Glass Gloves

Well, I received a major blessing today. Thank you Jesus! I can say this much, I have been praying MAJOR blessings on the (potentially soon to be ex-wife) PSTBEW off in spiritual space. I’ve altered my prayer technique to imagine light shields and angels and stuff fighting off evil forces from the PSTBEW even if we don’t get back together. They are very emotional prayers, and it is very hard to make sure my heart is in the right place. Sometimes, I found myself praying for blessings yet still secretly hoping that the Lord would shake her up a bit to wake her up. Would have to start the prayer over until my heart was right.

I won’t go into the details, but I feel peace because of this blessing. Once again, thank you Yeshua!

The details have been recorded offline in my personal journal. I may share one day when it is more appropriate.

Also, darkness before light. New spiritual rule I’ve learned. Always dark before dawn. The world moves in cycles - that includes relationships just in as much as there are physical laws to govern the motion of a baseball thrown into the air. I don’t yet understand the purpose in all this, but I know that evil also propels good. It is a fundamental spiritual law.

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So I’ve long wondered a few things.

Awhile back, I was taught that I can’t uncover her nakedness - her sin. I made that mistake pretty hard core before. Now though, another “spiritual” rule that I don’t yet understand has come to the front.

Unforgiveness ALWAYS protects the abuser. ALWAYS.

Someone told me that “You must admit that she has done you wrong”. Unforgiveness ALWAYS protects the abuser. It takes two to tango, and I know you weren’t innocent, but you are being setup by the enemy.

Admit that she has done me wrong. What? That is new. Admit it. I had written it down. I’ve been so masking her nakedness, that perhaps I’ve been in denial about what has happened and been unable to forgive due to that denial without even knowing it, hence blocking my prayers.

Admit it. The words bounce around in my head. Admit it. Admit that you have been done wrong. Admit it. Can I? Is she no longer my perfect angel clothed with white as pure as the driven snow? Admit it?

I’m struggling with how best to do this, since words have power. Perhaps I will speak unto the Master of my feelings in the prayer closet that is my soul.

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Well. I’ve worked for 6 months trying to salvage this thing through many of my own efforts. I have felt for some time that the month of May was going to be a huge month. I don’t know what is going to happen. My responses to her interogatories go back to her lawyer tomorrow. D-day is coming! I see the big man moving on a number of things that are peripheral to this whole divorce thing though.
Heck, my Dad is sending Jesus messages out in email now! I’ve prayed for that for well over a year now! Thank-you Yeshua! My mom is getting reengaged into the Bible! A year ago - she was one of the persons tossing stones at me and saying …. “Shohn - don’t be surprised at people throwing rocks at you”. She now is sending out  all kinds of  prayer,  and  pro-Jesus messages. She is even dreaming about my dad and FINALLY looking at her part in the disolution of her own marriage instead of pointing the finger straight at my dad! That is a miracle in and of itself! Yay Jesus!
I experienced sajoy yesterday. It is a new term for an emotion you may have experienced. It is being melancholy and truly filled with deep remorse / regret coupled with hope and joy knowing that even through the pain that is currently being endured that there is yet a greater purpose to it all. Seeing life from the valley - realizing and understanding that it is, in fact, a valley - yet the purpose is for something greater on the horizon which brought both tears of joy and sadness simultaneously.

Purpose is what defines us. Without it - we become useless, bored, and seem to continually pursue things in our lives to fill the emptiness in our soul (e.g., golf). Well, at least I felt that way for a long time before getting on this whole Jesus trip. My purpose eventually became my children and my wife. That is great, but there is an even greater  purpose I have found
I remember back in the day, I could only reach this sort of “understanding” by inhaling some of what Bill Clinton said he didn’t inhale. I recall reaching the conclusion at one point, that possibly this life that we are in - is actually heaven, - in that if it were too perfect - and there were no evil - then how then could we come to appreciate the good without the bad - in a round about sort of counter intuitive way - sort of like a child looking back on learning how to ride a bike - the pain from falling down once the training wheels were removed, but it later becoming a happy memory despite the skuffed knees at that time.

Again, I’m looking at this from two perspectives. One is the here and now and it sucks. The next is looking at the present around 18 months from now - that is envisioning the future self - looking back on what I write today and saying ….. Wow.

Ground control to Major Tom?

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Well. Today is a new day. I had spoken with my potentially soon to be ex-sister in law and my potentially soon to be ex-father in law yesterday. Fun with Xs. If this thing goes through, there will be like 243 Xs involved somehow. Ex-grandfather in law for her, ex grand father in law for me. Ex - step grandfather in laws. I could go on and on just like Bubba about shrimp in the movie Forest Gump.  Potentially soon to be Ex-crazy aunt always singing the ol’ American pledge of allegience instead of the prayer at Thanksgiving.
Well, get this. The ol’ potentially soon to be ex-father in law informed me that him and his wife are starting to get along now. Can anyone say “Huh?”. Where did that come from? What in the world? Crazy emotional relationship dynamics coupled with sometimes annoying contiuum of space and time created for our feeble minds to barely conceptualize the spiritual world that our Savior hath made. Patience, young grasshopper.
He told me his secret was that he honestly has no idea whether or not they are going to get back together and just quit worrying about it. It had been slow in coming. My potentially soon to be ex-wife and I have been somewhat talking. A minute there. 5 minutes there. Can we go on a date? How bout a date dang it? Oh, can we go on a date? I want to buy you milk and cookies.
I’m pretty sure that a date will happen in the not too distant future. Perhaps after we are officially divorced. I suspect from a worldly point of view that the divorce will allow her to “breathe” emotionally and say “I told you so”. One really big “I told you so” I might add. It is in a way a way for her to save face and teach the ol’ Shohn some sort of perverted lesson in humility I suppose. I would have preferred her to have put me in a head lock and given me a couple of kidney shots instead, but I digress.
She has given many things away in our conversations that have subtly alluded to this. Also, I have noted that she is still cycling up and down. I thought I would share what i think I have learned. There seems to be this up and down emotional thing that she experiences. Part of it just due to being a woman I guess, part of it due to her past, our present situation, the children, etc. Lots of variables in there. Feminists and analytical gals, that last part does not apply to you okay!
Public confession from about a week ago: I had asked one girl I know to set me up with one of her friends for a date about a week ago when I had more or less given up on me wife. I reached a really really low point. Started getting angry for once. I felt a huge cow of resentment growing. Down Betsy.

I asked her.. “Hey - do you know any nice single 20 something gals - maybe even with a child already that are emotional disorder free?” Her comment back was “Shohn - I hate to break it to you, but I’d venture a guess that at least 50% of women have some sort of emotional disorder.”  Yeah, one of my friends told me that at one point, but I thought it was junk. I’ve worked with plenty of women in the work force who are even keel and aren’t all up and down style.
Anyway, the point to this is that there seem to be optimum times to ask certain things. An act of love is to discern what mood she is in, and not ask oh… I don’t know… for a date when she is in a bad mood. When I speak to her, I can gather her mood in about a second and a half from her voice.

The little stop cross out sign above is drawn at a point where it is generally not a good idea to ask for that date.  See the Happy curve and then the sad curve? No date asking when potentially soon to be ex-wife reaches sad or angry part of curve. Bad idea. Wait until she reach happy part of curve. That much better idea.
I think a similar concept will apply to those of you whose wives are still living with ya. According to my gal friend (not girlfriend), 50% of women are just that way. The challenge for us generally emotionally level men is to recognize this as perhaps just part of the nature of our object of affection. Truly then, the act of love - of agape is become better at not pushing those pesky buttons during those times. Hopefully, the wife will reciprocate. It takes time sometimes. In my case, 6 months so far to even get a smile and happy voice out of me wife. 6 months -of crying, prayer, getting on my knees, followed by another 6 months of denial, anger, resentment, followed by a certain peace that is unexplainable, ….. all to earn the prize of one little X and O on a date in the not too distanct future.

The sad part is this. I’m reasonably sure we can get a date now. The timing is still a bit off, but she has left that door open, and I’m reasonably sure that it isn’t completely pyschological warfare in preparation for cleaning my clock in a divorce court. At the same time though, she started being nice when I started pushing her off. Go away evil potentially soon to be ex-wife always reversing on your committments. She’d say “What’s wrong?” - “What’s wrong?”. Ohhhh please. Leave me alone.

Can I take you on a date about a week later. I’ll think about it.

Can I get a rain check? Yes.

Oh so much I want X and Os from currently cold doppleganger of my wife. Wife are you in there? Where are you? Are you inside there somewhere? Hello…. nothing but echoes and the occasional smile and allusion to a date.

Well if this thing goes through, at least I won’t have to worry about getting undesired Xs and Os from crazy potentially soon to be ex-aunt in law with large amount of hair growing from her ummm… nevermind. That is one reason to be thankful! See good in bad!
I’ve got another reason to be really joyful and happy today. The new Portishead album came out! Yay! Love Portishead! Oh yeah, well if you love Portishead then why don’t you marry their singer Shohn?

I’m thinking about it. Perhaps Ms. Gibbons if not already taken will be my next future ex-wife? We would at least like the same kind of music. That’s as good a place to start as any I suppose.
On a scriptural note, I’ve been very much focused on Numbers 13 - 14 starting yesterday. Good medicine for doubt. Maybe Ms. Gibbons can read it to me with that oh so beautiful voice of hers.

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Well, when I started this site I figured if it could help at least one person rescue their marriage then it was worth it. I know of so many more that it has helped that I feel the purpose was fulfilled. My marriage is now swirling down the toilet. Again, that does not mean it is over as I still maintain that Jesus does His best work under impossible situations.
Over the last week, I have been responding to interrogatories from my wife’s divorce petition. Fun stuff. How much money do you make it asks? How much money? Oh, and by the way - how much money do you make again?

Have you had sex with persons outside of your marriage during your marriage?

Have you ever beaten the tar out of your wife and children with a palm frond?

How about head butting your children in the nose? Have you ever head butted your children or put them in a half nelson over the course of the marriage? If you have, we’d like to know about any such half-nelons.

Do you think your wife has ever intentionally put you into a half-nelson? What about a full nelson? Has she ever given you a Nile Ruby or Indian Rope Burn? What about you? Have you ever been put into a human knot by your wife? Has she ever severly beaten you?

Trying to keep this with a light heart I guess. If I can’t laugh and still be joyful I’ve lost everything and I won’t let anyone take that away darn it!

Carrying my cross. Jesus seems to suggest in my heart that this is my cross to carry. Forunately or unfortunately, I haven’t shed my blood for Him yet so that certainly puts things into perspective.

Anyway, looks like she is gearing up for battle. I have asked to meet on several occassions to work this out peacefully, but she has thus far agreed to do so, but no action behind it.
I asked her to go roller skating or ice skating with me this weekend. She said she doesn’t like ice skating, but would consider roller skating. I figure I have about a .0000001% chance of her saying yes. If she says no, I will probably ask again in about a month or two. The goal is just to have fun really. Can you have fun with someone who is filing divorce against you? Call me crazy, but I could!
Anyway, I had gotten off the path or walk for a bit. Nothing reallly bad, but just sort of waivered a bit. Doubt and what not started creeping in. I had to found out whether I would have problems getting dates and discovered that I have absolutely NO problem getting dates. Sort of a confidence booster I guess, but probably not the way He would have done it so I had to ask for forgiveness and knock it off. I guess this is a public confession.
Also, some other cool stuff spiritually is still happening. It happens so much now that I’ve started to lose interest in writing down the cool stuff. No golden dust or whatever like some say in the “prophetic” movement which I’m still not sure if that is a big hoax or not, but some cool coincidences and stuff still related very much to my prayers and scripture reading.

This morning I was reading about a battle between David and the Arameans. This was ummm… directed / guided to by a place in my heart. The first license plate I saw this morning spelled out ARAMAAN about 10 minutes after I had concluded by morning reading. Pretty weird and sweet I thought.

Well, if we don’t get to go on a date I guess we will be shortly going to battle for a bit. I’ve offered two olive branches to work it out peacefully. I will offer one more. I hope it doesn’t come to battle.

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Yesterday I had spoken with my mother about a number of things, again, trying to better understand women and to see things from her point of view when she wanted a divorce from my dad. As I ended the conversation my mother had given me some additional tips for my wife and then we came to the subject of praying for this situation. We both agreed that the best thing to do was to pray for guidance. So I asked her to pray for guidance for me.

I had also solicited advice and confided in one of my uncles.

I have been tempted to investigate online dating and what not. Later on that night I went to visit with a friend who was divorced some 7 years ago to get more perspective. I wanted to understand what it is like after divorce - does anything change - is it better? I got the distinct feeling that it really doesn’t. My thoughts started to drift a bit during the conversation…Americans - We go to work, we take care of our kids, and we do various activities to fill our lives with stuff and fun things to do. We are so blessed and often don’t even realize it. I wonder, would Abraham have been an avid golfer, or was he too busy trying to keep his flocks from running around and getting eaten by lions, wolves, tigers, and bears? Did he take his wife out on weekly dates? Did he, perhaps, buy her one rose for each year he had known her each year on Valentine’s day? That would have been a lot of roses by the time he had Isaac! Yes all of this is easy for me to say, because God seems to have take good care of my family financially so far. Perhaps, it would be different if I was a farmer by trade. Perhaps it would be different if I lived on some mole hill in Africa and had to worry about Muslims chopping my hands off for being Christian… my head gets back into the conversation…
I came in around 9:30 and called my wife to speak to the children since they are with her this weekend. She said they were already asleep - she sounded very tired as well. She mentioned they were going to church tomorrow. As I hung up, I once again thought that perhaps something there will touch her heart. Bring my wife back can you I prayed. As I lay in bed, I prayed for the minister or the priest to have a special message regarding divorce or something that could touch her. Prayed for another miracle… then I stopped and instead once again I prayed for guidance.

As I started praying for guidance, in my heart I was suddenly overcome with strong feelings of being scolded. Questions arose in my mind as I was thinking this over to myself… What are you doing? When are you going to trust Me? Have I not shown you many wonderful “coincidences” this year already? Yeah, no voices from heaven or angels sitting on the foot of my bed, but I did feel an overwhelming feeling of being scolded as I was thinking to myself. Yet, so many choices present themselves - which path to take? You have received wise counsel from your uncle - trust that advice. Like the little boy on Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, you have been given a golden ticket. Golden tickets are answered prayers. I then pray..thanks for what I have been given, and thanks for this trial and period of testing. After all, I could have been born in some cave in Korea and never have gotten to see the wonderful beaches in Sydney! I could have never even had the time that I have had with my wife so far on this earth. So many things to be thankful for. I prayed for guidance once more and then dozed off for a bit. My mother and I had been talking about praying for guidance several times that day.
As I drifted off into subconscious melodies - half asleep half awake, I felt once again drawn to open the ol’ Life Application Study Bible to a specific page. Page 984 it was……. this was a new one I had never read.. thankfully, I was not annoyed this time, I went and cracked open the good book. Let’s see what is on this page….

Pro 2:2 So that you make your ear attend to wisdom, Incline your heart to understanding;
Pro 2:3 For if you cry for discernment, Lift up your voice for understanding,
Pro 2:4 If you seek her as silver, And search for her as hidden treasures,
Pro 2:5 Then you would understand the fear of יהוה, And find the knowledge of Elohim.
Pro 2:6 For יהוה gives wisdom; Out of His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
Pro 2:7 And He treasures up stability for the straight, A shield to those walking blamelessly,
Pro 2:8 To watch over the paths of right-ruling, And the way of His kind ones He guards.
Pro 2:9 Then you would understand righteousness And right-ruling, and straightness – Every good path.
Pro 2:10 For wisdom would enter your heart, And knowledge be pleasant to your being,
Pro 2:11 Discretion would guard you; Understanding would watch over you,
Pro 2:12 To deliver you from the evil way, From the man who speaks perversities,
Pro 2:13 Those who leave the paths of straightness To walk in the ways of darkness;
Pro 2:14 Who rejoice to do evil; They delight in the perversities of evil;
Pro 2:15 Whose paths are crooked, And they are perverted in their ways;
Pro 2:16 To deliver you from the strange woman, From the foreigner who flatters with her words,
Pro 2:17 Who forsakes the companion of her youth, And has forgotten the covenant of her Elohim.
Pro 2:18 For her house has sunk down to death, And her paths to the dead;
Pro 2:19 None going in to her does return, Nor do they reach the paths of life –
Pro 2:20 So walk in the way of goodness, And guard the paths of righteousness.
Pro 2:21 For the straight shall dwell in the earth, And the perfect be left in it;
Pro 2:22 But the wrong shall be cut off from the earth, And the treacherous ones plucked out of it.

The page moves into Chapter 3… the point of ch 3 seems to be trust in God - not your own wisdom. Interesting that I had felt scolded for not trusting Him before reading this.
This translation comes from e-sword. My study Bible says verse (16)  Wisdom will save you from the flattery of the immoral woman, from the flattery of the adulterous woman. (17) She has abandoned her husband and ignores the covenant she made before God.

Who is the her in verse 4? Is it the spirit, guidance, my wife, or all of the above? Who is the strange woman in verse 16? I could take it as my wife, but that wasn’t the context of my prayer. And she may be strange sometimes, but I don’t think that is what was meant by the verse. Shall I seek after my wife like silver? Will I trust my God?
She has given me a rain check on taking her out for coffee as of Friday, but the rest of the weekend she seemed very angry. Guidance… I pray for more guidance.

Our Father, great respect and love I give to your reputation, honor, and glory! May we come out of this through your guidance and demonstrate your glory to all! Hear my prayer O’ God. Thanks for feeding me today. I realize not everyone gets to eat whenever they want. Forgive me for the things that I have done and have failed to do especially in my marriage. May your Kingdom come and your will be done…. Lead not myself nor my wife into temptation…watch over my wife’s heart please and keep evil away from her and myself. Deliver us from this whirlwind of uncertainty and confusion. Can you join me in this prayer?

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Well, I haven’t really spoken to her about anything significant in two or days now - just dropping off the kids at this time etc.

About a year ago I had something amazing happen to me. It all started with a dream that I had prayed for my wife to have. She never had dreams, but did that time in my most desperate hour. It was a turning point in my life. All of a sudden, my entire perspective changed. I had received in my mind, an undeniable answer to a prayer.

Years ago, we had dated in high-school, but she went off the deep end and abandoned her family and went wild for awhile. I had uttered a prayer and written it down in July of 1995, that I would have preferred for her to be my wife and to bring her back one day. She came back about 7 years later.

Around 1997 I had a dream that she was driving a red Mazda Miata and had wrecked it into a telephone pole. I later found out that she actually test drove a red Mazda Miata at about the same time I had that dream. I know this because I have journalled my dreams and thoughts for years. I have journalled this entire experience and though it has been one painful experience I have considered a gift from above - a tribulation that will only make me stronger and can be used to help countless others.

In her dream - (the 3 hour miracle - do a search) last year, she had lost of all of her children. Recently the divorce proceedings had been initiated by myself because I had received information that she was filing, was seeing the person she had an affair with, was screaming at the kids, had plans to hurt me as bad as she could, and just in general seemed to be behaving irrationally. There were a number of things that have happened behind the scenes from her doing that defy logic and rational thought. I have communicated to her the entire time that I do NOT want a divorce, but have been backed into a corner - we can still figure out a way to reconcile. Her response has been it is too late now and on and on, but that was the same thing she told me when she moved out. She has told all of her friends that she is getting a divorce no matter what happens. I figured the only shot we had then was to let her go.
I’m sure much of this was my fault and much of it was hers. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was to stop it and look towards the future instead. I think of it like this. Her calling a lawyer and telling me she wanted a divorce was like putting us at Defcon 3 - preparing for Nucleur war on our family. I waited until I saw the missile doors open and smoke plumes from the missile silos. Her missiles had a malfunction (her lawyer cancelled), I called her and asked her if we could figure out how to reconcile that I didn’t want to do what I was about to do - she said she had to go. I walked into to talk to a divorce attorney for the first time in my life. The papers and a restraining order to keep her from removing the children from the home or their school was filed by 5 O’clock.

I had read in my Bible the day before something about being delivered by noon. You know, a little Bible roulette. From the time I went to the divorce attorney and then got back to my desk - I turned and looked at my desk clock. It said 12:00 right on the dot. Weird.

Her lawyer filed a motion to reconsider on the restraining order. Her lawyer got sick and collapsed about 15 minutes before that hearing. At the next hearing, the judge cancelled. His dockett was full for weeks and he cancelled on the day of our temporary custody hearing.

The ironic part is that all of this stuff happening is in direct alignment with the dream she had last year. Now I don’t know the purpose. It may be that I just get the kids for a little while longer. Who knows, but I just find it hard to believe it coming out this way so far and it just being a coincidence.

There was a another dream though…

My son had a dream a couple days ago. He’s 2.5 years old. He says to me. Daddy - I saw you at McDonald’s. Hmmmmm… okay. I guess he wants to tell me about a dream that he had. I asked him if my wife was there and and he no, but my daughter was there. Then he went on to describe what was apparently another part of the dream. He told me that he saw my wife and me and the two eldest children at a tree. He said _____ got bit by a big snake. He said there was a big black bull there and my wife and I and the eldest child were getting sticks from the tree and hitting the bull. He said “daddy pick me up” while he was in the tree. He also said the tree was small.
Sticks were often used to describe the relationship between two major divisions in God’s kingdom - you know Israel and Judah. Somewhere in Ezekiel it talks about join ing two sticks together - that this will occur in the end times. Many believe we are currently living in those times. Read all about Ephraim and some recent theological theories in this space and you’ll know what I’m talking about. The same story is in the story of the prodigal son. One brother out there being wild and the other doing everything he can to do exactly as his father commands, but missing the key points sometimes. It is a story not only about a son, but about nations - Israel and some say Ephraim (Christians - the Church, etc.). The whole Bible is a story about God tearing down before He can forgive, and then rebuild. I have prayed for almost a year for her to feel the way I feel about God. All is well with my soul - I hope the same will occur for her through this process whether we get back together or not.

Though I don’t claim to understand dream interpretation or always subscribe to them having meaning, I at least thought that it was an interesting dream. The parts I find interesting are that, scripturally, the snake and the bull were always symbols of what we now commonly refer to as the devil and as far as I know - my 2.5 year old son has not studied the Bible lately and wouldn’t be familiar with the symbols involved. Also, many claim that trees are representative of either the family or children when in dreams. Of course, there is little actual science behind this, but interesting none the less.

Many places in the Bible it talks about fools following or even giving creedence to dreams, but I guess when I see certain symbology and “coincidences” occuring it makes me wonder.  My earthly father has prayed for the first time in years. There are parts of my family that are being forced to talk to each other that haven’t talked in years. Nothing like a great calamity to bring everyone together. I don’t yet understand the purpose in all of this, but I feel like I need to tell the story still so that others may benefit. This blog has been my story of being torn down and rebuilt. Perhaps it is her turn - only God knows why and I thank Him for this most painful, but wonderful journey. I ask that you continue to pray for both her, my mother in law, and my children, and if you are feeling really froggy - maybe even me.

My father was a wandering Aramean. This is my story. This blog is about how I came to Jesus, the big man incarnate. This is what has happened to me and I share it with you for the benefit of others. Perhaps I’ll make a movie about it one day.

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