Glass Gloves

Apparently, it is a good idea to write a top 10 article to get people to come to your site as I learned from the Top 10 Reasons to write a Top 10 article (6 hits). Since the objective of this site is to save marriages, part of that objective would include getting more people who are thinking about getting a divorce or how to save their marriage to come here. So here is my initial draft at the Top 10 Ways to Stay Married. I’d be delighted to hear others! I’m sure I can do lots of combos on this - Top 10 Reasons to Stay Married, Top 11 ways to get divorced, Top 10 Romantic Ideas, etc. Top 10 Cheesy Ways to Run your Spouse Off when they are thinking about divorcing you, etc. Anyway, here goes.

Shohn’s Top 10 Ways to Stay Married If Your Spouse Wants a Divorce

1. Make a top 10 list of everything annoying or that angers your spouse and stop doing it today.

This one should be a no-brainer, but hey, it was easy, and really is the first thing you should do to avoid divorce.

2. Stop Expecting Hugs and Kisses and anything intimate for awhile.

Yup, you might as well get used to no fun in the sack, no intimacy, and in many cases utter disdain for you as a person. Did you expect horizontal polkas on your first date? Well you can’t now either. You are pretty much in first date mode - anything else will pretty much get you divorced.
3. Get Control of Those Panic Emotions!

Yes panic can and will set in, particularly, if you actually believe in marriage, soul mates, etc. and aren’t just trying to save your marriage because you are scared. That sad part is that panic and crying makes everything worse and causes your spouse to go bye bye. Nature trips, powerful mental images (e.g., your spouse with another person), etc. can help you get those pesky panic attacks in check.

4. Learn Your Spouse’s Love Language and Start Making Them Feel Loved!

Somewhere deep down inside, your spouse still has some feeling for you, but right now it is somewhere out there in the Oort cloud (120 hits). You can bring it back, but I guarantee you better be consistent, and pace yourself otherwise they’ll know this is all the last ditch effort that they are convinced it is! What is the ol’ love language you say? Your spouse has probably repeatedly asked you for the same things over and over and you never took it seriously. For some it may be sex (that’s most of us men) and for others it could be helping out with the kids. That’s right, helping your wife with the kids can actually enable her feelings in some cases. That said, that probably has nothing to do with your sex appeal if you are a guy, as I understand it, that is driven by other forces. Well let’s get to the next item to find out!

5. Confidence, not Arrogance baby.

Confident people are fun to be around right? Arrogant people are not so fun to be around. Do you think your spouse wants to be around this angry crying thing that this mention of divorce has turned you into? Yeah I know, it sucks, but if you want your spouse back, you gotta get your groove back. Don’t be someone you aren’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t improve yourself, and get rid of all those nasty habits and get some new, more flattering clothes.

6. Education Education Education.

Read and understand the forces that are at work here. Just like gravity, electricity, etc. the relationship world is governed by emotional forces that we still don’t seem to understand completely. Examples, if your spouse has a poor relationship with their mother, that can actually bleed over and mess up your marriage if it goes unaddressed. Huh? If you come to your spouse crying, it actually repulses them in many cases, and can make them angrier. It may be perceived as emotional black mail. There are different kinds of responses to anger. Some folks can’t let it go, while others will sit there in total silence. Learn your spouse’s pattern! Learn everything you can from people who have been married, got divorced, and especially people who almost got a divorce, what worked, what didn’t, etc. For crying out loud read Hosea and the Songs of Solomon in the scripture. I don’t care if you hate God, it will still do you some good in trying to save your marriage.

7. Learn Agape / Sacraficial Love.

You might as well toss out ol’ Eros for now. Time to focus on Agape. This means a nice sacrafice on your part would be good about now. I said a sacrafice, not martydom. Don’t go diving in front of any trains as that will just further confirm that you are an unsuitable spouse in their mind. Do something really really nice, that isn’t going to be perceived as creepy. Here’s a clue - you probably need to not involve yourself in whatever it is, if you feel like you can trust your very very angry mate.

8. Don’t Talk About the Problems

Talking about the problems usually makes things worse until you have a COMMITMENT from your spouse to stay and engage in making the marriage better. It will take awhile to get that commitment, so until then, if they try to start WWIII, don’t fall into it. Don’t fall into that trap. You just sit there and let them vent or get out of the way until they are done. If they are the type who likes conflict, well you may need to actually engage them for once if you never have!

9. See Through the Anger and Emotional Roller Coaster.

Yes your spouse will say they want a divorce one minute and then something else the next. They will say they hate you. They no longer love you, aren’t in love with you, etc. etc. No big thing man. Teen agers can come up with the same stuff, but it passes! They will flip flop in their decisions. One foot in the pool and one foot out. It is just part of the cycle. Don’t worry about it and recognize it for what it is. Yeah easy for me to say, but believe me I’ve been there, and it got so much easier once I realized what was going on. It can be like being married to a werewolf for a bit! Love your little werewolf, not for what they are doing presently, but what they can become and leave the silver bullets at home. Well except for this top 10 list! Go see the movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. That is pretty much what you are up against for the foreseeable future. Then right as you start to make progress, you’ll get angry and ruin all your progress. Don’t be that person when you have this awesome top ten list available!

10. Have a Moment of Clarity.
This one can’t be taught, only described. It just has to happen to you. It essentially means totally giving up and TRUSTING God, Yahuwah, Yahweh, the Great Spirit, Jesus, Yah’shua, Yeshua or whatever your favorite and endearing term for our Creator is, to take care of this. Through tons of research, I think His name (9 hits)is something along the lines of Yahuwah or Yahuweh (77 hits) translitereated to English, but that’s not the name I used when my miracle prayer (446 hits) was answered. It was something more along the lines of Daddy. I just know what I felt and others have described the same experience. It is the same force that causes those medical miracles that all of us have heard of at least once. It is like searching for the enlightement or lost spiritual truths! It is buried deep down inside you somewhere and it has nothing to do with going to church although that can help sometimes. Luke, use the force! You are finally past the check list! You are actually doing this because you now love your spouse more than yourself! You are no longer afraid! Nothing is impossible for this marriage!

Yes I know this is tough man, but believe me, it is worth it once you make it to the other side. Don’t give up. This could take awhile.

11. Repeat Steps 1 through 9 until 10 happens

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A husband and wife start down the downard spiral of divorce and guess what happens - all of a sudden you have free advice from all your friends, loved ones, parents, etc. and now me if you are reading this!

First, the relationship between a husband and wife should be strongest relationship you have with another person during your time in this world. Period.

Even your parents and children do not come before your marriage. Your parents’ may have changed your diapers and cared for you, but will never have the type of relationship you and your spouse have had and can have.

Your children will tell you and your spouse what you both want to hear just to appeal to each of you. For example, if your spouse wants a divorce - then the kids will say - “I wish you would just get a divorce”. If you want to stay - then the kids will say “You should go out on a date with mom”. First of all, the kids should not be involved in this mess, but somehow they get sucked in sometimes and then they can affect the decisions. I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule (e.g., Andrea Yates), but other than that your spouse is more important than anyone else in this world.

Second, I found that well meaning parents, friends, etc. come out of the wood work and offer advice. Some of these are nay-sayers (i.e., you can’t save the marriage). I brought some of this on myself as well by asking folks for help during my duress and accepting their negativity. You are listening to positive stuff by coming to this web site, but it is still advice. You just need to know how to filter advice, and how to filter what you have heard about your spouse through 3rd parties (I need to write this article still). Some of it may be true - some of it not, but don’t accept it all blindly and expect the worst (63 hits). Now, I’ve got some advice for you about advice. Irony at its best.

• Make your own decisions about what to do with your wife / husband. If you’ve got to, pretend that you two are the only human beings on this planet. Don’t “Jones” it with your spouse by trying to please everyone else. Are they going to be the ones living alone for the next year, and rethinking everything they did wrong if you mess this up?
• Be aware of expert advice from people who have never been in this situation.
• Be aware that the advice given may not ever apply to your unique spouse and situation.
• Quit talking to the nay-sayers and do whatever you can to lessen nay-sayer input to your spouse except trying to control him / her, being mysterious, and being dishonest. I simply asked my wife to quit talking to her “friends” so we could sort our family out and I asked her friends to stay out of the way. Once the “friends” see you as a person and realize there are two sides to the story they may back off from encouraging a divorce.
• Be aware of the success rate of the advice you are given. For example, if you receive advice from someone who is divorced, then perhaps their methods aren’t so successful. The proof is in the pudding. I stopped my divorce and so did many of the people I’ve taken advice from. That is the right type of advice if it applies to your situation.
• Watch out for counselors as well. I’d ask about their success rate before trusting anything given to you by a counselor. Proof is in the pudding. How many marriages have they saved and not saved?
• I wonder what happens to Dr. Phil’s patients 5 years after treatment. You should wonder too - his book (97 hits) is good, but don’t believe everything you read.
• Get your self some literary resources to help understand the themes I talk about on this site. I’ve provided links to the books that are generally recommended by most of the folks I’ve talked to. Each book tends to focus on a certain area or concept. I’m just trying to wrap up everything I learned into one collective body of knowledge, you still need the details.
• Lastly - if the advice given here does not apply to you then throw it out!

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As stated previously, if your spouse moves out - your chances of preventing the divorce go down significantly and the pace of putting things together is slowed dramatically. You go from direct communication to maybe a phone call or letter. If the communication stops completely - you are in real trouble. Time to start praying - ask for others’ prayers as well.

This is where we were at.

She was in the “divorce is the only option” stage and was actively seeking a place to live before I offered a truce. My wife was a house wife and had limited career options at the time. Despite these set backs for her, I knew full well that if she wanted to she could find a way to move out. I also knew she was just buying time - effectively using me. Like in Judo, I used this to “our” advantage. I was giving 100% to the marriage and she was giving 0%, but it was still our marriage in my mind. Sometimes one partner needs to take up some slack.

I knew that statistically if your spouse moves out - your chances of reconnecting go down significantly. I needed a way to keep her in the house without her feeling like I was trying to control her. If she felt controlled, she would be out in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Here is what I did.

I volunteered to sleep on the couch, continue to pay the mortgage etc., and a few other concessions so that the kids and her would have a place to live for awhile until she managed to get enough money to start a career of her own. I effectively offered a “smooth transition” to her new life. I also told her that I was doing this for the kids and us, because I was hanging on to hope that she would turn around. She knew that this would only benefit her and the kids no matter how much she hated me at the time. It was a win win situation.

There is a trick to this though. Your offer can not come off like a business deal. It needs to be genuinely interested in her well being because you love her. In addition, it was important that she knew that I wanted our marriage to work - no matter how much she didn’t at the time. You can’t come off as some spineless weakling who is caving into her every demand - but you still need to demonstrate that you are willing to go the mile and then some if that is what it takes to save the marriage.

Get your priorities straight. Besides your soul - nothing else matters more in life than your marriage. Yes even the kids will move out one day.

My tactic was to play the odds and make it easier for her to transition away in her mind by offering her a place to stay without me getting in the way too much. I also appealed to her need for “space” at the time by staying on the couch. Some people need space and some don’t. Some people are pursuers and some are not in relationships. You need to figure out what your spouse needs in this area and find a balance that won’t make her feel abandoned, but at the same time is respectful of her space needs whatever they may be at the time.

The moral to the story is you’ve got to find a way to keep your spouse in the same state, city, house, bed or as close as you can without pushing too hard.

If you are able to sleep in the same bed and you are a guy - for crying out loud please don’t put any moves on her until she invites you to. Patience. If you are a sexually charged individual like me (or just a guy) then you better learn how to control your reproductive urges fast. I’ve got some helpful mental reminders / alternatives to masturbation in the following paragraph.

Once I finally got her to sleep in the same bed again I just remembered that any “moves” I attempted would land me right back on the couch bed. I waited for the invitation. Remember that if you push too hard it could result in weeks or months of lost progress. They say that it takes years to build up trust with a woman and only one day to lose it. One thing I used was to imagine myself completely without her if I pushed too hard - that stopped those moves right in their tracks.

Another useful stat is that if you or her remarry - your chances of another divorce go up quite a bit. Trade one set of problems for another. If you don’t fix yourself first and she doesn’t fix herself it is likely that you’ll be in the same boat, but with a different person. I’ll talk more about this later.

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It’s an old story. The man in the relationship gets stuck in the “dog-house” - everyone later says haha - he is in the dog-house. We all laugh about it later. He then proceeds to buy roses, chocolates, or other junk that he thinks will somehow mean something to his sweetheart. Sometimes it works, but the reality is if you keep doing the same things to get in the dog-house, you’re going to be in the dog-house permanently i.e., divorced.

The worst part is that eventually the ol’ buy her roses trick is about as meaningful to her as giving her your pocket lint and can actually have the opposite effect if you’ve never done the ol’ buy her roses trick. In addition, sometimes the roses never meant anything to her anyway (more about this in the last paragraphs).

In other words, if your sweetheart is trying to leave you then such gestures can be perceived negatively. Remember, everyone wants to believe this line: “I am a good person”. This can turn into some fairly convenient rationalization for her. Just imagine the possibilities:

“He shouldn’t have spent money on me - what a moron - why would I want to be with that moron”.

“He should have been doing that all along”.

“He only did that because he is scared - how pathetic”.

You get the idea. You must understand that she is probably trying to rationalize her decision to leave you. She knows a divorce will be tough and painful, but she’d rather have that than you. Anything you do can be perceived negatively. Stop doing all the things you know make her angry - and don’t do them again. Stop now. Then keep doing the positive gifty things - she becomes the priority. Be sure the standard you set matches what you did when you were first dating. If you’re reading this - you obviously messed up some how and she is the one who wants to leave - not you. So no matter how much of this you think is her fault - you’ve got to change first before she will follow - and don’t slack up this time. Ask God to help you with that last part. Back to gifts.

I’ve heard horror stories of the “make up” flowers or candy or whatever being promptly deposited in the trash upon receipt by the object of one’s affection. This may be the same person who says “excuse me” in public if they happen to belch. Remember, she is not herself, and in all likelihood - she probably can’t stand the sight of you right now. So if she does something mean - just take the high road.

Okay - we’re getting closer to how I started to get out of the biggest dog-house I’ve eve been in. I stopped everything I was doing and searched for those things that I had always planned to give her, but never did. You know your lady - maybe she’s into mink coats or trips to Paris, but whatever it is figure out that something that she would find truly meaningful. There is a trick though. It has to be selfless and needs to make you somewhat vulnerable. I’m not suggesting getting a 2nd mortgage for a ridiculous diamond ring or buying her a 3rd BMW, but I hope you’re getting the idea by now. It can’t seem like you are just checking off some list. You can be creative and thoughtful for once.

Of course, I am just sharing my personal experiences, but I think some of this applies to every relationship in trouble. I had to do almost completely opposite of what my self-preservation instincts told me. It is an old story - follow your heart they say. Again, your mileage may vary - for all I know you may have a complete psychopath on your hands. If so, you may need to reengage those self-preservation instincts. Before you do, just know that sometimes people are not themselves once they have been pushed too far and if you are reading this then it is you who did the pushing. Even if she is acting a bit mentally unbalanced you should know whether it is normal for her or not.

Finally. Here is what I did. My wife has never really been anywhere and definitely wanted some “space”. I needed to respect her space without putting her with a crop of naysayers encouraging her to take me to the cleaners. I also wanted to show her that I really did love her. I asked God for some inspiration and suddenly remembered how I had planned to take her on a trip to some place she had never been. Except she would be going alone to help her get some space.

I sent her on a fun packed trip to Colorado by cashing in my frequent flyer and hotel miles. She went for a week. It cost me about $600 bucks. As she was leaving she actually responded “I love you too” sincerely for the first time in many months to my usual “I love you”. She was gone 7 days - I took off the whole week to watch the kiddos while she was gone.

This gesture was completely opposite of the workaholic penny pinching fellow she was used to. My friends’ wife found out and informed me that it was absolute genius and that we would be just fine. Two days after she returned it seemed like everything had become like a new relationship (that initial bliss in any new relationship). Your mileage may vary, but this sure did help us out.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons as follows:

1.) Gifts can be offensive if you never gave them before. Too little too late.

2.) Everyone needs different kinds of gifts (i.e., I love yous, roses, doing the dishes, the horizontal polka, backrubs, or whatever). You need to figure out what kind of gifts your sweetheart is most receptive to. For example, my wife used to buy me clothes and cologne for Christmas. I can relate to this because clothes and cologne mean nothing to me, but her sending me a text message with “I love you” (words of affirmation) makes my whole day.

The different kinds of gifts are outlined in this book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (14 hits). I read this one, it is a quick read and you can get the idea after reading a couple chapters. While this is a good book (recommended by most folks I’ve talked to), it seems to me that it would only be useful at certain stages in a divorce. It seems like it would be more useful after you manage to rekindle your relationship or shortly before she decides to file for divorce. It did have some fun albeit cheesy love games. The best thing I remember about it was some guy who was told that his wife wanted his help washing the clothes. He couldn’t understand how that would make her feel loved, but once he understood he responded something to the effect - if that’s all it takes then I’ll wash the clothes every day!

In summary - I’d figure out what she likes and if you are in a heap of trouble it had better be selfless, good, and make you vulnerable.

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