Well, lately it seems that she has no problem expressing herself emotionally. Although I won’t go into the details, let’s just say that ever since my son’s birthday party, something changed within her. She seems to have been angry ever since and has no problem expressing this.

Part of me recognizes that this is part of “purging” her system and thus I pretty much need to be strong when it comes to receiving these things. It is really bizarre. No matter what I say or do she seems to be angry about it lately. If I go left, this will provoke her to wrath, if I go right, this will provoke her to wrath.

What I do find interesting is that I am becoming increasingly better equipped to handle the verbal lashing coming from her. Before it would tear me down for a week or two to receive one of these, and now I recover in about 10-15 minutes and sometimes within seconds. Part of me simply no longer cares. Part of me, I just sort of tell myself, well – this is part of the healing process – the counselors warned you that anger would come next. So here it is. Lots of it! I feel this is also part of my own spiritual development and growth. In a weird sort of way, I am thanking her – because I have never had an enemy my whole life until now. It makes it difficult to grow and develop without having a true enemy, which ironically is the person I love the most. Ain’t life funny?

As I look back, I try to figure out where this anger stuff came from all of a sudden. She was doing really good for awhile. What was the trigger event and what allowed her to feel that it was okay to resort the anger lashings? She has become increasingly bold in her verbal thrashings. I suspect that during our marriage – rather when we lived together, she used to simply stuff whatever feelings she had inside and would not verbalize them due to being conflict avoidant and feeling that she couldn’t express her feelings to me (I was not good at receiving negative feelings).

There are a couple of events that have occurred. Much like an iceberg, what exists beneath the surface can only rise when conditions permit. Very similar to the person who feels horrible inside and so fills their life with things or constantly seeking things to do to fill the gap in their soul. I feel like this may apply to my beloved on some levels, because I have heard that she has started buying the kids lots of things so that they can “be happy”.

She moved out of her mom’s house about a month ago and has been trying to raise our 4 kiddos by herself and I imagine much of the stress and such is probably registering as being my fault somehow or another. I’ve read that this is what occurs.

Also, she got her income tax check in around February. Her mom seems to think that is when my wife started flipping out again. The idea being that the check is what released whatever bonds she felt she had of expressing herself the way she really felt.

From what the kids relayed to me, those two began almost constantly fighting from around February to not even a month ago. They have not communicated since Mother’s day. To an outside observer it looks clear as day that a lot of misunderstandings have occurred, yet here is my wife – without her husband, her father, and now her mother. It seems that this family is continually plagued with a rotating set of “Who is on my good side”, often directly related to who is on my bad side. Very sad.

What is ironic about all of this, is that my own mother told me last year that it was only a matter of time before the two would be fighting like cats and dogs and that if I really loved my wife and wanted her, that I should just allow things to unfold and it would only be a matter of time.

Unfortunately, to complicate the matter my wife is now “dating” (rather has been for some time, but was obfuscating this) and apparently involved in a serious relationship with some other guy. The kids have told me she gets into fights with him now and they don’t even live together (for which I am thankful) and the eldest child can not stand him. Gosh there are other things here that I could talk about, but it would only be to make me feel better and would not help others with understanding and seeing how bad things can get and the dynamics. Perhaps in time, other details will come forth.

Part of me feels like I don’t care. Part of me is tired. Part of me knows that there is always dark before the dawn, so I press on! Life is not supposed to be easy.

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