Glass Gloves

On Monday last week, I “pulled the plug” on communicating with my wife. An old habit I’m trying to stop (see “I promise! Really! (156 hits)“) caused me to lie to her (an issue about selling our house). I took it upon myself to email, confess and ask her her forgiveness. The reply was a simple “Apology accepted”. Even in an age where you only get these two typewritten words, I knew she was seething. (I learned later that my lie was enough to cause her to call it quits once and for all.) I decided to give Mrs. Ray her space, following the tactics of the original “Counterintuitive (213 hits)” post. For most of the week she did not try to contact me. I was really feeling the stretch (”What’s going on in her mind???“).

Late Thursday night I received an email. A page and a half. She was torn and not sure what to do (emotionally) next. Ultimately she really did want to see me again.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m posting this here not for boasting or victory, but to show you that this tactic worked for one person, in a very touchy situation. Every situation is different, but consider that Mrs. Ray was actually ready to drop it all and finish the divorce proceedings. I kept the strength (barely, and with God’s help) though the week. Inside, I was depressed and worried about what would happen next. Through God’s grace, I managed to survive, and our marriage still has a chance.

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If you’ve ever read the about (107 hits) section of this site, you would know that I’m trying to build up enough stories and data to help folks trying to stop a divorce, save a marriage, etc. Well I think someone may have written a book that will help not only for preventative maintenance, but helping understand your woman better and her to understand you which will ultimately help understand how to get out of this mess. I think some of the tactics will change because most likely she is in her “alter mean ego” still, but as the nice side of her pops in and out - I just think some of this stuff would be useful.

You see, I stated previously that I was reading a book (93 hits) about women, called for men only, and that sometimes my wife is still a mystery female to me. She also confessed that she didn’t always understand my preoccupation with the horizontal polka, but was respectful of my needs anyway.

The version (entitled “for women only”)

(12 hits)

that she is reading must be awesome, because she is now understanding many things about me as a guy, that she had accepted before, but never really understood why. She is now seeking to understand even better what makes us guys tick and seems to have come to some sort of realization or Eureka moment on many of my past behaviors. Guys, if your lady doesn’t get you - get this book for her and you get the guy’s version. Don’t forget about not pushing, but I bet she won’t be able to resist this book. Girls - the version for your man (for men only) has a section on sex in it - if you can’t get your guy to open the book, just leave it on that section and it may be enough to draw him in.

Awesome stuff - it even has stats on what the heck women want and are thinking. All guys like stats and how to get more sex, right?

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“Counterintuitive” – what a word! Six syllables made of 16 letters. Split it in half to get a better idea: “Counter” means against. “Intuitive” means something like results being what you expected (like in intuition). So, getting results opposite what you thought might happen!

I’m not changing the subject here, bear with me. Although I’m 55 years old, I’ve bought my first ever motorcycle. (Riders, you can skip this paragraph!) The most surprising thing I’m learning about is the way you steer a motorcycle – if you want to turn right, you actually push the handlebars to the left! (Just a tiny bit, but still you turn the opposite way.) My mind and body might be yelling “We’re gonna crash!” but my eyes and brain manage to make the turn by turning the front wheel the other way.

So, what’s this got to do with your (crumbling) marriage? You work counterintuitively. This is the scariest, hardest thing to do, and, like the title suggests, it can get dangerous. Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family (110 hits) wrote a book called Love Must Be Tough. This web page: Hope for Couples in Crisis (217 hits) has a very good description of the idea. It’s a bit of a read, but well worth it. The upshot is to actually allow the leaving spouse their space! There is a link on that page to the Love Must Be tough book.

Dobson poses three results: 1) Since you have “let them go”, there is no need to fight any more, and your relationship will improve just because you two don’t need to fight. 2) The leaving spouse might consider, now, that maybe there is something in our marriage after all. For the third result, I can’t say it better than Dr. Dobson. Pay attention:

The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one [that be you – Ray]. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.

What’s in this for you? You have a plan. In the book you will see how you do gain control. (Not in a control freak way, but in a way that makes it easier for your spouse to rethink things and possibly return.) When you have a good idea of what’s happening, you will definitely feel better about your situation, and get your self respect back.

Guarantees? Remember you’re working without a safety net. But consider your alternatives: Your spouse has already (or nearly) walked out. If nothing changes, it’s just “Good bye” anyway. However, by taking the high road here, you still could remain on good terms with your spouse, which makes vital communication all that much easier.

When my wife moved out, I helped her move! I also told her I did want to find some reconciliation. I did the grunt work, driving the truck, setting up her bed, installing the washer – whatever. What did that accomplish? Later that week, when she had some small emergencies, she called me, of all people! And within the week she volunteered that there may still be some way we could work things out. Your mileage may vary, but I know this small break in her attitude would not have been possible if I had not supported her decision in the way I did. My situation (as of the end of 2006) is not nearly out of the woods. But as Dobson says, I do feel much better about things, and, of course, my wife actually came up with the idea of seeing if we might be able to work things out!

Be Brave. Be on your knees in prayer. Stick with it. God Bless.

Check out the update entry (162 hits).

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This post will be a bit crass, but it is reality for most men. Ladies - consider this counter intelligence and counter intelligence!

I can honestly say that this is one area that I have been fortunate enough to have had an understanding wife. She understand this part of the male psyche, that we are often a visual creature, etc.

Let’s just get to it - why do guys look at womens’ rear end (159 hits) as they pass by or sometimes focus on the cleavage during conversation?

I honestly don’t know. I guess we’re just hard-wired that way - well most of us. This used to frustrate me so much. It is actually a habit in myself that I have been trying to vanquish for years. I’m almost there, but it still pops up from time to time.

My wife and I would be sitting down at dinner or something and an attractive woman would walk by. I would actually catch myself observing the rear end of the attractive woman as she walked by. My wife would catch me red handed, but was smart enough to know that it almost an uncontrollable / unconscious thing with me and for most men. She would then proceed to poke a little fun at me - the big ape that I am.

My wife had a girl friend that didn’t see it that way though. Her friend would catch her fella doing something like that at a dinner outing and would blow a gasket. The whole night would be ruined I am told. Maybe her hubby is just “blatant and no tact” about it though. I can just imagine him whipping out a camera to take a few pics home while he was at it.

Now what I can say is this - I honestly make an effort not to do this sort of thing. I want to have eyes for only one woman - my wife. To look on another woman is a quality in myself that I find revolting, but I have accepted that at times - it happens and fortunately my wife doesn’t rake me over the coals when it does happen.

I’ve talked about this phenomenon with my wife at great length. I even asked her one time - “Why do women show cleavage in the work place?” It bugs me sometimes because it seems to be distracting in a work environment. She informed me that it is often just a result of the clothing that is commonly available now a days - they can’t help it.

Now guys here’s the rub - if you do get caught in the act on this - don’t deny it to your sweetheart - especially if she’s a bit insecure. It is a futile effort - just explain that it just a male thing and that you have no intentions of leaving her and for heaven’s sake at least work on it.

Now that we have gotten this far I thought that this may help some of you guys relate to your lady. You see - just in as much as there are almost uncontrollable urges for you to turn your head as a good looking girl walks by, women have their own set of emotional things that are difficult for them to control.

Us guys like to put all of our emotions in a nice little box and say “There - isn’t that neat and organized”. It doesn’t always work that way for them and they can control some of those emotions just about as well as we can resist turning our head! They have something called “memory popups” - that just surface out of nowhere and cause them emotional affliction. My wife had one of these the other day on the way to her parents’ house for Christmas. I asked “Can you just leave it alone?” - yeah eventually she will, but she just doesn’t quite have as tight a handle on the emotions created by old memories.

I never understood that part until I read the book below given to me as a Christmas present by my wife’s folks. Coincidentally, I opened the book right up to the section that talked about this phenomenon after we had just had this problem on the way to her parent’s house. Weird.

It is an awesome book, but probably most useful to you for explaining past behaviors and for marriage maintenance mode. I think this book would be extremely useful for someone who has quite a bit of resentment built up (i.e., your spouse that is trying to leave). It explains a number of things that are probably contributing to your spouse’s resentment. Ladies there is a counterpart for you too called “for women only”. My wife is reading it - we’ll see how it goes.

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There is a scene in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” where the patriarch in the family believes that since he is the head of the family things should be his way. There is no way his daughter is going to marry a non-Greek agnostic. His wife slyly retorts - the head can not move without a neck! His wife managed to convince the patriarch otherwise about the approval of his daughter’s suitor. Before the movie was complete the non-Greek agnostic actually goes through the Church ceremonies.

How lucky for this woman getting married that they could begin to agree on such a significant religious issue well before the marriage had commenced. Others are not as fortunate. Some of us are confronted with situations where we think we know our spouse’s spiritual leanings, but over a period of time we learn the truth or our spouse’s faith begins to waiver as was the case with my wife.

I discussed this subject with a friend of mine having some marital problems of her own today. Apparently her husband doesn’t believe in praying and is a bit on the agnostic side. In effect - he either never believed or has become so lost that it as though he never did. I decided to refer my friend to some Biblical passages that I uncovered during my own search to save my marriage. 1 Corinthians (130 hits) 7:13-15 discusses the subject of divorce. For those who have never read the Bible - this is an excerpt from a passage from one of Jesus’ disciples, Paul, written to the Greeks of Corinth about many topics including marriage.

I believe the intent of these specific verses is that if you are Christian and your spouse is not, you should lead by example in your marriage and hopefully your spouse will eventually turn to God. It also indicates that if your spouse is not a believer and decides to leave, then as a Christian you should let them. It seems that this may be a bit of a Biblical loop-hole for Christians married to non-believers.

I doubt a loop-hole is what you need if you are reading this though. I imagine you really want to save your marriage, even if your spouse’s spiritual leanings or lack thereof, are different from your own. I imagine that somewhere deep down inside you really love your spouse and would prefer not to exercise some Biblical loop-hole, but instead save your marriage. There are plenty of people who have done it. Let me tell you about one.

A family member of mine told me about his mother in law who waited 30 years for her husband to stop being an abusive alcoholic. As the story was told to me, this guy was agnostic as well. At some point, this man had what alcoholics sometimes call “a moment of clarity”. He felt the presence of the Divine and never drank again. What dedication to the marriage that woman must have had to wait that long. If he had ever wanted to leave, and I imagine there were times that he did, then his wife would have been fully justified in releasing him if she stuck strictly to the letter of the law in what Paul wrote. Instead, she waited patiently for him to change. That kind of strength is rare in our 24X7 (157 hits) society. Most of us would just waltz on down to the court house and get a divorce.

The hope is that through the assistance of the Man above, your unwaivering faith, and unconditional love, that you may eventually help save your marriage and your spouse’s soul to boot! If you are a believer just remember, you are not alone in this. For those who don’t believe in Jesus- getting your spouse back may hurt as bad as crucifixion but it is still possible. It will take a different kind of love from you, one that you may not be used to.

Did you know that the Greeks actually had several words to describe the different kinds of love? Is the mysterious concept of creating a working marriage Greek to you? Fortunately for you - there is a book (12 hits) that talks all about the different kinds of love as they relate to marriage.

I’ve observed in my own search that many of the secular resources out there actually borrowed many of the concepts from the Bible. Nothing wrong with that I suppose, but I think it is ironic that there are timeless truths written in the ancient Hebrew and Greek Biblical texts. They have been translated and repackaged into something even the modern divorce “trigger happy” sophisticate can understand.

Even if you don’t believe in all this Bible stuff you can still learn some valuable lessons.

Check out the first three chapters of Hosea, and especially 1 Corinthians (130 hits). For those of you who can’t seem to say the right thing to your wife - check out James 3.

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I read one book called The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships (10 hits). Honestly, this book was a bit too complex for my mind at that time. The target audience is women so that may have something to do with it - perhaps my simple male brain lacks the depth of relationship experience to truly understand everything Dr. Lerner is trying to say. I did learn one thing though. My wife needed space, but there was an amount of space that was appropriate.

If I gave her too much space I would start to lose her - too little and I would push her away. I used my male analytical skills to determine how much space she needed and gave her exactly that. It is counter intuitive. I wanted to just chase and chase, but that pushes her type of personality away. If your wife has said “I just need some space” in the past, then this might be a good read for you. It was really weird this phenomenon. I said to my counsellor - “Do you mean if I just leave her alone she has a better chance of coming back?”. In my wife’s case, the answer was a resounding yes.

I’m speculating, but if your wife is a bit of a drama queen, then maybe you need to give her less space.

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Marriages and relationships have stages. Stage 1 = Initial Bliss. Stage 2 = Fight Fight Fight. Stage 3 = Acceptance of each other / Intimacy. Stage 4 = Oneness. If you are reading this, you are may be close to reaching stage 3 if you can make it out of the mess you both are in. At stage 2 it is possible that the things that initially attracted your partner to you have become liabilities in your spouse’s eyes and possibly vice versa.

For example:

He is easy going = He is irresponsible.

She is detail oriented = She is too picky.

He is educated / intelligent = He thinks he is smarter than everyone.

She is athletic = She cares too much about sports.

He is fun loving = He never wants to be serious.

She is responsible = She is boring.

Get the idea?

Be aware of this phenomenon; however, you don’t have to change who you are - at least not completely. If you are generally a good guy/girl your spouse may recognize that, but there is no doubt you do some things that are driving him / her away. You’ve got to accept yourself and then work towards making yourself even better. Repackage your self - but you don’t have to change everything.

If you think this is cheesy, I suggest you read Dr. Phil’s book not only for the cheese, but to get yourself in the right mind state for bettering yourself. Your spouse can only follow once you lead the way. At some point, you may reach stage 3 - finally your spouse has accepted you and you have accepted your spouse. It has become a better US!

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It’s an old story. The man in the relationship gets stuck in the “dog-house” - everyone later says haha - he is in the dog-house. We all laugh about it later. He then proceeds to buy roses, chocolates, or other junk that he thinks will somehow mean something to his sweetheart. Sometimes it works, but the reality is if you keep doing the same things to get in the dog-house, you’re going to be in the dog-house permanently i.e., divorced.

The worst part is that eventually the ol’ buy her roses trick is about as meaningful to her as giving her your pocket lint and can actually have the opposite effect if you’ve never done the ol’ buy her roses trick. In addition, sometimes the roses never meant anything to her anyway (more about this in the last paragraphs).

In other words, if your sweetheart is trying to leave you then such gestures can be perceived negatively. Remember, everyone wants to believe this line: “I am a good person”. This can turn into some fairly convenient rationalization for her. Just imagine the possibilities:

“He shouldn’t have spent money on me - what a moron - why would I want to be with that moron”.

“He should have been doing that all along”.

“He only did that because he is scared - how pathetic”.

You get the idea. You must understand that she is probably trying to rationalize her decision to leave you. She knows a divorce will be tough and painful, but she’d rather have that than you. Anything you do can be perceived negatively. Stop doing all the things you know make her angry - and don’t do them again. Stop now. Then keep doing the positive gifty things - she becomes the priority. Be sure the standard you set matches what you did when you were first dating. If you’re reading this - you obviously messed up some how and she is the one who wants to leave - not you. So no matter how much of this you think is her fault - you’ve got to change first before she will follow - and don’t slack up this time. Ask God to help you with that last part. Back to gifts.

I’ve heard horror stories of the “make up” flowers or candy or whatever being promptly deposited in the trash upon receipt by the object of one’s affection. This may be the same person who says “excuse me” in public if they happen to belch. Remember, she is not herself, and in all likelihood - she probably can’t stand the sight of you right now. So if she does something mean - just take the high road.

Okay - we’re getting closer to how I started to get out of the biggest dog-house I’ve eve been in. I stopped everything I was doing and searched for those things that I had always planned to give her, but never did. You know your lady - maybe she’s into mink coats or trips to Paris, but whatever it is figure out that something that she would find truly meaningful. There is a trick though. It has to be selfless and needs to make you somewhat vulnerable. I’m not suggesting getting a 2nd mortgage for a ridiculous diamond ring or buying her a 3rd BMW, but I hope you’re getting the idea by now. It can’t seem like you are just checking off some list. You can be creative and thoughtful for once.

Of course, I am just sharing my personal experiences, but I think some of this applies to every relationship in trouble. I had to do almost completely opposite of what my self-preservation instincts told me. It is an old story - follow your heart they say. Again, your mileage may vary - for all I know you may have a complete psychopath on your hands. If so, you may need to reengage those self-preservation instincts. Before you do, just know that sometimes people are not themselves once they have been pushed too far and if you are reading this then it is you who did the pushing. Even if she is acting a bit mentally unbalanced you should know whether it is normal for her or not.

Finally. Here is what I did. My wife has never really been anywhere and definitely wanted some “space”. I needed to respect her space without putting her with a crop of naysayers encouraging her to take me to the cleaners. I also wanted to show her that I really did love her. I asked God for some inspiration and suddenly remembered how I had planned to take her on a trip to some place she had never been. Except she would be going alone to help her get some space.

I sent her on a fun packed trip to Colorado by cashing in my frequent flyer and hotel miles. She went for a week. It cost me about $600 bucks. As she was leaving she actually responded “I love you too” sincerely for the first time in many months to my usual “I love you”. She was gone 7 days - I took off the whole week to watch the kiddos while she was gone.

This gesture was completely opposite of the workaholic penny pinching fellow she was used to. My friends’ wife found out and informed me that it was absolute genius and that we would be just fine. Two days after she returned it seemed like everything had become like a new relationship (that initial bliss in any new relationship). Your mileage may vary, but this sure did help us out.

I learned a couple of valuable lessons as follows:

1.) Gifts can be offensive if you never gave them before. Too little too late.

2.) Everyone needs different kinds of gifts (i.e., I love yous, roses, doing the dishes, the horizontal polka, backrubs, or whatever). You need to figure out what kind of gifts your sweetheart is most receptive to. For example, my wife used to buy me clothes and cologne for Christmas. I can relate to this because clothes and cologne mean nothing to me, but her sending me a text message with “I love you” (words of affirmation) makes my whole day.

The different kinds of gifts are outlined in this book: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (14 hits). I read this one, it is a quick read and you can get the idea after reading a couple chapters. While this is a good book (recommended by most folks I’ve talked to), it seems to me that it would only be useful at certain stages in a divorce. It seems like it would be more useful after you manage to rekindle your relationship or shortly before she decides to file for divorce. It did have some fun albeit cheesy love games. The best thing I remember about it was some guy who was told that his wife wanted his help washing the clothes. He couldn’t understand how that would make her feel loved, but once he understood he responded something to the effect - if that’s all it takes then I’ll wash the clothes every day!

In summary - I’d figure out what she likes and if you are in a heap of trouble it had better be selfless, good, and make you vulnerable.

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Okay, so half-way through the recovery of my marriage (the divorce was still proceeding) I was talking to one of my friends about all the silly things that my wife and I were doing to each other. It was a train off the tracks. My friend told me a long story about the struggle he went through and then started talking about Dr. Phil. He told me how 9 months ago, he thought of Dr. Phil as a pompous know it all who thought he was better than everyone. At some point though, he did get so desperate that he actually purchased one of Dr. Phil’s books called “Relationship Rescue”.

He then told me that he only read a couple of chapters, but here he was 9 months later recommending that I find one of these books and read it. So I did. It was definitely cheesy, but I think I did learn at least one valuable lesson. I learned how bad I actually was towards my spouse, how bad our relationship was, and realized that I needed to make some changes on my part - it wasn’t all her. What a revelation. I read the whole thing in one night and then worked through most of the exercises. In the end, once I presented Dr. Phil’s plan to my spouse - she more or less thought it was stupid, but I think it at least gave me what I needed as far as working some of my own issues. It is a good read - just be careful where you step! Also, if your significant other is in the “divorce is the only option” stage, then I suggest you be very careful about letting him or her know that you reading this lest they realize that you are a bit cheesy too! Once a person is in that state of mind just about anything positive you do can be perceived negatively (216 hits). Hide the book until he or she is ready. This would be in accordance with Dr. Phil’s advice about being patient. Don’t be mysterious about hiding it which is also in accordance with Dr. Phil’s advice.

See the Recommended Literature on the left side if you want to check this book out.

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This post is a retelling of something that had happened at the beginning of my own personal journey to reclaim my spouse.

Once my spouse came to me and was serious about filing for divorce I finally started to take her seriously. Unfortunately, by this time she had already entered the “it is too late” state of mind. I realized that my spouse was no longer the person that I had fallen in love with, but rather was someone I had pushed way too far. She could not be reasoned with and even the thought of not proceeding with the divorce was foreign to her. I realized I needed some help and so I scoured the Internet. I found an ebook called Save the Marriage (439 hits) which at least helped me form enough of a plan to get her talking. It basically lays out the different stages of a divorce and how it can be prevented. I didn’t read the whole thing, but it did explain what I was up against.

I asked her what would it take to save our marriage - a miracle? She said yes - a miracle. I was later granted one (446 hits) miracle by God, but the point is that where we were at with our relationship at that time - her response of a miracle was actually positive! She could have said nothing could save our marriage! I wouldn’t have known to ask that without the help of this resource.

Check it out if you are at a similar stage.

Please note that I used many other resources, but this was where I started.

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