Well, we’re done with mediation and are waiting on the papers to be finalized.
She called me this evening and asked if she could come over to the house to celebrate the birthday of one of our children.
I asked to do the same with her last year and almost got laughed at.
This doesn’t mean she is coming home, but gee whiz I’m so glad that we can finally get some peace for the kids at least.
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Pheeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeee.
Mediation is completed.
I’m probably going to move to Zimbabwe now and start a small pepper farm.
She cracked a couple of jokes with me when everything was done. I asked out to Pizza, but she said she needed to go wrap up with her lawyer.
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Well, almost time to face the music. I’m going to go pray and meditate for a few minutes to clear out the adrenaline currently dumping into my blood stream.
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D-day.
I wonder how I will feel by this time tomorrow? I wonder what will transpire. I wonder if miracles may unfold or if things I thought that would never happen, happen. I wonder if I will be regretting things I say by this time tomorrow.
Do not fall asleep. Do not fall asleep. Remember. Stay focused. Do the right thing.
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She called tonight.
She warned me that a tornado was headed my way.
This is the first time she has called me in awhile and has not wanted something.
The woman I fell in love with was on the phone. We talked for about two minutes, but it was the sweetest two minutes I’ve ever had with her in my whole life.
This happened about an hour ago now.
There is much more to tell about, but I must wait.
I am still tearing up the emotion is so intense.
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Last week, in the spirit of Mathew 7:7 I had begun a massive prayer campaign asking for opportunities to demonstrate my love and to BE her husband. As I thought more and more about the choice I am confronted with, a part of me realized – that this was the answer to actually two prayers. One much more long term and beginning about a year ago with regard to the dynamic between my mother in law and my wife. The other began last week with hard core prayer over opportunities to HELP her and demonstrate my love for her.
Dang.
Be careful what you pray for, you just might get it.
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I’m being tested again and I really really really don’t know what to do this time.
It was almost arranged to meet last week, but it was a false start. Meet. That means me, her, the kids, a pastor, and my mother in law. Going bowling. Yaay!
She agreed and then backed out. Dang. I called this a false start last week and wasn’t overly upset about her backing out.
Something moved again though. Tonight her and her mom had gotten into a big fight or something like that. My wife has been living with my mother in law for 17 months now. Her father had moved out about a year ago and has since moved on and found him another woman. We had a pact to hang in there… what happened to that? Lol.
Now my mother in law seems to be having a hard time as there are a number of things going on in her life with this economy and her ongoing divorce that aren’t exactly a bed of rose petals. All of this creates a catalyst for movement.
It is interesting the advice you get on stuff like this. Some people had told me that this would come – it was only a matter of time, and that should this day come that I would need to practice “tough love”, in that one level – my wife has made the bed she is lying in, yet on another level I have a measure of responsibility as well being the active male force in the relationship with her being my reflection – at least as much as she is able to reflect.
Well, tonight a new movement occurred. The laws or whatever it is that governs this place moved.
Tonight she we met for the first time with all of the kids. She wanted to meet with me – face to face. We sat across from each other for about an hour. We might as well have had guiness on standby to plug this into the record book. She laughed at a couple of my jokes. It was awkward though. A small part of me didn’t want to be around her. I felt revolted at her very presence. Another part of me was thankful. Another part of me was distant. And another part of me kept reminding me that the resentful emaciated woman sitting across from me, is my wife. I watched as she laughed. I let the observer part of my mind take over and it reminded me that there are a multitude of forces moving within at any moment in time and to focus on the larger picture. Remember, she is a child of God. Remember that you love her even though there are challenges right now. Remember that
She asked me to support her movement to a town a bit far off for me to see the kids. She said that this would be an opportunity for her to trust me and to build a friendship.
On the one hand I felt insulted that for the first time in 17 months she wanted to meet with me, but it felt like it was just to get whatever she wanted and that if I said no, then I would of course, default to being the big meanie that she has always thought I was.
On the other hand, my heart, it kept bugging me. My heart – I felt some sort of compassion for her and wanted to ease her suffering with her mother.
Rumors have been circulating. Someone told me she had talked about moving in with some guy. I wasn’t sure. Rumors. Are they true, are they? Are they? The doubting part of the mind kicked in. She is trying to manipulate me and “spider” me into something.
Gosh, what a war of Armageddon going on within. This time though, I wasn’t provided an “11:22″ prompt like I usually have had before a major decision with karmic implications.
I don’t know what the right thing to do is here. My heart says one thing, my mind says another.
If it were just her, then no big deal – yeah move wherever you need to… I can’t control you. But it is the kids – 2 hours away just to see them for whatever school functions they may have.
I’m not sure. I sense that this is a movement and that if I make the right choice – it will allow other things to unfold.
I am exceedingly convinced we are getting a divorce now, at least legally. There is no way around it at this point. I’m also aware that her making it absolutely clear that she is NEVER coming home, is just something that the “prodigals” say. I’ve done my due diligence and am convinced we are in a karmic loop and will have to do this all over again if we don’t get it right this time. She said that – this time last week – she would have NEVER thought she would be having pizza with me.
I document here, so that you the reader, know of the moral dilemmas and inner struggles that will be brought to you as you attempt to undo your own karmic loops.
I’m leaning towards going with my heart this time, but have to pray over this one.
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I’ve been on spring break with my children all week. It has been a fun week so far and we’ve managed to get into some spiritual discussions here and there.
This morning, I thought we would attempt “consciousness” exercises without calling it such. I asked each of them to name one item that they knew they should do today, but did not want to.
It didn’t take long.
The first child didn’t want to go visit my grandparents but knew that she should. I was saddened, but glad that she was honest.
The second child responded that she didn’t want to ride horses today. She said “Maybe later” with an innocent smile.
We have no horses 
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I suspect that some people are born gay or lesbian or whatever so that it is a challenge they can overcome. Some people are born with tempers. Some people become kleptomaniacs.
Each of us have things to overcome in each lifetime, I suppose. Thank goodness I wasn’t born with a predisposition for trying to take over the world or even pimping my body out to rich women as I would have starved to death by now. I guess some folks are born this way, and for others it becomes a choice. I don’t have all the answers. I know that I don’t have to like it, but I can also treat such individuals with respect and not judge them as that is not my place.
However, when things affect the world as a whole, I believe we have a responsibility to not remain complacent as well.
Apparently some mad scientist of love or possibly evil genius with plans to spawn his own fem-nazi lilith army has figured out or is close to figuring out a way to produce sperm from human females eggs.
Quoting from the blog article at:
http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/sciencetech/men-no-longer-necessary-for-sperm-production/750
(4 hits)
Scientists at the University of Newcastle have managed to create human sperm cells using a female embryonic stem cell (24 hits).
The researchers, led by Prof Karim Nayernia, had previously created primitive sperm cells from male bone marrow. They’re currently working on making the cells from female bone marrow, which would be much easier and more practical than creating them from embryos (4 hits).
Okay okay, on the surface from a “worldly” perspective – perhaps this is a notable scientific achievement. Perhaps this will bring about a new era of greater health and longevity. Perhaps. Yet as with all things, what are we trading ? Could this lead to a future not unlike that set out in the movie Gattaca (14 hits)? Where DNA determines one’s fate?
Could we be setting ourselves up for failure by removing randomness in the natural selection process and messing with things we still don’t understand? I could see a future where one day we are trying to get back to “pure seed”. Due to manipulating our own genetic codes and what not – perhaps somewhere along the way we lose something that we needed. By not understanding the laws of the universe – we perhaps forget something. Perhaps by manipulating these sorts of things we are in effect messing with other dimensions that scientists are just now even remotely beginning to understand.
Does this make sense? Perhaps another perspective will help.
Here we have an article that indicates that babies born premature fare much better when they have touch from the mother’s skin.
Quoting from the article at:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/
It was a very small study, involving just 33 babies, and lasted for only the first six hours of the babies’ lives, but it’s interesting none the less. Bergman says 92% of the incubator babies got into trouble at some point; enough to need a doctor to step in – against only 17% of the skin-to-skin babies. The second group were “very much more stable”, he says.
I know from personal experience that the babies that my wife produced through our marriage were quite healthy after receiving mama’s milk. That is one of the things I love about her. Though I don’t have a control to verify against, in my own research about healthy ways to raise a baby – it was abundantly clear that there is no substitute for mother’s milk. Some things are a certain way – perhaps by design or evolutionary processes – whatever you want to call it but we ought to be careful about messing with things we don’t fully understand.
Why is other’s milk good, mother’s skin good, and in my opinion making families out of female eggs bad?
Think about the physical human body. Is there perhaps more to it? Is this perhaps a reason why – sperm cells shouldn’t be manufactured – not unlike the difference between manufactured vitamins and those from nature? Vitamins from factories work I suppose, but how well do they work?
In my studies of Eastern religions I had learned that there are various things called “chakra”. This is apparently the sanskrit word for little spinning vortexes of energy that make up the parts of ourselves that we can not see, at least those of without the gift of second sight.
Could it be possible that each human conception is a special moment for life to come about and that the amount of love put into the baby making process could often determine the amount of love that the offspring of that love would have – if this is possible – then what happens for babies born of test tubes?
Well, in the case of Louise Brown (15 hits), the first test tube baby – it seems that she came out fine and even got pregnant naturally. Since then, there have been millions born with this method. As I read the story, I noted that the parents wanted a child for 9 years – test tube or not – that sounds like a far cry from being conceived in the back of a Volkswagen as our American custom. This baby gave hope to millions who were unable to conceive. I imagine in the 70s it was a bit taboo at one point by religious leaders, yet now I understand that it is fairly common and we as a culture seem to be okay with it. Is there a line though that should not be crossed?
Continuing on about these Chakra. I’ve tested some of this myself and was able to get very “hot sensations” on parts of my body by stimulating them with my mind during meditation. I don’t know if I am doing this right or not, but it does seem to be in accordance with what others have reported.
There even seem to be some potential allusions to these chakra thingies even in the Bible (ESV):
Eze 1:15 Now as I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel on the earth beside the living creatures, one for each of the four of them.
Eze 1:16 As for the appearance of the wheels and their construction: their appearance was like the gleaming of beryl. And the four had the same likeness, their appearance and construction being as it were a wheel within a wheel.
Eze 1:17 When they went, they went in any of their four directions without turning as they went.
Eze 1:18 And their rims were tall and awesome, and the rims of all four were full of eyes all around.
Eze 1:19 And when the living creatures went, the wheels went beside them; and when the living creatures rose from the earth, the wheels rose.
Eze 1:20 Wherever the spirit wanted to go, they went, and the wheels rose along with them, for the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.
Eze 1:21 When those went, these went; and when those stood, these stood; and when those rose from the earth, the wheels rose along with them, for the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.
Eze 1:22 Over the heads of the living creatures there was the likeness of an expanse, shining like awe-inspiring crystal, spread out above their heads.
Eze 1:23 And under the expanse their wings were stretched out straight, one toward another. And each creature had two wings covering its body.
Eze 1:24 And when they went, I heard the sound of their wings like the sound of many waters, like the sound of the Almighty, a sound of tumult like the sound of an army. When they stood still, they let down their wings.
Eze 1:25 And there came a voice from above the expanse over their heads. When they stood still, they let down their wings.
Eze 1:26 And above the expanse over their heads there was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like sapphire; and seated above the likeness of a throne was a likeness with a human appearance.
They say that there are 7 major chakra (7 hits). I can’t help but notice how many times the number 7 is mentioned through out the Bible and even that our days are numbered in divisions of 7. Is this perhaps some cultural relic from our past that we use every day, but really don’t even think about – or is this cultural relic – this artifact – preserved in our cultural memory – an allusion to the bigger part of ourselves – pointing the way towards something much larger?
What do Chakra have to do with sperm cells and my faltering marriage?
I think it helps me to understand on some levels why my marriage started faltering. There are deeper things energetically and spiritually that we don’t understand. For the same reason we are not to speak ill of someone in our closet, there are reasons and why to things regarding sex and marriage that we as Americans, as Westerners even – have been largely ignorant of – and I as a seeker, am just now even beginning to become aware of.
I’m learning of new things termed “sacred sex” and how the number of sexual partners we have had can influence how well we are able to bond with our partner unless there is a great deal of sexual spiritual knowledge (17 hits) applied to strenghthen the bonds and release the other bonds. Perhaps this is why the Bible is so stern in its warning about fornication and adultery as it creates a very difficult situation to truly implement a divine marriage. Where one can “know” their spouse – literally seeing their point of views during sex as various spiritual circuits are completed.
Fornication. Avoiding it can be hard for us Westerners. I think it makes it easier to do if we know WHY these things can harm us instead of being given a list of stuff not to do. In general, if someone has told me I can’t do something in my life, then I’m going to do the opposite just to prove them that it can be done. My wife even suspects that I don’t love her and that is what this whole thing is all about. Wife, if you are reading – rest assured – I love you more than you could possibly know.
Continuing though, make no mistake, each of us is at different levels and the more you are given – the more is expected of you, so whatever your past – believe me – I’ve had one too, I’m not passing judgment, but rather am attempting to explain things and to give you more knowledge about why things may be failing in your marriage and as I learn you can learn with me and seek to clean up both of our mistakes and BE good husbands and wives.
There is a hormone that women have called oxytocin (i think) that helps them to bond with whatever man they have recently slept with. Here is the challenge though – spiritually – each man creates a connection and kind of in the manner they used to explain how AIDS is passed – for each person you have been with – you have spiritual connections to all the persons they have been with. To create the truly divine marriage then – requires either being a virgin going into it or not having been with a lot of persons. There are exceptions I am learning, but for the rest of us spiritual seekers this seems to be how it works. Those that are in the “nations” that are the gentiles metaphorically speaking do not seem to have as high a standard.
Quoting from the Bible (ESV):
Act 15:29 that you abstain from what has been sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality. If you keep yourselves from these, you will do well. Farewell.”
These are the things I now find myself asking in regard to my spiritual quest and studies. In a short time, I will post a couple of things from what has been termed a near death experience that tend to either send people into emotional convulsions because they can’t handle it or aren’t ready to handle it – or they say Thank you. It is hit or miss.
With my recent astrological exploration, it seems that some divorces and separations are “written” into the stars, where as others are part of a karmic loop. I think mine is part of a karmic loop that needs to be broken. If you keep having that thing inside you that says “Don’t give up on her or him” – perhaps yours is a karmic loop that can be busted as well. We both have much to learn.
I do know that in general, healing of a marriage is a good thing. It takes time. I am now 16 months into my quest, rather, OUR quest (my wife included). I hope that my strength continues to hold out and for the sake of marriage in this apparently dying country – that my efforts at least inspire others to bring about healing in their own family and marriage.
Karmic debts.
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One of the good things about email is that people like to send their friends all sorts of little jokes, pictures, and videos of Barack Obama doing a keg stand in his pre-Kenyan days. It gets really interesting in the inner recesses of “Christian” circles. We often like to send little warm fuzzy letters about Jesus this or Jesus that to one another when we are getting along. Then one of us will quit getting along with the other and the next thing you know, ironically, we are no longer sending warm fuzzy Jesus letters to those whom we once got along with. Instead, we take them off the list of people that are copied on a message. In fact, we are pretty much acting like the rest of the world, yet consider ourselves to be “saved” and the only ones going to heaven a lot of times. I find it ironic that we can’t call ourselves more often. I guess it is hard to see one’s self – takes time.
Let me run through a phased example of this. Note how the persons emailed changes…
Phase 1 – Everyone Happy and Getting Along!
For example:
From: shohnwifefamilymember@cooldaddio.com
To: shohn@bigdog.com, shohnwife@shutupanddrive.com, shohnsisterinlaw@funnylittlefellas.com, otherfriend@notsocool.com
Subject: Jesus Loves you!!
Jesus loves you – send this to all your friends!!!!!
Phase 2 – Turn of Events – Life Disruption – Karmic “Test”
From: shohnwifefamilymember@cooldaddio.com
To: shohnwife@shutupanddrive.com, shohnsisterinlaw@funnylittlefellas.com, otherfriend@notsocool.com
Subject: Jesus loves you!!!
Jesus loves you – send this to all your friends!!!!!
Phase 3 – Turn of Events – Karmic Test “Passed” – Relationship Restoration
From: shohnwifefamilymember@cooldaddio.com
To: shohn@bigdog.com, shohnwife@shutupanddrive.com, shohnsisterinlaw@funnylittlefellas.com, otherfriend@notsocool.com
Subject: Jesus loves you!!!
Jesus loves you – send this to all your friends!!!!!
My mother in law and I had been at odds over the last 16 months or so. At some points, I felt like she thought I was the devil incarnate. We have had a long relationship and had been good friends over the years when my wife was apart from me after high school. During the worst stages of the divorce movement, I got pretty desperate and scared and did some things that I later regretted. I then observed my name being taken off the cool list as far as people being emailed to. I’d receive copies of messages through the email chain from time to time because we have mutual friends, but never would I be on the copy list – or as I call it – the cool people list.
One day, last summer, I received a message from my mother in law and I was once again on the cool people list. Sweet! I got so excited, but then analysis mode kicked in and I realized it was probably a typo and she sent it to me on accident. Dang.
Around October of 2008, we had a major victory and I was once again honored to be on the cool people list, but for real this time and have been ever since as far as I know. Yaay!
Now, here is where it gets interesting. You see, we have an effect on the people we encounter. Even when we are in our closet and no one can see – there are forces that are at work that impact us and others. The things we say when no one is looking still rub off on people. Call it instinct, call it spiritual, call it the flux capacitor, but it is true and is easy to verify for yourself – you don’t have to believe me – you can test this for yourself.
My mom and dad have been doing this cool people list stuff for years now. It broke my heart to see them both on my instant messenger list knowing full well that I could talk to both of them, but their hearts were too hardened to talk to each other – even after having babies together and sleeping in the same bed every night for more than a quarter of a century. I can see in their eyes that they still loved each other… yet… pride stood stronger.
My mom and dad thought I was nuts at first trying to stick it out for my wife. Eventually though, I started to notice changes in my mom. She started to pray for my dad instead. She started to speak good about him instead of the negativity. I saw her starting to change. She was able to “see” herself. To be honest and objective. Eventually, my mom let my dad know that she still loves him. He is cold to this over a couple months. I tell mom – just pray for him – and be nice when you see him – the reason he responds with cold shoulder is because he is hurting and we should always pray for those who are hurting and believe me mom – I know it is hard!
Today, my Dad finally put my Mom on the cool people list. He copied her on a message that was sent out in broadcast amongst friends and family. My mom told me about this this evening. I was so excited. This doesn’t mean they are getting back together. This doesn’t mean that my prayers of over 9 years are being answered, but what it does mean is that there is movement in the spiritual world. It could have been an accident, but the part of him that is up there in the heavenlies – living in the real world and not this dream world – copied her. Now you may think this is small and of no consequence, but you have to watch for these things as they occur – to see movements of the Spirit.
I think the above Spiritual movement came about by whatever I’m going through rubbing off on mom and dad coupled with some deep down love for each other. Movements of the Spirit. There was another major movement of the Spirit today.
I am apparently going to be allowed to be with my wife on her birthday. This doesn’t mean we are getting back together any time soon or ever in this life time, but it is a movement – a sudden and unexpected change in direction. This will be the first time we have been together in a non-court setting for over 16 months. There was a whole chain of events and karmic debt paying on my part that had to occur to bring this moment around. In many cases, I could sense that I was being tested – yet the test becomes harder each time so don’t think I’m trying to brag. I’m trying to educate you through my personal experiences and point to something bigger than me and behind me – back stage working the lights and making things happen, meanwhile I just happen to be an actor on the play attempting to learn how to move my arms without the assistance of the puppet masters above.
From what I have gathered, my wife and I (not strictly me – as in Shohn and her – but our souls – the higher part of us that lives not in this realm – it gets complicated and I have simplified for purposes of discussion) have probably done this mutually abusive thing several times over a course of lifetimes – locked into what I call a karmic loop. I have been given a great gift to be able to see these things and I don’t really know what I did to deserve it.
It gets more interesting though. There seem to be miniature karmic loops within this life time. You see, you can undo things upon yourself by helping others who suffer from a similar plight or who have the same problems. Your misery is your ministry.
Let me set this up first. You need background to understand how all of this ties together.
The traveling pastor …
I had met a friend, counselor, and spiritual mentor around this time last year. I had prayed for a “Christian” mentor around February 2008. After my prayers, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Within 5 minutes of my prayer, I see some guy standing on a street corner waving a bible at cars passing by. I think to myself – I’ve got to meet this guy. Sheesh what courage. I ask him to pray for my wife and I. He then says the name… Yeshua. I turn and cock my head. At that time, I was into the sacred names movement quite a bit – Yeshua. Noone says this that I had met except on the Internet. Fascinating.
The kid…. I met the kid last year around this time as well. He was a devil worshiper at the time. He smoked crack a lot. He slept with anything that had teeth and a vagina. He needed help and didn’t know it. He now has a job. He is now taking care of business. He is now talking about college.
The kid bugs me sometimes. He has stolen from me. He has lied to me. Sometimes I got so upset that I wanted to hurt him. I noticed an interesting pattern though. He would go in phases – two steps forward – one back. He would make progress – then blow it all. Then I saw part of him that wanted to do the right thing start to emerge. At first, this part of him was very limited. Each of has different parts or personalities that move in and out depending upon the external stimuli. For the kid… his problem was drugs. He had the morals of a 5 year old. As long as something wouldn’t get him in trouble he was okay with it. As I studied him though, I noted that there were parts of him that were smart and then parts that had as much brain power as a box of rocks. I noticed that when he lifted weights – he literally became smarter. It brought out the part of him that could lead the rest of him into victory – like Moses leading the mass of grumbling Jews across the Red Sea. The kid stole from me. I informed him that he could no longer stay at my home unless he … lifted weights. It seemed like nonsense to him at first but he complied. Changes started to occur. I noticed that the grumbling Jews within him began to follow after the Moses within him though he was unaware of this happening.
As I studied him, I began to learn more about myself. I started to use similar concepts to work on the parts of me that need help. To begin to take my own thoughts and make them obedient to Christ as it is said in the scriptures. Bringing this all back full circle, what I noticed was that each time I was ready to give up on the kid – I would threaten to toss him out – something would happen negatively with my wife. Now, I’m not saying I couldn’t be firm with the kid about the rules, but rather if I sought instead to guide him without using my selfish parts – then it would go better with my wife. Doors would open. I suspect that somehow we have an interesting multi-faceted karmic double helix here.
The pastor… the pastor was key in much of this. He understood things like spiritual rhythm and timing – watching the movements, the promptings on the heart, gut feel, intuition, etc. Prayer is one thing and is definitely good; however, action coupled with prayer is better. Like the song, the Gambler, you have to know when to fold them and know when to hold them though. The pastor and I started to become more and more educated about these movements as my home became a veritable spiritual laboratory.
Between the pastor and I we quickly came to realize that there was a whole series of dynamics at work here. Within my home, it was as though we had created a spiritual community. People were being helped – the universal to the particular. The pastor has been counseling my wife and I. Invariably, we make some progress and then I figure out a way to ruin it by getting desperate, but none the less – not even a week ago did I in my wildest dreams expect to be with my wife on her birthday.
I think all of this is directly correlated with how well I am helping and serving the weak. The kid is the weak. My wife and mother in law are as well. Yet so am I.
I have been informed that she, my wife, wants to talk to me. I want to talk to her as well, but I no longer know how. Part of me is scared of her. I’ve gotten used to her saying she’s not coming home and it makes me not want to be around her if that is how things are going to be. I’m so used to whatever I say getting twisted and sending her reeling. It seems that the laws of the universe have put a new twist on things as well. She now would like to talk to me, and what I would have killed for 6 months ago, I have no idea what to do with now. I don’t even know what we would talk about. We like the same bands and we have kids together. We picked out houses together. We like the same artists. We both like basketball. Yet she has changed and so have I.
I want to tell her that I’ve found God and have repented and it is okay to come home, but I’m afraid she will freak out. I’m afraid that she won’t be ready to handle all that I’ve learned and will reject it, curse me, and then get repulsed once her beliefs are challenged. I want to tell her that I no longer see God as some guy with a flowing beard like what seems to be talked about in the Bible on a surface level reading, but rather something that is you and me and all of us and all that is and separate yet somehow not and in as much as my body has atoms we are nothing more than an atom in Him, and parallel universes, and multiple dimensions, and chakra, and energy points and on and on.
Coming back down from the clouds. Part of me says – we are scheduled for mediation…. what the heck is going on? Part of me is screaming V for victory. Part of me is retreating and saying to heck with her, I’m tired of her antics and then part of me is trying to stand back and watch all these multitude of personalities and take a leadership position like Jesus did with the disciples or like Moses did with the 12 tribes. Then I realize. She has the same thing. Part of her doesn’t like me. Part of me is scared of what could be. Part of her has turned away from home and is never coming back. Part of her thinks about what could have been. Part of her misses me. Part of her thinks of what she ever saw in me. There is a multitude within her. I have to invoke the part of her and myself somehow that will work? Trust? Well, at least I made the cool list for her birthday. Perhaps I will bring her one of my cakes.
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