Glass Gloves

Captain we’re running under impulse power.

I’ve been trying to think of a way to train myself to become more patient. I need a way to practice controlling those emotional urges. This will help me better when I start to feel resentment. I need an outlet or a channel or a way to to become a Jedi at this stuff. What is the ideal way to practice?

Hrmmm… I do have strong urges to call her almost hourly. That is probably the best place to start. What can I do to incent myself not to call her that will be healthier in the long run and not build up resentment? I’ll have to think about this one for awhile.

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So I my wife and I started having problems recently. This may or may not be a big D word thing again. I hope not, but she is pretty upset right now.
I believe we’ve just entered another valley; and there is a hill just beyond the horizon,  but apparently I still need some more lessons from the big man. It came as sort of a surprise again, but I’m going to share what I learned so far. The point of this post is to further emphasize that this is a life long process. Don’t treat it like just a passing storm. Once you get into the safe zone, keep going to the counselling once in awhile, if it helped the first time. When you first make it into the safe zone, it will feel like a new relationship all over again, but then after awhile it becomes easy to settle back into the status quo. We forget. Why do we forget? Dunno. Something about being human.
The wife did seem to be happy quite a bit over the last year, but recently due to what her folks have been going through and another relative she has had to deal with a number of external issues to our family. Our marriage went into a down swing. I’ve tried to support her in this, however, found myself fumbling in the dark again. I’ve been asking if I can help in any way with it, etc. but that is annoying her. Let’s call this a Post Near Divorce Experience After Shock. Right.
This one snuck up on me.
Here are some mistakes that were made. I have a bad habit of asking how everything is going between us. She’ll say fine, but then sometimes due to everything we went through I’ll get doubts. Then I may get insecure and start to look really creepy probably ask too many times how are we doing. This make me look like I’m not exactly protecting her, and in addition, it seems to be received as saying I’m not being a good wife. Then an argument would start. Not my intent, but there it is. I spoke to one counselor about it and she suggests that I knock this part off. Her words were “It’s not attractive”.
What I’ve learned so far, is not to ask so often. It is pandora’s box. What it does is to stir up doubt. It plants a nasty seed. Not a good idea to do that.

The other part is how to control back sliding. Once you get back into status quo mode you may tend to forget some things and old habits creep back in.  I’ve now made a pact with one of my buddies for each of us to call each other if one of us approaches the anger zone. Kind of like an “anger buddy”. It is to calm the nerves.
Anyway, I talked to a counsellor about it and what they said was though I may be doing a lot better with the glass gloves, at the end of the day, there is also some fall out in that she will still not be completely honest about all her feelings so as to not push buttons that may start an argument. She was trained by me to not respond or talk when she is feeling down on something, that is why it came as a surprise. I hadn’t changed as much as I thought I had or the effect wore off a bit. Great!
She has left to her mother’s for the weekend to get some space. Keep the prayers coming folks, I was warned that it would take at least a couple years to get everything completely on the right track and that advice and warning was sound. I also think there are some things that I had neglected during my spiritual quest to try and relate to Yahweh aka God through the Messiah even more.

What happened is that I was focused on trying to understand the difference between the law and grace and where do you draw the line. I’ll come to the point at the end of the next paragraph, but first I wanted to discuss the questions I was asking of myself and scripture.
I was trying to better understand heaven, hell, purgatory, Sheol, eternal death, mostly universal salvation, etc. The thought was, if I really and truly believe there is some place called hell with burning fire, etc. then I really don’t even have time for my own family. Too many souls to reach. Think of it this way, if I truly believe that lots of folks are going to burn in hell, then wouldn’t it be my mission to reach as many as I could? If that is the belief, then everything else is almost nill in comparison. I mean think of it - as long as you could take a spoon to dig up Mount Everest and transplant it to Antartica even then eternity would not have began. Anyway, I looked into it more and more, and though I can’t prove it scripturally at this point, I suspect that eventually there will be a lot more people redeemed than was originally anticipated. This is really based on one fundamental precept - a just and all loving God could not punish infinitely for a finite crime. Now granted, this is based on my personal bias so don’t go taking my gut instincts as any sort of truth. This is what my gut has always told me, but you have to be careful with not deluding yourself. Oh dear brother, maybe that’s what was meant by being reborn. We have to taste death / destruction before He can let us into the door. Sounds like purgatory eh? Again, I can’t confirm it yet as there is only one verse or so that scripturally supports this idea, and the source to this is in Macabees which was never considered part of the canon, but instead a historical book. Yeah yeah, they say the same thing about Acts sometimes. Grace seems to be what saves, but I think of the law as a guide or the “walk” with God. See here for an interesting walk through some of the law: http://theownersmanual.net/ (56 hits)Now make no mistake, my personal belief is that the law is a “guide” and I don’t worry so much about breaking the law, but rather not following the guide.
Anyway, what all of this have to do with anything? Well, when someone tells me something that my gut instinct doesn’t trust, then I go out and do my best to find the “real truth”, not what I’ve been told. Anyway, I spent a great deal of time looking into these matters and in the process of trying to bring my family closer to God, I found that instead I had become a bit obsessive with this, resulting in alienating my family sometimes. People started to call me “religious”. Oh no - stones getting tossed at me.  Weird how that works, eh? I think what is happening here is that He is now working on “humbling” me a bit. Gently reminding me, that there was nothing I did to deserve what I’ve been given. When I started down this path, it used to confuse me about what was so hard for folks to understand about this. Doofus, I didn’t understand either at one time so shame on me.
I can sometimes be a pretty intimidating person when it comes to these matters and I think this may be a way of saying, you are not skilled enough nor do you know enough of the truth to be thinking yourself as knowledgable in this area so sit tight tiger while I teach you some more. Or something like that. Probably just deluding myself again! Christians are often blasted for being “hypocritical”. That is probably one of the worst things to have affected His kingdom, but I honestly think He did it just to show everyone what he was up to, and that in the end it will be finally understood by possibly all or most. Me thinking I was knowledgable was in a way, having too much pride and it was coming off as self-righteous at times. Not a good personality trait to have. Now I wasn’t trying to act  this way, but it was sometimes being received that way. The raw “unabashed” truth could be difficult for me to deliver since I still don’t know enough. Preparation breeds confidence and I’m still not fully prepared. Anyway, this started to affect my family as well so I’ve got some recovery work to do. Irony how I got here eh?
How do I solve this then? Here is a clue - I can’t by myself, that is why it is called a “walk”. The greater more experienced ox (Jesus/ Yeshua / Yahshua, etc.) is yoked with me. I carry some of the burden, but He carries the majority.
I’ve been praying for God to touch my wife’s heart the way I suspect He has touched mine. It is such a powerful thing. I wanted her to experience it for herself, but she hasn’t overly interested in studying scripture, etc. but I guess everyone does it differently. I’ve gone on and on this site about how good it is, but the wife seems to hit or miss at times.  Maybe this is the path for her to get that special gift and yet another lesson for me. I think that I may even have to accept the reality, that this sort of gift may not be for her - not unlike Mother Theresa. I’d like her to feel that. When she returns, I may give her some money and tell her to just go give it to someone who looks needy. It is quite a feeling.
Now I truly think that some of this may be preventing us from taking the marriage to the next level, but I was rushing it again. I need to take mor of my own advice eh? So, she asked for some space. She’s got it. Great, how do I go about not violating her space and making sure I’m good to go when I talk to her?

Well, I’ve decided that I’ll watch sad movies to “emotionally” train myself to not seem like a loser that desperately misses her.  If I can handle a real sad movie when my wife is mad at me, then hopefully that will give me “practice” to not look all puppy dog style when we interact. She should be back in a couple of days and I need to be prepared.
That was the rant for today.

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On Monday last week, I “pulled the plug” on communicating with my wife. An old habit I’m trying to stop (see “I promise! Really! (156 hits)“) caused me to lie to her (an issue about selling our house). I took it upon myself to email, confess and ask her her forgiveness. The reply was a simple “Apology accepted”. Even in an age where you only get these two typewritten words, I knew she was seething. (I learned later that my lie was enough to cause her to call it quits once and for all.) I decided to give Mrs. Ray her space, following the tactics of the original “Counterintuitive (213 hits)” post. For most of the week she did not try to contact me. I was really feeling the stretch (”What’s going on in her mind???“).

Late Thursday night I received an email. A page and a half. She was torn and not sure what to do (emotionally) next. Ultimately she really did want to see me again.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m posting this here not for boasting or victory, but to show you that this tactic worked for one person, in a very touchy situation. Every situation is different, but consider that Mrs. Ray was actually ready to drop it all and finish the divorce proceedings. I kept the strength (barely, and with God’s help) though the week. Inside, I was depressed and worried about what would happen next. Through God’s grace, I managed to survive, and our marriage still has a chance.

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Since my wife moved out and filed divorce papers, I have really, seriously begun praying a lot. During prayer once, in seeking God’s wisdom, a phrase appeared in my mind: “BE PURE TO YOUR WIFE”. That command has stuck with me since then. I wonder how it was formed – no one would ever say that particular sentence. I think if someone was going to tell me this, they might say “Stay faithful to your wife,” or “Don’t mess around,” or something. But this phrase, “Be pure to your wife” is so much more direct and powerful in its meaning. That’s why I believe God gave me this word. I’m not going to call this a new revelation – the idea is in the Ten Commandments (adultery). But to me it’s the most direct, and to the point command I’ve ever heard.

“Be Pure” seems to mean more than faithful, and points toward being truthful and open. Good idea in times like these.

“To” – there’s definitely a one way direction about this. Whatever your spouse is up to, you need to keep on with the Pure stuff. No “eye for an eye” here!

“Your wife” – OK, separated, divorced, whatever. If you are working to bring her back into the same house as you, she’s still your wife, even if she’s moved out of state. You need to honor her with the Pure stuff.

Since I’m a guy, it’s best if I use the term “wife”, but you get the idea – be pure to your spouse. So, what’s the big deal?

This might be your situation: Your wife has moved out. It looks like it’s the end of your marriage, but you certainly want to do your best to work out the differences and bring her back. Now, facing reality, you get lonely and would like to at least get out. Your wife is no where around town, so what do you do?

Well, what would you do if you were still married but your honey wanted to stay home? How does this sound: “Margaret, I ‘m going on a date with Nancy tonight. It doesn’t mean a thing, I just want to get out of the house with a nice lady.” or even “Margaret, since you and I haven’t had any intimate time in the sack lately, I’m going out with Nancy – only to handle my urges, that’s all! I still love you.”

In your heart, you are still married. In your heart, you have a wife. It’s not a matter of where she is just now, it’s a matter of who it is you love! You would never act as I just described in a normal situation. Here’s the point: You are still married. You love your wife. You are doing your damndest to get her back. Regardless of how your lady is thinking and acting, you need to treat her as the wife you love!

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“Counterintuitive” – what a word! Six syllables made of 16 letters. Split it in half to get a better idea: “Counter” means against. “Intuitive” means something like results being what you expected (like in intuition). So, getting results opposite what you thought might happen!

I’m not changing the subject here, bear with me. Although I’m 55 years old, I’ve bought my first ever motorcycle. (Riders, you can skip this paragraph!) The most surprising thing I’m learning about is the way you steer a motorcycle – if you want to turn right, you actually push the handlebars to the left! (Just a tiny bit, but still you turn the opposite way.) My mind and body might be yelling “We’re gonna crash!” but my eyes and brain manage to make the turn by turning the front wheel the other way.

So, what’s this got to do with your (crumbling) marriage? You work counterintuitively. This is the scariest, hardest thing to do, and, like the title suggests, it can get dangerous. Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family (110 hits) wrote a book called Love Must Be Tough. This web page: Hope for Couples in Crisis (217 hits) has a very good description of the idea. It’s a bit of a read, but well worth it. The upshot is to actually allow the leaving spouse their space! There is a link on that page to the Love Must Be tough book.

Dobson poses three results: 1) Since you have “let them go”, there is no need to fight any more, and your relationship will improve just because you two don’t need to fight. 2) The leaving spouse might consider, now, that maybe there is something in our marriage after all. For the third result, I can’t say it better than Dr. Dobson. Pay attention:

The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one [that be you – Ray]. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.

What’s in this for you? You have a plan. In the book you will see how you do gain control. (Not in a control freak way, but in a way that makes it easier for your spouse to rethink things and possibly return.) When you have a good idea of what’s happening, you will definitely feel better about your situation, and get your self respect back.

Guarantees? Remember you’re working without a safety net. But consider your alternatives: Your spouse has already (or nearly) walked out. If nothing changes, it’s just “Good bye” anyway. However, by taking the high road here, you still could remain on good terms with your spouse, which makes vital communication all that much easier.

When my wife moved out, I helped her move! I also told her I did want to find some reconciliation. I did the grunt work, driving the truck, setting up her bed, installing the washer – whatever. What did that accomplish? Later that week, when she had some small emergencies, she called me, of all people! And within the week she volunteered that there may still be some way we could work things out. Your mileage may vary, but I know this small break in her attitude would not have been possible if I had not supported her decision in the way I did. My situation (as of the end of 2006) is not nearly out of the woods. But as Dobson says, I do feel much better about things, and, of course, my wife actually came up with the idea of seeing if we might be able to work things out!

Be Brave. Be on your knees in prayer. Stick with it. God Bless.

Check out the update entry (162 hits).

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Your spouse has, or is soon, leaving. The divorce papers have been filed. In your heart of hearts, though, you have committed yourself to saving your marriage - you still love her. Is there a limit to what you can personally do? Is it all worth it? When do you give up - or do you?

Recently I watched a show on Discovery called “Everest: Beyond the Limit (138 hits)“. One 50-ish climber, still a few days’ climb form the top, “hit a wall”. His dream since he was 8 years old had been to climb Mt. Everest. He was so close to realizing his dream - within 1,000 vertical feet , yet he knew he could not take another step. He turned back. In this week’s show we see him coming to grips with the end of a dream. Was it failure? He called that turning point his personal summit. Had he continued, he certainly would have died. (The summit of Everest is called “The Death Zone” for a reason.) Now he will live with the mixed result of failing (?) his dream, but more importantly recognizing his true limits. There is satisfaction in knowing when to turn back.

By this time in my marriage/separation/divorce I was emotionally exhausted. I wondered about the support I read in James 1:2 (10 hits) that life’s troubles are how God prepares you for receiving God’s wisdom. Whew!! In exhaustion I might just give up. I feel that Marriage is God’s second gift to Man (after He gave us life, he gave us companionship.) That Marriage is a picture of Jesus’ relationship with His Church. God told Hosea to marry a prostitute (11 hits). (No, my wife is no prostitute.) But when Hosea’s wife left him, he went to look for her and found her again.

Is it OK to give up? Well, bottom line is you will eventually move on, just as your spouse will. You fought the Fight of Your Life, knowing that the goal was worth everything, and you feel you have used/spent everything. You finally hear in your heart, “No more.” You can close that chapter of your life. You have reached your personal summit (not the true peak, though) and could not take another step.

“Failure”? You decide. Call it Failure, and you may spend too much time dwelling in the past, with bitterness. Call it your Personal Summit, though not satisfactory, and you will know you have gone to your absolute limit, and returned a survivor.

I do not write this to tell anyone to give up. I pray that the Lord will supply whatever energy & wisdom is needed to each spouse. That both hurting individuals in this painful situation of divorce, barring reasons of violence, will find healing , love and happiness again, well before anyone reaches their summit. However, continually respect yourself, and keep tabs on your emotional energy.

As I write this (I’m not shohn, remember, I’m Ray), my wife has moved out and filed papers. I have no intention of giving up, but I am afraid for the future. No way do I want to give up. But, like the Everest climber, for practical reasons reaching my own personal summit might just be a matter of survival. The question remains: Can I go the distance? Can you? What is your resolve? In my view, for my marriage, it’s worth it!

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Google analytics is an awesome tool. It shows me who is viewing this site, what are the most popular articles, and where people are viewing the site from.

It looks like the folks visiting this site are largely from Texas, the east coast and California. I guess those folks from Colorado, Wyoming, Idaho, Canada, and Sudan either don’t have Internet connections, don’t try to save their marriages, or just never have these kind of problems in the first place.

What are the folks in Canada doing right that we can’t seem to figure out in Texas? Better marriage laws or crappy internet connections? Who knows - just made me wonder about it a bit. Kind of random, but have you ever wondered why credit card companies seem to be based in South Dakota quite a bit? It has something to do with laws that are more attractive to that type of business if I recall correctly.

I’ll have to do a study of what the laws are in each state and publish the results some day.

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Depending on where you are at with restoring your marriage - you may have a chance to start going out on dates. This is pivotal. Dates must be scheduled and must happen or you may be right back where you both started.

Is she so angry that she will turn down a free lunch / dinner “just for old times sake” or just as “friends”? Wow. Well she may turn that down, but how about another opportunity to have some real fun together (not sex at this stage).

Tired of the usual boring dinner and a movie?

We tried flight lessons. Cost me $55 for about an hour worth of flight lessons. We had the time of our lives. It was cheaper than dinner and a movie!

Scared of heights? Then find something else that will be fun - that your spouse would enjoy. How about cooking classes? Swing dancing? Can’t afford it? You must afford it buddy. Do you realize how much a divorce will cost you not only in terms of dollars, but the rest of your lives?

When she was in the “I’m not going anywhere with you” state I took her and the kids to Six Flags. I knew she didn’t want to go, but she did go for the sake of the kids. We actually had fun. If you get her to go - then I want you to listen up.

You can do anything for up to 12 hours and still keep a smile on. Focus on fun - not your marriage when you do this. Dates create opportunities for your marriage to return to health by getting away from the bad memories and creating new happy ones.

You had to get a driver’s license to drive. You had to go to driver’s ed, take a test, received training right? It takes even more to get a pilot’s license yet if you are reading this it is likely you both were piloting your marriage without any training. It starts with you. You need to educate yourself and her if she is willing about marriage. With the lessons you have learned you can both do a different kind of flying with your marriage! Sounds cheesy, but it is true.

Ironically in my state, they make you take a divorce class before you can file, but there is no requirement for marriage class, no test, etc. I can’t wait to send this up to my congressman. Seems fundamentally flawed.

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