Glass Gloves

There is a podcast of the first guy that I met in the marriage restoration operation last year. Took Him about a full year, but  they have a beautiful testimony. The pod cast was from about the mid February 2008 time frame - you may have to search for it a bit.

http://www.gcomchurch.com/podcast

Praise Jesus!

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I received permission from another gentleman to post the following email. I thought it might cheer up a few folks.

Hi Shohn,
Man! It’s been a long time since I’ve talked with you about the troubles that were taking place between my wife and I.
I just wanted to touch base with you and say thank you for your site!!
A few months back I emailed you a few times about my wife and I. She was telling me the proverbial ” I love you but I’m not in love with you ”
I even started a thread on your site about how she wanted to leave and go with her friends to Cancun just to get away and how nervous I was about it. I just wanted to say that through the work of God and all his glory that she once again is totally comitted to our marriage! I can’t begin to tell you how good it feels to look in her eyes and see the love that she has for me once again. We came whithin a thread of ending our marriage, but through the grace of god we were able to recover it all!
Thanks for all you prayers and help!!

(Removed for Privacy),

Glad to hear it helped and nice work! Can I post this on the site, it helps people to see the success stories. I’ll strip your name of course, or feel free do so yourself if you still have access!

Shohn

Shohn,
Please feel free and post it on the site! For some reason and I’m sure that it’s a computer glitch on my end.. I am unable to log in and reply on your site. Once again… Thank You!!! Your site helped me in in a big way.
God Bless!
P.S. This was the absolute toughest thing that I’ve had to go through in my life! I would never want to experience it again. But through it all, I know that God has made me the type of husband that he wanted all along. I’m in absolute marvel at the power of Christ!!!!

Take Care and please feel free to email me at anytime.

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As I was on the brink of repairing my marriage my wife and I quit seeing our mutual secular counselor at the same time. She wanted to go by herself. I then started going by myself to improve my anger management and to gather intelligence. Our counselor was in effect acting as an intelligence agent on “our” behalf by providing me with a status update on my wife’s progress towards recovery or lack thereof.

What I learned was interesting. My wife was fairly certain that there was no way I would be able to revise my errant ways on a permanent basis; however, she did indicate that I had been performing better recently. Her mind was still made up to go for the big D word because there was no way in her mind that I would be able to actually make some changes and maintain them for any meaningful length of time.

In her mind it was “He has said he was going to change so many times before - what makes it different this time?”. It had to be different this time. I utilized mental images of being without her or her being with someone else to make sure I didn’t regress. This drove me towards becoming consistently better. This was not changing who I am, but rather was making myself better. We can all stand to improve ourselves. In addition, I did tell her that though I was trying to improve, I am still human and would likely make mistakes. I set her expectations, but let her know I really was trying.

As you start to show signs of improvement you’ve got to make sure that you don’t regress. Figure out a way to monitor your progress and to keep you progressing. If the communications lines are open - one way to do this is to just ask her or find out from other sources how she thinks you are doing. In my case, the other source was our counselor. If you must, tell her why you are doing this i.e., so you can get better to improve the hopes of saving the marriage, but you better not break the law of not being creepy. It is a fine balance. If you must - write down how many “violations (102 hits)” you’ve had per day and per week. Keep track. Your log book (133 hits) is a good place for this.

Ironically, all of this is not too far from what I’ve learned in the corporate world - organizations tend to make “sawtooth” improvements in their processes. Stated another way - two steps forward one step back. This seems to be no different from people like you and me (gee whiz since people seem to form most corporate processes).

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Who was that famous American hero who had a flag with a snake. The flag said “ Don’t tread on me (117 hits)“. I forget, but I’ve always wanted one of those flags:

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As my marriage was falling apart a wise woman from an unlikely source came to me. This is a person I really didn’t like so much at the time because I viewed her as a threat to my marriage and to my family. She was one of my wife’s new found “friends”.

This was a person who I had helped out some through some financial troubles she had been having, but at some point her and my wife became friends. My wife was spending a great deal of time with this person and in my mind was probably receiving counsel from this “friend” to divorce me. It didn’t matter to me at the time whether she was or wasn’t encouraging my wife to leave - what did matter was that it was an unknown and therefore a threat in my mind. If there was a threat to my family I would do anything to stamp out that threat. Think of it this way - if your child is near a snake - do you take the time to ask whether it is poisonous or not? I didn’t either. Soon word began to spread around town about this person - she was being called a “home wrecker”, etc. In retrospect, this wasn’t what should have happened, but alas we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time.

At some point she came to me and asked about what was being said. She and I discussed what was being said and had what lead into a very thought provoking conversation for me.

I left the conversation with one main theme. I can work as hard as I want to bring good things to my family, but what if I have no family to bring those good things to? This point really hit home for me. If you are a work-a-holic like me, just ask yourself why are you doing all this? If it is for the family, then you better not run them off with the long hours or else all your efforts are for nothing! Working for the family is meaningless if you lose your family. Some more irony at its best.

This friend of my wife and I did reconcile and I think it also helped my wife somewhat because I was no longer seen as the “evil” husband by her friend, but rather as a person with some faults who was actually trying to do the right thing. If you have contact with your wife’s friends - don’t creep them out, but let them see you as the good man that you are.

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Depending on where you are at with restoring your marriage - you may have a chance to start going out on dates. This is pivotal. Dates must be scheduled and must happen or you may be right back where you both started.

Is she so angry that she will turn down a free lunch / dinner “just for old times sake” or just as “friends”? Wow. Well she may turn that down, but how about another opportunity to have some real fun together (not sex at this stage).

Tired of the usual boring dinner and a movie?

We tried flight lessons. Cost me $55 for about an hour worth of flight lessons. We had the time of our lives. It was cheaper than dinner and a movie!

Scared of heights? Then find something else that will be fun - that your spouse would enjoy. How about cooking classes? Swing dancing? Can’t afford it? You must afford it buddy. Do you realize how much a divorce will cost you not only in terms of dollars, but the rest of your lives?

When she was in the “I’m not going anywhere with you” state I took her and the kids to Six Flags. I knew she didn’t want to go, but she did go for the sake of the kids. We actually had fun. If you get her to go - then I want you to listen up.

You can do anything for up to 12 hours and still keep a smile on. Focus on fun - not your marriage when you do this. Dates create opportunities for your marriage to return to health by getting away from the bad memories and creating new happy ones.

You had to get a driver’s license to drive. You had to go to driver’s ed, take a test, received training right? It takes even more to get a pilot’s license yet if you are reading this it is likely you both were piloting your marriage without any training. It starts with you. You need to educate yourself and her if she is willing about marriage. With the lessons you have learned you can both do a different kind of flying with your marriage! Sounds cheesy, but it is true.

Ironically in my state, they make you take a divorce class before you can file, but there is no requirement for marriage class, no test, etc. I can’t wait to send this up to my congressman. Seems fundamentally flawed.

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As stated previously, if your spouse moves out - your chances of preventing the divorce go down significantly and the pace of putting things together is slowed dramatically. You go from direct communication to maybe a phone call or letter. If the communication stops completely - you are in real trouble. Time to start praying - ask for others’ prayers as well.

This is where we were at.

She was in the “divorce is the only option” stage and was actively seeking a place to live before I offered a truce. My wife was a house wife and had limited career options at the time. Despite these set backs for her, I knew full well that if she wanted to she could find a way to move out. I also knew she was just buying time - effectively using me. Like in Judo, I used this to “our” advantage. I was giving 100% to the marriage and she was giving 0%, but it was still our marriage in my mind. Sometimes one partner needs to take up some slack.

I knew that statistically if your spouse moves out - your chances of reconnecting go down significantly. I needed a way to keep her in the house without her feeling like I was trying to control her. If she felt controlled, she would be out in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Here is what I did.

I volunteered to sleep on the couch, continue to pay the mortgage etc., and a few other concessions so that the kids and her would have a place to live for awhile until she managed to get enough money to start a career of her own. I effectively offered a “smooth transition” to her new life. I also told her that I was doing this for the kids and us, because I was hanging on to hope that she would turn around. She knew that this would only benefit her and the kids no matter how much she hated me at the time. It was a win win situation.

There is a trick to this though. Your offer can not come off like a business deal. It needs to be genuinely interested in her well being because you love her. In addition, it was important that she knew that I wanted our marriage to work - no matter how much she didn’t at the time. You can’t come off as some spineless weakling who is caving into her every demand - but you still need to demonstrate that you are willing to go the mile and then some if that is what it takes to save the marriage.

Get your priorities straight. Besides your soul - nothing else matters more in life than your marriage. Yes even the kids will move out one day.

My tactic was to play the odds and make it easier for her to transition away in her mind by offering her a place to stay without me getting in the way too much. I also appealed to her need for “space” at the time by staying on the couch. Some people need space and some don’t. Some people are pursuers and some are not in relationships. You need to figure out what your spouse needs in this area and find a balance that won’t make her feel abandoned, but at the same time is respectful of her space needs whatever they may be at the time.

The moral to the story is you’ve got to find a way to keep your spouse in the same state, city, house, bed or as close as you can without pushing too hard.

If you are able to sleep in the same bed and you are a guy - for crying out loud please don’t put any moves on her until she invites you to. Patience. If you are a sexually charged individual like me (or just a guy) then you better learn how to control your reproductive urges fast. I’ve got some helpful mental reminders / alternatives to masturbation in the following paragraph.

Once I finally got her to sleep in the same bed again I just remembered that any “moves” I attempted would land me right back on the couch bed. I waited for the invitation. Remember that if you push too hard it could result in weeks or months of lost progress. They say that it takes years to build up trust with a woman and only one day to lose it. One thing I used was to imagine myself completely without her if I pushed too hard - that stopped those moves right in their tracks.

Another useful stat is that if you or her remarry - your chances of another divorce go up quite a bit. Trade one set of problems for another. If you don’t fix yourself first and she doesn’t fix herself it is likely that you’ll be in the same boat, but with a different person. I’ll talk more about this later.

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It’s an old story. The man in the relationship gets stuck in the “dog-house” - everyone later says haha - he is in the dog-house. We all laugh about it later. He then proceeds to buy roses, chocolates, or other junk that he thinks will somehow mean something to his sweetheart. Sometimes it works, but the reality is if you keep doing the same things to get in the dog-house, you’re going to be in the dog-house permanently i.e., divorced.

The worst part is that eventually the ol’ buy her roses trick is about as meaningful to her as giving her your pocket lint and can actually have the opposite effect if you’ve never done the ol’ buy her roses trick. In addition, sometimes the roses never meant anything to her anyway (more about this in the last paragraphs).

In other words, if your sweetheart is trying to leave you then such gestures can be perceived negatively. Remember, everyone wants to believe this line: “I am a good person”. This can turn into some fairly convenient rationalization for her. Just imagine the possibilities:

“He shouldn’t have spent money on me - what a moron - why would I want to be with that moron”.

“He should have been doing that all along”.

“He only did that because he is scared - how pathetic”.

You get the idea. You must understand that she is probably trying to rationalize her decision to leave you. She knows a divorce will be tough and painful, but she’d rather have that than you. Anything you do can be perceived negatively. Stop doing all the things you know make her angry - and don’t do them again. Stop now. Then keep doing the positive gifty things - she becomes the priority. Be sure the standard you set matches what you did when you were first dating. If you’re reading this - you obviously messed up some how and she is the one who wants to leave - not you. So no matter how much of this you think is her fault - you’ve got to change first before she will follow - and don’t slack up this time. Ask God to help you with that last part. Back to gifts.

I’ve heard horror stories of the “make up” flowers or candy or whatever being promptly deposited in the trash upon receipt by the object of one’s affection. This may be the same person who says “excuse me” in public if they happen to belch. Remember, she is not herself, and in all likelihood - she probably can’t stand the sight of you right now. So if she does something mean - just take the high road.

Okay - we’re getting closer to how I started to get out of the biggest dog-house I’ve eve been in. I stopped everything I was doing and searched for those things that I had always planned to give her, but never did. You know your lady - maybe she’s into mink coats or trips to Paris, but whatever it is figure out that something that she would find truly meaningful. There is a trick though. It has to be selfless and needs to make you somewhat vulnerable. I’m not suggesting getting a 2nd mortgage for a ridiculous diamond ring or buying her a 3rd BMW, but I hope you’re getting the idea by now. It can’t seem like you are just checking off some list. You can be creative and thoughtful for once.

Of course, I am just sharing my personal experiences, but I think some of this applies to every relationship in trouble. I had to do almost completely opposite of what my self-preservation instincts told me. It is an old story - follow your heart they say. Again, your mileage may vary - for all I know you may have a complete psychopath on your hands. If so, you may need to reengage those self-preservation instincts. Before you do, just know that sometimes people are not themselves once they have been pushed too far and if you are reading this then it is you who did the pushing. Even if she is acting a bit mentally unbalanced you should know whether it is normal for her or not.

Finally. Here is what I did. My wife has never really been anywhere and definitely wanted some “space”. I needed to respect her space without putting her with a crop of naysayers encouraging her to take me to the cleaners. I also wanted to show her that I really did love her. I asked God for some inspiration and suddenly remembered how I had planned to take her on a trip to some place she had never been. Except she would be going alone to help her get some space.

I sent her on a fun packed trip to Colorado by cashing in my frequent flyer and hotel miles. She went for a week. It cost me about $600 bucks. As she was leaving she actually responded “I love you too” sincerely for the first time in many months to my usual “I love you”. She was gone 7 days - I took off the whole week to watch the kiddos while she was gone.

This gesture was completely opposite of the workaholic penny pinching fellow she was used to. My friends’ wife found out and informed me that it was absolute genius and that we would be just fine. Two days after she returned it seemed like everything had become like a new relationship (that initial bliss in any new relationship). Your mileage may vary, but this sure did help us out.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons as follows:

1.) Gifts can be offensive if you never gave them before. Too little too late.

2.) Everyone needs different kinds of gifts (i.e., I love yous, roses, doing the dishes, the horizontal polka, backrubs, or whatever). You need to figure out what kind of gifts your sweetheart is most receptive to. For example, my wife used to buy me clothes and cologne for Christmas. I can relate to this because clothes and cologne mean nothing to me, but her sending me a text message with “I love you” (words of affirmation) makes my whole day.

The different kinds of gifts are outlined in this book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (14 hits). I read this one, it is a quick read and you can get the idea after reading a couple chapters. While this is a good book (recommended by most folks I’ve talked to), it seems to me that it would only be useful at certain stages in a divorce. It seems like it would be more useful after you manage to rekindle your relationship or shortly before she decides to file for divorce. It did have some fun albeit cheesy love games. The best thing I remember about it was some guy who was told that his wife wanted his help washing the clothes. He couldn’t understand how that would make her feel loved, but once he understood he responded something to the effect - if that’s all it takes then I’ll wash the clothes every day!

In summary - I’d figure out what she likes and if you are in a heap of trouble it had better be selfless, good, and make you vulnerable.

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