Well, I guess we will be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell maybe. We talked today. There was total vibe (17 hits). A bit of anger mixed in, but definite vibe. This was as I was writing a nice little child support check to her :D

She said - you always talk - now - you are going to listen to me. I loved it. I’ve been waiting and waiting for her to stand up and take the reigns on some things for years. To put me in my place as it were. She definitely did today. It is the intimidation factor. Somehow I unwittingly intimidate her - actually a lot of people I’m starting to discover. I don’t mean to, but I do. She has almost always bottled her feelings up. She actually opened up. Loved every minute of it. Anyway, asked when I could take her on a date. I pretty much messed that up earlier this week after we had gotten into a slight argument. Date possibility denied. She made it clear that never was she going on a date with me. Today it changed. Thank you Jesus! She said today… let me get through the month of May and we’ll see about a date. She’s still hard core on the divorce, but for some strange reason I know its going to be okay. 

At one point she had told one of my aunts who was having marital trouble - “You should just divorce his a$$”. She confessed to me today that it was reverse pyschology. My wife is actually a genius in disguise. I knew I married her for a number of others reasons including her smarts, but I didn’t know she was that smart. I guess it all comes back to intentions. When we assume that our spouses intentions are malevolent - that is when the problems start.  

 

Something else huge….. she said something about whenever she gets upset vs. whenever I get upset. She say that whenever she says something to get met upset that she is supposed to be all kind and understanding, but whenever she gets upset because of something I say that I won’t be all kind and understanding. Genius. She tactfully changed my point of view on much of our history. Within that one sentence, she revealed a number of things that were going wrong with our relationship. As I work through this, it creates in my mind a new concept. I’ll call it the “hot air effect” and it has to do with things people say when they are angry and as stated oh so succinctly to me by former crack smokin Vulcan friend. We say what we least mean when we are angry. It opened a huge door into understanding her point of view - the main part being, that she understands this effect. The net effect being - that she says things she doesn’t mean too. I’m sitting here going…. really? Geez - I thought you meant all those mean things that have been said over the years when you were angry.

I saw this same thing happen to my brother and his wife. He said something she said something and the next thing you know she is hitting him while he is holding their baby. He says he wants a divorce because of the hitting and then she says well I’m moving out tomorrow. Fortunately, my brother called me and asked for prayer support. She didn’t move out, but I got to share with my brother the mistakes from my own marriage. He was in “but she did this” mode. I’m not sure what to call this effect, perhaps the “blinded assign blame in marital escalation” effect. Perhaps - the “blame tornado” effect? I said to my brother - dude - it’s not like the two of you sat down and deliberately decided to say and do those things to each other. It escalated. She didn’t want to hit you no more than you wanted to ask for a divorce. Realize that it is part of the escalation cycle - and instead ask yourself and her - how did we get into that escalation tornado?  He understood and they figured that part of marital strife out hopefully.

Honestly, we are so poorly trained at marriage now a days it is ridiculous. No wonder the divorce rates are so high. We don’t have a fighting chance hardly any of us. Either way though - the things that she said today - My wife has been a genius this whole time and was holding out on me apparently or I was to self-absorbed to notice. Either way - yay Jesus! Can’t wait to be divorced and remarry this gal. God I love her so much. The interesting part is that the person whom she is becoming - I’m really digging. There are things that I’ve wanted for her to do - that is become more independent - take charge - take the reigns instead of having me usually lead. Early on in our relationship she wanted us to sit down and have dinner together as a family. I didn’t grow up that way. It was foreign to me. In retrospect, I wish that she would have said something like - look - we’re sitting down as a family and having dinner at a table and you will participate. So with this new enlightenment and point of view - I replay the night she moved out in my head from a different perspective. I replay the same scenario that my brother went through. I now wonder - had I had this revelation that night - what would have happened instead? Was she just blowing off steam? Do we all do that sometimes in marriage and even to those that we love? My wife was smart enough to understand this effect almost intuitively. I had to get papers filed on me to understand it.Either way - there was vibe mixed in with a slight bit of tension. More so vibe this time. Lovin  the vibe and despite many of our mutual shortcomings - I now have a new found respect for her smarts and the person she is evolving into. I expect more anger for a couple of weeks, but now that I understand the effect more - well it gives me much more patience. God works in mysterious ways indeed. It is almost like He had to destroy before He could build. Yay Jesus. I had almost thrown in the towel again.

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