There is a scene in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” where the patriarch in the family believes that since he is the head of the family things should be his way. There is no way his daughter is going to marry a non-Greek agnostic. His wife slyly retorts – the head can not move without a neck! His wife managed to convince the patriarch otherwise about the approval of his daughter’s suitor. Before the movie was complete the non-Greek agnostic actually goes through the Church ceremonies.

How lucky for this woman getting married that they could begin to agree on such a significant religious issue well before the marriage had commenced. Others are not as fortunate. Some of us are confronted with situations where we think we know our spouse’s spiritual leanings, but over a period of time we learn the truth or our spouse’s faith begins to waiver as was the case with my wife.

I discussed this subject with a friend of mine having some marital problems of her own today. Apparently her husband doesn’t believe in praying and is a bit on the agnostic side. In effect – he either never believed or has become so lost that it as though he never did. I decided to refer my friend to some Biblical passages that I uncovered during my own search to save my marriage. 1 Corinthians (225 hits) 7:13-15 discusses the subject of divorce. For those who have never read the Bible – this is an excerpt from a passage from one of Jesus’ disciples, Paul, written to the Greeks of Corinth about many topics including marriage.

I believe the intent of these specific verses is that if you are Christian and your spouse is not, you should lead by example in your marriage and hopefully your spouse will eventually turn to God. It also indicates that if your spouse is not a believer and decides to leave, then as a Christian you should let them. It seems that this may be a bit of a Biblical loop-hole for Christians married to non-believers.

I doubt a loop-hole is what you need if you are reading this though. I imagine you really want to save your marriage, even if your spouse’s spiritual leanings or lack thereof, are different from your own. I imagine that somewhere deep down inside you really love your spouse and would prefer not to exercise some Biblical loop-hole, but instead save your marriage. There are plenty of people who have done it. Let me tell you about one.

A family member of mine told me about his mother in law who waited 30 years for her husband to stop being an abusive alcoholic. As the story was told to me, this guy was agnostic as well. At some point, this man had what alcoholics sometimes call “a moment of clarity”. He felt the presence of the Divine and never drank again. What dedication to the marriage that woman must have had to wait that long. If he had ever wanted to leave, and I imagine there were times that he did, then his wife would have been fully justified in releasing him if she stuck strictly to the letter of the law in what Paul wrote. Instead, she waited patiently for him to change. That kind of strength is rare in our 24X7 (275 hits) society. Most of us would just waltz on down to the court house and get a divorce.

The hope is that through the assistance of the Man above, your unwaivering faith, and unconditional love, that you may eventually help save your marriage and your spouse’s soul to boot! If you are a believer just remember, you are not alone in this. For those who don’t believe in Jesus- getting your spouse back may hurt as bad as crucifixion but it is still possible. It will take a different kind of love from you, one that you may not be used to.

Did you know that the Greeks actually had several words to describe the different kinds of love? Is the mysterious concept of creating a working marriage Greek to you? Fortunately for you – there is a book (18 hits) that talks all about the different kinds of love as they relate to marriage.

I’ve observed in my own search that many of the secular resources out there actually borrowed many of the concepts from the Bible. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, but I think it is ironic that there are timeless truths written in the ancient Hebrew and Greek Biblical texts. They have been translated and repackaged into something even the modern divorce “trigger happy” sophisticate can understand.

Even if you don’t believe in all this Bible stuff you can still learn some valuable lessons.

Check out the first three chapters of Hosea, and especially 1 Corinthians (225 hits). For those of you who can’t seem to say the right thing to your wife – check out James 3.

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Marriages and relationships have stages. Stage 1 = Initial Bliss. Stage 2 = Fight Fight Fight. Stage 3 = Acceptance of each other / Intimacy. Stage 4 = Oneness. If you are reading this, you are may be close to reaching stage 3 if you can make it out of the mess you both are in. At stage 2 it is possible that the things that initially attracted your partner to you have become liabilities in your spouse’s eyes and possibly vice versa.

For example:

He is easy going = He is irresponsible.

She is detail oriented = She is too picky.

He is educated / intelligent = He thinks he is smarter than everyone.

She is athletic = She cares too much about sports.

He is fun loving = He never wants to be serious.

She is responsible = She is boring.

Get the idea?

Be aware of this phenomenon; however, you don’t have to change who you are – at least not completely. If you are generally a good guy/girl your spouse may recognize that, but there is no doubt you do some things that are driving him / her away. You’ve got to accept yourself and then work towards making yourself even better. Repackage your self – but you don’t have to change everything.

If you think this is cheesy, I suggest you read Dr. Phil’s book not only for the cheese, but to get yourself in the right mind state for bettering yourself. Your spouse can only follow once you lead the way. At some point, you may reach stage 3 – finally your spouse has accepted you and you have accepted your spouse. It has become a better US!

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As stated previously, if your spouse moves out – your chances of preventing the divorce go down significantly and the pace of putting things together is slowed dramatically. You go from direct communication to maybe a phone call or letter. If the communication stops completely – you are in real trouble. Time to start praying – ask for others’ prayers as well.

This is where we were at.

She was in the “divorce is the only option” stage and was actively seeking a place to live before I offered a truce. My wife was a house wife and had limited career options at the time. Despite these set backs for her, I knew full well that if she wanted to she could find a way to move out. I also knew she was just buying time – effectively using me. Like in Judo, I used this to “our” advantage. I was giving 100% to the marriage and she was giving 0%, but it was still our marriage in my mind. Sometimes one partner needs to take up some slack.

I knew that statistically if your spouse moves out – your chances of reconnecting go down significantly. I needed a way to keep her in the house without her feeling like I was trying to control her. If she felt controlled, she would be out in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Here is what I did.

I volunteered to sleep on the couch, continue to pay the mortgage etc., and a few other concessions so that the kids and her would have a place to live for awhile until she managed to get enough money to start a career of her own. I effectively offered a “smooth transition” to her new life. I also told her that I was doing this for the kids and us, because I was hanging on to hope that she would turn around. She knew that this would only benefit her and the kids no matter how much she hated me at the time. It was a win win situation.

There is a trick to this though. Your offer can not come off like a business deal. It needs to be genuinely interested in her well being because you love her. In addition, it was important that she knew that I wanted our marriage to work – no matter how much she didn’t at the time. You can’t come off as some spineless weakling who is caving into her every demand – but you still need to demonstrate that you are willing to go the mile and then some if that is what it takes to save the marriage.

Get your priorities straight. Besides your soul – nothing else matters more in life than your marriage. Yes even the kids will move out one day.

My tactic was to play the odds and make it easier for her to transition away in her mind by offering her a place to stay without me getting in the way too much. I also appealed to her need for “space” at the time by staying on the couch. Some people need space and some don’t. Some people are pursuers and some are not in relationships. You need to figure out what your spouse needs in this area and find a balance that won’t make her feel abandoned, but at the same time is respectful of her space needs whatever they may be at the time.

The moral to the story is you’ve got to find a way to keep your spouse in the same state, city, house, bed or as close as you can without pushing too hard.

If you are able to sleep in the same bed and you are a guy – for crying out loud please don’t put any moves on her until she invites you to. Patience. If you are a sexually charged individual like me (or just a guy) then you better learn how to control your reproductive urges fast. I’ve got some helpful mental reminders / alternatives to masturbation in the following paragraph.

Once I finally got her to sleep in the same bed again I just remembered that any “moves” I attempted would land me right back on the couch bed. I waited for the invitation. Remember that if you push too hard it could result in weeks or months of lost progress. They say that it takes years to build up trust with a woman and only one day to lose it. One thing I used was to imagine myself completely without her if I pushed too hard – that stopped those moves right in their tracks.

Another useful stat is that if you or her remarry – your chances of another divorce go up quite a bit. Trade one set of problems for another. If you don’t fix yourself first and she doesn’t fix herself it is likely that you’ll be in the same boat, but with a different person. I’ll talk more about this later.

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One of things I had trouble with during the rebuilding of my marriage was dealing with all the rejection from my spouse. Evidently my personality type can only handle so much of it before I snap and do something really lame.

For example, I once built her a shrine so that she could see it when she got home from a week-end get away. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. I put lots of happy pictures and love notes and stuff. I even wrote a lengthy love letter. She arrived home and immediately dismantled the shrine and burnt the letters. Doh! I angered her and simultaneously became known as creepy former husband in her mind. Moral to the story. Don’t get desperate and don’t do stuff that would have creeped her out when you first started seeing each other.

In addition, even if she is doing some wacky stuff herself – you just take the high road and realize that if she is really a good person she will come back to herself and you – if can avoid desperate acts. Think of it like this – would she like to be with you when you were dating if you actually do what you’re thinking about doing? As far as handling the rejection – you just can’t expect anything out of her. You are going to have to love her one way for now – so again don’t expect anything in return for some time. Patience young grasshopper.

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Multiple books I’ve read describe a tactic for bringing some “positive energy” into your relationship. It is a cheesy way of describing how to avoid talking about all the crud that you guys have recently gone through, but still have something to build on.

The tactic is to simply recall your early dating days with your presently unaffectionate spouse to retrieve those happy feelings. This one failed miserably for me the first time I tried it – I got a “I don’t remember anything good about when we dated” but, I kept asking and quit doing all those things that landed me in the dog house before. Eventually this tactic worked and she remembered the good ol’ days. Word of advice – avoid the bad memories like the plague! If you see this conversation going down that path you had better steer it away. If you’re poor at conversation steering then God help you once you land on a bad memory – you had better be:

• sincere,
• not so critical,
• use I messages, and
• maintain your convictions.

That last part is very important – if you give up your identity to try and please her she may view you as having no backbone – then you are really hosed. Try to get back to a positive memory as quickly as possible without completely dodging her critique of your performance in whatever bad memory you just landed on. Just acknowledge it was wrong of you if it was – if you weren’t completely to blame then you can say that but you had better be sure it wasn’t all you, and then move on.

I like to call these things memory mines. Watch where you step – the same goes for Dr. Phil’s book (168 hits) – haha!

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