I thought this was an excellent Living Scripture from a friend of mine named Beth:

One must be careful with the concept of “help.” I once took my young children to a museum where there was an exhibit of baby chicks that were in
the process of hatching. My middle daughter reached over and began to peal away the shell from what she perceived to be a struggling chick. The
attendant quickly chastised her for doing so. She knelt down on my daughters level, and explained to her that the chick NEEDED to struggle it’s
OWN way out of the shell in order to build the muscles to live properly. She explained that if helped, the chick would either be crippled, or could
die as a result of being “helped.”

I think this could have a similar significance in the marriage restoration. Let’s be real. I have no idea what is going to happen next. We had some minor quakes occur on the 7th and 8th – we spoke twice on both days – for a record breaking 7 minutes on the 8th. She requested my help with involving our kids for the first time in almost 1.5 years and wasn’t asking for money. This was huge for her to involve me. It was the first time we had spoken at any length for almost 2 months. A random event is what spurned the phone call – it came out of the blue.

Haven’t heard from her since. I realize that there are certain lessons that she is needing to learn and I want to help her, but each time I am robbing her of the needed lessons. Counter balancing this with the understanding that our kids need their mother and their father. It is a very fine line to walk. When I first started this journey I had a different definition of love than what I have now. There is a time to interfere and there is a time to sit back and allow a person the freedom to learn things on their own. My pesky ego wants to take control and say we could solve this whole thing in 1-2 months, yet God has me prohibited from doing so.

One of the things I’ve learned is to try and package truth with love. Over the course of the last year she has done certain things that I disagreed with and it probably came off as judgmental to her. I’ve been trying to learn how to better package what I write in a manner that can be received, yet is still truth. It seems that by delivering truth, I become tested at a similar level. Something will happen and I’ll be tested. If I can remain aware long enough and realize it is a test, then I can make a more informed decision and discern potential outcomes.

What is really weird, is when I respond with love – whatever barb were thrown my way – seem to magically disappear a short while later as though someone or something is up there intervening. If I respond with haste, or without love – it blows up in my face – every single time.

Moving on….

So was the astrology stuff right? Yeah on some levels it was right on the money. The 7th and 8th were pretty big. I started doing a search of history and found that it was used by all sorts of smart fellows and theologians alike. Heck, even the founder of what is now Citibank used it. However, in a similar way as everything else, what I am finding is that there is A LOT of junk out there. There is a lot of misuse, but it DOES give one the ability to better understand one’s self. This in turn can allow one to actually LOVE people. I don’t mean the hip new age all you need is love mantra preached by some aspects of our culture. I mean loving people from where they are at. It is easier said than done, but when you begin to understand why people are they way they are – it helps. It helps in understanding that your spouse is in many ways your EXACT opposite and thinks exactly opposite you. There is probably a reason for that.

I recently read about a bishop in the Catholic Church denied Christian burial for having an astrology book under his pillow when he died. I’m finding many more interesting tidbits such as this the more I dig.

I also thought that this was something that should certainly make me think (posted with permission):

In 1972, my sisters husband was murdered. I found her and her 4 children a home in my neighborhood. I had only been studying astrology for about a year or two. I saw that my husband (at the time) would be sexually attracted to her from the chart that I worked on her. I fretted about that. My Scorpio planets and that Cancer ascendant were working overtime with the imagination and the suspicions. I went to see Joy Tally, a well known psychic in Virginia Beach. She voiced all the fears that was in my mind, told me that my husband and sister would have an affair. A year passed. My sister and her family adjusted nicely in my neighborhood. My husband hardly paid any attention to my most gorgeous sister (I live with her now) It never happened. Then one day a fellow astrology student and I were going over a chart or two in my dining room. My sister stopped by and saw her chart on the table.

“Joyce, I wasn’t born that year. I was born in —–” The psychic told me what was in my head and the thoughts were wrong. She was expensive, but the lesson was, indeed, very valuable.

What does that tell you, Mary? Some psychics can read your mind and think that your thoughts are the truth. Charts are often mis-interpreted too.

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We all may do this to some degree. You ask someone a question. Testing. Testing. Testing. Awaiting the response. Measuring reaction time. Hesitation may indicate the answer. Generally it is in the form of a yes/no question. I had to use questions like these when I was an auditor. Unfortunately, some of it got brought into my home life rather unwittingly.

Try this one out sometime. Let’s say you have a potential hiree you are interviewing. You check out the references. Companies now a days no longer say anything good or bad about a former employee for fear of being sued. At least here in the States. You want to know though – what was this guy like at his old job. Call up his former manager…. talk about the gentleman or woman in question. Then throw the question – “Would you hire him again?”. Measure reaction time…………………………………. If there is hesitation it would generally be perceived as a no.

How do you distinguish contemplation from hesitation though? What if the former manager was just trying to decide whether it was appropriate to divulge that information or not?

This used to bug the heck out of me early on in our relationship. I’d ask a question. The response would sometimes come a minute or two later.

Example:

Do you like jolly ranchers or lollipops better?

………. tick…………………………………..tick…………………queue the Jeapordy theme song………………………… well…. I’m really not sure.

Come on lady – get off the fence!

Let’s try it again…..

Do you like jolly raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………….. she replies yes! ……………nchers?

How about something more complicated?

Do ewe want to stay in the marriage or not?

Way to put her on the spot duffus. Measuring reaction time. Why is she not saying yes. Why is she not saying yes. Why is she not saying yes. Why is she not saying yes. Get off the fence! By forcing the answer – you will get negative response as minor form of back draft resentment. Doh! You really want to ask that question though right? No!

Don’t ever ask that question ….. mmmmm k! It is sort of like hanging out in the bathroom while your spouse has to go number 2. Gross. Would you hang out in the bathroom while you were dating? What changed then? I’m still trying to figure that one out.

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I got this from a forum I hang out on. It seems to fit to the tee some of of the problems that plagued my marriage. I liked this one, because it pretty well cuts to the chase. There were other issues going on of course, but this was a biggie. I had termed this “emotional logic” awhile back, but I think this guy offers a much better explanation as follows:

In the first place, you have to understand that your wife has very different abilities than you do, and in most women these natural feminine abilities are dormant and undeveloped because they are forced to live in a linear male-dominated world. If a woman gets an intuitive insight, she is often mocked, unless she can explain it from a linear perspective. Since the ONLY intellectual standard is linear derived, what see sees and feels from a feminine perspective has no place in the intellectual world. Further, the centers of mind that provide her with intuitive insights, do not function in a linear manner. And the moment it is demanded that the woman explain either her insight, or how and why she has arrived at that insight, the center of mind that provides them this insight immediately shuts down — or is overridden by their own much weaker linear centers of mind. And when the woman is confronted by some testosterone powered demand that she explain and substantiate her insight, the intuitive centers of mind begin to build a wall of protection.

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New feelings occurring. These are different. I think they call it “letting go”. I had written about this last year. Thought I knew all about it, but it is different this time.

The anxiety about the future seems to have gone away. Yes, I prayed for this to happen. Several times in fact. It scared me at first. “Am I no longer loving my wife?” I said to myself. Peace, calm, not even worried about the future. I kept beating myself up for a bit. Is something wrong with me? Where is that oh so strong ” I want my teddy bear back” feeling? I kept praying – “Am I doing something wrong here?”. Shouldn’t I feel that crazy tug at my heart the way I was? I spoke with several others about this. It is a part of the process apparently…..  almost as though my emotions have had Jesus style anathesia placed on them.  I found myself getting angry with myself…. come back super strong emotional tug at heart always keeping me up at night. Nope,  Elvis has left the building.

In place of it though, a different kind of love seems to be settling in. It is a type that I’ve preached and preached about, but am perhaps wondering if I really ever knew what I was talking about. The purpose of this site is really to document the journey so that others may be able to relate with the ebb and flow of the emotions and the restoration of their own marriages. So that is why I write this today. I’m still not completely understanding what is going on… and I’ll admit. It bugs me a bit that I seem to have almost grown numb, but I yet I notice a different kind of love jumping in. Oh… the wife is away… yeah I miss her, but bless her heart I really hope she has a good week this week. Golly, it must be really tough on her right now, poor thing. I better pray for more and more blessings on her. Pray for her self-esteem. Pray for her well-being.
I’ve been told about this. That once this happens, that is when the emotional tug on her heart actually starts in a much bigger way. Some sort of weird metaphysical dynamic out there in spiritual space – remembering that we are still one though separated.

Yes, I’ll continue to pray and fast for her,  but it is different now.  I’m told that as spouses makes the decision to come home, it is usually “suddenly”. Thus, I keep the house nice and tidy just in case she decides to come home or even drop in for dinner one night.
I sense that right now she needs some more space so I’m backing off a bit.

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Okay, I had mentioned the Narcotics Anonymous meeting that I had observed the other day. Well anyway, those guys had some pretty prescriptive stuff for getting off of that kind of stuff. I mean, for real, I think it is hard not calling my wife right now. At least, I’m not trying to get rid of an extreme chemical dependency at the same time. Now that is tough. Anyway, they had a set of principals or a path for getting off of narcotics. I hope I’m not reinventing the wheel here, but  I couldn’t help but notice many parallels to my own journey to restore our marriage and that of Narcotics Anonymous. This may be the first of a series of posts of helping to put together a more prescriptive plan and just letting God do the work rather than read 100 books about relationships and psychology and personalities like I did. That can help, but at the end of the day nothing I have tried even remotely compares to what has occurred in my marriage whenever God moved His mighty hand. I say that with great confidence. You can go to all the counselling in the world and read all the books in the world and it can help to some degree, but…. it still doesn’t match the power of my God. He is able.
It starts with turning to God. Somehow some way it has to start there.

Here is what I have learned so far.

1.) To turn to God – you need to know Him. A good place to start is His Word. Read the Scriptures every day. That means in your hand – tangible. At least 15 minutes – the more you can the better. Suggest starting with Acts, then all of Proverbs, Read it real fast at first, then slow down maybe and zoom in taking a second pass, then a third pass. You’ll pick up new things each time.

2.) Read the Whole Bible. Yup the whole thing. Think of it as a “survey course” at first. You have the rest of your life to zoom in, but for now you need to see the big picture and to understand the whole story. You need to experience the “climax” in the story to “get it” or get a glimpse of what He is all about.
3.) Accept Yahweh, God, Lord Jesus, Yeshua the Annointed, Yeshua Messiah, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God. You have to knock, seek, and ask. This is personal.  Doesn’t have a whole lot to do with whatever denominational beliefs you’ve been brainwashed with. Those are just walls. Nothing wrong with fellowship and what not, just don’t get so focused on cleaning the windows that you block the view. Get the idea? This is between you and Him and noone else. This is in the heart. My experience was something like a tremendous weight being lifted followed by lots of crying for my sins, followed by a sincere effort to change, followed by lots of wacky coincidences and answered prayers, followed by sincere and deep rooted empathy for people I didn’t even know (Oh my God they’re going to hell I need to tell them about God before it is too late), followed by joy and peace with the odd my wife is leaving me panic attack mixed in now and then. Not that my experiences should form the basis for yours, but you should start to see evidence that something is happening within your heart and your life. A changed life. A transformation of sorts. Watch out for the new believer self-righteous and haughty syndrome. Also, be advised that new believers seem to have a track record of getting their prayers answered a lot. So watch the arrogance once it starts happening k.
4.) Study the Our Father prayer. Live it, breathe it, understand it, pray it. The message is really that simple. Mix in your own words but apply the principal of the prayer. Not cold and metallic style, but rather as though you are speaking to someone who is both your friend, Dad, Mom, counselor, protector, spouse, and God all rolled into one. The last part was so you don’t forget to be reverent.
5.) You need to unbind any  curses (see Mosaic Laws in Old Testament for curse examples, and study themes throughout bible) that may still be affecting both your heart and your marriage. Think of it as old sins that you haven’t had cleansed or sins from others that may affect you. Now all of these things need to be done with your “heart in the right place”. Try not to bribe God – it backfires most the time in my experience. Literally sit down, search your soul, and WRITE down anyone you have ever hurt…. with the following….
a.) Harsh words you’ve said or others have said about people or your marriage.
b.) Not “Honoring” your mother and father. If they’re not a believer you can still honor them, mmm’k, you just have to be a bit more careful with what you say.
c.) Racism (being adverse to those with a different socioeconomic status that yourself)
d.) Injuring the innocent (abortion ring a bell?)
e.) Not helping the poor

f.) Being double minded (saying one thing – doing another)
g.) there are others, but I’ll revise this list at version 0.2

3.) Now, go back through the list above and identify anyone who has hurt you. Add to the list if you need to. Especially your spouse. Write down what they have done to hurt you and… this is very important, forgive them. You’ll probably have a hard time getting prayers answered until you learn to forgive. Sorry, I didn’t make up the rules so blame your Maker.

4.) Call or visit each person that you can…and seek forgiveness for your wrongs, not theirs. Don’t be pushy about it. Be careful for there is a time and place for seeking forgiveness and you’ll need to sense when your spouse is ready for it. Don’t be all pitiful as you do this, but just be real and most importantly sincere. If you don’t believe you are in the wrong for some things, really try to understand their point of view. Heck, put on a set of pumps and bra if you are guy to get an appreciation for what women go through (just kidding). Strap a bowling ball to your stomach and try walking around with it all day. Drink something to cause you to have kidney stones so you have some idea what it is like having a baby. Get the idea? Those are extreme examples, but the idea is to really look yourself over in the mirror and then seek out forgiveness. You may have to swallow a lot of pride. Keep drinking it down, it’s good for you, but sure does taste bad sometimes!
If visiting or a call is not possible, try to write a personal letter if you can, from the heart (no thinking – flowing from the Spirit), in your own hand writing. If the person has past, then you need to confess it to the Messiah and this is very important…. seek forgiveness out loud. It is some sort of thing about the way we are designed. It has to be “out loud” – verbal.

5.) Now hopefully your heart is getting cleaned up a little bit now.  Do you feel lighter yet? If not, we’re doing something wrong before we can go to the next phase. Ask what sins may be blocking your path.
6.) Praise God. Sing to Him. Tell people about Him – you know – praise Jesus. Halleluyah!

7.) Start fasting buddy. There are several options. Let the Spirit guide you to what you need to do.
8.) Have faith. You have to ask for it.   He gives more faith to different folks, but the deal is it can be built through tribulation. Realize this mess you are going through is in all likelyhood either a spanking for you or your wife, that is, training …. if you are willing to accept the discipline. He may be using this mess to actually build your faith. It may just be the enemy attacking, but He has allowed the attack perhaps to train you, test you, etc. Read Mark 11:22 and others. Nothing is impossible for God. Focus on that. Believe it, but don’t walk out into a busy street and say God save me – that’s just testing Him. Understand the balance. I can’t explain. He will throw a series of faith challenges at you. Get ready… from what I’ve observed the faith challenge is different for each person, but basically it seems to be something to see whether you will trust His ways (you know, being good and what not) or will cave in. There will be lots of little faith tests thrown at you and perhaps a few big ones. He is able and willing if you Trust Him. It may take some time though.
8.) Stay away or ignore people who say that your marriage can’t be restored.

9.) It’s getting late, I’ll finish tomorrow.  May revise the order on some of these things.

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This was interesting… I recently was talking to my Dad about everything going on between my wife and I. He was acting as a friend and counselor. I was telling him some of the things she had done, and my theories on how it got to that place, etc. things I had done wrong.. she’d done wrong… on and on.

He then related a story to me about his relationship with my mom. I recall when I was younger my Dad used to go to the new car dealership in my town to acquire new inventory from their trade ins. We lived on a used car lot out in the country. Selling cars and running a tractor trailer fleet was my Dad’s business back then. Our house was part of the property.

Anyway,  so he was telling me his side of the story. He was at the new car store, about to close on about 5 cars. My Dad was still a young man then – about my age. Probably there a bit too late, but anyway I guess Abraham had to go check on his sheep by himself until he was able to afford slaves and servants. So my dad was there wheelin and dealin – the objective of which was to feed us, clothe us, buy us q-tips, pay the mortgage, save for the future, send my brother and I to Catholic school, etc. He considered it part of his job I guess. Doing his manly duty. He then tells how one time my mother came up there right as he was about to close on a deal on 5 cars and it cratered.  Man… we could have gone on vacation that year if I had gotten that deal through. Thinking of the family, but in a different way. My dad came from a very poor family – 2nd generation immigrants and wanted us to have something since he didn’t growing up. To put this into perspective….. bologna was a delicacy. I recall him telling stories about the once in a blue moon time where my Grandpa would bring home some bologna from the market. Each of the sibling would actually lick their individual slice to preserve ownership  and rights to said bologna.  Take a bite a week maybe. At some point, I recall him telling me that even toilet paper was not to be had at one point.They actually used dried corn cobs at one point.  No running water – they had a well. My grandfather built, yes, built his own house – still standing today. Yes, compared to my Dad, I’ve lived a relatively sheltered life. That’s one point of view.
Now here is my mom’s side…. interestingly enough she retold me the exact story from her point of view – unprompted when I talked to her later that day. She’d say, yeah he was always up there… too late, never home with us like he should have been. I went up there one time to bring him home.  Went up there and chewed him out for staying away all the time. He was always working and would never come home. My mom came from a different background. poor, but not insane poor… vacations and family fun were common, but they still had to budget.

Who was right? Who was wrong? What really happened here?

In the story I told about my first child’s birth – I indicated that I was annoyed with my mother in law for not letting me hold her hand. At the time, I felt like… look lady …this is my wife – can you just stay out of our business – for God’s sake what right do you have to tell me I can’t hold my wife’s hand as she is giving birth – I know you are her mother, but this is my wife. I was so close to asking her to leave, but didn’t want to make a scene and embarrass my wife. I felt like I was being controlled and just wanted to comfort my wife. I felt like my mother in law became a big 300lb line backer getting in the way of me comforting my wife as she was giving birth. My other brother in law told me that he felt the same way when she was in the room as his wife was giving birth. Later she asked him if she would make a good midwife. My brother in law declined to comment much – he just said… I wouldn’t want you there. Under the surface you could feel his feeling of being controlled.

Her point of view revealed later… she had heard that a woman going into labor can break a man’s hand and was trying to just spare my hand from surgery.
The best of intentions get lost in the cross fire sometimes….. don’t they? I do wonder if that is what my wife grew up with though…  is that why she lashes out at me? Does she feel the same way? I know she has in the past.

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Shortly before my wife was due to deliver my first child I recall something that caught me off guard a bit. Large purchases of cleaning supplies, new vacuum cleaners, voice operated cleaning robots, crack cleaning teams, brooms, mops, bleach.

I would ordinarily come home from work and it was hit or miss whether the house was clean (she stayed home). Seemed to kind of stay clean for a couple of days, then it would rapidly change… be in a mess for days. Not so for the upcoming child though. I’d walk in and almost get nauseated with the smell of clean. Man O’ man I wish I had been better prepared for that. It was like watching the true mammal side of us as human beings at work. Not something, I’d ordinarily think about.. you know people are people, not animals. But we are animals! I know that sometimes we as humans act no better than talking monkeys, but none the less it caught me off guard realizing that in many ways my wife had turned into a bear cleaning out the den for her new cub.

This is something else I wish I had known more about 5 or 6 years ago. I guess serves me right for having my nose buried in non-fiction books for most of my life. What a journey…. going from someone who could barely feel anything so long ago to being able to feel sincere deep pain for people’s plight that I don’t even know now. Passing it on to some other upcoming Dad who may read this one day.
The funny thing is… I probably would have never known these sort of feelings had I not lived through this sort of pain over the last two years or so. God works in mysterious ways indeed.

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Still trying to better understand women. I guess my life’s story will be complete once I understand them. Here is something that recently dawned on me. I’m going to call it the Cupid Effect and it has to do with space.

Let’s walk through an example…. I say to my wife… will you go to Boulder Colorado with me to hear Michell Weiner Davis preach to you about marriage. I think that’s what she heard. That’s not what I said, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve asked several times about various counselling programs, etc. but the timing is off. She has given me much feedback over the last week or so. You keep pushing me away. Stop. There is no comittment to the marriage here – no realization that it isn’t always lovey dovey feelings. Doesn’t mean it can’t be, but doesn’t matter as that is what her expectations have been set to… by her friends, mother, culture, or whatever. So that’s what I’m dealing with for now.

So I think about this from her perspective. She needs space. I don’t. Some people do… some people don’t. Sometimes in a relationship … the need for space shifts… as the male is acting like a big monkey, eventually the female’s emotions will shutdown and she will require space. The reverse happens as well.
In her mind, I think this may be what is going on. I’m waiting to see if my emotions will turn back into love for you and you keep ruining it you big oaf.  Can’t you understand that I need space? It is difficult for my personality type to understand it… plus we have shifted roles. She used to be the one who wanted me to need her… somehow we have swapped places.  She is wanting to leave maybe,  and I want her to stay. I chase – she pulls away.  I chase – she pulls away even more.
I try to get myself into her brain and her point of view and suddenly I recall a conversation I had with my mother. So here I am  telling my mother that I’m coming into my home town. She lives about 30 miles from there. I wanted to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s because it would nourish my soul to go HOME! That is where I was raised in many ways. Mom keeps pushing on me to come to her house instead. I don’t want to go to her house because emotionally, I’m in no condition to go there. It feels empty there since my mom and dad got a divorce. It feel like that scene at the end of the Godfather Part 2 where Al Pacino has his brother killed and dumped into a lake. It just doesn’t feel right. Finally I get a big guilt sensation from my mom to go there, but I’m not a happy camper. It makes me feel worse to be there. She pushed… I agreed to go there out of guilt.

Naturally, I would have picked up this trait of my mother and have probably done it to my wife without even realizing.  Stop pushing she says. I know I love my mother, but when she pushed I didn’t want to be around her.  Same thing going on here.

I recall my wife coming up to me in the past to be held. It felt wonderful to be her rock. To hold her in my arms and console her. Just holding. We would hold for a few minutes, then evetnually I would find my self wanting to withdraw.  I don’t know why. So I would wait until she felt better, but then I felt something inside me withdraw. Why is that there? Did my mother not feed me enough as a kid… ? just kidding.  I don’t know, but the point is  that sensation of withdrawal, it exists in all of us me thinks. Why? Chicken Thigh.

Anyway, so back to the cupid effect, I think that is what is going on with the space thing. She is knowing in her mind that a divorce is not the right answer, but  feels so hurt emotionally and probably doesn’t even know why. That push …. doesn’t give her time to sort through her feelings.  It is something she needs, just in as much as I need to be with her and hold her, comfort her, etc.

The challenge I see is how in the heck do you let go to give her time to heal?

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