Glass Gloves

Okay, this one jumped out at me.

Pro 18:18 The lot settles disputes, And separates between the mighty.

I was thinking about how to make joint decisions without either of us feeling resentful. I mean we are two people, somehow some way there are going to be things we don’t agree on. Still not sure yet, but maybe this is an easy solution to avoiding contention in the home. Pray on this one I will.

Another principle…. affirm your husband (spouse??) when He is present and when he is not present.  Surely this is a dual rule. Dont’ be quick to assume the very worst about his/her motive.  Philipian 4:8??

I guess I’ll start rolling these into the wiki at some point. I’ve learned some of this stuff from various prosperity gospel teachings. I’m not completely on board with “prosperity” gospel, but at the end of the day many of the principles seem to ring true …. OBEY….. but…. out of LOVE… and He will deliver you. It says so all over the scriptures. Okay, what about Paul? He trusted God and wound up sitting in prison and getting his head lopped off. What did he accomplish though.

The words….. I don’t love you anymore…. that means…. I don’t love the things you do for me anymore. That is not AGAPE. Expectation of a response for your lovingness is not LOVE. This is the part I’ve got to drill into my head. I’ve heard time and time again… women value sacrifice from their husbands.  In a weird sort of way, it ummm “turns them on” I am told. Weird. Weird.

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I had something rather interesting happen to me today that I found slightly amusing. So there I was outside the office having a nice little smoke break. Yeah, I know, I’ve quite about 100 times. Anyway, this guy makes a b-line for me, his clothes are bit disheveled, clearly his purpose is to extract either some change or a smoke from me. I used to work in downtown where many a supposed homeless man prospered from my bleeding heart. So I recognize it right away.

It is just another pattern I guess.

Let’s see what he wants. Is it money, tell me a great story about how needs only a dollar more for a bus ticket, how he is no longer on drugs, or he needs a dollar to go see his son, the list goes on. Now make no mistake, some of those guys have very real stories, but I’ve found that a number of them just make stuff up. Yeah, I give em money anyway - shame on me for supporting their lifestyle, but I figure there has to be one in a hundred who actually needs the money, had a real story, and many of them are mentally ill. I’ve seen some that swat at stuff that isn’t there before.
Some of the more inventive homeless folk in Houston are now asking for money to supply such high ambitions as a college fund for their kids and even just honest - Need money for Beer! I really feel sorry for them though. Imagine being caught up in something like that and not having the will and sometimes the ability to break out of the cycle. What went wrong? I have to admit though, that sometimes I envy these folks a bit. The only thing they really have to worry about is where to sleep and where their next meal comes from.
Well anyway here goes the rest of the story:

Disheveled clothes man: Hey man can I have a cigarette?

Smoke break guy: I guess so.

Disheveled clothes man: How about two, I’ve got a quarter.

Smoke break guy thinks to himself, okay, you don’t have to buy them if I’m giving them to you, but maybe this is some kind of pride thing.

Smoke break guy: Well, you keep that, here’s a couple of smokes.

Disheveled clothes man: Thanks!

Disheveled clothes man: God bless Vietnam vets man, that’s why they’re not fat like you.

Smoke break guy: Puzzled look.

Disheveled clothes man: Realizes what he just said. Big koolaid smile. Slight stutter for split second.
Disheveled clothes man: Continues to smile, But, that’s healthy, take care.

Disheveled clothes man makes haste!

Smoke break guy thinking to himself: You seem a tad bit young to have been in the war man. Very clever though, you never said you were in the war.
Smoke break guy: Bursts out into laughter.

That guy just made my day! To make matters even funnier though, a slim fit woman comes jogging by with her athletic gear on immediately after this whole incident. This is Texas - it is HOT outside right now. I can only imagine how much tougher than me she is to be running in 105 degree heat! If I said the wrong thing, I imagine this girl would clean the pavement with my rear end.
I look up at the sky and say to our Father - so what? You’re saying I’m fat too?

I promptly relayed this story to my wife, but she didn’t seem to appreciate the inherent humor in it. She also says I’m not fat, but I think she’s looking at me through a different set of goggles than the person who just paid me a wonderful compliment and got two of my smokes for free!
Perspective baby.
Still though, there is a deeper lesson here, and that is the one of the downward spiral not unlike what our homeless friend had been experiencing for some time. The same pattern can apply in marital disputes. What happens is the two of you, though you are supposed to act like one, became selfish somehow. It happens. I do it all the time and just keep working towards perfection, but I’m a long way away. He did this, she did this, he did this, from an outsider it looks like two little kids fighting. One of the kids needs to have a maturity growth moment to pull the other one out of the argument, or you could always just have mom and dad stop the fight. Some folks do this for 20-30 years and still never figure it out. Never make it to stage 3 in the marriage that is.
That makes me wonder though. When my children decide they want to argue over something, I’ve found that one of the most effective cures is to have them both sit down and face each other. Eventually, one will smile, and the fight is over about 10 seconds later. I wonder if this could somehow work in a marital argument? I know I mentioned the joke tactic before, but there is just something really powerful about a smile, or staying mad at someone who is being nice to you. It is hard to do, eventually the desire to stay angry can’t stay as long as there is a smile in the way. A smirk on the other hand…. get ready for WWIII. People are so funny!

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Somewhere on this site, I posted an article stating that one of the things that makes my wife get ummm…. frisky, is well just plain old fun. Yeah, I know, I know too much information, but I really believe that many times that part of the marriage is a symptom of how the other parts of the relationship are doing. This may not apply to everyone, but hey, it does to mostly everyone I know so go figure.

When I mean fun, I mean good clean fun, date nights, etc. That kind of stuff. Well this guy seems to have made a science out of it ->

http://www.playfulrelationships.com/CreatePlayfulRelationship.html (114 hits)

and claims to have the experience to boot. I’ve never tried his program, but if he comes to town I think we may check it out.

That reminds me of another concept though. It has to do with arguing. Arguments are so fun. Both parties usually have their blinders on and can’t REALLY see the other person’s point of view, much less ACKNOWLEDGE their flaws and weaknesses, until……………….. someone cracks a joke.

Yeah I know, it sounds stupid, but it seems to work.  You still need to play nicely with this during an argument with a spouse who is trying to bail, that is, don’t over do it. Each argument, I’d give it probably two or three shots at humor, any more than that you have officially become about as funny as a heart attack.

The first shot at it, your spouse will sit there angrily…. trying to hold on to their anger. I’ve got a right to be angry darn it. I’m going to stay angry. Then you deliver that joke and bam, you just loosened them up a bit.

All kinds of crazy brain chemicals or endorphines or whatever they are called are released. Happy brain chemicals start to bathe those oh so angry brain cells in their happiness, and then all of a sudden one of the angry brain cells becomes happy. Next thing you know, all the several angry cells have a bunch of revolting happy cells.

Then just for an instant you see your spouse crack a smile It is usually very faint. It’s kind of looks like ol’ GWB when he’s being serious. You know he’s being serious, but the guy looks like he has a faint smirk on all the time. If you’ve seen the pres of the US on TV, you should now have a visual of what I’m talking about.
Then the angry cells realize what is going on and squelch this little rebellion of the happy cells. Now is a good time for you to say…. “I saw a smile!”… then back off, don’t overdo it. Now your spouse is contemplating what to do about this……Back off Back off or you’re going to ruin it. If you did it right, they’ll smile just a bit more and try to be all bashful about it. Awwwww.. how cute, they’re trying to stay angry. Don’t say that though, otherwise you’ll get a nice punch to the groin or a frying pan upside your head. Really you shouldn’t be thinking that, but you know you were for a split second.
Now you do something completely off the wall….. you say, “look, I don’t want to argue with you, I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but I really do love you. I tell you what. I’m going to take some time to think about what you have to say. Is that okay with you?”. Your spouse is still angry, but for just a split second they weren’t. Leave it at that and see if you can’t turn that split second into something bigger once you really and truly try to see things from their point of view over a day or so.

Congratulations, you’ve just left the argument on somewhat of a good tone, not the best but better than what it would have been, and now you can go do some more soul searching. Consider carefully, what your spouse had to say.

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Awhile back I had a fiery red head for a girl friend which certainly made for some interesting experiences. I thought I would retell one of them as an intro into another concept I just learned the other day about women - well at least my wife to the degree that she represents all of womankind.

This ex-girlfriend and I were returning back to our place of dwelling from a lengthy stay at her parents’ house. Part way through the trip she told me that this was the part where we needed to talk about our relationship. She explained to me that this is something that women do and not to worry about it and it was just part of being involved with her. While I was glad that she was kind enough to share this emotional logic with me, I wasn’t over joyed at the thought of talking about feelings. Fairly normal guy behaviour as I understand it. So she prodded and indicated in a very kind manner how important this was, but I just couldn’t do it. I can best describe it as being similar to stage fright. Talking about feelings…. what? Why don’t you ask me to become a ballerina and dance around in front of you wearing a pink tutu while you are at it.

I was driving along and spied an upcoming obstruction in the road. My eyes are a bit “far-sighted” so identified what the obstruction was before she did. As I got closer I realized it was a paper sack and I quickly swerved to avoid it much to her surprise. As she looked back she realized what it was and became quite entertained at the idea of me swerving to avoid a paper sack.

Not to go into a lengthy discourse on my thought processes, but I tended to look at things from a worst case perspective. What she saw as an ordinary paper sack - I saw as potentially being a container for a pipe bomb. Yeah I know I’m crazy - thanks for reminding me Any hoo, I’ve never been one to really hide my thoughts so I told her exactly what I was thinking. I told her I had heard stories on the news etc. about people placing pipe bombs along side cars, outside office buildings, etc. and just on the 1 in a kajillion chance - I wanted to avoid this paper sack, which wasn’t moving with the wind, in case it also had a pipe bomb. Ted Kazinsky or however you spell his name seems to have left a lasting impression.

She immediately broke out into laughter. You see, at the time, she seemed to enjoy my quirks, which this was just another example of how goofy I can be. Being a bit of the adventurous type she realized this was an opportunity to get me to talk about feelings. Instead of talking about feelings she asked me to sing her a song about feelings and pipe bombs. She thought this was so funny that she asked me this for about 30 minutes on the way home. She even promised various heightened sexual experiences, etc. I wasn’t biting.
Talking about feelings though… well I learned this from an old girl friend who was kind enough to educate me. So my wife and I talked about feelings this weekend. She informed me that women have more complex emotions than guys. Okay… I think I’ve figured that much out or another way to say it is that women sometimes aren’t as analytical if we want to generalize some more. She continued though… you see.. guys have love, anger, hate, sad, happy, but with women it is more than that. She continued… we have love, hate, sad, happy, frustration, anger, confusion. I said “What?”. Confusion is an emotion? Yes. Whoaoaha. What a mind job. But wait, why are you breaking out frustration separately from anger? I started thinking. I remember reading somewhere once that women are able to discern more colors than men. Okay. This was a break through. I’ve found the key to understanding women - perhaps. Then I pressed on, what about frustration. Is that actually separate from anger? I know with me that anger almost always stems from frustration that has gone on too long and sometimes it is difficult to separate the two. She responded… I can be frustrated for a long time and not be angry until you decide to press buttons. Then it turns into anger. Wow. That explains so many things… for example why do some women put up with belligerent cheating husbands for a quarter of a century at least? I guess they just have that ability according to my wife.

This also explains something else a bit more. You see I’ve written time and time again that your wife may say things like “Yes - we’re still getting the divorce” while it still being okay to hold hands, etc. This is utterly confusing to us guys. How can you have one foot in the pool and one out? I guess because confusion is an emotion. Why can’t you tell me that you love me - yet you will sleep in the same bed or even have sex…etc. My wife did these same things to me when we were going through the rough period. She couldn’t say she loved me. She was waiting to see what her feelings would do, but a part of her still cared for me. I love you but I’m not in love with you. Guys…. don’t press too hard once they are in this stage. If you talk about the problems of the marriage or think of yourself as a couple at this stage it is kind of like trying to “make it to 3rd base” on the first date. Remember, her heart is cold still, but a part of her that is buried deep down in there still cares for you a little bit. The rest of her pretty much hates you and if you try to make it to 3rd base, well…. it is just as insulting as trying to get a nice seemingly pure church going girl into your bed before you are married. It is like becoming overzealous for that first kiss. It is “presumptuous”. Go see that movie hitch to see what I mean.

I did all of this story telling just to get you back to the conversation between my wife and I. My wife has a habit of saying she wants to do something a certain way that will affect both of us, but often lacks the words to describe what that reason is. I like to get to the right answer, make sure we are doing the right thing, etc. so I’ll typically take us through a nice round of devil’s advocate to make sure we are making the right decision. The problem here is that this won’t work. She won’t be able to explain her reasons in terms of logic, because the real reason is something more difficult to explain. It is emotion. I’ve now coined the term, Emotional Logic, to describe our solution to this apparent road block in the decision making process at times. I now short circuit my devil’s advocate approach as much as I can and ask her to just explain to me the emotional side of why she does or doesn’t want to do what we are discussing. Saves us at least 30 minutes and I don’t have time to get frustrated with her apparently poor reasoning skills (my perspective). It is a different kind of reasoning you see.

Do you feel me? I think therefore I am. Right is right and wrong is wrong. So many aspects of the human condition and your marital relationship can not be reasoned with so if I were you, I’d avoid the “Pleading my case” strategy for saving your marriage. Work on appealing to her emotions instead. She already knows she’s going to be worse off without you, but she’d rather be worse off given how you have made her FEEL. Do you understand now?

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Everybody pray for Ray’s marriage - he seems to have headed back into the danger zone.

I’m going to describe a related situation so that you guys can get some understanding here. First of all let me describe the situation.

Ray and Mrs. Ray each had computer of their own. Mrs. Ray was moving out. Mrs. Ray asked Mr. Ray to sell her computer (~3 years old). Instead of selling it, Mr. Ray exchanged the computer for the services of someone to help them move from their local church. Mrs. Ray found out that Mr. Ray had exchanged the computer instead of selling it.

I asked my wife about this to better understand Mrs. Ray’s anger and I also asked several other women about this. Mind you these are southern women so I’m not sure if there may be some cultural differences here that could skew the opinions a bit.

Any hoo, I asked my wife, if I had exchanged the computer instead of selling it - would she be angry with me. She responded - it depends upon the agreement that was made. So I asked her, the thing has no value for all intents and purposes - it is an old computer, it might as well be this here bananna on the counter. Would that make a difference if it were this bananna? Again, she said it depends on the agreement that was made. Mrs. Ray may have intended that the bananna be used for a desert later and if he just got rid of it he would be being an inconsiderate butt. But, it is just a bananna right?

Well I guess we have turned our for argument sake bananna into a bananna split. I really had a hard time understanding how it would be possible for someone to get angry over this, but then I asked my wife what if the situation were reversed. Would I be justified in my anger if the situation were reversed. Yes. Yeah, I don’t buy that, but okay. Do you mean that if I got angry over a bananna I would be justified. Yes. Okay, I’ve got her backed into a corner - she’s not making sense anymore so I better ease up. She then countered with - well what if it were a computer program and you had some other programmer come up and look at your program and he added all this code that blew away the original purpose of you computer - would that make you angry. Hrmm - I’m starting to get it now. Value is relative. Perception is reality.
Well, let’s ask Mom about the subject. My mom is divorced so what does she know about this stuff right, but I figured she has been around longer than me so let’s give it a try. Mom agreed with me for the most part, but did point out a few things. She indicated that some women who have been house wives do not always understand the value of something. Okay, I could see that - surrounded by kids all day long, not out there in the business world, that makes sense.
Depending upon Mrs. Ray’s point of view she may have expected to receive much more than what the computer was actually worth. For those not in the know - computing equipment typically depreciates at a rate of 40% per year - so after 3 years this computer (assuming it was purchased for $1000) may have been worth about $200 provided that you could get someone to pay that much. You can now get a new computer for about $200-$300 bucks so I’m not really sure that a buyer could be matched to this particular seller. I think Mr. Ray understood this, but did Mrs. Ray or perhaps she was intending on using the money to buy her a new computer if she could find a buyer foolish enough to pay $200 for an old one. Mr. Ray values the computer at about $75. My wife understood this part once it was explained to her, my mom got it right away because she was responsible for procuring computers for my dad’s business when I was growing up. Did Mrs. Ray have this explained to her and more importantly why jump to the conclusion that the seller of this particular computer is an inconsiderate butt - it sounds like he was trying to do something good here, but again it all depends upon the agreement that was made and the perception of value on both sides.

An even bigger question though is this - look at this little bitty thing. We are turning a mountain into a mole hill. It is just a $75 dollar computer, but for some people that is a lot of money and perhaps it is for Mrs. Ray in her new planned single life style. That will be enough to buy her a new blender and make some bananna daquiris  with those crazy little umbrellas or perhaps is it that she is torn between divorcing Mr. Ray and staying with him and if he can’t respect this simple agreement then how can she trust him with something bigger? Is that her point of view?

While I was on the phone with my mom she was telling me a story she had heard about another woman who didn’t understand the value of a $. My mom explained that this man was purchasing a house, but they were getting a horrible interest rate. 11%. I was floored. 11%. This is the year 2007 after all. That is highway robbery.  They might as well rent a house.
The man cheerily responded - yeah, well she wants this house and if Mama is not happy then nobody is happy - and besides after two years we’ll get it refinanced. We’ll rebuild our credit from this hit, but our marriage must survive. I learned that after losing my first wife and I’m not going to let it happen again.

I did almost the same thing this time, but I certainly didn’t go for an 11% interest rate. I got her the best house we could get. It was wild - I knew it was the one when I saw it and when she walked in about a week later - she said we had no need to look at any other houses. Well, I’m glad we share the same taste in houses, but this raises and interesting point.

I asked my wife - would you be willing to live in a tent with me? Yes, of course, if I had to. So… you always say that you don’t want me working as hard, etc. But let me ask you this, would you be willing to live in a tent if I was able to be around more instead of working? I could be here all the time if we didn’t have to worry about the ol’ mortgage payment - I priced one out. We’ve got our land paid for - we could just live in a tent and make the paltry payment of about 100-200 a month and I’d be home all time. We could live village style with a nice thatched roof hut. Would you be up for that? No. So you’d rather have me work and not be around as much than live in a tent. Yes. Interesting. It seems there is a balance in there somewhere and as a married couple we are to spend our whole lives fine tuning that balance and making it better. Whoever said this was going to be easy? I was going to add another cheesy punch line about bananna splits or something, but just wasn’t feeling creative enough today to forge anymore puns. Feel free to finish with a cheesy pun….

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If you’ve ever read the about (107 hits) section of this site, you would know that I’m trying to build up enough stories and data to help folks trying to stop a divorce, save a marriage, etc. Well I think someone may have written a book that will help not only for preventative maintenance, but helping understand your woman better and her to understand you which will ultimately help understand how to get out of this mess. I think some of the tactics will change because most likely she is in her “alter mean ego” still, but as the nice side of her pops in and out - I just think some of this stuff would be useful.

You see, I stated previously that I was reading a book (93 hits) about women, called for men only, and that sometimes my wife is still a mystery female to me. She also confessed that she didn’t always understand my preoccupation with the horizontal polka, but was respectful of my needs anyway.

The version (entitled “for women only”)

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that she is reading must be awesome, because she is now understanding many things about me as a guy, that she had accepted before, but never really understood why. She is now seeking to understand even better what makes us guys tick and seems to have come to some sort of realization or Eureka moment on many of my past behaviors. Guys, if your lady doesn’t get you - get this book for her and you get the guy’s version. Don’t forget about not pushing, but I bet she won’t be able to resist this book. Girls - the version for your man (for men only) has a section on sex in it - if you can’t get your guy to open the book, just leave it on that section and it may be enough to draw him in.

Awesome stuff - it even has stats on what the heck women want and are thinking. All guys like stats and how to get more sex, right?

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Did you and your wife freak out at some point because you thought you didn’t have anything in common? I know my wife and I did. This whole concept of freaking out over not having anything in common is explained in greater depth in the “Save the Marriage (244 hits)” ebook that I read in the first phase of trying to save my marriage (984 hits), but I thought it would be helpful to have a story framed around it from when our problems really started to surface.

If you are at a similar stage, then maybe this post will open your eyes to everything you don’t know or thought you knew about marriage

Right before my wife went to see a divorce lawyer the first time (this was about 9 months before she really filed) we were talking one night about the marital struggles we were having.

• Why do we argue all the time?
• Why can’t we get along?
• Why can’t we agree on anything?

Eventually I came to the conclusion that it was because we had nothing in common. The big doofus that I am - I told her that we really had nothing in common.

A few weeks later she told me she went to see a divorce lawyer and wanted a divorce. I talked her out of it somehow the first time, but it did send a rift in our relationship. I was no longer able to say what I was really thinking for fear of upsetting her delicate eggshells. I was truly worried that we had nothing in common and so, the male that I am, I decided to fix the problem.

First we started taking language lessons - specifically Czech. She told me she had no interest in this, but we started going anyway. We learned enough Czech to be dangerous and say a few sentences. It was fun for awhile, but then she later confided that she really didn’t like it. Duh - she told me this from the beginning. I was focusing on things I wanted to do.

Then I tried to get her involved in my gardening. She would help me prepare the garden, tear up the earth, and occasionally plant the seeds - all the while I was getting upset because she really didn’t know the first thing about gardening, plants, etc. and was not quite helping in the manner I had hoped. It felt like she was just participating just to humor me and make some kind of an effort. Of course, we got into an argument over that as well. She later confided that she had no interest in this.

Then we tried hanging out the back porch sipping on a couple of ice cold brews without the kids around, but eventually I got bored with that. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, I just wanted some variety.

We were searching and searching to find something in common and each time our search was fruitless we became more convinced that something was wrong with our marriage.

Now I realize it doesn’t work that way. The really cool part is that, that is part of the beauty of becoming “one”. She has interests, strengths, and weaknesses that complement me and I her. The dynamic makes for a more interesting pair. It is like we fill in each other’s gaps, but previously were not experienced enough or too prideful to see it that way. I’ve always heard about this phenomenon from “happily married” couples, but thought it was hogwash.

Now I know better - our combination of differences is actually a work of art.

We now become engaged in each other’s interests not because it is important to us as an individual, but because it is important to our spouse. Errr - stated another way - I am interested in what she is interested in because it is interesting to her and vice versa. We do try things that would be mutually interesting to both of us just on the surface and have found a couple that work for us. Sometimes you just have to keep looking, but don’t get upset if you never find these types of “common” interests. While it could have some advantages, I don’t think I’d really want to live with another version of me.

Activities and interests aside, you still have a lot in common though you may not realize it. You share the same home, possibly kids, and I imagine that you may even share most of the same spiritual beliefs.

This also brings us to the subject of compromise. I used to think of this as “You get to mess with my life if I get to mess with yours”. Nice attitude, Shohn. Compromise is just a solution to a problem - all males should understand that. There are going to be some things that you as a couple never agree on until possibly years down the marriage and even then only if you are lucky. That doesn’t mean it is the end of the world. Balance is the key.

I know that as a man, I wanted to make a gajillion dollars early on so that my kids wouldn’t have to worry about paying for college, etc. There is a flip side to that though. If I work so hard that my kids turn out to be little devils, then they won’t be going to school anyway, right? I had to find a balance and ultimately I quit worrying so much about trying to “take over the world”. I find that I am more relaxed, work goes smoother, and I’m much happier. Not that I was ever discontent, but it just seems like I’m not worried about stuff all the time now.

If you are in a tough spot with your marriage you may need to awaken on this concept.

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This post will be a bit crass, but it is reality for most men. Ladies - consider this counter intelligence and counter intelligence!

I can honestly say that this is one area that I have been fortunate enough to have had an understanding wife. She understand this part of the male psyche, that we are often a visual creature, etc.

Let’s just get to it - why do guys look at womens’ rear end (160 hits) as they pass by or sometimes focus on the cleavage during conversation?

I honestly don’t know. I guess we’re just hard-wired that way - well most of us. This used to frustrate me so much. It is actually a habit in myself that I have been trying to vanquish for years. I’m almost there, but it still pops up from time to time.

My wife and I would be sitting down at dinner or something and an attractive woman would walk by. I would actually catch myself observing the rear end of the attractive woman as she walked by. My wife would catch me red handed, but was smart enough to know that it almost an uncontrollable / unconscious thing with me and for most men. She would then proceed to poke a little fun at me - the big ape that I am.

My wife had a girl friend that didn’t see it that way though. Her friend would catch her fella doing something like that at a dinner outing and would blow a gasket. The whole night would be ruined I am told. Maybe her hubby is just “blatant and no tact” about it though. I can just imagine him whipping out a camera to take a few pics home while he was at it.

Now what I can say is this - I honestly make an effort not to do this sort of thing. I want to have eyes for only one woman - my wife. To look on another woman is a quality in myself that I find revolting, but I have accepted that at times - it happens and fortunately my wife doesn’t rake me over the coals when it does happen.

I’ve talked about this phenomenon with my wife at great length. I even asked her one time - “Why do women show cleavage in the work place?” It bugs me sometimes because it seems to be distracting in a work environment. She informed me that it is often just a result of the clothing that is commonly available now a days - they can’t help it.

Now guys here’s the rub - if you do get caught in the act on this - don’t deny it to your sweetheart - especially if she’s a bit insecure. It is a futile effort - just explain that it just a male thing and that you have no intentions of leaving her and for heaven’s sake at least work on it.

Now that we have gotten this far I thought that this may help some of you guys relate to your lady. You see - just in as much as there are almost uncontrollable urges for you to turn your head as a good looking girl walks by, women have their own set of emotional things that are difficult for them to control.

Us guys like to put all of our emotions in a nice little box and say “There - isn’t that neat and organized”. It doesn’t always work that way for them and they can control some of those emotions just about as well as we can resist turning our head! They have something called “memory popups” - that just surface out of nowhere and cause them emotional affliction. My wife had one of these the other day on the way to her parents’ house for Christmas. I asked “Can you just leave it alone?” - yeah eventually she will, but she just doesn’t quite have as tight a handle on the emotions created by old memories.

I never understood that part until I read the book below given to me as a Christmas present by my wife’s folks. Coincidentally, I opened the book right up to the section that talked about this phenomenon after we had just had this problem on the way to her parent’s house. Weird.

It is an awesome book, but probably most useful to you for explaining past behaviors and for marriage maintenance mode. I think this book would be extremely useful for someone who has quite a bit of resentment built up (i.e., your spouse that is trying to leave). It explains a number of things that are probably contributing to your spouse’s resentment. Ladies there is a counterpart for you too called “for women only”. My wife is reading it - we’ll see how it goes.

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My wife and I have never really fought big-time over money - we’ve been fortunate in that regard; however, it has certainly been a part of several heated debates that went nowhere.

My wife likes to manage our money the old fashioned way - she uses a check book and one of those check register thingies that I know how to use, but have never been disciplined enough to mess with. I always just have a rough idea of how much money is in our account - I don’t need it down to the last cent to understand whether or not a check is going to clear. I just do a quick review of the statement to look for anything that looks funny - “Hey why is there a check to a lawyer in here?”.

We still have disagreements on how we should spend the money at times, but I did learn a little secret about women, trust, and money.

She wanted a new van. One of those new fangled Fords with fold up seats and what not. I did the math before hand and knew that economically - it wasn’t a viable option for us. Even with the improved fuel economy it wouldn’t make sense. Even if fuel were $5 a gallon - it wouldn’t make sense. We were still “upside down” on the note with our existent van.

Instead of telling her this though (or defeating her little dream) - I trusted her to make the right decision. We went down to the dealership and she talked to the saleman, went on a test drive, and fell in love with a new van - until she saw the price tag after they calculated the payments.

Wow - I trusted her to make the right decision and she did. Weird. That doesn’t mean she will always get it my way, but at what cost is having it “my way”. The little trip to the dealership cost us about $20 in fuel, but paid back huge dividends in demonstrating that I trusted her.

Now - it doesn’t always work out that easily for some couples right? My grandfather has maintained that one should always look out after one’s own money even while married. He and my grandmother have had separate checking accounts for well over 50 years. They have been married for well over 50 years. The beauty of this arrangement is that it helps that spouse who just can’t control themselves with the “our” money concept. By having to manage their own money - it becomes more real and allows them the freedom that they may be looking for. This is just one solution - there may be others.
My wife and I do this partially, but only so that we won’t know what the other bought for Christmas We still use one main account to pay bills.

• Guys - women like to “eyeball” stuff sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they want to buy it. Sometimes they are just dreaming a bit. There may be guys like that too, but I’ve only met one.
• Ladies - just remember when you say that you want something - it triggers an almost immediate problem solving mode in us guys - at least it does for me! Once we realize the problem can’t be solved - we may just get upset unless we are in the know about the previous rule.

and We now try to make financial decisions “our way”, it is sometimes a challenge - but well worth it. She now trusts me to perform the pure Return On Investment (ROI) analysis, and I trust her on the “family benefit” things not always captured by ROI!

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My wife went to the kiddos Christmas party at school just awhile ago.
So…. my wife calls me up and says “Honey, I forgot the camera.”

Immediately I begin thinking - “Does she want me to bring it?”, but I provide no answer.
After a brief pause she says “Is there anyway you could bring the camera up here?”

I immediately begin laughing. My wife has maintained that she hardly ever uses indirect communication. We have talked about this in the past - so this is a glaringly obvious example of indirect communication - a bit of irony. Maybe it isn’t funny to you, but you can at least learn from it.

By saying, “Honey, I forgot the camera” she was actually saying to me “Can you bring the camera?” In my experience that is a more female form of communication that sometimes us guys just miss.
While I recognize that in this instance it is obvious what she was asking - there are other times it may not be so. Does your wife sometimes use indirect communication and you miss what she is saying because you are a guy?

Something to think about.

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