Tomorrow is the one year anniversary since we have been separated. Not divorced yet somehow.

I find my confidence ever the same in the undulating pattern; however, it doesn’t hurt as near as bad as it did a year ago. In addition, I find a part of me starting to slip in again that no longer cares. I wonder how much longer the part of me that does care can hold on? What is interesting is the less I care, the nicer she is.

Some sort of psychic tug of war going on.

They say the same thing on all the movies, radio, etc. yet is just seems cheap and I don’t like it. I wonder if by caring is it my pride or something? Nah… keep pressing on. It is right and good to restore one’s marriage and family.

I make little signs that tell me stuff like: Failure is not an option, This is for the next generation(s), etc. I say little affirmations each day. Little visuals and look for little signs from God to keep me going.

We now talk briefly twice a week when she has the kids call me. The last two times have been positive, but mixed with a letter from her lawyer and bad news from somewhere else.

What a ride it has been coming up on year 1. Never thought I would make it this far.

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I had been reviewing my dream journals from over the last several months and noticed what could be a disturbing pattern. In various scenarios, I find myself in my dream close to getting executed by some character that tends to vary, yet each time it seems that something goes wrong like the firiing mechanism fails, bullet malfunctions, or someone comes up and disturbs the would be assassin. Each time it has been a smaller caliber pistol oriented towards the back of my head. I recall feeling like I had escaped something when I awoke each time.

One time that really caught me off guard – i was in some Chinese prison of sorts with few American pilots.

In each case, I noted in my dream logs that I felt as though I was escaping something, yet others were in peril.

Soul Escape

It is a new concept I’ve been pondering. As I understand it at this time, the Most High views all those with whom we have had sexual relations as being married. Thus the strong warnings against pre-marital sex or with multiple partners for those who would like to form a lasting bond.

In the case of my wife, she was quite friendly before we had become boyfriend / girlfriend in high-school and she was my first. I had been with a couple others after that and then we reconnected.

I’ve been reading a number of books and finding that it may be difficult for myself or my wife to bond with each other on a soul level with our respective histories.

Here I am though. From what I know, her essence will not MANIFEST or perhaps can not MANIFEST. I may be in a similar position.

Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of when we separated.

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Yesterday I had a lunch date with a cute brown eyed girl with dirty blonde hair.

She doesn’t make a lot of money, but has the sweetest disposition… and she even gave me hugs and lots of kisses on the first date!

Attached is a pic of my latest lunch date! I’m thinking of going on a second date with her, but I’d like your opinion just in case I need to steer clear of this one …..

I went to have lunch with a little daughter of mine. We were both so excited to see each other. If you have marital problems, focus on your kids while you wait. It brings can bring a tremendous amount of joy to both your hearts!

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When I set out on this quest of saving both my marriage and my soul, I had hoped to form a model that would resolve most of my life questions by acquiring suffiicient knowledge.

Something just didn’t seem right about just say the magic words “Jesus is my lord and savior” and I am saved. It just didn’t add up rationally, logically, intuitively, and in so other many ways. If it were that simple, I think the idea would be to load up a plane and drop leaflets all over the planet and we’d be done.

Yet it was a start – just as much as I had to learn the ABCs before I could learn how to read. I suppose words like that are the start. I had thought I was “reborn”, but then as I began to observe my own behavior at times, I realized this was not yet true. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m a bad guy, but like the rest of us mere mortals – I have character flaws. Character flaws don’t seem to me to define one who is “reborn”. What is reborn? Reborn and reborn and reborn again? It doesn’t add up.

In the eyes of others, I have discovered that I am often viewed as being arrogant. It seems that humility sometimes requires a severe beating with a wet noodle or in my case getting verbally thrashed by a troup of female lawyers in divorce court in front of my family and hers, then getting to watch as my lawyer verbally thrashes my wife. She played the victim role a bit, and I guess I played the arrogant role a bit.

I watched as the lawyer sat there and tried to feed my ego. Part of me knew what she was doing…. “Shohn … do you like to read a lot?” Will the ego bite? It wants to. Yummy ego food… mmmmmmmm. Not a fun thing to endure, but many lessons were learned from it. I can say – that the board room was NOTHING compared to this situation. We both probably gained 1000 experience points from it.

I then had to write 3 emails (1 per week) before my wife would let me talk to my own kids during the week. That hurt. In her mind, she was justified because I wasn’t using the correct protocol and words. In my mind, I felt like why should I have to grovel to talk to my kids – it’s just a phone call and I have waited 9 months for crying out loud to set this up. I swallowed my pride. Gulp. It didn’t taste as bad as I thought it would.

Life ain’t always fair and sometimes these experiences are to teach us even more I think. From her point of view, I guess she was right, and from my point of view I guess I was right. Two rights sometimes make a wrong don’t they. I decided I’d rather be wrong in this instance. After I became wrong, strangely …. a new freedom was given from above. That thing…. pride….. it welled up within me….. somehow…. it got a little smaller. I’m not talking about apathy, but rather…. the ego pride thing………. That part of me seems to have dissolved a bit. I still feel it in there somewhere, but it is dissolving a bit more each day. One day at a time sweet Jesus as the song goes.

I used to have a motto – never do anything that you will regret – we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time…. stated simply .. do the right thing and the right thing will happen – don’t look back on it. To support this motto, that meant I had to always have the best information – knowledge.

Sometimes what is right and wrong is skewed by our viewpoint and perspective. Folks will say… no .. there is just right and wrong … yet…. the dualistic principle often fails to consider perspective and individual standards. Morals are often relative. How then does one determine what is right and what is wrong? Perhaps we are asking the WRONG questions….?

I started out long ago realizing that we are all somehow someway brothers and sisters. The very concept of marriage kind of messed with my head sometimes, because I would think of it as… wait a second… in a weird sort of way… I’m marrying my sister. We are all composed of matter and whatever energy animates our cells in this place called our universe. We are all made of star dust. The same stuff – we are all – the same. From that level then, when one of my brother star dust collections decides that it wants my job it is all together rather humorous if you think about it from a really big picture. Zoom out a tick or two. Do you see those little ants on earth having marital disputes… laugh out loud… isn’t it funny that they can’t even get along and don’t even realize that they are the same!

I then searched the scriptures for answers. I found themes that made sense, yet lacked the experiential knowledge to apply many of the themes. I was learning and attempting to do, but not becoming. As I searched and searched and realized there are 1000 theologies, 100000 churches, 100000000000000 different opinions, and that none seemed to ring a bell as “truth”, I was a bit confounded. Perhaps the right answer is that there is no answer. I then found holes in the ol’ Bible. Things that were taken out and copy edited in. I tried to fight it. Nope the Bible is the Authority… dang it. Then eventually I got to a point… they took stuff out of here…. but why? To water it down and make it palatable for folks like me who had to start somewhere. The more I searched the more I realized there was just as big a picture within the various sacred writings as there was from the intuitive picture of the universe – all of us being one, etc.

Why is God considered male as the nomative with the exclusion of female -when God by definition is infinite? Male and female he created them….

Really and truly one person’s garbage becomes another’s truth and my truth for today can be changed by what I learn tomorrow. Perhaps first acknowledging that all of us are God’s children is a start. Then acknowledging that kindergarteners and those with Phds on their level of spirituality exist in this world. Then perhaps acknowledge that the growth never stops…….. maybe even…. it is possible for God to grow with us as we grow?

I see a parallel in spiritual things now in many things and most particularly within my marriage. The marriage is a metaphor for mine and my wife’s growth spiritually.

Let me give you an example of yet another metaphor. One of the toys that God provided us males – the penis – is responsible for expelling waste, for pleasure, and for new life. A triple edged sword that is staring all of us men right in the face every morning, well, you get the idea – yet we all too often ignore the mighty phallic metaphor weighing us down each morning. There are metaphors all around us if we will just but look and they are in our scriptures if we will stop arguing for a second and instead….. do and become what they say….

Where have I arrived with today’s truth? It is within you – and you must seek – exactly as instructed by our Lord. My spiritual ontology is largely intellectual at this point. I am now seeking to both do and become the model by expanding my very imbalanced sense of intuition, love, judgment, mercy, etc.

A woman steals bread to provide for food for hew new born son. She gets caught. Is she guilty of stealing?

We find ourselves rationalizing something as being okay…….. if you have to rationalize…. is it okay?

One of the biggest parables of Jesus was the one about the good ground. You know … the one about the seed landing in thorns, hard ground, good ground, etc. One must till the soil it seems. That may mean different things to different folks, but I guess to me it means that becoming pure is not an option. What is pure? I think you know.

I’ve heard that after this little war of armegeddon is over within me – hopefully, the Messiah will return at last – within me – and I can learn directly….. instead of through others…. as has been stated in the Bible all along though we choose to ignore it. If you have a KJ, turn to the very middle and see. It’s right there staring you in the face.

In my fight to save my marriage, at this juncture I have learned that we must become what we pray for … otherwise … the way this place works it will turn against us to test us. If you say I’m good at restoring my marriage and make a web site for all the world to see, guess what – you will be tested.

Learning, doing, and becoming.

Become what you pray for? Instead of praying for her to change.. I pray for opportunities to demonstrate that I have changed and for me to change. I visualize me serving her… making her breakfast in bed, watching the kids while she goes shopping maybe, us watching the kids play on the beach was just a start. We’ll see if my visual prayers start to kick in or not.

I feel like I will be tested severly over the next six weeks. What I have observed is that as I “pass” a test … everything flows smoothly right after that .. like clock work…. come to me all you who are weary – my burden is light ….

if I fail the test…. well… I tend to get slapped pretty hard now. I call it the left hand of Correction. Some people call it Satan. Some call it the beast within us mentioned in Revelation.

There is much more to learn, but I hope that experiences that I have gone through and am documenting for your benefit will allow you to stick with the right hand of God…. which is actually…. quite… gentle. I started out as an arrogant know it all reborn Jesus freak. I’m still into Jesus, but hopefully not quite as arrogant.

My mother in law has asked if myself and my pastor if we would like to go bowling with her and my wife. Miracles upon miracles.

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I have been working out off and on for about a month or so. I wanted to note the following as I proceed to the next phase of my goals – one of which is to lose weight and increase muscle and have a body like Van Damme by time I am 33. I am 31 now. Good luck with that you arrogant son of a gun…

Where am I today?

I adjusted a vegetarian diet back in May of 08. Back then I weighed about 210-215lbs. I call it a “fast” so I don’t freak people out. What do you mean you don’t want to eat dead animals? Is there something wrong with you? I could ask – have you ever looked one of these animals in the eyes as it was being killed? No? I didn’t think so – let me eat my rabbit food in peace please

I have been told my numerous individuals that I “look better” since doing the vegetarian thing; however, my weight is now come back up between 225-230lbs and I am not happy about this.

Digging far back into the ol’ mathematics memory bank, I decided that I needed to look at the body as a differential equation of sorts. It seems that relationships are much the same and I have noticed that many things in life tend to have analogies else where on how things really work behind the scenes. Relationship dynamics equations vs. body equations… perhaps similar to how there are equations in the electrical and mechanical world that are basically the same but just use different methods of representation… for example, a capacitor stores / dampens electrical energy and so does a compressed spring. You may remember physics from back in high-school and that the equations for modeling eletrical and physical things are often very much the same even when looking at very different things. A spring and capacitor may be a bad example, but I hope you get the point. I’m trying to think about the body in some sort of equation format when I have no formal diet / nutrition training. Good luck with that.

Really though, I do see it as a system that does not look all that different from working some math problem years ago. I think the fundamental problem is that we tend to assume that some of the other variables are unrelated. I’ll have to take us back in time for a second.

So, for some reason, ever since 3rd grade I have been over weight. I played outide, sports, worked, etc. yet was still overweight. I do know what started it – bologna sandwiches all summer long with a grandpa who thought I was starving even though mom fed us very balanced meals. Something then triggered either genetically or I somehow managed to reprogram my body to retain fat during that summer and it has been the same ever since. I am now 6 foot 1″ and am often referrred to as “big guy” due to the bulkiness of my muscles. Sheaaah.

Here we are though today. I look okay, but I’d like to improve the weight thing for health reasons and so that my wife will be irresistably drawn to my new van dam like appearance (yes tongue in cheek). Now don’t get me wrong, for the second time in my life – women are finding me attractive again. There seems to be some sweet spot right at about 220lbs where I start getting hit on. That’s not exactly what I want, but it does give the ego a little boost when I get down waiting on my beloved wife.

So… here is the goal, lose 30lbs by next summer. That means I need to somehow spend 105,000 calories by next summer if a pound of fat is 3500 cals. If I currently go with the 2200 calorie a day diet and shave off 1000 per day – that could put me at the desired loss in 100 days give or take provided that the burn rate remains constant. That’s the problem – the body adjusts as caloric intake is reduced. It’s all very simple actually – they teach stuff like this in engineering classes. Since the body then compensates by dropping the metabolic rate – perhaps there are ways to better lose weight than starving for a 100 days? You seeing some parallels with relationship dynamics yet?

Okay, is there another way? I’ve done the Atkins thing and it works for the first 20lbs or so until the body catches on. Ultimately, no matter what diet I try, or heck even since I have been exercising more and generally eating quite healthy – my body has still decided to convert bell peppers and brocoli into … fat. This may be analgous to the success with the marriage last year. There are still some underlying issues though that need to be solved. Time to break out the jack hammer and relay the foundation.

I suspect that what may be occurring is that due to the vegetarian thing, I probably had a loss in muscle – not that I had any muscle to start with other than being a big guy. This loss of muscle may have then allowed for less burning of energy maybe. In addition, my body was somehow reprogrammed to gain weight when I was a young man. It must be reprogrammed.

Firstly, to counteract the lack of protein – I started working out and ingesting something called whey protein. I’ve been told that I am looking thinner – though my weight does not reflect it. Did I somehow gain 15lbs of muscle over 5-6 months? I doubt it, though my strength did go up tremendously within the span of 2 months. I shall continue with this program; however, I need to make some adjustments.

I’m going to investigate the role of the thyroid gland in regulating weight gain / loss. I may look at extra iodine for the old’ thyroid.

I’m going to see about accupuncture treatment for weight loss. I had been doing accupuncture to help with my blood pressure. It concert with other holisitic healing thingies, it seems to have dropped my blood pressure by 30 points in about 3 weeks. Eat your heart out Dr. Jinx – Topral XL and Diovan is for the birds…. the body already had what it needed to drop the blood pressure and I hope the same is true for weight loss because I really don’t want to starve myself for 100 days thus resulting in further lowering of my metabolic rate.

Beyond this, I’m going to see if I have any food allergies that may contribute to a lower metabolic rate.

That’s all for now. As of this writing I weight 230lbs. I would like to weigh about 200lbs. 215lbs seems to be my lower limit. I had gotten down to 205lbs at one point, but that was during the early stages of the divorce proceedings when I didn’t eat for like two months straight almost

Other things in the news… me and my mother in law have been doing Bible study together and she has been coaching me on a number of areas as far as better relating to women. Learning a lot still.

One effect is the emotional shutdown and clam up effect. I have known about this for about a year now, but unsure of how to deal with it. I’m still not sure if this is specific to women or not, but I’ll continue to investigate.

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