Well, I talked to my kiddos last night and one of them said… Daddy I want Mamma and daddy to come home. She gets on the phone a bit later and says… What’s this about “coming home?” trying to scold me. But… she said the word “separated”. This is the first time she has used this word since last November.

Yaay!

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Well, heard through the grape vine that… maybe he is changing … was said about me by my wife.

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Depression is an interesting state of mind. Normally when I’m not fighting for marriage, it probably happens to me about once or twice a year for a day or so, but when I do slip into it – I wonder how is it possible to not break out of it. There are some poor folks that get trapped into it and can’t break out of that mode of thought. I feel for them. I consider it somewhat similar to trying to lose weight that you have never been able to lose or quitting smoking. It is not always as easy as it may appear on the surface.

My wife came by yesterday for the first time since March of 08 and wasn’t looking to get some of her stuff this time. I sensed that she wanted to talk – yet was sort of putting her toe in the bathwater to see if it was cold or not.

It was amazing the difference in her attitude when compared to the last 8 or 9 months. She had gotten terminated recently and her once very haughty I’m in control of my life tone from not even a month ago seems to have adjusted a bit. It reminded me of the same pattern she had done in high-school when we had broken up then. History tends to repeat itself in this life until we learn our lessosn I guess. That means me too, so relax.

I expect that the game of life includes little tests at each point – though we are often unaware of the test being taken. This is not to suggest that it is in the balance of going to hell or something, but rather seeking opportunities for growth desires to spiritually manifest. Opportunities to watch new paths unfold. Perhaps one can pray for opportunities.

As I have resolved to make myself into a bettter person, I notice that prayers get answered much more often. I’m still waiting on that big one of bringing my wife home in a nice bow tied package; however, many others have been answered. What I have noticed is that there seem to be tests along the way during some stages of our growth. Perhaps it is a probationary period designed to evaluate whether you are truly ready to love you neighbor as yourself and God with all your heart, soul, and mind. I suspect that loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind is actually loving your neighbor – quite similar to Isaiah 58.

Regardless of theological speculation, it is clear that has human beings – regardless of one’s faith – such goals are noble and worth pursuing. As part of the procees I think I have now gotten to the stage where I am to perceive the “tests” as they come to some degree. The following story may provide some perspective on a situation where I think I may have been tested.

I put this story out there, not for a pat on my own back – but to illustrate how things can work in what I believe would be an opening of doors so often described by Jesus. I have yet to get into any inner realms or spoken to beings of light as described in near death experiences, but I have seen some rather cool things happening after simply following intuition. My sense of intuition is still very limited, but I am trying to develop it each day.

So… after all the build up, the following is an example of movements of what I can only call “the force” or the Lord!

Yesterday, it was very strong on my heart to clean up the house. The kids had left their rooms in a mess the last time they were over and I hadn’t had a chance to clean up. Well, I had a gut instinct / vibe to clean and followed it.

Awhile later, someone called and was asking me to loan them money to have their electricity turned back on. I sensed a test or perhaps an opportunity for unfoldment of new paths in this thing I call my life. It was clear as day this time – here is a door, do you want to open it and see what happens? I measured and evaluated the risk, measured my heart, the tone in my friend’s voice, the amount of cash, etc. and then elected… to say.. Okay. He said he would pay me back by next Wednesday.

Cool. Simultaneously or very near to this time, my wife is coming back to her mother’s home. She tells her mother that she would like to take the kids this time. Due to the situation my wife has been hesitant to come by herself and instead had let her mother perform this function. This is the first time in 3 months she will have brought the kids herself. Something got placed on her heart I guess and she followed it.

As she arrives, I sensed something. Remorse with a tinge of depression mixed in. She is still smiling though. Remorse. Just in as much as one can slice through a room with a lot of tension with a butter knife, I can feel this remorse in her – yet the pride is still in control a bit. I must double up my prayer efforts and double my efforts to be a better man and hopefully husband I think to myself.

I had left the door open to the house and tried to give my wife space. She is very sensitive at the moment and I’m trying to respect the vibe. It is awkward – yet pleasant. I miss her so much.

At the behest of my daughter, the wife comes inside the house. She is then given a tour of the room’s belonging to both children. They just happened to be clean.

To put this into perspective – according to marriage restoration literature – one must keep one’s domicile clean in the event that one’s estranged spouse should stop by for an “inspection”. I don’t know why they do this, but it is very clearly documented as a part of the pattern and mindset of an estranged spouse when one spouse is still standing for the marriage. I think it makes sense given the estranged spouse’s present state of mind.

They are struggling with all sorts of forces internally including guilt, denial, anger, and in a sense perhaps even feeling lost. Often they have left – looking for something and not knowing what that something is.. as they get out into the big wide world they may find that it is not what they were looking for. Yet here it is, the family – staring them right in the face and they choose to ignore it. I parallel this with quitting smoking. One’s desire to quit may be there; however, the action has not yet followed. Time. The right conditions perhaps. A catalyst if one is aware enough to seek out one, can help such an event to occur . and then.. eleminate the desire.

Desire. I have found that if one has to use one’s will, then becoming a better person and growing spiritually will often be met in a sort of saw tooth pattern. Two steps forward and one back perhaps. However, if one can understand why one has certain desires – really dive into the emotion behind them, the deep seated reasoning. The areas that you don’t talk about at cock-tail parties, then perhaps some work can be done.

I could sense in the wife desires balanced with guilt and shame. All I could do was attempt to minimize her shame and encourage her with what I felt her mind would accept at this time. I told her “You look nice.” She responded – “Thank you.” and she left a bit later.

As she left, the wind blew the door shut. I thought… how ironic.

Yet – she came back in for a second time. She inquired if I had received an email from her because she had made a new account. I responded no. I asked if she would like to write it down. Yes. She writes it down. As she is leaving, she has to have seen the lavendar evenelope containing a card on the kitchen counter next to the exit. It had her name on it.

I wonder to myself – “Did she think about asking about the card?” The contents within are as mysterious as what is in my wife’s heart at the moment.

A couple weeks ago, I was getting to the point of giving up on her and moving on with my life. I had prayed for the emotions to be reinvigorated so I could stand longer for the marriage. I had thought about going through old pictures. The Lord or the force, whatever you want to call it, delivered something with one more dimension than pictures of my wife and family. I said “Thank-you” to all that is above.

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FRANCIS: Yeah. I think Judith’s point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man–
STAN: Or woman.
FRANCIS: Or woman… to rid himself–
STAN: Or herself.
FRANCIS: Or herself.
REG: Agreed.
FRANCIS: Thank you, brother.
STAN: Or sister.
FRANCIS: Or sister. Where was I?
REG: I think you’d finished.
FRANCIS: Oh. Right.
REG: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man–
STAN: Or woman.
REG: Why don’t you shut up about women, Stan. You’re putting us off.
STAN: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN: I want to be one.
REG: What?
STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me ‘Loretta’.
REG: What?!
LORETTA: It’s my right as a man.
JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA: I want to have babies.
REG: You want to have babies?!
LORETTA: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
REG: But… you can’t have babies.
LORETTA: Don’t you oppress me.
REG: I’m not oppressing you, Stan. You haven’t got a womb! — Where’s the fetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA: [crying]
JUDITH: Here! I– I’ve got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can’t actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody’s fault, not even the Romans’, but that he can have the right to have babies.
FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
REG: What’s the point?
FRANCIS: What?
REG: What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can’t have babies?!
FRANCIS: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

I don’t want to turn this into something it is not, but for the first time in 9 months my wife came by the house tonight. I had decided to clean it that day for some reason and she happened to stop by after it had been cleaned quite a bit. It wasn’t perfect, but could have been worse off.

Anyway, it was good to see her. It was the first time I have seen her since the court hearing almost three months ago. She actually came inside the house! I held back my desire to give her a hug and pour out my feelings that I thought were gone. I was getting to the point of not caring again. When I had set out on this trek – I think I had decided that I as long as I was given strength from above – I would continue.

I had prayed for the feelings to be reinvigorated… she stops by and boy were they ever reinvigorted. Be careful what you pray for – you just might get it.

Gee whiz – 11.5 months left to go on the insane journey to save the marriage against insurmoutable odds. I can’t believe it has been 1.05 years so far.

Thanks to all who are still out there praying and haven’t given up on me or us – especially the very kind person who keeps ranking my articles to let me know someone is reading and is benefiting from the story.

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Yesterday was another day of synchronistic type events.

It really began in the evening. I had spent some time researching a fellow by the name of Telemachus when I arrived home from work. It took me at least three days to figure out how to spelll the guy’s name. I was thinking about some of the exploits of the Roman emperor Constantine, but yet there seems to be evil and good arising from that emperor. The good being that he had ordered the end of the Gladiator games after the exploits of a certain Telemachus. The Gladiator games. I read about 10 pages from a book and spend some time looking up a character named Telemachus.

It is amazing how much power each of us has to influence the whole when the circumstances arise.

The story of Telemachus is found in the writings of Theodoret, Bishop of Cyrrhus in Syria (393-457 A.D.). Theodoret’s Ecclesiastical History covers the period of time up until 429 A.D. (the early fifth century). It is quoted here:

Theodoret of Cyrus (Cyrrhus in Syria), The Ecclesiastical History
Book V, Chapter XXVI: Of Honorius the Emperor and Telemachus the monk.

Honorius, who inherited the empire of Europe, put a stop to the gladitorial combats which had long been held at Rome. The occasion of his doing so arose from the following circumstance. A certain man of the name of Telemachus had embraced the ascetic life. He had set out from the East and for this reason had repaired to Rome. There, when the abominable spectacle was being exhibited, he went himself into the stadium, and stepping down into the arena, endeavoured to stop the men who were wielding their weapons against one another. The spectators of the slaughter were indignant, and inspired by the triad fury of the demon who delights in those bloody deeds, stoned the peacemaker to death.

When the admirable emperor was informed of this he numbered Telemachus in the number of victorius martyrs, and put an end to that impious spectacle.”

A friend of mine came over later yesterday evening. A conversation between he and another friend of mine ensues. As they proceed, I continue to read book I’m trying to finish. It is called Awakening Kundalini. It is about getting our spiritual centers to awaken and what not. This is part of a more esoteric view of the scriptures.

Anyway, as I am reading I notice a rather curious situation. I first am reading about the falling of the wall of Jericho..

As i am reading i read the words 6 times around the wall

Simultaneously, my friends says… a 6 pointed deer.

I think nothing of it and continue reading. I then come to the story of Jacob wrestling and how he had to wrestle till day break. Right as I am reading the words day break.. it happens again.. my friend says wait out alll night until the sun came up… his conversation was in reference to hunting, I was just reading about eastern mysticism and linkages to various ancient texts including parts of the Bible.

As I proceed reading, they do it one more time. The conversation shifts to fishing right at the same time …. I am reading about the feeding of the 5000 with the 5 fishes and 2 loaves. As an aside, some say that the fishes are a symbol of the new covenant, and the 7 are a symbol of the 7 major chakra. I think I have yet to achieve being born of the soul yet, so am still exploring from my mind’s perspective.

Anyway, eventually I put my book down. One of the friends says to me, I’ve got something for you – a word, but first I have another movie that you need to watch in relation to your situation. Have you ever seen Gladiator? I now direct my full undivided attention towards my friend.

Gladiator? Gulp. Oh my.

He then goes on to describe the Word. The word is “Not Yet”. Basically my friend is prophecying to me that a situation is going to arise in the very near future where my wife will want to come home either out of convenience or the situations will arise where she will have limited choice, but I am to WAIT awhile longer until she has had time for the Lord to clean her up more. If nothing else, this gives me hope.

Telemachus… speaking from the grave over 1300 years later and influencing my marital situation. Who would have thunk it?

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This was password protected before, but a friend suggested that this be posted.

Jennifer,

I felt that it would be appropriate to respond to your question with a bit of the story, and perhaps that would placate your curiosity and satisfy my need to tell the story.

When a woman is married and reaches the age of 30, sometimes biological changes occur within her that cause her to seek out something – though she may not know exactly what she is seeking. At first it may be independence from everything that she has known for many years, but eventually she may find that it is something deeper. Not to suggest that this is specific to women, but that unfortunately for me, this is the age that this phenomenon is most common for women.

Though I certainly don’t like it, it is fact of nature in a great deal of marriages in America these days.

In an effort to stand up for what I view as the more difficult – yet more courgageous path I am sticking out what I view as a phase in her life for as long as I can. On average, this phase will last about 2 years and I am currenlty 1 year into “sticking it out”. If one of the marital partners is able to stick it out for that long, then usually the marriage can be restored and often with two or three times the level of joy that it ever had – very similar to how having a baby – though painful – can produce joy on the other side of the painful experience.

While she has certainly made mistakes, this does not absolve me of my mistakes – in that it takes two to tango and there are always two sides to every story.

Therefore, I have expended a great deal of effort to become a better man and by “winning her heart back”, I intend to continue to work on being the best man i can be, despite whatever she may be doing at this time. This may be what is termed, unconditional love, which is somethign rare these days, but is out there still.

I admit that this path I have chosen is difficult and perhaps even difficult for outsiders to understand. This challenge is further compounded when an attractive and confident young lady such as yourself would be kind enough to make me feel like Rod Stewart on a good day with such excellent words as … you are sexy BTW.

As an attractive woman, I am sure you are used to people commenting on your appearance, but what I sensed was something else – something different…perhaps a joyful spirit within, which is why I bothered to respond.

Just so you know the impact we all make – your message came at a time when I was extremely close to giving up on my estranged wife and this challenging path I had chosen, yet something within your spirit kept me going and pursuing what seems to be an impossible goal at present.

What is interesting is that though I have probably spoken way too much to what is effectively a stranger, that is yet how people become friends from time to time.

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Nov 13, 2008 11:17 AM

just wondering what you meant by win her heart back

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Shohn
Date: Nov 12, 2008 4:50 PM

Did you have a question?

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Nov 12, 2008 4:47 PM

win her heart back?

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Shohn
Date: Nov 10, 2008 8:48 AM

Jennifer,

Well thank-you for noticing I am married. Actually, I am tryng to win my wife’s heart back at this point because we are separated. Maybe you could say some prayers for us

Thanks for the compliments though, that helped more than you know. We can be friends if you like though – you seem like a nice outgoing person.

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Oct 3, 2008 9:59 AM

Oh well thanks! I just think you are geourgeous!
But I see that you are married so I better back off! lol
My story? HMMMMM Well I am a RN……never been married no kids. Just got on myspace and trying to meet new people. Whats your story! haha Oh and thanks for the compliments. Very sweet!

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Shohn
Date: Oct 3, 2008 8:08 AM

Well, I appreciate the compliment – that made my day. Not so bad yourself.

So…..what’s your story? I guess that picture of you is from the river… it’s been awhile since I went on that, but it was fun though very cooooooooooooold… !

Shohn

—————– Original Message —————–
From: JENNIFER
Date: Oct 2, 2008 12:30 PM

THANKS FOR THE ADD! YOU ARE VERY SEXY BTW!

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