parties. that sort of thing, but then it turned into some sort of weird 3rd wheel relationship with this other married couple that she knew from a former life.
So I try to think back early on in the marriage what would it have been like. This guy claims to have cheated on her 3 times early on. Ooops. Well, she forgave him I guess, but then it seems that she started turning her emotional attention to other men, but would play it as “we’re just friends”. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve known girls who are like this. These type of women just don’t get along with other women and tend to associate with guys. Some people call these tom boys. The more I’ve learned about his story, the more I think that this is what is going on, but it still angers me to even hear about what she is doing. I can feel the jealousy in myself when he tells his side of the story. Yet, I think I can understand how she got there.You see, what we forget, is that the beast that your spouse has turned into, was actually created by you, though you never realized it. How could you, you just weren’t equipped with the knowledge.

Sure sure, you spouse makes his or her own decisions, etc., but what happened was little by little you quit acting like you did when you first met this person and little by little they started to grow resentment and disconnected from you. Little by little your strengths became weaknesses and your weaknesses became more pronounced. Now this is tougher for women in many cases, because at times they’ll just sit there and be quiet about it, passively, taking the emotional hits that are perceived.
Suddenly that spark of love became a flame of a different nature.  It is an old story.

Many guys often complain about the seemingly continual decrease in their wife’s desire to participate in nocturnal activities. Part of that is just natural I suppose, but part of it is a reaction. It is their way of saying - I don’t FEEL loved. Many times I don’t think it is even a decision on their part. When they don’t feel loved, that part of them tends to just shut down. Now with women, this can be complex. Every single utterance out of their hubbies mouth is being scrutinized at times, for one simple thing: consideration of her. Self-sacrafice, that sort of thing. Little foxes get into the vineyard and start eating away at the fruit.

Her: Do I look fat in this dress.  Him: Slight hesitation.. trick question trick question… of course not dear. Her: Are you sure? Him: Well, you could lose a little in the thighs maybe. Her: He doesn’t love me.

Where does this come from? I don’t know. Guys do the same thing when we get turned down for a roll in the hay.

Him: So….. can we have a little fun? Her: Not tonight, I don’t have time because I need to brush my teeth. Him: Well you made time to call your girlfriend, but you can’t take 5 minutes out for me. Her: 5 Minutes? Sheesh. He treats me like a piece of meat… an object… all I am to him is a place to masturbate when he gets his urges. Him: Well, if you’re not going to, do I need to find someone that will? Her: See, he doesn’t love me. Him: Why does she not love me?
Now the funny thing is, the whole time, the guy actually does love her, but if he is anything like many guys, is unable to communicate that in a manner that she understands. The best I can describe it is in the expression: “Do you feel me?” That means, not the words, but the emotions behind the words.
Now back to our story. So he cheated a couple of times eh? I wonder how that happened. I imagine it had something to do with the extreme conclusion of the above exchange. No doubt, she got hurt by this. BAD. But she relented and still stood by him. Then she just wants someone to listen to her, that will try to connect with her. The trouble is, that is pretty much any guy, whose motivation is to get into her shorts. She feels wanted… connected… and it can lead to a very dangerous path for the marriage. So since her husband is always working or not around and when he is around has generally been a pain and a source of more hurt, she reaches out to others. She engaged in her tom boyishness and slowly the tied has turned. Now he no longer trusts her. Perhaps that is the guilt of what he has done in the past. Perhaps he doesn’t realize what he has created. He started becoming jealous. Rightfully so I suppose, let bygones be bygone; however, this jealousy started tearing him up inside. Why won’t she give me the same attention. And so, the downward spiral began. One day, he snapped and couldn’t take his wife hanging out with another married man anymore and he asked for a divorce. That wasn’t what he wanted though. He just wanted to be loved by her. She called his bluff and saw an opportunity to get out scott free. After all, he was the ONE who asked for the divorce. The opening stages of the paper work were filed, but not much has happened on them since.

He realizes something. My God My God, what have I done. I don’t want a divorce. Is it too late? He finds this awesome one stop shop and tries to do what he can.

He has spent the last several months trying to reconnect with her. He’s trying to correct that mistake, all of those mistakes. She has continued to gain more guy friends. On the Internet, other married men, all of them seemingly “platonic” if such a word is true. Despite these clear violations of marital etiquette, she has allowed him into her bed, and says that she likes the man he is becoming.  She wants to move back closer to home for her and wants him to pay for it. He grants her request. When she is moved, she tells him that she wants him to come to her at her new home.

There is a slight problem though. The reason they are here now is because of these guy friends. This is what drove him to jealousy and to become a big meanie from her perspective. He is struggling with this inside somewhere. How can I TRUST her? Has she ever cheated on him before? No. Though what she’s doing isn’t exactly normal, is there any reason to conclude that she is cheating now? No. Yet there is still something inside bugging him. Can’t say that I blame him, I would have probably been put in a mental institution by now if my wife was doing that, but then, I haven’t heard her side of the truth.

He tells me all of this, and I get angry at her. I feel my blood boiling. Reliving times past when my wife and I went through this. Simmer down simmer down. Then I ask  him more.
You see, there are still little signs of light. She asks: Are you coming home this weekend? I want you to sleep in my bed with me.

He asks: Can I have a kiss? Can we stop this divorce?

She answers: No and no.

That kiss represents something to her. It is giving her heart back to him, but after being hurt so many times, she doesn’t want to fall for it again unless it is real this time. So she waits on her emotions to return. She doesn’t want to give that kiss unless it is real for her.

Then it happens. Out of the blue. They are at a wal-mart parking lot. She asks him… are you going to come inside? He responds.. after I park the car. She goes around to the other side of the car. She gives him that kiss. It took her 6 months just to be able to trust him with that kiss.

The next day they are at Sonic. He asks about stopping the divorce again. She is annoyed. I’ve told you we are still getting the divorce. The jealousy of her “guy friends” has eaten at him again. He knows not do this, but asks anyway. The answer is unsatisfactory, he loses his temper, and throws the vehicle into reverse. One extra long chili cheese coney that was sitting on the dash is now flung onto her lap and hits some of her paperwork (not the divorce papers). She is angry to put it mildly. What would his mother do if she saw this? What would his friends do? Thank goodness he didn’t laugh.
6 months of work down the tubes or is it? Now is a time to be a man about it. Yes, I got angry. I feel like I’m being strung along and I care so much about you that it is eating me alive so I made a mistake. Do you understand how I could have gotten there? It was a mistake though, and I’m sorry. I need to be alone for a few days to think things over. This is the part where he needs to “let go”. He is almost there. He has given up on our Father. I think maybe this whole thing was just a trial to turn him into a better man. Will he survive? Tough to call, because I’m not sure whether he will let go or not.
These things go in cycles. You will make progress, then the emotions will get the best of you and the next thing you know you will do something stupid like taking her kiss, stomping it into the ground, and then smearing chili cheese all over it.

Set her expectations that you will make mistakes, but also don’t just give her lip service when you say you are going to do something.

You say that you are working on being a better man? How can this be true if you still can’t accept that I want a divorce and react by burning out at a Sonic? Proof is in the pudding. Think of it this way… what if she said she was going to try to make more of an effort in the nocturnal activities, and the net result was once only in blue moon still.  Would you believe her? Same thing goes for your anger outbursts, and your attempts to quit focusing as much on the physical aspects of the relationship. How is she to believe that you are working on that part, if you still ask her every time you see her for a kiss? She will give that to you when her heart is ready and not until then. You were so close. You got the kiss. You proved it could be done. Ready to give up or shall you try again and get better ammunition this time?

Ask yourself…. how can I stop myself from asking her about the divorce? A disturbing mental image should do. Picture her sharing a chili cheese coney with one of the band members from KISS (ewww) and maybe that will stop those pesky flight or fight instincts from taking over next time.  What was it that I did right for her to finally give me that kiss? Who am I kidding. I messed up big this time.
Heck I don’t Yahweh - Dad - somewhere up there in the clouds, I gave up on you. That was wrong of me. I can’t do this any more. You win. Will you take over please.?I’ve been a bad boy, but I am now repenting. I want to come home. You were right. Will you hear my prayers now? We sometimes sounds like the teenager who finally figures out that his parents’ aren’t so stupid after all.
I hope I got some parts of the story right, I’m sure he’ll email me to let me know if not.

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I had something rather interesting happen to me today that I found slightly amusing. So there I was outside the office having a nice little smoke break. Yeah, I know, I’ve quite about 100 times. Anyway, this guy makes a b-line for me, his clothes are bit disheveled, clearly his purpose is to extract either some change or a smoke from me. I used to work in downtown where many a supposed homeless man prospered from my bleeding heart. So I recognize it right away.

It is just another pattern I guess.

Let’s see what he wants. Is it money, tell me a great story about how needs only a dollar more for a bus ticket, how he is no longer on drugs, or he needs a dollar to go see his son, the list goes on. Now make no mistake, some of those guys have very real stories, but I’ve found that a number of them just make stuff up. Yeah, I give em money anyway - shame on me for supporting their lifestyle, but I figure there has to be one in a hundred who actually needs the money, had a real story, and many of them are mentally ill. I’ve seen some that swat at stuff that isn’t there before.
Some of the more inventive homeless folk in Houston are now asking for money to supply such high ambitions as a college fund for their kids and even just honest - Need money for Beer! I really feel sorry for them though. Imagine being caught up in something like that and not having the will and sometimes the ability to break out of the cycle. What went wrong? I have to admit though, that sometimes I envy these folks a bit. The only thing they really have to worry about is where to sleep and where their next meal comes from.
Well anyway here goes the rest of the story:

Disheveled clothes man: Hey man can I have a cigarette?

Smoke break guy: I guess so.

Disheveled clothes man: How about two, I’ve got a quarter.

Smoke break guy thinks to himself, okay, you don’t have to buy them if I’m giving them to you, but maybe this is some kind of pride thing.

Smoke break guy: Well, you keep that, here’s a couple of smokes.

Disheveled clothes man: Thanks!

Disheveled clothes man: God bless Vietnam vets man, that’s why they’re not fat like you.

Smoke break guy: Puzzled look.

Disheveled clothes man: Realizes what he just said. Big koolaid smile. Slight stutter for split second.
Disheveled clothes man: Continues to smile, But, that’s healthy, take care.

Disheveled clothes man makes haste!

Smoke break guy thinking to himself: You seem a tad bit young to have been in the war man. Very clever though, you never said you were in the war.
Smoke break guy: Bursts out into laughter.

That guy just made my day! To make matters even funnier though, a slim fit woman comes jogging by with her athletic gear on immediately after this whole incident. This is Texas - it is HOT outside right now. I can only imagine how much tougher than me she is to be running in 105 degree heat! If I said the wrong thing, I imagine this girl would clean the pavement with my rear end.
I look up at the sky and say to our Father - so what? You’re saying I’m fat too?

I promptly relayed this story to my wife, but she didn’t seem to appreciate the inherent humor in it. She also says I’m not fat, but I think she’s looking at me through a different set of goggles than the person who just paid me a wonderful compliment and got two of my smokes for free!
Perspective baby.
Still though, there is a deeper lesson here, and that is the one of the downward spiral not unlike what our homeless friend had been experiencing for some time. The same pattern can apply in marital disputes. What happens is the two of you, though you are supposed to act like one, became selfish somehow. It happens. I do it all the time and just keep working towards perfection, but I’m a long way away. He did this, she did this, he did this, from an outsider it looks like two little kids fighting. One of the kids needs to have a maturity growth moment to pull the other one out of the argument, or you could always just have mom and dad stop the fight. Some folks do this for 20-30 years and still never figure it out. Never make it to stage 3 in the marriage that is.
That makes me wonder though. When my children decide they want to argue over something, I’ve found that one of the most effective cures is to have them both sit down and face each other. Eventually, one will smile, and the fight is over about 10 seconds later. I wonder if this could somehow work in a marital argument? I know I mentioned the joke tactic before, but there is just something really powerful about a smile, or staying mad at someone who is being nice to you. It is hard to do, eventually the desire to stay angry can’t stay as long as there is a smile in the way. A smirk on the other hand…. get ready for WWIII. People are so funny!

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People change and so can you.

Has she told you this “You’re not the same person I fell in love with” or “I’m no longer the same person”?
Do you know that initial bliss in any new relationship? You know - that stage where you can’t stop thinking about the person you just got involved with? Then at some point it sours - you find out you’re not compatible or whatever. What about the same in marriage though. You married her for a reason and she you. Both of you expressed a lifetime commitment to each other for some reason. What happened? Did you both expect that it would be peaches and cream the whole time? Did reality set in? I’m not saying that it can’t be most of the time, but to get there takes work after the initial bliss has passed.

When was the last time you two did something fun together? Did you get caught up in the business of life? Or is it worse - did she give up? I don’t care if she has - you can bring her back if you try hard enough. I did.

Until you can get past this stage that you both are in - that “love” thing you are searching for will be elusive. It is only a stage. This too shall pass if at least one of you is willing.

If you are on this site, you are most likely at stage 2 of marriage as explained by this save the marriage ebook (244 hits) that I read from another site. Please note - the ebook is good for understanding what you are up against - but you should also supplement it with other resources. Are you at the Fight Fight Fight stage or have you been together so long that you’ve forgotten and become complacent and never made it to stage 3. I can’t speak to the latter because we were at the fight fight fight stage.

What I did learn from people who have been married for much longer that I have been alive is that it is founded on commitment, acceptance, and forgiveness. The raw emotion of love is some kind of reward that your brain gives you for doing those things.

She has lost that emotion, because you have not showed her love in a manner that she can understand (14 hits). Just like many of us guys equate sex with love she will have other things that she needs.

Does she say that she can’t forgive you? That is a crock too. She has only convinced herself of that. I know my wife did, but she eventually forgave me after I started acting right for an extended period.

I had to really forgive her after some of the things she did once I had pushed her too far.

Love is also a decision when it comes to your spouse. Period. You will never be able to meet all of your expectations and you hers until years down in the marriage. Do you think these people that are happily married after 50 years never had a rough period like what you guys are going through? Why don’t you ask around and you may be surprised.

Did you or her get this expectation out of a movie ?

It is like a river man! The marriage relationship will change as you or your wife changes. If you are truly committed to this woman, you must adjust to her changes and only then can she adjust to you.

What is different about her? Do you know? Have her needs changed?

Food for thought.

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Once my wife entered the divorce is NOT the only option stage I realized there was a strange phenomenon at work.

Mixed feelings.

I am told that this is natural. If your wife starts back towards you she may seem to be “flip-flopping”, confused, and generally not making a whole lot of sense. She may be angry one minute and then crying later that evening.

This is actually a good sign. You can acknowledge that you understand that she is going through mixed feelings and don’t freak out if she bites your head off for something.

Acknowledge the feelings for what they are - don’t criticize the reason behind them. People are generally unable to control how they feel, but you can perhaps give her one useful tidbit.

I’ve read that the brain (need a reference) tends to rewire itself once behaviors are set into motion and learned as a habit. In other words, if you can ask her to just go through the motions of acting like she loves you, and acknowledge that it doesn’t mean anything for now, - sometimes that can bring her feelings back just by acting out the behaviors.

The first time I tried this it worked Okay. You just need to make sure she is in a really good mood, but this one is a bit risky.

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One of the key things that you may be able to tell your spouse is just how much a divorce will hurt the both of you. Removing the emotion - it will be a mess for both of you. You can present the information, but remember to let her make her own decisions right now. You can’t make her do anything.
I started searching Google using “prevent divorce”. Most of the stuff that is out there is a bit theoretical with limited practical application. However, I did find a site (254 hits) that seems to be somewhat similar to the objectives of this site.

It also had some interesting facts and shocking stats about the subject.

The site didn’t have the source for the data, but interesting none the less. There were also some interesting articles here (142 hits) as well.

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In a previous post (74 hits), I spoke about making more effective use of your time (115 hits) to help prevent your work from grossly affecting your marriage.
There is another thing to talk about. Timing of message delivery to your wife. Sometimes there may be an issue in the marriage that you guys need to work through. This does not matter whether it is the “she’s about to leave” stage or “she’s back in the same bed” stage.

I know that I used to get a bug up my sleeve and would want to talk about something important with our marriage. The only problem is that it would be at 4 AM as she was sleeping. Do you find yourself trying to talk about sensitive issues at 4AM? It is probably a good idea to better time the delivery of any issues to discuss.

In addition, this same concept goes for your nocturnal activities if they have resumed. She can not be open to such activities unless the timing is right. You must learn when she is open to such activities and what times are blocked off.
Let’s talk about about timing and personality types. Some folks are worried about being on time, schedules, etc and others could care less. I fall into the latter category, but have been trained by my work to pretend to be in the first category.

An overly defined schedule makes me feel crowded. I don’t know how else to describe it.

However, missing something as scheduled makes my wife feel anxious. We have now learned this about each other and have figured out how to better communicate the timing of events.

Here is what I did.

I setup a calendar on Google calendars that syncs to my work calendar. She can schedule personal events on my work calendar and since my day is often driven by my work calendar - I can see what is coming up in our personal life and have time to react. My wife now calls me up and reminds me about an hour before any personal events (e.g., kids recitals, school plays, etc.) as well.
We are also working on a shared “todo” list on another website. This gives us projects and dreams that we can work towards together.
I’ll put links to how this can be done shortly, I just wanted to make sure the information was available.

One last thing. As far as restoring your marriage, you must remember that you will be on God’s time. You can’t expect this to happen overnight. Remember, God has probably set this up so that you can learn an important virtue - Patience.

Time to move on from this post. I suppose I need to write about personality types next.

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As I was on the brink of repairing my marriage my wife and I quit seeing our mutual secular counselor at the same time. She wanted to go by herself. I then started going by myself to improve my anger management and to gather intelligence. Our counselor was in effect acting as an intelligence agent on “our” behalf by providing me with a status update on my wife’s progress towards recovery or lack thereof.

What I learned was interesting. My wife was fairly certain that there was no way I would be able to revise my errant ways on a permanent basis; however, she did indicate that I had been performing better recently. Her mind was still made up to go for the big D word because there was no way in her mind that I would be able to actually make some changes and maintain them for any meaningful length of time.

In her mind it was “He has said he was going to change so many times before - what makes it different this time?”. It had to be different this time. I utilized mental images of being without her or her being with someone else to make sure I didn’t regress. This drove me towards becoming consistently better. This was not changing who I am, but rather was making myself better. We can all stand to improve ourselves. In addition, I did tell her that though I was trying to improve, I am still human and would likely make mistakes. I set her expectations, but let her know I really was trying.

As you start to show signs of improvement you’ve got to make sure that you don’t regress. Figure out a way to monitor your progress and to keep you progressing. If the communications lines are open - one way to do this is to just ask her or find out from other sources how she thinks you are doing. In my case, the other source was our counselor. If you must, tell her why you are doing this i.e., so you can get better to improve the hopes of saving the marriage, but you better not break the law of not being creepy. It is a fine balance. If you must - write down how many “violations (102 hits)” you’ve had per day and per week. Keep track. Your log book (133 hits) is a good place for this.

Ironically, all of this is not too far from what I’ve learned in the corporate world - organizations tend to make “sawtooth” improvements in their processes. Stated another way - two steps forward one step back. This seems to be no different from people like you and me (gee whiz since people seem to form most corporate processes).

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My grandfather shared with me a simple truth about marriage that I’d like to share with you. My grand parents have been married for well over 50 years so the man must know at least a thing or two about the subject.

If you don’t go to your job or place of employment what happens? You’d get fired right? The same applies to your marriage. It is a job and if you don’t work at it you will get fired i.e., divorced.

Simple.

I think this also has another lesson that my grandfather may not have seen. At my job we like to say work smarter not harder. I believe this also applies to a marriage. You can give her chocolates every single day of your life, but if chocolates are meaningless to her what good are your efforts doing? Food for thought!

In addition, I have learned not to compare her to my grandmother. This applies to other “model” marriages from those bygone times. This is not the 1950s so don’t expect your family to be like the Beavers. I have noticed that as a general trend women’s tolerance for the “bohemian” male has gone down tremendously with each generation. The bohemian male is that guy who props down in front of the TV in his underwear and asks his wife for a beer and then refuses to help her out some. If you don’t believe me - just ask your mom about some of the stuff she put up with, and then ask your grand mother. You may be surprised.

Unfortunately, depending on which generation you grew up in - you will have to live up to a different standard of behavior from what you may have grown up with and the reality is that the ideal standard of behavior has become lost.

The standard is simple though - love her more than you love yourself. If you follow this principle to the tee, she has no choice but to follow, but it may take time. Love is patient.

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Marriages and relationships have stages. Stage 1 = Initial Bliss. Stage 2 = Fight Fight Fight. Stage 3 = Acceptance of each other / Intimacy. Stage 4 = Oneness. If you are reading this, you are may be close to reaching stage 3 if you can make it out of the mess you both are in. At stage 2 it is possible that the things that initially attracted your partner to you have become liabilities in your spouse’s eyes and possibly vice versa.

For example:

He is easy going = He is irresponsible.

She is detail oriented = She is too picky.

He is educated / intelligent = He thinks he is smarter than everyone.

She is athletic = She cares too much about sports.

He is fun loving = He never wants to be serious.

She is responsible = She is boring.

Get the idea?

Be aware of this phenomenon; however, you don’t have to change who you are - at least not completely. If you are generally a good guy/girl your spouse may recognize that, but there is no doubt you do some things that are driving him / her away. You’ve got to accept yourself and then work towards making yourself even better. Repackage your self - but you don’t have to change everything.

If you think this is cheesy, I suggest you read Dr. Phil’s book not only for the cheese, but to get yourself in the right mind state for bettering yourself. Your spouse can only follow once you lead the way. At some point, you may reach stage 3 - finally your spouse has accepted you and you have accepted your spouse. It has become a better US!

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As stated previously, if your spouse moves out - your chances of preventing the divorce go down significantly and the pace of putting things together is slowed dramatically. You go from direct communication to maybe a phone call or letter. If the communication stops completely - you are in real trouble. Time to start praying - ask for others’ prayers as well.

This is where we were at.

She was in the “divorce is the only option” stage and was actively seeking a place to live before I offered a truce. My wife was a house wife and had limited career options at the time. Despite these set backs for her, I knew full well that if she wanted to she could find a way to move out. I also knew she was just buying time - effectively using me. Like in Judo, I used this to “our” advantage. I was giving 100% to the marriage and she was giving 0%, but it was still our marriage in my mind. Sometimes one partner needs to take up some slack.

I knew that statistically if your spouse moves out - your chances of reconnecting go down significantly. I needed a way to keep her in the house without her feeling like I was trying to control her. If she felt controlled, she would be out in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Here is what I did.

I volunteered to sleep on the couch, continue to pay the mortgage etc., and a few other concessions so that the kids and her would have a place to live for awhile until she managed to get enough money to start a career of her own. I effectively offered a “smooth transition” to her new life. I also told her that I was doing this for the kids and us, because I was hanging on to hope that she would turn around. She knew that this would only benefit her and the kids no matter how much she hated me at the time. It was a win win situation.

There is a trick to this though. Your offer can not come off like a business deal. It needs to be genuinely interested in her well being because you love her. In addition, it was important that she knew that I wanted our marriage to work - no matter how much she didn’t at the time. You can’t come off as some spineless weakling who is caving into her every demand - but you still need to demonstrate that you are willing to go the mile and then some if that is what it takes to save the marriage.

Get your priorities straight. Besides your soul - nothing else matters more in life than your marriage. Yes even the kids will move out one day.

My tactic was to play the odds and make it easier for her to transition away in her mind by offering her a place to stay without me getting in the way too much. I also appealed to her need for “space” at the time by staying on the couch. Some people need space and some don’t. Some people are pursuers and some are not in relationships. You need to figure out what your spouse needs in this area and find a balance that won’t make her feel abandoned, but at the same time is respectful of her space needs whatever they may be at the time.

The moral to the story is you’ve got to find a way to keep your spouse in the same state, city, house, bed or as close as you can without pushing too hard.

If you are able to sleep in the same bed and you are a guy - for crying out loud please don’t put any moves on her until she invites you to. Patience. If you are a sexually charged individual like me (or just a guy) then you better learn how to control your reproductive urges fast. I’ve got some helpful mental reminders / alternatives to masturbation in the following paragraph.

Once I finally got her to sleep in the same bed again I just remembered that any “moves” I attempted would land me right back on the couch bed. I waited for the invitation. Remember that if you push too hard it could result in weeks or months of lost progress. They say that it takes years to build up trust with a woman and only one day to lose it. One thing I used was to imagine myself completely without her if I pushed too hard - that stopped those moves right in their tracks.

Another useful stat is that if you or her remarry - your chances of another divorce go up quite a bit. Trade one set of problems for another. If you don’t fix yourself first and she doesn’t fix herself it is likely that you’ll be in the same boat, but with a different person. I’ll talk more about this later.

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