Okay folks - you may have been wondering why in the world I haven’t been writing as much. Well - I’ve started a new job and have been as busy as a one armed wallpaper hanger with the crabs. That said several several several people have been emailing behind the scenes and I’ve done my best to address their concerns; however, I really hope this forum thing starts to take off. We need to get the truth about saving marriages out there. It is tough work going through this experience. Many have said that it is worse than going through a death experience because with death there is at least closure. Think about looking back on this when you are a withered up old man and will you wonder what would have happened had you zigged instead of zagged with your marriage and your family. I couldn’t bear that thought so I pretty much risked the farm for my wife, but people also tell me I’m crazy so go figure. Anyway - my wife has asked that I stop devoting as much attention to saving the world - other people’s marriages, etc. and focus more on our family. That means I’ve been back sliding a bit - thus the lack of posts. Plus my brain has been pretty much emptied of almost everything I think I learned. So I’m trying to get people to post to the forum so I can focus more on my family, but there is a problem. People are afraid of it. Perhaps Iit has been oversold or built up too much like a bad joke or an Internet scam. Well that’s not going to stop my persistence.
I thought I would post a message (below - italics) that I wrote to someone not too long ago. I thought I would post this because people need to know that I’m but one man and my wife wants me to spend more time with the family. We need to distribute the marriage saving effort otherwise I may wind up right back where I started - signing divorce papers. As spiritual as the experience was - I can’t say that I want to relive that. So I decided to put some more fodder towards the forum in the hopes that posting a message may jump start it. Then it will become self-sustaining I hope.
I took out the poor soul’s name to protect his privacy, but another reason I posted it is that invariably what I’m finding is people ask the exact same questions about their marriage when it is under duress.
Is there any hope? Can it be saved? How long do I wait? I can’t take this anymore .. and on and on and on.
The answer is simple. You wait as long as you have to. You are being taught valuable lessons in patience and it won’t get easy until you have learned your lesson. No amount of words I write will get this into your thick skull for mine was just as thick as yours and sometimes still is. You need to feel that weight lift from your shoulders to put this marriage back together. You know that feeling don’t you? A weight being released from your shoulders. The truth shall set you free. Ya dig? Do you feel me?
I never said this stuff was easy - it nearly broke me in two. I was incapable of functioning - eating sleeping working hobbies or doing anything for that matter. I cried - got angry - cried - got angrier. Why is she doing this… I’m a good man … I provide for my family - I take her out to dinner - I buy her flowers I do this and I do that I know I’m not perfect, but neither is she. She does this and that. She never does this or always does that - but I loved her anyway - why? God why? That little devil and angel that sits on all of our shoulders were battling on my shoulders and the devil was beating the tar out of the angel. I was thinking angrily and would say or do something I shouldn’t have and then after I managed to push my wife even further away I would look at the angel and say where were you on that one dipsh*t. The enemy was having his way with my family. I focused my anger no longer on her, but instead on the enemy who was wrecking my family.
Then something happened to me. While I was away from my wife (the kids were with me) one of my kids cried out for mama. It struck a chord deep down inside me and told me that all of this was wrong. Something was amiss. We were spiralling out of control and if one of us didn’t step up - a whole family was going to be destroyed. My God My God I get it now. There is a greater purpose here. You, God, are not some cosmic gumball machine or ATM machine that if I put enough quarters or enter the right pin number are going to suddenly answer my prayer. You simply want me to trust you, but it is so hard.
I called upon the most powerful force in the universe for assistance and basically said okay, God, I’m going to try this out. I’m going to actually let go and let you take care of this. It went against every bone in my body to “let go” - it was like someone trying to talk me into going bungie jumping and somehow me agreeing to it the skeptic that I am. There is no way I’d let someone tie a rubber cord around my leg and jump off a platform. What if the rope breaks - what if they didn’t test it adequately - what if the rope suffers fatigue failure right as I sign up to jump off that cliff. What if What if What if….. stop. Trust me, relax, and I’ll take care of this.
Well I did it. I jumped off the proverbial cliff. During the near divorce experience, logic would have dictated that I protect my own interests and try to wrestle the kids away from her since she was “crazy” at the time, but instead a little voice told me - yeah you may wind up losing all your possessions - but they can be replaced -afterall all a man really needs to be happy is a shack, a couple of beers, and a can of ranch style beans, but if you don’t risk it what will you have to live with the rest of your life and indeed into eternity if you make it. You sold your family out for land, some extra money, and greater “parental rights”. You should have instead done EVERYTHING you could have to have saved your family and your marriage.
What kind of man sells his family out. Not a nourishing thought for the rest of my earthly life. Everyone told me to protect MY interests - that she was the guilty party here - that she didn’t deserve me - when ironically it was reverse. That’s how you’ve got to look at it man - a change in your perspective. You love her and you will keep on trying to win her back no matter what happens - no stalking though, cause that isn’t love - that’s the opposite of love - jealousy.
Ultimately I was willing to lose even my precious job , if that’s what it took. Crazy crazy, but hey it worked out somehow.
To give you some background on the message, the person asked me if it the situation was hopeless, the wife was having an affair and he secured a counselor. He said he was slowly realizing that it was over. Yeah I said that it was over in my mind about a thousand times. It cycled in and out - and I found other people do the same thing. The only difference is the point at which we give up hope - there’s a point here and as usual I’ll try to tie it to the scriptures.
That is what the major theme to the scriptures is. Yahweh loved his people - they were to be an example of how to do things right for the whole world. Then they started whoring around. Hello Ba’al. He forgave them. Hello Ba’al. He forgave them again and again and again. Then Yahweh had had enough. He issued a divorce decree. Yahweh issued his decree but he said he will come back for his family in two days. Yahweh never gave up hope - that is the theme. He is coming back for his family. Forests are sprouting in Israel - the land is becoming fertile - the leaves on the fig tree are budding - they are winning wars they should have lost. It took him a couple of thousand years to bring them back, but hey a thousand years is like a day to him. He issued his divorce decree because they went whoring around, but even still he is bringing them back. What a beautiful most poetic story. The whole thing is about relationship… everything in it is relationship. That is why we are here - it is so simple - I just don’t get why people are so angry with him. People seem to be either hot or cold on this subject. They either hate him or love him - well except for our modern day Laodiceans. Anyway your marriage is metaphor for Yahweh’s relationship with his chosen people. Your wife is out being all crazy, distant, “just friends”, but patience and forgiveness like Yahweh is with us will bring her back. Oh how you must yearn for lost bride.
Love is a decision and boy is it hard sometimes - well I guess you could always trade her in for a newer more sportier model. That is the modern way to happiness right? And of course - we are put here to “be happy”. Geez where do people get that idea. Happiness is a bonus - a feeling - your brain rewards you when you do the right thing. Ever given something to someone without expecting in return and then you get the feeling like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. That feeling is there by design. Oh yes - some scientists will tell us that it is there because we are social creatures and it is an evolved response to protecting the species thus allowing our species to better perpetuate itself. If you don’t know this feeling - go get a $50 bill and give it to a homeless person that doesn’t look like he’ll spend it all on beer. What a wonderful feeling.
Yahweh still waits on you friend, but is ready when you are. TRUST. Know His name. I suppose if someone called me Timmy about a thousand times eventually I’d get the idea that they were talking to me, but it hurts my feelings when someone doesn’t know my name that should. Do you know that feeling - someone blatantly can’t remember your name. You weren’t important enough for them to remember your name. I think there is a reason we have that feeling - it is because we are made in his image and he gets that same feeling when people call him by something other than his name or even worse don’t know his name.
All of this ties into your marriage. There are dynamics at work here that you need to understand and they are all analogies for our relationship with our creator. It is all documented in the best story ever told and you can get the story for free in hotels - in called out assemblies (church), and on the last great forum for spreading the Good News - the Internet. Souls are being mislead - get in the fight or get out of the way. That is why you are here.
Without further build up - here is a response to someone under duresss that I thought would have some value to the rest of you. The author’s name is secure and anonymous - rest assured I’m not going to violate anyone’s privacy here folks.
Believe it or not man you have the ability to shape the results - the more you learn the better off you will be. The forum is free and it will at least help you get your thoughts out - I found it somewhat therpeutic, but your mileage may vary. Be sure to clear your browser cache if ya’ll share the same computer still.
Whether your marriage survives or not is more or less a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is what you say it is. If you say it is over then there is not much I can do for you. If she says it is over - well that doesn’t even matter believe it or not. What matters the most is changing yourself. I suggest immediately taking some time off to deal with this - if she complains let her know that it is to spend time with the children. Get some credit cards lined up if you are financially strapped, call up the bill people and figure out how to delay some payments to boost your cashflow just in case you get fired or whatever, line up a backup job just in case, and then take some time off, and figure out something to get her away from the OM - it will need to be something she CAN’T resist - that means you may need to have her do something alone. If you have to - send her to France.
Next - You’ve been working hard for how long? You’re about to lose your family dude - so why exactly were you working so hard?
I haven’t lived in Houston for about three years so I’m fresh out of counsellors there, but what I can tell you is that in every community there is going to be someone who is a natural at this sort of thing. You need to find “that person”. I would start by calling EVERY local called out assembly and asking for “that person”. Secular counselors have their hands tied too much for me and so do many pastors. You need to find that person that seems to have one of those “connections” with God that only 1 in 1000 of us have. They are rare, but they’re out there. You want to find people that “almost” got a divorce and made it or that had an affair and still survived it. What did they do right? Take every other “expert” opinion and throw it away if they haven’t actually done this.
Then once you find them - be persistent about getting on their calendar because they will be booked if they are any good. A 3rd party who knows what they are doing can work more magic in a couple of hours than you could by yourself over two years. This person needs to believe that marriage is “death do us part”. If you don’t believe this as well –… well why did you agree to marry her then?
You need to get you one who is willing to go to battle, but understands how to not push too hard and is willing to “train” you. You will need training and education. Also, if you want this to work - you can’t half-ass it - that means you’ll have to trust the man upstairs completely and be willing to risk everything. If you aren’t up to this challenge it could take several years to patch this thing back up because you’ll be trying to do it by yourself and humans suck at patching up poor relationships.
The point of posting your story to the forum is to get your stuff out there to get more “positive” advice to keep you from making mistakes - and to get some more viewpoints and other experiences in there okay. You have to PLAN how to recover this thing and if you are doing this blindly without education you may very well mess it up. Ever heard the expression slow down and you’ll get there sooner? Take the time on the front end to plan and solicit info. Yeah I’m pushing pretty hard on the forum, and I won’t lie — I’d like to see more people tell their stories, but I honestly believe you will get more value if you have opinions from folks who have been there and the site seems to attract those kinds of people - if your counsellor tells you to back off - I’d ask him or her how many times was that successful - what makes that successful. If he/she has the numbers and credibiltiy to back it up then I’d go with what they say, but if not - it is better sometimes to learn from people who have lived this and survived rather than someone speaking based on external experiences. There are some magical things to restoring a marriage that are often counterintuitive.
Anyway - either way I’m willing to help where I can even if you need to talk to someone. I’ve been there man - had my heart broken and can tell you that it is much better on the other side. The pain that we went through seems to have actually strenghthened our marriage because in a way we were in a war together.
Now I know most of what I have said probably sounds a tad bit fruity, but unfortunately it is reality. She is preparing to file. You have give or take about 90 days to make some serious changes within yourself by calling on Yahweh. For now, you must realize that YOU pushed her to this and it is now YOUR job to fix it and you don’t need her help to fix it I don’t care what anyone says. What I would do, if I were you though, is to figure out how to get this other fella out of the way - expose him for what he is. An adulterer who is messing with your family. Your wife will not like this, but you need to get a way to get him to never talk to her or call her again (without threatining physical violence). This is your family man. Your children do not need to be exposed to that and I don’t care what the state says - divorce messes up kids for a long time. FYI - this piece of advice goes contrary to just about what every counselor says so your mileage may vary.
The keys to her heart are your kids, selfless / sacraficial love, and trust. If you start getting all paranoid - just do a worst case analysis of where you will land. What is the worst that could happen - then prepare your mind for that and work backwards from it. Right now you sitll have plenty of time left.
THINK and form a plan and for heaven’s sake get your story out there so more people can help - you will need it and Yahweh’s help.
I guess by now you are either going to follow my advice or you have confirmed in your mind that I’m crazy, but I’ll still pray for you either way man 
Now my words usually come off pretty harsh, but they are real. I’m not here to make you feel better okay - I’m just telling you what you will need to do if you have any interest in saving your marriage or if you really love your wife and family.
Keep yer chin up man - it’s going to get A LOT worse before it gets any better.
Okay people - look alive - start posting to the forum - my fingers are getting tired from all the behind the scenes typing and I don’t want to lose my wife for the third time. Words are more powerful than the sword.
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