Three major topic areas so I added numbers below to help separate it out a bit.

1.) It has been about 6 months since the divorce papers were finalized and I’ve probably been at this approaching 3 years now.

Part of me wants to move on, and yet there is part of me that is still hanging on. The kids have been with me most the summer, but that is now over so I am here to face myself again.

As I think about this, the question that should be driving this whole thing is quite simply: Do you love her still?

The answer is yes. With that answer, then that means that I can not move on. Are there ways to force the heart to let go? I don’t think so and it would probably be a disservice to others as it would be a form of suppression and may come up at an inopportune time. I’ve heard many people say after having moved on from their marriages, “Well, I’ll probably always love him/her, but…….”. Makes me sad.

At this point, I still need ways to continue to develop spiritually in the absence of the connection brought about through intimate embrace with one’s spouse. Thus, I am doing my best to take care of her mother and my own mother and learning how to build better relationships with the other women in my life. This at least provides some spiritual food from the feminine perspective. Many saints were known to do such things.

I’ve been celibate effectively for almost 3 years, and have had to learn about various techniques for “raising the energy” to better channel those urges into productive things. The idea is not to deny such things, but rather to transform them into something better. I’ve found some techniques that help with this.

I’ve managed to raised my conscious awareness level to some degree over the last year or so. Periodically throughout the day, I remember to breathe, feel my feet, feel my body, emotions, etc. Things that are taken for granted usually. In addition, I’ve been getting involved in various charitable type movements and such.

Where do we go from here? Well, periodically, God, or that universal consciousness governing all of our existences, still seems to move certain things. Most recently, around May of 2010, My mother in law and I were walking in a Wal-mart and somehow we ran right into my estranged mother of my children. If that wasn’t an act of God, I’m not sure what is. The chances were quite small of us running right into each other. If it would have been across the store I’d chalk it up to chance, but we ran right into each other. They talked and then gave each other hugs and went to eat for a bit. Poetry. It seems that it quickly faded though.

My daughter was in the hospital recently and once again, we were brought together like mother and father caring for our child to some degree. She refused to come to the hospital to see our daughter, but we at least managed to laugh here and there over the phone.

Of course, it has all turned to hell since then as it usually does. I’ve concluded that due to the way most of this just does not make any sense at all, that it is karma. My soul must have lived as someone else in some other dimension or time period and as a result, I’m living out this life to learn the necessary experiences for my soul I suppose. At least that is the theory at this time.

We all reap what we have sown. So, somehow I have sown this whether I (or other parts of me) want to admit it or not, or there is some valuable lesson to be learned. Woe is me? Nah. I tell myself: “I chose this! I did this!” and it seems to make it easier to bear. In other words, somehow in some alternate plane of existence, my soul or parts of me that I am ordinarily not aware of chose this path. Through my recent spiritual experiences, I have confirmed that we are much more than our body and that there are, in fact, multiple independently operating parts of our consciousness that seem to “sync” up periodically. Call it soul, spirit, or whatever, I’ve seen and experienced it for myself.

I’ve decided that all I can continue to do is to work on being a better me. So I work in consciousness exercises and have decided to just be happy even when I’m sad. Is happiness truly a decision?

It is interesting what this invokes in people. I think that by striving to achieve certain things, it seems to make people angry because it shines a light on what they are not doing. I’d say that people we see in our lives is a reflection of something in ourselves, and somehow my presence causes people to question themselves or something.
Recently I was asked: “Do you believe I’m going to hell?” and I didn’t even say anything – lol. Fun. Others have responded by becoming vegetarian themselves, or asking more questions. It is different for everyone it seems.

2.) Well, I think I’ve figured out why our country is having so much trouble. It is the word, Hello. I think it may trigger an association to the word Hell, everytime someone is greeted. Hello – Brings to mind pictures of demons and sulfuric temperatures? Maybe not, but just in case I’ve decided to replace that word.

Instead, I am now using either Shelmo, or Shallo which is a combination of Shalom + Hello. Tell your friends!

3.) I’ve managed to home school our children on some levels this last summer and it was awesome. They learned so much in such a quick span that I realize, on some levels, how off the mark we are as a nation. If you have the means to home school your children, I suggest you at least try. It may very well help save your children’s soul.

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I thought this was an excellent Living Scripture from a friend of mine named Beth:

One must be careful with the concept of “help.” I once took my young children to a museum where there was an exhibit of baby chicks that were in
the process of hatching. My middle daughter reached over and began to peal away the shell from what she perceived to be a struggling chick. The
attendant quickly chastised her for doing so. She knelt down on my daughters level, and explained to her that the chick NEEDED to struggle it’s
OWN way out of the shell in order to build the muscles to live properly. She explained that if helped, the chick would either be crippled, or could
die as a result of being “helped.”

I think this could have a similar significance in the marriage restoration. Let’s be real. I have no idea what is going to happen next. We had some minor quakes occur on the 7th and 8th – we spoke twice on both days – for a record breaking 7 minutes on the 8th. She requested my help with involving our kids for the first time in almost 1.5 years and wasn’t asking for money. This was huge for her to involve me. It was the first time we had spoken at any length for almost 2 months. A random event is what spurned the phone call – it came out of the blue.

Haven’t heard from her since. I realize that there are certain lessons that she is needing to learn and I want to help her, but each time I am robbing her of the needed lessons. Counter balancing this with the understanding that our kids need their mother and their father. It is a very fine line to walk. When I first started this journey I had a different definition of love than what I have now. There is a time to interfere and there is a time to sit back and allow a person the freedom to learn things on their own. My pesky ego wants to take control and say we could solve this whole thing in 1-2 months, yet God has me prohibited from doing so.

One of the things I’ve learned is to try and package truth with love. Over the course of the last year she has done certain things that I disagreed with and it probably came off as judgmental to her. I’ve been trying to learn how to better package what I write in a manner that can be received, yet is still truth. It seems that by delivering truth, I become tested at a similar level. Something will happen and I’ll be tested. If I can remain aware long enough and realize it is a test, then I can make a more informed decision and discern potential outcomes.

What is really weird, is when I respond with love – whatever barb were thrown my way – seem to magically disappear a short while later as though someone or something is up there intervening. If I respond with haste, or without love – it blows up in my face – every single time.

Moving on….

So was the astrology stuff right? Yeah on some levels it was right on the money. The 7th and 8th were pretty big. I started doing a search of history and found that it was used by all sorts of smart fellows and theologians alike. Heck, even the founder of what is now Citibank used it. However, in a similar way as everything else, what I am finding is that there is A LOT of junk out there. There is a lot of misuse, but it DOES give one the ability to better understand one’s self. This in turn can allow one to actually LOVE people. I don’t mean the hip new age all you need is love mantra preached by some aspects of our culture. I mean loving people from where they are at. It is easier said than done, but when you begin to understand why people are they way they are – it helps. It helps in understanding that your spouse is in many ways your EXACT opposite and thinks exactly opposite you. There is probably a reason for that.

I recently read about a bishop in the Catholic Church denied Christian burial for having an astrology book under his pillow when he died. I’m finding many more interesting tidbits such as this the more I dig.

I also thought that this was something that should certainly make me think (posted with permission):

In 1972, my sisters husband was murdered. I found her and her 4 children a home in my neighborhood. I had only been studying astrology for about a year or two. I saw that my husband (at the time) would be sexually attracted to her from the chart that I worked on her. I fretted about that. My Scorpio planets and that Cancer ascendant were working overtime with the imagination and the suspicions. I went to see Joy Tally, a well known psychic in Virginia Beach. She voiced all the fears that was in my mind, told me that my husband and sister would have an affair. A year passed. My sister and her family adjusted nicely in my neighborhood. My husband hardly paid any attention to my most gorgeous sister (I live with her now) It never happened. Then one day a fellow astrology student and I were going over a chart or two in my dining room. My sister stopped by and saw her chart on the table.

“Joyce, I wasn’t born that year. I was born in —–” The psychic told me what was in my head and the thoughts were wrong. She was expensive, but the lesson was, indeed, very valuable.

What does that tell you, Mary? Some psychics can read your mind and think that your thoughts are the truth. Charts are often mis-interpreted too.

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“There shall be signs in the sun, the moon, and the stars.” Luke 21:25

Astrology.

Bunk. Of the Devil. Evil.

I used to think of such things as astrology as sheer nonsense. Utter and COMPLETE Foolishness. The more I study spiritual things, the bible, etc. the more I am learning about how much is in there about astrological stuff that we have been TOLD to ignore. That we have been lead to believe is evil, when it seems to be – just the opposite. Allow me to explain.

I’m not talking about horoscopes here. Those are bunk. I’m talking about “Real” astrology – which means charting stars, birth times, and coordinates. Things forgotten for thousands of years and ignored by our scientists who think this place just sort of sprang into being and that everything is random. The church isn’t helping much either as they seem to possess fragments of taboo from the dark ages still.

There seems to be some sort of cultural stigma – at least for me -  that has been preserved as a cultural taboo due to the dark ages. You know – grab your torch and pitchfork – there’s an astrologer – let’s get him…. raaaaaah. Or in another situation, someone may respond “Get behind me Satan!!!!!”.

Some of my spiritual mentors have informed me that it is actually one of many tools that can be used to “Know thyself”, which would be part of any descent spiritual exploration program. 

So I gave it a shot.

I hired a “professional” astrologer. Not one of these clowns on late night television mind you, but someone who is bonafide. Tried and true. I even used my limited powers of intuition to find the ideal astrologer, for me anyway.

I had to get my birth data. Apparently it is not recorded on my birth certificate so I had to contact the hospital. We got the birth time close until the hospital replies back with the actual time.

We did the best we could with my birth data, and already the results seem promising. She told me things about myself, about my personality, even about things buried deep down inside that I don’t talk about at cocktail parties. I tried to apply the things she was saying to other people I know and they weren’t matching so I figured that yeah, this was me and not some generality that I was wanting to believe. She was specific, but allowed for flexibility in how things MAY unfold.

She told me about my ability to piss people off without even trying. She told me about my knees even. My knees you say?

My knees started hurting about a month ago. Here we are sitting here going through the astrological chart and then the next thing you know she states – your knees are probably going to be hurting pretty bad for the next 6 months and should have started hurting recently. Have they? Gulp. Yes, they have actually. It is the strangest thing – I’ve never had problems with my knees.

She gave me a blue print of what COULD occur within my ongoing marital struggles and that it was likely that by the time my wife may want to come back, that I would no longer want the relationship. I was saddened by this.

She was very candid and wouldn’t allow me to lie to myself. Dang. She said that sometimes it is difficult to lay these things out exactly because things can be misread or misinterpreted, but gave some upcoming time frames for when things were more likely to change. When the tides were favorable so to speak and when they were not. Which direction the winds of change would be blowing and for how long.

We will see how it all plays out, but I think I am sold so far. She had me at the knees.

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As I have begun to state recently, part of my growth has centered on taking every thought captive to Christ as is written in the scriptures. This would seem to be a part of a good walk towards the Lord. As you read the story of my marriage and its seeming failure, what you may also note is that over the course i have explored many things spiritually speaking. This seems to be part of the “awakening” process. I now find myself to starting to center on one path though I can not say with certainty that this could not change as I grow and develop – climb new spiritual mountains as it were.

I can talk the talk, but can I walk the walk?

One of the things I had done before was to take that part of my minding capable of observing myself in action ( as though I were outside of my self – watching my self) and had used it to watch forces that moved within me that were part of the downfall of my marriage. I couldn’t always do it. Sometimes the emotion would overwhelm me, and then what I would call the “ego” would take over and become selfish and what not and no longer display agape.

Again, make no mistake, it wasn’t all me – and this is definitely not my choice; however, my wife seems to feel that she simply can not be happy with us together for the time being or ever for that matter. I suppose things could change in the future as we both continue to grow and develop (which she is very much doing now), but like a flower on a rose bush – I can not force it to bloom ahead of schedule. For the time being I am working towards being her “unconditional” friend and tossing out getting back with her – for now. This means I must accept certain POTENTIAL realities that MAY come to pass – her shacking up with another man or something.

As I confront the realities within myself, what I am finding is that the observer part of me is getting stronger somehow. Over the last couple of days there has been some greater than normal fireworks between the wife and I, and it seems that this has provided me with more opportunities to observe the movements as they occur within and to better understand myself. As these fireworks occur, I was able to split part of myself outside that still had enough control to observe me and as the emotions surged – to mitigate my actions and words to something lesser than what my fire tongued eloquence would have said a year ago. I feel the rising panic movement and almost talk to it in my head – saying – is this wise, etc.? It isn’t perfect yet, but I can definitely FEEL it getting stronger.

The reason it is new, is because I can feel it internally now. Before, i had to rely on the external for the most part. Let me explain.

Over the last 6 months or so, I had started to gather a sense of when things were going to move externally by virtue of being confronted with moral dilemmas in my life. Life moves in cycles and seems to be designed that way. If we are AWARE of this FACT, then we can realize that as the bad occurs – it is actually an opportunity for GROWTH – to do the right thing.

Each time a major choice or test was arriving in my life – it seems that often the pattern of 1122 would arrive with it about a day before on receipts, clocks, license plates, etc. These tests would the those same forks in the road that all of us approach in our life. Well, I guess I was Mr. Special (Ed) because this number pattern would proceed mine almost every single time. 1122.

This pattern, 1122, had followed me around off and on for about a year or so; however, I was unable to discern a potential connection until last November.

Last year, near election day 2008 I had a sort of gut feeling to go to the store which required walking about half a mile. On the trip, I knew that something was coming – a message as it were. I can’t explain how, but it was that sense of “knowing” that something was about to happen. I went and bought some grape juice and then stopped by the voting center. My thoughts centered on karma / abortion as I was contemplating the various options for voting. I found out I was unable to vote in the local election, but was able to vote in the national election. I then headed out back the way I came still pondering secondary and tertiary karmic implications of various decisions one could make in an act as simple as voting.

A train horn blared and soon the train had arrived. I was forced to stop. As the train passed, I was studying the graffiti. Towards the end of the train, a car came by with the number 1122 painted on it. Suddenly I knew what I was here for had been delivered. This car was immediately followed immediately by another car with big letters saying KARMA. In a bit of mental recall, suddenly the events of the last year replayed in my head and I had noted that there were key decisions coming up or opportunities to “turn the other cheek” and invoke positive karma or to take the road more traveled and invoke negative karma whenever the sequence 1122 would pop up again. Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of such laws such as Karma until only recently.

As I researched this, I discovered that some folks in the new age say that such patterns are actually angels and such attempting to get our attention, other say that it is just our “higher self”, some say it is just nonsense. All of this depends upon one’s point of view, but it felt very comforting to know that I was not the only one playing these mental games and that folks had arrived at this independently of me. Here is an excellent article about the subject (79 hits). By the way, Steve Pavlina, the author of the article is a “swinger” now, which is something I can’t condone; however, his article provides another viewpoint on what I am talking about.

What is different now, is that in seeing that the external world is actually a reflection of what is going on inside of me.

Part of what had lead up to this was “feeling” the emotions as they arrive. All too often they would be there, sort of in the background, but I wouldn’t actually FEEL them. My mentors in spiritual stuff have indicated that I should FEEL the emotions in order that they may be released. As I FEEL them, they seem to be getting released and I am finding a new found freedom in some areas.

The mediation being scheduled in a weird sort of way acted as a bit of a catalyst to open up a whole new universe within me.

I shall continue to explore this path and see where it leads.

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Yesterday I had a lunch date with a cute brown eyed girl with dirty blonde hair.

She doesn’t make a lot of money, but has the sweetest disposition… and she even gave me hugs and lots of kisses on the first date!

Attached is a pic of my latest lunch date! I’m thinking of going on a second date with her, but I’d like your opinion just in case I need to steer clear of this one …..

I went to have lunch with a little daughter of mine. We were both so excited to see each other. If you have marital problems, focus on your kids while you wait. It brings can bring a tremendous amount of joy to both your hearts!

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A Country western singer – Garth Brooks I think, wrote a song called the Dance. I was never really into country western music, but I’ve always secretly liked that song.

I started dancing lessons this evening at the behest of the ambassador to my wife, namely, my mother in law.

It was interesting. I’ve danced plenty of times, but nothing quite so formal and structured. The lady taught how the male was to lead and how the female was to follow his lead. The active male energy juxstaposed against the passive female energy. Then she would switch roles.

I found myself doing okay, but then the two left feed engaged when attempting to perform a left box turn. I felt the development of the feminine side within me as my dance partners provided instruction and suggestions. I felt the active male side as I found myself attempting to lead my dance partner away from a certain coffee table equipped with some sort of strange gravity type force.

It was an enlightening experience. I should have done this 10 years ago.

10 years ago, I would have considered something like this – a waste of time. A complete waste of perfectly good time. Yes, a waste of time. It would have been an arbitrary custom that we are encouraged to learn for no other reason other than to parade mindlessly about a dance floor without substancet to our being. Yet, on the surface – substance there is not, but as with many things in life – it has deeper meaning still.

Tonight what I saw was a metaphor in the unfolding of the same dance that we often perform to rediscover who we are, the same dance that we may perform with our spouses and other loved ones that may even serve as a greater metaphor for the same dance we perform with our soul and our Creator.

Creator and Createe in lock step partnership letting go and seemingly releasing ane retaking control from time to tiime. Truly an emotional experience to watch the active and passive engage turning and stepping around into something so beautiful with each couple – yet watching the group as a whole growing in knowledge and experience of the dance – each individual and each couple with their own strengths and weakenesses – learning to dance with each other.

Poetry. I had to hide it in front of all the lovely women there, but I had one baby tear in my eye as I left.

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From a forum I participate on (not my words):

So don’t be like me and go
into a mode of spiritual self immolation. Just turn
the knowledge within and use it in all interactions.
The reason you did not see the answer, is because
you did not look within yourself for it. You looked
at the external world, saw a problem, and wanted
something external to fix the problem. This is how
the mass of humanity go through their days. They
look at other people and situations around them and
see a multitude of problems, i.e. “He’s a hot head”,
“She, never shuts up”, “Why aren’t people more
loving?” and one I’m working on now “He/She is
selfish” (Actually, these were all part of my
delusion at one time or another) When we externalize
these judgments, we are failing to recognize the
true reflective reality, that being that these are
aspects of our own divided nature. To turn it
within, we have to replace the other with ourselves
and thereby know ourselves, i.e. “I’m a hot head”,
“I never shut up”, “I’m not loving”, “I’m selfish”.
Most never awaken to this truth and remain blind to
their own nature. As such, they must ever face
themselves in the external world by constantly
meeting people or being in situations that are the
reflection of their own inner nature.
Finally, it seems, and I could be wrong because this
has not been experiential for me, but it seems from
observing members of my own family, that the more
someone is given the opportunity to know an aspect
of themselves yet continue to externalize it as a
fault in the other or in circumstance, the less and
less likely it becomes that they will break free of
the delusion in their own mind. I hope this has been
helpful.

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The Victim Script. You know people that play it. Heck, there are plenty of times on this stupid blog that I have played it.

Some folks like to turn themselves into a victim on just about everything. Reminds me of a commerical I once saw. The scene is regarding a labor pool and the difference between some college grads from a local college and the standard no degreed labor pool. The boss comes in and instructs the laborers on a task that needs to be completed.

The first pool of laborers says something to the effect “Why are you picking on me?”.

The second pool of laborers says something to the effect “I’ll have it done by end of day”.

The commericial was designed to push a local university’s agenda, but I think it illustrates what a difference point of view can make.

I know that I have done this on parts of my marriage and so has the wife. As I do the post mortem on what all went wrong, the objective is to make sure that it doesn’t happen again and share with others so that they can see whether or not they are doing the same things.

It is often hard for folks playing the victim script to see that they are playing the victim script. Everything that is said can get twisted and turned into the role of a victim. As I understand it, we should always seek to avoid making ourselves the victim.

I watched it happen with a friend of mine, but what was cool was this person recognized it. They went “Oh – I didn’t realize I was doing that”, this person then sought ways to improve this aspect of themselves. This person then help me identify one of my weaknesses – the fragment of my personality I had written about the other day. Sometimes it takes years of pain to take off the welding glasses and see ourselves in the mirror.

Sometimes it takes realizing that what we see in others is actually just a reflection of what we see in ourselves.

The way I understand it though… it starts like this as an example. Someone may call you up or come over and visit and decide to unload some problems or issues. They continue for say 20 minutes. Eventually, you as the recipient – though trying to be a good friend – may start to tune out on occassion. At this point, the brain or whatever is controlling the person may cue up a feeling that they need a REASON to feel they way they feel. Since there is noone in sight, but you – that friend’s brain then identifies a new target and REASON for their frustration – and guess what … it becomes YOU!

They may then say…. “Is this not important to you?” – “Are you ignoring me – because I can leave”. Cue up the Shaft theme song at this point.

Ever had this happen? I know that I have done this to other people, but never knew why. Now that I know the phenomenon – I can do something about it or at least try to!

I’m sure you can think of other similar scenarios. These are termed the law of projection and law of reflection in certain circles.

Sometimes it takes realizing that what we see in others is actually just a reflection of what we see in ourselves.

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I got this message today on myspace from what appeared to be a fairly young and attractive woman.

“Hello there I’m on my daughter’s laptop since mine is not working right now. She had her link open and I got curious so I am taking a look for someone in my area. I could not resist taking a peak… I have just moved to ____ and am currently single and ready to let loose if you know what I mean. Even though I’m a little older I feel young and am adventurous, outgoing, and sexy. You should shoot an email to ____ at yahoo. And we can get to know each other! I hope that this isn’t going to give me any viruses, my daughter will kick my butt if I mess up this computer!

XXXXMarieXXXX : ”

This has something to be said for gut feel. I mean look at the message. It seems real maybe yet it is so obvious that it is spam. I feel it though.. I feel the message isn’t genuine. I thought about that today when giving someone gifts. I made cookies and a pie (my first pie ever!!!!) for the kids when they return to their mother tonight. I baked them with love as it were. Had to check my heart and make sure I wasn’t expecting ANYTHING in return. I suspect that when one gives gifts with anticipation of return, that somehow that energy goes with the gifts and the recipient can “sense” or feel it just as much as I literally had some sort of sensation about the message above. This is unconfirmed, but a theory of mine.

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Arrogance and controlling the tongue. Got some advice from a friend on that today – particularly the last piece. I gotta get the last word in usually. Not sure why. Did a numerological analysis of myself… it fits… says I’m supposed to be a leader, but a consequence is that I’m pushy, that my challenge is to learn to be quiet and respect other viewpoints and not be so pushy all the time. There is a time and place.

Part of my division was invoked by something a friend said today. I felt it. I felt challenged as though it were being implied that I was being untruthful. My pride felt wounded and it rose up to fight. I felt it rise up within me. As it was happening, I was kind of going… whoaaah.. what is this action? It was a fragment of my personality. A certain set of words invoked it. I got emotional. It was invoked by two or three words. Invoked.

The advice was simple – look at the whole picture before speaking. But how? How? Must train and reprogram this area.

I’m challenged with this, because I’ve had many years of on the job programming to react quickly in conversation – lest I give away tactical position in the conversation. This was when answering to executives on the million dollar questions. In those situations, often hesitation can be a sign of weakness or an answer that is less than genuine. It seems I must reprogram this side of my psyche somehow and figure out where this fragment came from. Perhaps contemplation is acceptable for most folks and not every setting is a board room. I’ll ponder this for a few days, but now that it has been made abundantly clear to me that there is a fragment I need to work on – the work can begin.

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