Glass Gloves

I’m Ray. Not really, but for Glass Gloves purposes I’m Ray. Shohn invited me to add some posts and share my separation/divorce experiences here. I’ve already posted a few observations.

I’m 55 years old, married (kind of) to my third wife. (NO NO! Keep reading!)

I was married in 1974 to my first wife, the mother of my only child. I moved from the city we lived in to another 8 hours’ drive away for a job in 1983. She would not move. There’s other factors I’ll skip. In my youth (OK, 33 years old is young when you’re in your 50’s) I filed for and got a divorce.

In Glass Gloves, I’ve already referred to my second wife as “Rachel”. We were married in 1992. We lived happily. We loved each other very much. But in January, 2000, she was diagnosed with cancer. Within two months Jesus released her from her cancer and called her home. I miss her even now. I learned a lot about the grief of losing a spouse then. I’ll share it with Glass Gloves soon. It might be important for someone.

I followed the statistics, and by November, 2000 I was married to “Mrs. Ray”. We loved each other very much, too. But about 18 months ago, Mrs. Ray began having doubts about me. Lots of little things, but they all added up. No affair, drugs, violence, or other “bad” things. Just lots of little stuff. In fact my pastor calls this a “divorce of annoyances”. I do not belittle her reasons, but they run from controlling to lying to procrastination and so on. Sound familiar to anyone? Raise your hands. OK thank you.

Here are some details about my current situation. Hopefully, this may sound familiar to a reader. In other words, these things have happened before, but not to me. And probably not to you, at least until now either.

As I said, Mrs. Ray started complaining about many little things. It seems I often offended people. Or I lied about something. Or I spent money on upgrading my computer when she thinks I should not have. (Hello out there! Do you really, really need Vista right now?) As time wore on, these things built up into frustration on her part, and also on my part as I tried and tried to figure out what I could do to smooth out my marriage. We began seeing a counselor.

Here’s the final straw: In a heated discussion (Honestly, we are pretty good about not arguing, but we do have heated discussions.) I began a sentence, and Mrs. Ray immediately jumped to a 100% wrong conclusion. I suddenly said “Shut up!” (never done that before to my wife!)

Mrs. Ray said “What??”

I replied, “You’ve taken this the absolute wrong way! Let me explain!”

She got up and said “I’m through!” and began to walk away.

I did another thing that I have never ever done to my wife. Ever. I reached out, grabbed her by the hand and pushed her back into her chair. In fear, she did sit down. I told Mrs. Ray that she had the way wrong idea, and I explained what I was trying to say. I explained why I grabbed her like I did – I was desperate that she not walk away with the totally wrong idea. Then she did get up and leave.

That was pretty much it. By the weekend she told me we were getting a divorce. I’ve left out many details, but I did want to share our “last moments” with Glass Gloves. Firstly, so readers will know how I “got” here. Secondly, so that readers might see something similar to their situation (or not).

I will be sharing things I’ve learned here in Glass Gloves. Hopefully I can help another reader realize this is nothing new. Other people have gone through this, and survived one way or another.

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Did you and your wife freak out at some point because you thought you didn’t have anything in common? I know my wife and I did. This whole concept of freaking out over not having anything in common is explained in greater depth in the “Save the Marriage (244 hits)” ebook that I read in the first phase of trying to save my marriage (984 hits), but I thought it would be helpful to have a story framed around it from when our problems really started to surface.

If you are at a similar stage, then maybe this post will open your eyes to everything you don’t know or thought you knew about marriage

Right before my wife went to see a divorce lawyer the first time (this was about 9 months before she really filed) we were talking one night about the marital struggles we were having.

• Why do we argue all the time?
• Why can’t we get along?
• Why can’t we agree on anything?

Eventually I came to the conclusion that it was because we had nothing in common. The big doofus that I am - I told her that we really had nothing in common.

A few weeks later she told me she went to see a divorce lawyer and wanted a divorce. I talked her out of it somehow the first time, but it did send a rift in our relationship. I was no longer able to say what I was really thinking for fear of upsetting her delicate eggshells. I was truly worried that we had nothing in common and so, the male that I am, I decided to fix the problem.

First we started taking language lessons - specifically Czech. She told me she had no interest in this, but we started going anyway. We learned enough Czech to be dangerous and say a few sentences. It was fun for awhile, but then she later confided that she really didn’t like it. Duh - she told me this from the beginning. I was focusing on things I wanted to do.

Then I tried to get her involved in my gardening. She would help me prepare the garden, tear up the earth, and occasionally plant the seeds - all the while I was getting upset because she really didn’t know the first thing about gardening, plants, etc. and was not quite helping in the manner I had hoped. It felt like she was just participating just to humor me and make some kind of an effort. Of course, we got into an argument over that as well. She later confided that she had no interest in this.

Then we tried hanging out the back porch sipping on a couple of ice cold brews without the kids around, but eventually I got bored with that. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, I just wanted some variety.

We were searching and searching to find something in common and each time our search was fruitless we became more convinced that something was wrong with our marriage.

Now I realize it doesn’t work that way. The really cool part is that, that is part of the beauty of becoming “one”. She has interests, strengths, and weaknesses that complement me and I her. The dynamic makes for a more interesting pair. It is like we fill in each other’s gaps, but previously were not experienced enough or too prideful to see it that way. I’ve always heard about this phenomenon from “happily married” couples, but thought it was hogwash.

Now I know better - our combination of differences is actually a work of art.

We now become engaged in each other’s interests not because it is important to us as an individual, but because it is important to our spouse. Errr - stated another way - I am interested in what she is interested in because it is interesting to her and vice versa. We do try things that would be mutually interesting to both of us just on the surface and have found a couple that work for us. Sometimes you just have to keep looking, but don’t get upset if you never find these types of “common” interests. While it could have some advantages, I don’t think I’d really want to live with another version of me.

Activities and interests aside, you still have a lot in common though you may not realize it. You share the same home, possibly kids, and I imagine that you may even share most of the same spiritual beliefs.

This also brings us to the subject of compromise. I used to think of this as “You get to mess with my life if I get to mess with yours”. Nice attitude, Shohn. Compromise is just a solution to a problem - all males should understand that. There are going to be some things that you as a couple never agree on until possibly years down the marriage and even then only if you are lucky. That doesn’t mean it is the end of the world. Balance is the key.

I know that as a man, I wanted to make a gajillion dollars early on so that my kids wouldn’t have to worry about paying for college, etc. There is a flip side to that though. If I work so hard that my kids turn out to be little devils, then they won’t be going to school anyway, right? I had to find a balance and ultimately I quit worrying so much about trying to “take over the world”. I find that I am more relaxed, work goes smoother, and I’m much happier. Not that I was ever discontent, but it just seems like I’m not worried about stuff all the time now.

If you are in a tough spot with your marriage you may need to awaken on this concept.

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My wife tells me that one of the reasons we made it through this was my persistence. I never gave up. In fact, each setback made me more resolute once I decided to save our marriage.

Once my wife was starting to give up hope (about 6 months prior to filing) she decided to get me into a counselor for US. She was very clever about how she did this - she told me it was for our “family” since we were having some trouble with one of our kiddos at the time.

We were into it about three counseling sessions before I realized we were there for us. I didn’t even know we had “problems”. Shows how clued into my wife’s feelings I was.

Then something happened. She gave up hope right as I was starting to get engaged into saving our marriage. I had lost her. She started going to the counselor by herself to work out her own “issues”.

I found another marriage coach referred by a friend. This coach seemed to have some sort of entrance requirements. I called him four times - persistent about it. I suppose he wanted to know if I was serious about it. Almost like I was being prepared to become a Jedi Knight or something.
Finally - he calls me up and we talk. We arrange to meet and I used every persuasive bone in my body to get my wife to go. She said “It’s not going to change anything”. I told “That’s fine - but I already told him we were both going”. Ironically, not wanting to break a commitment she decided to go.

She cried and I cried - it was beautiful. It was poetry. He accomplished more in one hour than our previous counselor / coach had in months. Guys - you have GOT to find the right coach - if you find one that isn’t working then get another one.

Then he asked her if she would go again next Tuesday if I could be a good boy for 4 days. She agreed, but then conveniently forgot about this agreement over the weekend.

I had to figure out a way to get her back in.

Her tire was low the morning we were scheduled to go. I told her to just ride with me and we would go get some “Fix a Flat” in a can.

Instead of going to get a can of fix a flat - I took her to the marriage coach. At which point he negotiated 30 more days of time for me to shape up. She later told me the only reason she agreed to that was because he was so persistent.
He would state his case - that divorce was wrong and that there was better way, acknowledge how she had been hurt, and then restate his case. I guess he just wore her down till she agreed!

Now you may notice a couple of things. I’m not advocating being deceitful to get your spouse into a marriage coach, but I am advocating being persistent (not persistently annoying) and being creative.
If she won’t go - then you go until she starts to go.

Also ladies - I can tell you that from at least my perspective it will be tough to get your fella into a marriage coach, but you’ve got to be persistent and you’ve got to be creative. To me it felt like we were so far gone that there was no rescuing us if we went to a counselor. It was giving up. Had it been explained to me that it would be cheaper and better and that this has helped a ton of people then I would have been more open to it back when my eyes were still closed to everything wrong that I was doing.

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The difficulty of what I am about to tell you is that you may not be able to understand until you have been there. People sometimes have to make their own mistakes before they realize what they missed out on. Just this once in your life - please don’t make the mistake before you learn.

Please please - if you are having marital problems- get help! Find the BEST counselor or coach that you can. Find the best books - some are on this site, but there are many more out there. Go out to amazon.com and read the reviews of books. You want the ones that say “this book saved my marriage”. Now is not a time to save money.”

To put this into perspective - folks in the Catholic church that have problems want to go to the former “alcoholic priest for help”. They go to this kind of priest because he has been through struggles and will know the pain you are feeling. While I certainly do my best to provide as much of a “brain dump” as I can on this site, there is always room to improve your odds from additional resources.

So find the proverbial alcoholic priest. It will be a counselor or coach with passion and understanding. It will be someone who has lived through this and survived. This is not someone who sits you in a room and asks you how something makes you feel - that is nothing more than a paid friend.

The coach you are looking for will be well known and will not have to advertise. It will be by word of mouth. Ask around in your community or with your friends that are wanting to help you with your marriage - not the friends that are just trying to comfort you and let you rationalize whatever it is you think is the right choice at the time.

I’ve recently heard the following:

There is someone out there for everyone - and my spouse just doesn’t feel like my soul mate. Why should I continue? Yeah it can happen, you could find the “perfect” one, but statistically you are buying a lottery ticket - it is better to play the cards you have been dealt.

When my wife started questioning whether we were meant to be together she even started searching for “How do I find my soul mate?” on google. The answers were revealing - the soul mate tests she took said that we were a good match. She deleted the results because she was in denial at that MOMENT in time. She wanted to rationalize her decision.

That is ridiculous though. Are you going to let some test on google help you rationalize your decisions

Times can change folks - if you get help and educate yourself and eventually your partner.

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Has your wife said one of these to you as well:

• “It is over”
• “I have moved on”
• “We don’t have anything in common”

Whatever man - you can bring her back if you truly truly love her.

So……. when is it over you ask? How do you know if you love her? Well aren’t you out here on the Internet and somehow came to this site looking for an answer to “When is it over?” - doesn’t that tell you enough? Why else would you be doing that? What makes it over if you are still working on it?
So when is it over?

Simple answer - Once she has remarried. I believe that is the ONLY thing that can destroy a marital bond, and even then miracles are still possible.
Long answer - Whenever BOTH of you give up.

Have you given up or is it just her? If you haven’t you two still have all the chance in the world and it is worth it - believe me. It won’t be easy either, but it is worth it.
As long as there is at least one still fighting for the marriage it can be restored and turned into something more beautiful than you could possibly imagine.

I said this phrase to myself several times during the rough part of our marriage. I said it “It is over - the only way out is a divorce”. How little did I realize how wrong I was until later. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy man. It is whatever you say it is - I don’t care what she is doing right now.

My wife even told me “I have moved on - and I suggest you do the same”. Boy, was she wrong - I never gave up on her and we somehow made it through this.

Do yourself a favor. If you truly truly love her - stop saying those things and get away from people who encourage that kind of thinking. You can come back to them later, but for now steer clear. You don’t have to alienate them, but if someone is pushing you towards divorce - just become incredibly boring to them or something until you get through this mess. Time to read up and form a plan eh? You can start here - but either way start doing some homework to figure out how to get her back. Get to it man.

Okay - hopefully that will help someone and brighten the world just a bit.

In my next series, I’ll talk about the true meaning of life and my musings on the effect of the Pelponisian Wars the world today

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My wife was really doing some crazy stuff when we were in the lowest part of our marriage. Thinking back - at some point I became convinced that she was bipolar or had some other disability. I felt sorry for her, but didn’t know how to help her. I viewed it as something that she probably couldn’t even help - it was just inate in her. I viewed it as a disorder. Hmm - what about physical disorders. If my wife got in a car accident and became limbless and unable to have sex would I then say -

“Sorry honey - you know that until death do us part part - well that doesn’t count since you now are missing your limbs. You have breached contract.”
Does not the same apply if your wife starts to lose it? I know mine did - I didn’t figure out until later that she was going crazy because of me mainly, but I still wanted to help her if it was some sort of thing she couldn’t help. I started reaching out to her and kept getting slapped back in the face - figuratively. I started thinking of it like person who was mentally ill at some point. You would help such a person - so why would you not help your wife the same? What if she really is bipolar? Is that your opt out clause?

I started searching Google for marital advice on women with BiPolar disorder. There isn’t a whole lot out there. We even had her put on Wellbutrin. Fortunately for me, my wife was willing to be tested for this kind of thing just in case it was her - that was about 6 months before she filed though.
What is the point to all of this? If you love her man - she may be doing some crazy stuff to you - just trying to hurt you because she is so angry with something - possibly you. Just expect the worst and it won’t be so hard. Once you start cleaning up all the things that you are doing to her or helping sort out her demons only then can she start to recognize how crazy she is acting.

You may even find out that the demons she is sorting out are from you. I’m still not sure on this because her family does have a history of it, and the counselor thought she was too, but hopefully time will help us work through this.

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People change and so can you.

Has she told you this “You’re not the same person I fell in love with” or “I’m no longer the same person”?
Do you know that initial bliss in any new relationship? You know - that stage where you can’t stop thinking about the person you just got involved with? Then at some point it sours - you find out you’re not compatible or whatever. What about the same in marriage though. You married her for a reason and she you. Both of you expressed a lifetime commitment to each other for some reason. What happened? Did you both expect that it would be peaches and cream the whole time? Did reality set in? I’m not saying that it can’t be most of the time, but to get there takes work after the initial bliss has passed.

When was the last time you two did something fun together? Did you get caught up in the business of life? Or is it worse - did she give up? I don’t care if she has - you can bring her back if you try hard enough. I did.

Until you can get past this stage that you both are in - that “love” thing you are searching for will be elusive. It is only a stage. This too shall pass if at least one of you is willing.

If you are on this site, you are most likely at stage 2 of marriage as explained by this save the marriage ebook (244 hits) that I read from another site. Please note - the ebook is good for understanding what you are up against - but you should also supplement it with other resources. Are you at the Fight Fight Fight stage or have you been together so long that you’ve forgotten and become complacent and never made it to stage 3. I can’t speak to the latter because we were at the fight fight fight stage.

What I did learn from people who have been married for much longer that I have been alive is that it is founded on commitment, acceptance, and forgiveness. The raw emotion of love is some kind of reward that your brain gives you for doing those things.

She has lost that emotion, because you have not showed her love in a manner that she can understand (14 hits). Just like many of us guys equate sex with love she will have other things that she needs.

Does she say that she can’t forgive you? That is a crock too. She has only convinced herself of that. I know my wife did, but she eventually forgave me after I started acting right for an extended period.

I had to really forgive her after some of the things she did once I had pushed her too far.

Love is also a decision when it comes to your spouse. Period. You will never be able to meet all of your expectations and you hers until years down in the marriage. Do you think these people that are happily married after 50 years never had a rough period like what you guys are going through? Why don’t you ask around and you may be surprised.

Did you or her get this expectation out of a movie ?

It is like a river man! The marriage relationship will change as you or your wife changes. If you are truly committed to this woman, you must adjust to her changes and only then can she adjust to you.

What is different about her? Do you know? Have her needs changed?

Food for thought.

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One of the key things that you may be able to tell your spouse is just how much a divorce will hurt the both of you. Removing the emotion - it will be a mess for both of you. You can present the information, but remember to let her make her own decisions right now. You can’t make her do anything.
I started searching Google using “prevent divorce”. Most of the stuff that is out there is a bit theoretical with limited practical application. However, I did find a site (254 hits) that seems to be somewhat similar to the objectives of this site.

It also had some interesting facts and shocking stats about the subject.

The site didn’t have the source for the data, but interesting none the less. There were also some interesting articles here (142 hits) as well.

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In a previous post (74 hits), I spoke about making more effective use of your time (115 hits) to help prevent your work from grossly affecting your marriage.
There is another thing to talk about. Timing of message delivery to your wife. Sometimes there may be an issue in the marriage that you guys need to work through. This does not matter whether it is the “she’s about to leave” stage or “she’s back in the same bed” stage.

I know that I used to get a bug up my sleeve and would want to talk about something important with our marriage. The only problem is that it would be at 4 AM as she was sleeping. Do you find yourself trying to talk about sensitive issues at 4AM? It is probably a good idea to better time the delivery of any issues to discuss.

In addition, this same concept goes for your nocturnal activities if they have resumed. She can not be open to such activities unless the timing is right. You must learn when she is open to such activities and what times are blocked off.
Let’s talk about about timing and personality types. Some folks are worried about being on time, schedules, etc and others could care less. I fall into the latter category, but have been trained by my work to pretend to be in the first category.

An overly defined schedule makes me feel crowded. I don’t know how else to describe it.

However, missing something as scheduled makes my wife feel anxious. We have now learned this about each other and have figured out how to better communicate the timing of events.

Here is what I did.

I setup a calendar on Google calendars that syncs to my work calendar. She can schedule personal events on my work calendar and since my day is often driven by my work calendar - I can see what is coming up in our personal life and have time to react. My wife now calls me up and reminds me about an hour before any personal events (e.g., kids recitals, school plays, etc.) as well.
We are also working on a shared “todo” list on another website. This gives us projects and dreams that we can work towards together.
I’ll put links to how this can be done shortly, I just wanted to make sure the information was available.

One last thing. As far as restoring your marriage, you must remember that you will be on God’s time. You can’t expect this to happen overnight. Remember, God has probably set this up so that you can learn an important virtue - Patience.

Time to move on from this post. I suppose I need to write about personality types next.

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She said to me:

• I love you, but I’m not in love with you!
• You are only good for a paycheck.
• You disgust me.
• The list goes on….

Ouch. Those words were said to me by my wife as she was preparing to leave me. Multiple times in fact. Don’t worry about it my friend - she is trying to tell you something. It is actually a shred of hope, a twinkle of light if you can learn this time and you must learn.

Have you asked her how long she has been in this state? Have you asked her what it is that YOU have done to push her this far? If you do - you may find out just how long you have been ignoring her plees. Are you ready to stop ignoring her finally?

My prayers are with you in your journey of transformation. It’s going to be a wild ride, but you will look back on this one day and realize that there was a purpose to all of this mess you are in now. Believe me. It happened to me.

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