Glass Gloves

The save the marriage / prevent the divorce books invariably suggest one strategy consistently across almost every book. Don’t push too hard.

What does that mean though? Don’t push.

I think it is something like this. There are things that your now estranged and if you are lucky, angry partner, would not want you to do even though logic might dictate they should. Guess what - if you came up with the idea - by definition it is a bad idea!

Emotions are a very powerful force for controlling decisions like it or now. I remember at one point I was presenting all the data that I could to my wife that saving the marriage was the most logical choice. Yeah - she didn’t buy it. She was tired and didn’t care as long as she was away from me - at all costs.

Can you think of a moment where you may have been like this in your life? Perhaps a moment that you had become so distraught that you no longer cared about the outcome? That no additional effort would result in anything positive. I remember feeling like this after staying up for several days while in college working on finishing projects. After staying up for 3 days in a row, the value of sleep started looking awfully appealing even if I failed a course. Perhaps compare this to ol’ Esau trading his birth right and father’s blessing for a nice meal from Jacob. If your spouse has run out of fight - then it is up to you to save this marriage. Call me old fashioned or just crazy, but I truly believe marriage is until death to us part and is the most important human relationship on this planet and worth every inch of fight that you have even if your spouse is tired. How do you give your spouse more energy - without pushing?

I couldn’t ask my wife to remove the emotion from her decisions - only a 3rd party was able to do that for me - the only thing I could do was work towards giving her more energy and helping her no longer be tired. A vacation certainly helped with that, activities, happy memories, etc.
So what is pushing? Simple - would your “wanting to leave” spouse want what you are about to suggest? Does it interest them or are you merely suggesting something in the hope that they will respond with love for your sake? Ask yourself first.

• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go on a vacation by yourself? Yes!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to marriage counseling with me? No!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the bookstore and get some books? Yes - I’ve always wanted to read Hemmingway.
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the bookstore and get some marriage saving books? NO!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to have dinner “just as friends”. I guess
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go on a date with me? NO!
  My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the park with me to watch the kids play. Yes!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the park to talk about our marriage while the kids play? NO!

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One way or another you figured out (at least) one of the things that has caused your spouse to leave you and ask for a divorce. Whatever it is, from not taking enough showers to fooling around outside your marriage, it is up to you to change. This article is not about whatever the issue is, it is about the change you need to make.

You think changing something in yourself is going to be easy? “Yes honey, I promise I’ll be good from now on” isn’t worth the powder to blow it up. You have been doing this for long enough to cause your spouse to give up and move out. And you may not have even been conscious of your habit! That is the situation I have been in. Yes, some issues might have been a real choice on your part, but the results now are that your marriage is in mortal danger of dissolving. How to make that right?

“Yes, but it’s my wife who has a screw loose!” Earth to Reader! Change is not easy, but it’s easier to work a real change in you than it is to cause someone else to change. You want your marriage back together? Seek real professional help. But keep in mind, you do your work, and your spouse needs to do theirs. Don’t cross over!

I have figured out the secret to working out a real change in yourself takes three steps,

1. Find the thing in you that does need change.

2. Learn the new direction you need to go.

3. Find a reward for yourself – see the advantage in the “new” you.

Look at Yourself

Jesus made a point that people easily find fault in others, and ignore the problem in themselves. That’s what he was talking about when he said “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:1 (8 hits))

Your spouse has told you (probably more than once) what’s bugging her. Brother, you need to work on yourself to find the root cause. For almost a year, my wife had accused me of being controlling. I didn’t believe her. After she left, I had extra time for examining myself and more time for prayer. I came to the conclusion she was right, after all!

Make a Plan

Once you’ve seen the log in your own eye, it’s time to get to work. Picture yourself without this problem. How do you think? How do you act? What do you need to do? If you came to GlassGloves.com looking for a way to save your marriage, you know what this change might cost you. It will be worth it!

The first step is an APOLOGY. Your spouse has been through enough pain – enough to believe it’s better living without you. This will be your turning point. Be “bottom of your heart” sincere. Listen to and accept any criticism. Be open and truthful, even if your wife has that “I’ve heard this before” look on her face.

Change Direction

Next, to help both you and your spouse understand what’s going on, BE ACCOUNTABLE. Ask your wife to help you by reminding you when the old you surfaces. This will happen, and hopefully you might catch yourself before she does! Use a code word or signal (“That’s silly”, or “lay off”). Being accountable to another will go a long way in keeping you on track, and your accountability person will be actively watching for the good changes.

Reward Yourself

Change for change’s sake is worthless. You need a reward for yourself, and I don’t mean “I’ll get my marriage back together”. Realize how this change will reward you personally. When I recognized my tendency to control others and worked to stop that, I found a reward: I didn’t have to worry about other people’s lives! I could just live my own! Seriously – do not think getting approval from others is any reward. You need to find value for yourself in your new change. Running up the applause meter might feel good, but that won’t make for a life changing experience.

If your wife does say you stink, then be conscious simply of the fresh feeling you get when you get out of the shower (yes, and your wife’s reaction when she knows you are clean). If you have been involved with someone else (this is a symptom of issues too deep to talk about here) remember, if nothing else, you don’t need to live two lives any more – you need only focus on the real love of your life. If you spend too much time with your work – if that’s what you “live” for, take a look at the rest of the world, and learn there’s real enjoyment in sharing what God has given us all.

Yes these are simplistic solutions, but you need to do the real work in yourself and for your marriage. Seek God’s wisdom:

1 Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word.

2 Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good; God probes for what is good.

3 Put God in charge of your work, then what you’ve planned will take place.

Proverbs 16:1-3 (8 hits) (The Message)

[Note: I wrote this before I read Shohn’s latest entry, “Talking About Problems Doesn’t Help”. But he uses some of these techniques!]

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Here is another fun story about how to encourage your wife to divorce you.
We had a nice little front porch argument after which my wife was convinced for the 2nd time (of three total) that we needed a divorce.

Somehow her mother managed to talk her into meeting me at McDonald’s so that we could discuss our differences in a civil tone. Somehow being in public makes everyone behave themselves.

My wife had “shut me out”  after I had somehow managed to convince her to come back this time. She told me she was giving me one more chance, but if I couldn’t learn to control my temper it would be over. I asked her to warn me if I started to escalate the ol’ temper to which she agreed.
After she was back home, she didn’t want to “talk about it”. Unfortunately, at that time I didn’t understand the rule that talking about problems just makes things worse. Naturally, the antagonist that I am, I proceed to poke and prod at her to get her to talk about the problems. At that time, I still perceived half of the problems to be me and half her, but I wasn’t smart enough to realize that it doesn’t matter whose fault they are. Assigning blame doesn’t help.  It’s not a trial of law, though it is a trial in your life.

She had agreed to allow me to sleep in the same bed so long as I stayed on my side. The idiot that I was, I couldn’t just keep my mouth shut. I started trying to get her to read books about saving marriages. I showed her the passages about what she was doing wrong and what I was doing wrong. Oops. Good job, Shohn.

That just pushed her away.  Eventually, I managed to anger so much that she went to sleep on the couch. This was in the dead of Texas summer and we weren’t running the AC so it was hot. The room with the couch did not have a ceiling fan. She would rather sleep on the couch in that hot room than on a nice soft bed with a ceiling fan. I went and confronted her some more to read the books so we could save this marriage - she shut down and quit talking. This drives my personality type insane. I said some things I shouldn’t have then she just looked at me with some facial expressions that say “I hate you” and said “You are just signing the papers right now”. Finally, I calmed down and went back to our bed and let her sleep on the couch.

In retrospect, I should have offered her the bed. Now guys, there is something you need to know about here. Have you ever looked at your woman and had her give you one of those looks that says “I hate you”. Leave her be, buddy.

What have you learned from this - if you’re marriage is on rocky ground - talking about the problems doesn’t help. Wait till it is stable or you have finally reached stage 3 of the marriage.

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Much of this post is an excerpt or verbatim from another forum that I frequent, but I thought it would be useful to someone in a similar situation.

Let me frame this, let’s just say that your wife has turned to someone outside of the marriage for emotional support. Number one no-no in a marriage right?

You may wonder how to get your wife to stop doing that. You may ask and if your wife is somewhat honorable then she could agree, but in many ways it is like an addiction that may require you to intervene. Let me warn you - this is dangerous stuff - most of the “prevent divorce” tactics advise against what I did - so you better know what you are doing or have awesome good luck. I share it only because it may help someone  who could be in this situation.
Biblically and as a Christian, when confronted with evil we are to turn the other cheek right? indeed, but I believe that normally would only apply to physical threats to one’s person or verbal assaults and probably doesn’t apply to one’s loved ones. I personally think that  protecting one’s family requires that Christian compassion, but the form of compassion required doesn’t mean you need to sit on your hands either. To do nothing could be just as bad as not turning the other cheek. What a moral dilemma when your marriage is on the line. I decided my marriage was more important than me sitting on idle hands.
Now then, this is how I got my wife to stop seeking support outside of the marriage.

Let me give you some background, and again please be very careful with this - I just lucked out on this - it might totally backfire in your case, but it should at least give you some ideas or confirm your suspicion that I am crazy.

After she “snapped” and lost hope in our marriage ever working, my wife was running around telling everyone how crazy I was. She started to act pretty much nuts, psycho, whatever you want to call it for awhile. She told folks that I almost daily beat her, the children, the dog, the cat, the goldfish, her tennis shoes you name it - anything to get some attention from anyone who would listen and someone did start to listen. My fault for working so much I suppose and generally being a bad husband, but either way she started making up stories about me. Crazy times those were.

Naturally, the other person understood me to be either stark raving mad or a crazy daddy bear protecting his cubs at any cost and this was conveniently emphasized by all the stories my wife had told everyone. Somehow saying everything as calmly as I did convinced the other person that I was either absolutely nuts or part of me suspects that they may have actually seen me as a real person with real feelings for my family and not the lunatic my wife described. Anyway - the interference phone calls from her to the other person stopped after that because that person refused to answer her calls.

My goal was to deflate the fantasy created outside of the marriage. Once the little alternate reality was deflated - things started moving along much quicker within our marriage recovery efforts.

Please be careful with this story - again it could totally backfire, my only hope was to give you some lessons from either my big mistake as I’m sure some will say or OUR success.

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I watched the movie “History of Violence” the other night. Warning spoiler is coming. Skip this post if you haven’t seen the movie.

The main hero in this movie seems to have had a bit of a checkered mafia past which he did a fairly good job of concealing from his wife. Evidently, he spent three years in a desert ridding himself of his past and becoming a new person. Curiously enough - the transformation that occurred in the hero of this show, may be considered somewhat analogous to acceptance of the Man upstairs as your Saviour. At some point our hero intervenes in the antics of some robbers / murderers and becomes the unwitting hero of his small town and the focus of national television. His old gangster pals see him on TV and come to pay him a visit. He is living with both a different name and different mentality from his desert transformation, but his old mafia buddies continue to harass him and his family.

Eventually his wife begins to suspect that something is amiss - something is not quite right. She finds out enough of the truth to really send a rift between the two of them. Turns out this guy was a bit of a gangster / ex-mafia hit man or something. By then end of the movie though, I got the feeling that she stood by him. She may not have been too happy about him not telling her sooner, but I sensed that he was able to turn their family back in the right direction.

Secrets are a such an awful thing in a marriage aren’t they? As I’ve said before, I’ve more or less always felt that a couple should never have secrets that are kept from one another. Are there circumstances though, that would merit that your sweetheart not knowing about certain things from your past (e.g., you used to be a mafia boss)? It seems that in the case of the lead character from this movie, choosing not to share his past with his wife may have actually been the only moral and ethical thing to do if the cost of sharing was wrecking his entire family - affecting multiple innocent lives only to assuage his own guilty conscience. It is one heck of a moral dilemma no?

How should we react if our spouse reveals something to us from their past that they have protected us from all these years? Should we not rejoice that our spouse is no longer burdened by carrying such a secret? Should we not be glad that our spouse has taken the courage to share it with us so that the healing may begin? Should we not be happy that our spouse waited long enough for the past transgression to be a distant memory?

It is a tough question, but none the less one that may be asked during the downward spiral of divorce. All of a sudden it seems that all of the bitter truths are laid out on the table. Why is it that it takes a traumatic event like a divorce or break in a relationship for the delivery of such truths? I’m not entirely sure, but I suspect it is probably close to the same reason that some families are only nice to one another at funerals. The difference though it what you choose to do with this former secret. One approach is to make a big fuss and say to your spouse “You lied to me all these years” - another is to rejoice - though the truth may sting a bit - you are glad that your spouse no longer carries that burden because you love them.

Now that said, if you’ve got some dark secrets and you’re in the middle of trying to save your marriage from impending divorce it may not be the best of times to reveal such information. My guess is that you have a higher moral obligation to save your marriage than to reveal something just for the sake of your own guilty conscience. Especially since you know that the revelation of such information to your spouse will just give them more ammunition to leave - unless you both have agreed to get it all out on the table to proceed in the right direction towards saving the marriage.

I know my wife and I tried the “get it all out on the table” tactic and it didn’t work very well for us. We only succeeded in hurting one another. I think the key for us was where we were at with our impending divorce. The release of such information should have waited until after we were back on track.

We were only able to talk about hidden truths after the marriage was headed back in the right direction.

What is the moral to the story? Don’t lie if asked, but be careful to not add extra fuel to the fire of downward spiral just to relieve your own conscience. I personally think it is better to start with the buried problems once the direction is headed back in the right direction and both of you, in the words of Jack Nicholson (A Few Good Men), can handle the truth!

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Ever heard the story of Othello? I was required to watch a movie made from this story during English class at one point. Some guy named Shakespeare wrote a play about this guy who is considered a bit of a “noble savage”. A noble savage might be similar to a Tarzan who has gone through etiquette school, is wearing a suit, is honorable, but still displays a bit of his animal side. Othello is in love with his woman, but various 3rd parties plot and scheme to turn him against his lady. They feed him false information and lies that his wife is sleeping around on him. I remember from the movie version of this story that at one point, Othello’s wife was attempting to sooth him - the “noble savage”, but he wasn’t listening. He eventually became so convinced she was running around that he smothered her to death.

I considered this analogous to some of the struggles that my wife must have gone through with me. Many times I would “assume” that her intentions were malevolent and blow things out of proportion. Sometimes we would be in a heated debate and she would just stop everything and give me a little kiss. I can remember that little peck calming every nerve in my body and making whatever we were arguing about pointless in my mind. Sometimes she would simply say “I’m sorry” and it would have the same effect.

Somewhat related - I’ve got a “blood pressure” testing machine in our home. It cost about $60 - so nothing real fancy, but it lets me test my blood pressure. One thing fun to try - put on a movie like Rambo or another action flick and test your blood pressure before, during, and after. Try the same thing for some classical music. Interesting.

I remember being in the counselor’s office at one point and one of the counselors decided to turn on some music. I was anxious as crazy before she turned on the music. I found myself relaxing and a peace coming over me.

Where am I going with this? A couple of observations I’ve made from our situations and that of others. There are things that can sooth people and to avoid arguing over nothing. Perhaps you need to figure out what works for your spouse if things start to get heated.

• It takes one to defuse a hostile situation.
• Don’t believe everything you hear from 3rd parties about your spouse - though you should still expect the worst until she returns to her normal self.
• It takes one to get a marriage moving back in the right direction.
• Yes - music can sooth the savage beast or even your “noble savage”.

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Okay fellas - this is one more tactic that could be used for “marriage maintenance mode” and if she is still living under the same roof as you, but trying to leave you. Don’t forget the rule about positive things being perceived negatively and that different people need different kinds (216 hits) of gifts. I don’t know any woman that would turn this one down though. Ladies feel free to comment if I’m wrong.

Recipe:

1 bottle of bubble bath / bath salts

1 bath tub

5 or 6 candles with solid bases (to avoid tipping over).

Add bubble bath or bath salts to running water shortly before your sweetheart arrives home, retires for the evening, etc. You have to be aware of how her schedule works - don’t try to force her schedule because that would be “insensitive”. Light the candles and turn out or dim the lights. Send her in there by herself to relax for about an hour. I’ve done this one about three times and it never turned out poorly - your mileage may vary. For a double bonus - if your wife stays home like mine and is coming in from errands or something - prepare dinner for once or bring it in before she arrives home.

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My wife tells me that one of the reasons we made it through this was my persistence. I never gave up. In fact, each setback made me more resolute once I decided to save our marriage.

Once my wife was starting to give up hope (about 6 months prior to filing) she decided to get me into a counselor for US. She was very clever about how she did this - she told me it was for our “family” since we were having some trouble with one of our kiddos at the time.

We were into it about three counseling sessions before I realized we were there for us. I didn’t even know we had “problems”. Shows how clued into my wife’s feelings I was.

Then something happened. She gave up hope right as I was starting to get engaged into saving our marriage. I had lost her. She started going to the counselor by herself to work out her own “issues”.

I found another marriage coach referred by a friend. This coach seemed to have some sort of entrance requirements. I called him four times - persistent about it. I suppose he wanted to know if I was serious about it. Almost like I was being prepared to become a Jedi Knight or something.
Finally - he calls me up and we talk. We arrange to meet and I used every persuasive bone in my body to get my wife to go. She said “It’s not going to change anything”. I told “That’s fine - but I already told him we were both going”. Ironically, not wanting to break a commitment she decided to go.

She cried and I cried - it was beautiful. It was poetry. He accomplished more in one hour than our previous counselor / coach had in months. Guys - you have GOT to find the right coach - if you find one that isn’t working then get another one.

Then he asked her if she would go again next Tuesday if I could be a good boy for 4 days. She agreed, but then conveniently forgot about this agreement over the weekend.

I had to figure out a way to get her back in.

Her tire was low the morning we were scheduled to go. I told her to just ride with me and we would go get some “Fix a Flat” in a can.

Instead of going to get a can of fix a flat - I took her to the marriage coach. At which point he negotiated 30 more days of time for me to shape up. She later told me the only reason she agreed to that was because he was so persistent.
He would state his case - that divorce was wrong and that there was better way, acknowledge how she had been hurt, and then restate his case. I guess he just wore her down till she agreed!

Now you may notice a couple of things. I’m not advocating being deceitful to get your spouse into a marriage coach, but I am advocating being persistent (not persistently annoying) and being creative.
If she won’t go - then you go until she starts to go.

Also ladies - I can tell you that from at least my perspective it will be tough to get your fella into a marriage coach, but you’ve got to be persistent and you’ve got to be creative. To me it felt like we were so far gone that there was no rescuing us if we went to a counselor. It was giving up. Had it been explained to me that it would be cheaper and better and that this has helped a ton of people then I would have been more open to it back when my eyes were still closed to everything wrong that I was doing.

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My wife and I have never really fought big-time over money - we’ve been fortunate in that regard; however, it has certainly been a part of several heated debates that went nowhere.

My wife likes to manage our money the old fashioned way - she uses a check book and one of those check register thingies that I know how to use, but have never been disciplined enough to mess with. I always just have a rough idea of how much money is in our account - I don’t need it down to the last cent to understand whether or not a check is going to clear. I just do a quick review of the statement to look for anything that looks funny - “Hey why is there a check to a lawyer in here?”.

We still have disagreements on how we should spend the money at times, but I did learn a little secret about women, trust, and money.

She wanted a new van. One of those new fangled Fords with fold up seats and what not. I did the math before hand and knew that economically - it wasn’t a viable option for us. Even with the improved fuel economy it wouldn’t make sense. Even if fuel were $5 a gallon - it wouldn’t make sense. We were still “upside down” on the note with our existent van.

Instead of telling her this though (or defeating her little dream) - I trusted her to make the right decision. We went down to the dealership and she talked to the saleman, went on a test drive, and fell in love with a new van - until she saw the price tag after they calculated the payments.

Wow - I trusted her to make the right decision and she did. Weird. That doesn’t mean she will always get it my way, but at what cost is having it “my way”. The little trip to the dealership cost us about $20 in fuel, but paid back huge dividends in demonstrating that I trusted her.

Now - it doesn’t always work out that easily for some couples right? My grandfather has maintained that one should always look out after one’s own money even while married. He and my grandmother have had separate checking accounts for well over 50 years. They have been married for well over 50 years. The beauty of this arrangement is that it helps that spouse who just can’t control themselves with the “our” money concept. By having to manage their own money - it becomes more real and allows them the freedom that they may be looking for. This is just one solution - there may be others.
My wife and I do this partially, but only so that we won’t know what the other bought for Christmas We still use one main account to pay bills.

• Guys - women like to “eyeball” stuff sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they want to buy it. Sometimes they are just dreaming a bit. There may be guys like that too, but I’ve only met one.
• Ladies - just remember when you say that you want something - it triggers an almost immediate problem solving mode in us guys - at least it does for me! Once we realize the problem can’t be solved - we may just get upset unless we are in the know about the previous rule.

and We now try to make financial decisions “our way”, it is sometimes a challenge - but well worth it. She now trusts me to perform the pure Return On Investment (ROI) analysis, and I trust her on the “family benefit” things not always captured by ROI!

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One of the key things that you may be able to tell your spouse is just how much a divorce will hurt the both of you. Removing the emotion - it will be a mess for both of you. You can present the information, but remember to let her make her own decisions right now. You can’t make her do anything.
I started searching Google using “prevent divorce”. Most of the stuff that is out there is a bit theoretical with limited practical application. However, I did find a site (254 hits) that seems to be somewhat similar to the objectives of this site.

It also had some interesting facts and shocking stats about the subject.

The site didn’t have the source for the data, but interesting none the less. There were also some interesting articles here (142 hits) as well.

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