Archive for the 'About to be Divorced Stage' Category

Hungry Like the Wolf

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

It seems like the marriage is probably going to need to go through an autumn period. The wife is going back to school and though there have been little signs here and there, I’m not expecting her home any time soon and have been basically going batty waiting around. In addition, she recently delivered the move on speech as well for the third or fourth time. I know that is part of it according to Rejoice Marriage ministries, but at this point I’m not profiting her or myself. Time to shift gears.

I originally set out a 2 year timeline considering that was the average time for restoration. How could I in good conscience abandon all hope before even the average time went through? It seems clear that thus far my strategy has failed. I’m not giving up nor am I going to quit praying for her and the family, but I;’. The strategy now is to FORCE myself to let go. Thus far, I have been unable to do so and it sometimes keeps me wound up tighter than a black hole (55 hits).

My rational is this. By not letting go, I am in fact hurting my chances here. Therefore, the only option is to let go. Previously, I had worried about a bit of a hypocritical element here, but it seems that a critical point has been reached.

I know not everyone subscribes to this, and I’m not completely sold on it just yet, but for what it is worth – I checked out our astrological stuff. I’ve got Neptune in my 7th house – meaning I’ll probably be too idealistic in relationships, and she has Mars in hers which means lots of fightin if manifested on the dark side. It seems we were destined for problems in our relationship. That said, there are lots of good aspects too, so don’t get me wrong!

Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to focus my time else where on other projects. One of them has been the refinement of my body as a temple. I’ve been exploring a number of spiritual practices as part of this effort. I suspect that too often in Christendom, it is forgotten to work on this aspect.

These practices and such have gone all the way down to what I eat and as I have recently discovered, how I eat. Although, I am perhaps a bit of a caveman, I now try to eat “consciously”. Chew my food slowly, feel the emotions as it goes down the hatch, listen to the tumble of the dryer in the other room, the sound of classical music, with a bit of candle light. I’ll eat with the left hand from time to time even to avoid that auto-pilot scruff it down mode of operation. It seems that Mom was right all along about eating slowly, but I bet she never knew why!

Below, you see a hemp seed bread sandwich with bell pepper and garlic humus and a bit of herb butter, organic tomato, mozzarella, spinach salad with walnuts, strawberries, and Balsamic vinaigrette. I sip Welch’s grape juice before eating. Supposedly, this helps the stomach cells stop turning everything into sugar (according to Edgar Cayce (62 hits)).

This is just one example. What I have learned is that EVERYTHING we do has a spiritual component. This is more than just smiling and helping your neighbor and praying for your enemies. All of that just gets you started down the path.

Through this whole process I have learned a great deal. I’m collecting my notes, and scribbles, offline journals and pulling together a book. I’ve written about 40 pages so far.

Either way this story goes, I hope it helps someone else out there. We have captured the parts where I was probably getting close to going bonkers. The parts where I was arrogant. The parts where I was speaking gibberish. So much has happened. So much. I feel like I have lived 1000 lifetimes in the last 2 years.

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Lillith Spermicide

Friday, March 13th, 2009

 I suspect that some people are born gay or lesbian or whatever so that it is a challenge they can overcome. Some people are born with tempers. Some people become kleptomaniacs.

Each of us have things to overcome in each lifetime, I suppose. Thank goodness I wasn’t born with a predisposition for trying to take over the world or even pimping my body out to rich women as I would have starved to death by now. I guess some folks are born this way, and for others it becomes a choice. I don’t have all the answers. I know that I don’t have to like it, but I can also treat such individuals with respect and not judge them as that is not my place.

However, when things affect the world as a whole, I believe we have a responsibility to not remain complacent as well.

Apparently some mad scientist of love or possibly evil genius with plans to spawn his own fem-nazi lilith army has figured out or is close to figuring out a way to produce sperm from human females eggs.

Quoting from the blog article at:

http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/sciencetech/men-no-longer-necessary-for-sperm-production/750
(38 hits)

Scientists at the University of Newcastle have managed to create human sperm cells using a female embryonic stem cell (65 hits).

The researchers, led by Prof Karim Nayernia, had previously created primitive sperm cells from male bone marrow. They’re currently working on making the cells from female bone marrow, which would be much easier and more practical than creating them from embryos (72 hits).

Okay okay, on the surface from a “worldly” perspective – perhaps this is a notable scientific achievement. Perhaps this will bring about a new era of greater health and longevity. Perhaps. Yet as with all things, what are we trading ? Could this lead to a future not unlike that set out in the movie Gattaca (55 hits)?  Where DNA determines one’s fate?

Could we be setting ourselves up for failure by removing randomness in the natural selection process and messing with things we still don’t understand?  I could see a future where one day we are trying to get back to “pure seed”. Due to manipulating our own genetic codes and what not – perhaps somewhere along the way we lose something that we needed. By not understanding the laws of the universe – we perhaps forget something. Perhaps by manipulating these sorts of things we are in effect messing with other dimensions that scientists are just now even remotely beginning to understand.

Does this make sense?  Perhaps another perspective will help.

Here we have an article that indicates that babies born premature fare much better when they have touch from the mother’s skin.

Quoting from the article at:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2005/nov/17/health.medicineandhealth (55 hits)

It was a very small study, involving just 33 babies, and lasted for only the first six hours of the babies’ lives, but it’s interesting none the less. Bergman says 92% of the incubator babies got into trouble at some point; enough to need a doctor to step in – against only 17% of the skin-to-skin babies. The second group were “very much more stable”, he says.

I know from personal experience that the babies that my wife produced through our marriage were quite healthy after receiving mama’s milk. That is one of the things I love about her. Though I don’t have a control to verify against, in my own research about healthy ways to raise a baby – it was abundantly clear that there is no substitute for mother’s milk. Some things are a certain way – perhaps by design or evolutionary processes – whatever you want to call it but we ought to be careful about messing with things we don’t fully understand.

Why is other’s milk good, mother’s skin good, and in my opinion making families out of female eggs bad?

Think about the physical human body. Is there perhaps more to it? Is this perhaps a reason why – sperm cells shouldn’t be manufactured – not unlike the difference between manufactured vitamins and those from nature? Vitamins from factories work I suppose, but how well do they work?

In my studies of Eastern religions I had learned that there are various things called “chakra”. This is apparently the sanskrit word for little spinning vortexes of energy that make up the parts of ourselves that we can not see, at least those of without the gift of second sight.

Could it be possible that each human conception is a special moment for life to come about and that the amount of love put into the baby making process could often determine the amount of love that the offspring of that love would have – if this is possible – then what happens for babies born of test tubes?

Well, in the case of Louise Brown (58 hits), the first test tube baby – it seems that she came out fine and even got pregnant naturally. Since then, there have been millions born with this method. As I read the story, I noted that the parents wanted a child for 9 years – test tube or not – that sounds like a far cry from being conceived in the back of a Volkswagen as our American custom. This baby gave hope to millions who were unable to conceive. I imagine in the 70s it was a bit taboo at one point by religious leaders, yet now I understand that it is fairly common and we as a culture seem to be okay with it. Is there a line though that should not be crossed?

Continuing on about these Chakra. I’ve tested some of this myself and was able to get very “hot sensations” on parts of my body by stimulating them with my mind during meditation. I don’t know if I am doing this right or not, but it does seem to be in accordance with what others have reported.

There even seem to be some potential allusions to these chakra thingies even in the Bible (ESV):

Eze 1:15  Now as I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel on the earth beside the living creatures, one for each of the four of them.
Eze 1:16  As for the appearance of the wheels and their construction: their appearance was like the gleaming of beryl. And the four had the same likeness, their appearance and construction being as it were a wheel within a wheel.
Eze 1:17  When they went, they went in any of their four directions without turning as they went.
Eze 1:18  And their rims were tall and awesome, and the rims of all four were full of eyes all around.
Eze 1:19  And when the living creatures went, the wheels went beside them; and when the living creatures rose from the earth, the wheels rose.
Eze 1:20  Wherever the spirit wanted to go, they went, and the wheels rose along with them, for the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.
Eze 1:21  When those went, these went; and when those stood, these stood; and when those rose from the earth, the wheels rose along with them, for the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.
Eze 1:22  Over the heads of the living creatures there was the likeness of an expanse, shining like awe-inspiring crystal, spread out above their heads.
Eze 1:23  And under the expanse their wings were stretched out straight, one toward another. And each creature had two wings covering its body.
Eze 1:24  And when they went, I heard the sound of their wings like the sound of many waters, like the sound of the Almighty, a sound of tumult like the sound of an army. When they stood still, they let down their wings.
Eze 1:25  And there came a voice from above the expanse over their heads. When they stood still, they let down their wings.
Eze 1:26  And above the expanse over their heads there was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like sapphire; and seated above the likeness of a throne was a likeness with a human appearance.

They say that there are 7 major chakra (37 hits). I can’t help but notice how many times the number 7 is mentioned through out the Bible and even that our days are numbered in divisions of 7. Is this perhaps some cultural relic from our past that we use every day, but really don’t even think about – or is this cultural relic – this artifact – preserved in our cultural memory – an allusion to the bigger part of ourselves – pointing the way towards something much larger?

What do Chakra have to do with sperm cells and my faltering marriage?

I think it helps me to understand on some levels why my marriage started faltering. There are deeper things energetically and spiritually that we don’t understand. For the same reason we are not to speak ill of someone in our closet, there are reasons and why to things regarding sex and marriage that we as Americans, as Westerners even – have been largely ignorant of – and I as a seeker, am just now even beginning to become aware of.

I’m learning of new things termed “sacred sex” and how the number of sexual partners we have had can influence how well we are able to bond with our partner unless there is a great deal of sexual spiritual knowledge (60 hits) applied to strenghthen the bonds and release the other bonds. Perhaps this is why the Bible is so stern in its warning about fornication and adultery as it creates a very difficult situation to truly implement a divine marriage. Where one can “know” their spouse – literally seeing their point of views during sex as various spiritual circuits are completed.

Fornication. Avoiding it can be hard for us Westerners. I think it makes it easier to do if we know WHY these things can harm us instead of being given a list of stuff not to do. In general, if someone has told me I can’t do something in my life, then I’m going to do the opposite just to prove them that it can be done. My wife even suspects that I don’t love her and that is what this whole thing is all about. Wife, if you are reading – rest assured – I love you more than you could possibly know. 

Continuing though, make no mistake, each of us is at different levels and the more you are given – the more is expected of you, so whatever your past – believe me – I’ve had one too, I’m not passing judgment, but rather am attempting to explain things and to give you more knowledge about why things may be failing in your marriage and as I learn you can learn with me and seek to clean up both of our mistakes and BE good husbands and wives.

There is a hormone that women have called oxytocin (i think) that helps them to bond with whatever man they have recently slept with. Here is the challenge though – spiritually – each man creates a connection and kind of in the manner they used to explain how AIDS is passed – for each person you have been with – you have spiritual connections to all the persons they have been with. To create the truly divine marriage then – requires either being a virgin going into it or not having been with a lot of persons. There are exceptions I am learning, but for the rest of us spiritual seekers this seems to be how it works. Those that are in the “nations”  that are the gentiles metaphorically speaking do not seem to have as high a standard.

Quoting from the Bible (ESV):

Act 15:29  that you abstain from what has been sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality. If you keep yourselves from these, you will do well. Farewell.”

These are the things I now find myself asking in regard to my spiritual quest and studies. In a short time, I will post a couple of things from what has been termed a near death experience that tend to either send people into emotional convulsions because they can’t handle it or aren’t ready to handle it – or they say Thank you. It is hit or miss.

With my recent astrological exploration, it seems that some divorces and separations are “written” into the stars, where as others are part of a karmic loop. I think mine is part of a karmic loop that needs to be broken. If you keep having that thing inside you that says “Don’t give up on her or him” – perhaps yours is a karmic loop that can be busted as well. We both have much to learn.

I do know that in general, healing of a marriage is a good thing. It takes time. I am now 16 months into my quest, rather, OUR quest (my wife included). I hope that my strength continues to hold out and for the sake of marriage in this apparently dying country – that my efforts at least inspire others to bring about healing in their own family and marriage.

Karmic debts.

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Forgiveness… from a Higher Court?

Wednesday, April 9th, 2008

Had an interesting thought pop into my head yesterday evening. The Ark of the Covenant had a mercy seat on top, under which sat the stone tablets of the law. The Mosaic Covenant written into the stone tablets. Don’t do all of these things. The Renewed Covenant…. seems to focus quite a bit on forgiveness. A thought came to me…. the Renewed Covenant may sit on top of the new Old Covenant (the law). Forgiveness over Law.

Seems to be consistent with most of Jesus’ message. King David got busted up by the prophet Nathan for adultery with Bethsheba. Nathan said something like hey there is this guy who stole some farmer’s last ewe. David responds – the farmer should pay back four fold and give up his life. That was the same justice that was delivered to David. 4 of his kids wound up dying. He didn’t have to give up his life though. What’s up with that?

As King, He did repent and appealed to a higher authority, namely YHWH. This pattern seems to be consistent with a lot of Jesus’ message. Focus on yourself before running around pointing out sin in everyone else’s life – be forgiving, etc.

At the same time though, if your brother… key word .. brother .. meaning you have a relationship with the person that is sinning, then go to him and help him in the right direction if you can. If he won’t listen, then take another brother. If still, then take the entire assembly. If still, then cast Him out. Let the devil deal with him so that he may be saved. This doesn’t seem to apply to those not living in right relationship with God or who do not have a relationship to you. I guess some need a soft hand and some need a 2X4.

So much of Christianity focuses on John 3:16. Accept Him – you’re done. Now go off and adulter and fornicate and be drunken, boastful, and what not. Can’t say that I was any better and I still make mistakes. I guess we are all dirty rags right? My conclusion thus far is that it is still based on the DIRECTION one is headed. Don’t be so proud to say that you don’t sin, but at the same time try to head in the direction of not sinning with His  help.

Here is an example. Playboys and what not got introduced to me at a younger age and corrupted my sweet and innocent mind. It eventually moved to porn once in a while. It literally disgusts me now. Can’t stand it. Gross. Revolting.  I remember having a nice porn-b-que between me and my God. Burnt em all up. Had a nice little book burning party between me and Him. Did I repent or did I give it up to Him? Not sure really. It just sort of happened to where I found it revolting.

The challenge is different in the restoration of the marriage. Both of us have sinned against Him and each other. We are NOT in right relationship with each other therefore we can’t sit there and point the finger. It doesn’t work that way. Appeal to a higher power perhaps to settle the dispute? Just in as much as I get frustrated with my kids arguing over a toy – I perceive that God must get frustrated with my wife and I being unable to work out our differences.  It seems like the time  line is much longer. I observe this pattern with my own children. There is always one who is reluctant to forgive and let go of the dispute – even if one apologizes first. Why is that? Adults seem to take longer sometimes. Sometimes years and yet we call ourselves adults. Hah!
I mean really – as Christians – we’re reeeeeeaaaaallllly to avoid suing each other and going to court and what not where we can.

The wife has agreed to meet this weekend to try and work this out peacefully. Yay. Thank-you Jesus.

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Sunday, December 9th, 2007

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