Glass Gloves

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done besides burying my favorite dog when I was a kid maybe. Not calling my wife for 7 days straight. Fasted for 3 days no water no food. That was easy compared to not calling her. The response was amazing. She said that this confirms that I’m indeed making the changes that I need to make. She’s keeping a wait and see attitude, but it was clear the momentum is moving forward still. I  gotta keep working on me, but man, such Good News!

Next on the list. This is something I have heard of, but never experienced until I got off my fast last week. I share this not for boasting, but for testimony of the power of our God when we take him seriously. A guy I had been working with for almost a full year on his marriage restoration instant messaged me the day I got off my fast. They had gotten a divorce. They had been through a Non Covenant Person. Separation for several months. She is MOVING back with him. Utter and unexplainable JOY! When he told me…. all I can describe were tingles all over my entire body. Pure energy moving through me. Better than any drug I’ve ever taken, but that’s another story I shan’t tell here

Today as I was preparing to pick up the children again I prayed for peace. A couple hours later a guy from rejoice ministries (http://www.rejoiceministries.org (30 hits)) emailed me. It was right on time. It was personal. It touched my heart in so many ways.

Then I was sitting on the couch preparing - rebuking the enemy and what not. Suddenly, out of nowhere - a wave of happiness or joy unlike anything I have experienced came over me. It was so energetic and intense that it scared me for a moment. It lasted for almost 10 minutes. It was almost as though I was not even in my body. I don’t fully understand what is happening to me - it scares me a little even, but all I can say is PRAISE and more PRAISE to our Messiah, our Savior, our Protector, wonderful counselor, MIGHTY GOD!

One more thing. My pastor took me to attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Intense stuff. Lots of cursing, but lots of TRUE love of our God. Very simple principles they employ at Narcotics anonymous. Very much based on biblical principles from what I could tell. I think the purpose of me being there was to come up with an almost prescriptive plan for recovering a marriage based on everything I have been taught from so many sources and by our God, but let’s get to it. These guys had been through the valley of death and their stories were truly heart wrenching. It hurt me just to listen to some of their stories. Though I felt out of place having never been where they had been I almost broke out into tears several times just living through what they had been through with them.
I saw one guy - he was missing a couple of teeth and was probably the lowest of His brethren, but I could FEEL his spirit. Feel His emotions. He was the proverbial guy sitting in a stack of dung so high it covered him, but he was so …. I can’t explain it…. humble.. happy… pure… sincere. REAL!
The enemy has come to steal, kill, rob, and destroy, but our Savior has come to bring us LIFE and LIFE abundantly. The more I go through this the more I’m understanding what He meant by that.

From my limited perspective there is a MOVEMENT going on. The Spirit of our God is working mightily in ways I’ve never knew He WOULD. He is REAL. He moves. He is up there not just shining light and rain down on the evil and the good, but ACTIVELY involved in OUR lives. The resurrection changed everything. It changed everything.  Oh How I have fallen in love with our God. I can’t even describe it.

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I had something rather interesting happen to me today that I found slightly amusing. So there I was outside the office having a nice little smoke break. Yeah, I know, I’ve quite about 100 times. Anyway, this guy makes a b-line for me, his clothes are bit disheveled, clearly his purpose is to extract either some change or a smoke from me. I used to work in downtown where many a supposed homeless man prospered from my bleeding heart. So I recognize it right away.

It is just another pattern I guess.

Let’s see what he wants. Is it money, tell me a great story about how needs only a dollar more for a bus ticket, how he is no longer on drugs, or he needs a dollar to go see his son, the list goes on. Now make no mistake, some of those guys have very real stories, but I’ve found that a number of them just make stuff up. Yeah, I give em money anyway - shame on me for supporting their lifestyle, but I figure there has to be one in a hundred who actually needs the money, had a real story, and many of them are mentally ill. I’ve seen some that swat at stuff that isn’t there before.
Some of the more inventive homeless folk in Houston are now asking for money to supply such high ambitions as a college fund for their kids and even just honest - Need money for Beer! I really feel sorry for them though. Imagine being caught up in something like that and not having the will and sometimes the ability to break out of the cycle. What went wrong? I have to admit though, that sometimes I envy these folks a bit. The only thing they really have to worry about is where to sleep and where their next meal comes from.
Well anyway here goes the rest of the story:

Disheveled clothes man: Hey man can I have a cigarette?

Smoke break guy: I guess so.

Disheveled clothes man: How about two, I’ve got a quarter.

Smoke break guy thinks to himself, okay, you don’t have to buy them if I’m giving them to you, but maybe this is some kind of pride thing.

Smoke break guy: Well, you keep that, here’s a couple of smokes.

Disheveled clothes man: Thanks!

Disheveled clothes man: God bless Vietnam vets man, that’s why they’re not fat like you.

Smoke break guy: Puzzled look.

Disheveled clothes man: Realizes what he just said. Big koolaid smile. Slight stutter for split second.
Disheveled clothes man: Continues to smile, But, that’s healthy, take care.

Disheveled clothes man makes haste!

Smoke break guy thinking to himself: You seem a tad bit young to have been in the war man. Very clever though, you never said you were in the war.
Smoke break guy: Bursts out into laughter.

That guy just made my day! To make matters even funnier though, a slim fit woman comes jogging by with her athletic gear on immediately after this whole incident. This is Texas - it is HOT outside right now. I can only imagine how much tougher than me she is to be running in 105 degree heat! If I said the wrong thing, I imagine this girl would clean the pavement with my rear end.
I look up at the sky and say to our Father - so what? You’re saying I’m fat too?

I promptly relayed this story to my wife, but she didn’t seem to appreciate the inherent humor in it. She also says I’m not fat, but I think she’s looking at me through a different set of goggles than the person who just paid me a wonderful compliment and got two of my smokes for free!
Perspective baby.
Still though, there is a deeper lesson here, and that is the one of the downward spiral not unlike what our homeless friend had been experiencing for some time. The same pattern can apply in marital disputes. What happens is the two of you, though you are supposed to act like one, became selfish somehow. It happens. I do it all the time and just keep working towards perfection, but I’m a long way away. He did this, she did this, he did this, from an outsider it looks like two little kids fighting. One of the kids needs to have a maturity growth moment to pull the other one out of the argument, or you could always just have mom and dad stop the fight. Some folks do this for 20-30 years and still never figure it out. Never make it to stage 3 in the marriage that is.
That makes me wonder though. When my children decide they want to argue over something, I’ve found that one of the most effective cures is to have them both sit down and face each other. Eventually, one will smile, and the fight is over about 10 seconds later. I wonder if this could somehow work in a marital argument? I know I mentioned the joke tactic before, but there is just something really powerful about a smile, or staying mad at someone who is being nice to you. It is hard to do, eventually the desire to stay angry can’t stay as long as there is a smile in the way. A smirk on the other hand…. get ready for WWIII. People are so funny!

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People change and so can you.

Has she told you this “You’re not the same person I fell in love with” or “I’m no longer the same person”?
Do you know that initial bliss in any new relationship? You know - that stage where you can’t stop thinking about the person you just got involved with? Then at some point it sours - you find out you’re not compatible or whatever. What about the same in marriage though. You married her for a reason and she you. Both of you expressed a lifetime commitment to each other for some reason. What happened? Did you both expect that it would be peaches and cream the whole time? Did reality set in? I’m not saying that it can’t be most of the time, but to get there takes work after the initial bliss has passed.

When was the last time you two did something fun together? Did you get caught up in the business of life? Or is it worse - did she give up? I don’t care if she has - you can bring her back if you try hard enough. I did.

Until you can get past this stage that you both are in - that “love” thing you are searching for will be elusive. It is only a stage. This too shall pass if at least one of you is willing.

If you are on this site, you are most likely at stage 2 of marriage as explained by this save the marriage ebook (244 hits) that I read from another site. Please note - the ebook is good for understanding what you are up against - but you should also supplement it with other resources. Are you at the Fight Fight Fight stage or have you been together so long that you’ve forgotten and become complacent and never made it to stage 3. I can’t speak to the latter because we were at the fight fight fight stage.

What I did learn from people who have been married for much longer that I have been alive is that it is founded on commitment, acceptance, and forgiveness. The raw emotion of love is some kind of reward that your brain gives you for doing those things.

She has lost that emotion, because you have not showed her love in a manner that she can understand (14 hits). Just like many of us guys equate sex with love she will have other things that she needs.

Does she say that she can’t forgive you? That is a crock too. She has only convinced herself of that. I know my wife did, but she eventually forgave me after I started acting right for an extended period.

I had to really forgive her after some of the things she did once I had pushed her too far.

Love is also a decision when it comes to your spouse. Period. You will never be able to meet all of your expectations and you hers until years down in the marriage. Do you think these people that are happily married after 50 years never had a rough period like what you guys are going through? Why don’t you ask around and you may be surprised.

Did you or her get this expectation out of a movie ?

It is like a river man! The marriage relationship will change as you or your wife changes. If you are truly committed to this woman, you must adjust to her changes and only then can she adjust to you.

What is different about her? Do you know? Have her needs changed?

Food for thought.

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What I am about to tell you only applies if you are fortunate enough to have your wife sleeping in the same bed with you again and only if intimate relations have resumed at her invitation. If you aren’t there yet you need to go back to the start (150 hits) or at least here (120 hits).

Here we go. Some of this article may be a bit crass so you have been warned.
One of my friends told me a funny yet sad story about how he had gotten a bit out of control with his wife. No disrespect to my friend, but I thought we all could learn from his experience. Apparently, his wife climbed into their bed minus her underpants. To most guys - including myself - this would be an indicator of good things to come.

Unfortunately, for my friend it seems that his wife instead rejected his advances for physical intimacy and in response he threw a nice little temper tantrum. He proceeded to remove the sheets from their bed and even went so far as to toss his underwear somewhat violently. He then remade the bed with her in it. I can certainly relate to wanting to do things like this and have done much worse in the past.

I once commented to my wife on a similar situation albeit minus the underwear tossing - “I hope that one day you become reincarnated well endowed so that you’ll know what it’s like to be a guy.” - I said it much meaner than that of course - it might as well have been in demon-speak. I can say it much nicer now though. I just explained what is written in the following paragraphs.

Please filter appropriately as this is based on a study of my wife and many of my friends’ wives. For all I know, your lady could be loaded down with so much physical intimacy drive that you have to fight her off with a stick. Lucky you.

Also, for those couples who sleep in the nude - I have no answers on the subject of going to bed minus underpants.

At the risk of being crass, this stuff applies to the rest of us who have kids or who have a fear of the house catching fire while sleeping nude and then running out of the house naked much to the dismay of the local fire department that just arrived to put the fire out.

Yes I have kids.

A couple of suggestions for guys and ladies.

Ladies

You just don’t know how much power you have over us in this area and if you do and abuse it - well you are only robbing yourself. Please please play nicely. Denial in the area of physical intimacy wounds our poor little inner child which is waht results in the nice little temper tantrum at times. You must realize that in many ways this is no different from the need to eat and drink for us guys. Think of it this way. To us it is almost like saying “Sweetie I’m dying of thirst can you get me a drink of water?” Then we receive a proverbial “Sorry honey, I don’t feel like getting you a drink of water even if you are dying.”

Please don’t come to bed minus underpants unless your intending on a roll in the hay or unless some gnomes stole your underpants (98 hits). At the risk of sound crass, wrap your bottom up like a mummy if you aren’t interested. It is nothing less than torture to your poor poor husband to show up to bed minus under pants and not be in the mood. Period.

If you’re bloating, head-aching, or any of the other common ailments - let us know. It makes it a heck of a lot easier on our inflated male egoes. Until we reach a certain age (80 (92 hits)?), you must realize that these thoughts govern (97 hits) our brain half the time if not more. We’re just wired that way. You could almost say it is our mummy.

Guys

Sometimes your lady just wants to be held and every little physical caress doesn’t mean that the horizontal polka is a go that night. I have yet to figure out how to tell the difference, but just realize that it may not be. The whole process is some kind of game to them. They’re looking for the dance of romance (though not all the time). Confusing eh? Again, just acknowledge it for what it is and play your part.

No throwing the sheets like my ill-fortuned friend. It is tough I know. Here is a trick for her to calm that inner sheet tosser of yours. I found that if my wife explains why she is denying me that proverbial glass of water it instantly removes those feelings. Ask her next time to just help you understand and you may find yourself sympathetic to your loved one’s plight for once.

Another thing - you can’t just come in from work, sling all your stuff down, ask for a beer, prop yourself in front of the TV, and then expect her to want to be physically intimate once it is time for bed. If you do this - congratulations - you just made her feel like a piece of meat (106 hits) and you are probably building up some nice resentment against yourself from her.

Lastly, I’ve noticed that there are at least a couple of ground rules that allow her to take the game to your desired conclusion.

• It starts with you (assuming we’re working with the standard sex-crazed male situation and not the inverse (102 hits)). Make her feel loved. Think selfless.
• She has buttons - you need to figure out what they are. In the case of my wife, I discovered a rather simple equation. Fun (181 hits) for her (99 hits) = fun for me.
• 
• There are other buttons, but this is a big one for my wife. Do you know what your wife’s is? How sad if you don’t. I know I didn’t until I started piecing everything together.
• She needs the right environment - that means no kids running around, the nest needs to be secure, clean, etc. If your wife stays home like mine, then bring home dinner for once. Figure out what she is worried about and help remove as many items from her todo list as possible. Then she can focus on more fun activities.
• Whatever you do - if she says no - don’t complain. Suck it up and you can talk about where you both are going wrong (103 hits) later.

These rules apply if you actually want her to be into the experience. If she’s just indulging you (i.e., she’s not interested, but lets you have your fun anyway) then perhaps you should let her know how much you appreciate her kindness.

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So as my wife was starting to turn back around, our mutual secular counselor warned me about some upcoming anger flare-ups on her part. I don’t want to go into details, but in my situation, the counselor said that if my wife’s anger flared up, it was actually a good sign. Huh? (102 hits) If your spouse does start to unload on you - just sit there and listen without firing back. If you need to explain yourself then do so, but do NOT push any buttons. Yes, anger can actually be a positive sign. I guess we should never underestimate the complexities of the human psyche. I suggest you talk to a good counselor about this phenomenon to learn more about when it is applicable - I can only relate my personal experiences on this one. My wife did get some anger flare ups - and I was actually happy because it was a positive sign!

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Multiple books I’ve read describe a tactic for bringing some “positive energy” into your relationship. It is a cheesy way of describing how to avoid talking about all the crud that you guys have recently gone through, but still have something to build on.

The tactic is to simply recall your early dating days with your presently unaffectionate spouse to retrieve those happy feelings. This one failed miserably for me the first time I tried it - I got a “I don’t remember anything good about when we dated” but, I kept asking and quit doing all those things that landed me in the dog house before. Eventually this tactic worked and she remembered the good ol’ days. Word of advice - avoid the bad memories like the plague! If you see this conversation going down that path you had better steer it away. If you’re poor at conversation steering then God help you once you land on a bad memory - you had better be:

• sincere,
• not so critical,
• use I messages, and
• maintain your convictions.

That last part is very important - if you give up your identity to try and please her she may view you as having no backbone - then you are really hosed. Try to get back to a positive memory as quickly as possible without completely dodging her critique of your performance in whatever bad memory you just landed on. Just acknowledge it was wrong of you if it was - if you weren’t completely to blame then you can say that but you had better be sure it wasn’t all you, and then move on.

I like to call these things memory mines. Watch where you step - the same goes for Dr. Phil’s book (97 hits) - haha!

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