This below was posted in the forum as “Thankful for this site”. It is always interesting how things and prayers get answered in the external world. I was about a day or two from pulling the plug on this site. I figured no one was here anymore, and it wasn’t helping anyone so what’s the point other than me tooting my own horn. Well as usual, something came in right at perfect timing not only for me in my marriage quest, but for this site to continue operations. I need to do a LOT of clean up. I’ve meandered all over the road as I have sought out TRUTH. I think I have gathered enough data to start pulling together everything I have learned into some more robust concepts. Something told me to “write it down” as I began this journey. I don’t know where it is headed still, but as long as it is helping I’m keepin on keeping on.

Here is the post – and thank you – Wurdman, for granting permission to place here:

It has been two years since our marriage of 10 years, fell apart, and I am happy to say that through much hard work, counseling, reading helpful books, talking with friends and family and websites such as this one, we have pulled our relationship and our family (two children), back together. Two separate times we were looking for apartments for her to move out. I was adamant that I was not leaving, that I was staying with the children, and if she was unhappy, she could leave to find whatever it was she needed. We did not fight much or loudly when we did, but I will tell you that at the worst of it, I could never imagine that I would be intimate with my wife again, or that she would ever reach for me, caress me and tell me she loved me as she had before. Last night she did!

At the center of the whole thing, was her finding a sense of self, of having a voice that was of an equal in our relationship, of living a life with a man whom she no longer respected. I had to demand an end to her philandering and lying behavior, (she never cheated physically), I had to take stock of myself, look at myself honestly and see myself the way she was seeing me, and seek to change some things about myself and focus on areas that could lead to a better me, one for whom she would again feel love and respect. We went to counseling, individual and couples. We held together and worked it through and are still working it through, but the sinking feeling of gut wrenching sadness is gone and we are working together to build a future for ourselves and our boys. I think the most important aspect, though, was my not giving up and throwing in the towel and just letting her go. Had we not had kids I might not have done the same thing. At one critical moment, as we were considering a separation, I went to hug her in the kitchen, then one of the boys came in and joined us, and then the other, and we had a group hug right there. At that very moment it dawned on me that I didn’t have to do anything, no matter what all the experts and friends and books suggested, that I didn’t have to make a decision until I was ready. I told her just that, that we don’t have to do anything. I think that showed her that I was in this to stay, that I was not giving up on her, on me, or our family. From that moment we took a huge step towards each other.

This is a very short recap of a two year journey that when it began, felt like treading in quicksand. In the future I’d be happy to go into more detail and give some specific examples of things that took place, they all are definitely not necessarily positive! I hope this can help someone out there that is dealing with a troubled relationship, give you hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel I know this site and it’s information were vital to my coping with the situation.

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I’m Ray. Not really, but for Glass Gloves purposes I’m Ray. Shohn invited me to add some posts and share my separation/divorce experiences here. I’ve already posted a few observations.

I’m 55 years old, married (kind of) to my third wife. (NO NO! Keep reading!)

I was married in 1974 to my first wife, the mother of my only child. I moved from the city we lived in to another 8 hours’ drive away for a job in 1983. She would not move. There’s other factors I’ll skip. In my youth (OK, 33 years old is young when you’re in your 50’s) I filed for and got a divorce.

In Glass Gloves, I’ve already referred to my second wife as “Rachel”. We were married in 1992. We lived happily. We loved each other very much. But in January, 2000, she was diagnosed with cancer. Within two months Jesus released her from her cancer and called her home. I miss her even now. I learned a lot about the grief of losing a spouse then. I’ll share it with Glass Gloves soon. It might be important for someone.

I followed the statistics, and by November, 2000 I was married to “Mrs. Ray”. We loved each other very much, too. But about 18 months ago, Mrs. Ray began having doubts about me. Lots of little things, but they all added up. No affair, drugs, violence, or other “bad” things. Just lots of little stuff. In fact my pastor calls this a “divorce of annoyances”. I do not belittle her reasons, but they run from controlling to lying to procrastination and so on. Sound familiar to anyone? Raise your hands. OK thank you.

Here are some details about my current situation. Hopefully, this may sound familiar to a reader. In other words, these things have happened before, but not to me. And probably not to you, at least until now either.

As I said, Mrs. Ray started complaining about many little things. It seems I often offended people. Or I lied about something. Or I spent money on upgrading my computer when she thinks I should not have. (Hello out there! Do you really, really need Vista right now?) As time wore on, these things built up into frustration on her part, and also on my part as I tried and tried to figure out what I could do to smooth out my marriage. We began seeing a counselor.

Here’s the final straw: In a heated discussion (Honestly, we are pretty good about not arguing, but we do have heated discussions.) I began a sentence, and Mrs. Ray immediately jumped to a 100% wrong conclusion. I suddenly said “Shut up!” (never done that before to my wife!)

Mrs. Ray said “What??”

I replied, “You’ve taken this the absolute wrong way! Let me explain!”

She got up and said “I’m through!” and began to walk away.

I did another thing that I have never ever done to my wife. Ever. I reached out, grabbed her by the hand and pushed her back into her chair. In fear, she did sit down. I told Mrs. Ray that she had the way wrong idea, and I explained what I was trying to say. I explained why I grabbed her like I did – I was desperate that she not walk away with the totally wrong idea. Then she did get up and leave.

That was pretty much it. By the weekend she told me we were getting a divorce. I’ve left out many details, but I did want to share our “last moments” with Glass Gloves. Firstly, so readers will know how I “got” here. Secondly, so that readers might see something similar to their situation (or not).

I will be sharing things I’ve learned here in Glass Gloves. Hopefully I can help another reader realize this is nothing new. Other people have gone through this, and survived one way or another.

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