Only Nixon could go to China - it was an ancient Vulcan proverb.

 

Well, I heard another one today. In one sentence, this guy stated something that I have been trying to explain to folks for years. This guy was a former crack smokin homeless 20 something. He wrote letters to Satan saying I will worship you. Tatooed body full of vampire symbols, huge ADD problem from years of cocaine abuse and I don’t mean drinking lots of early 20th century Coca Cola acquired from antique stores.

 

We say what we least mean when we are angry.

 

I love that. It is so true at least from my perspective. 

 

 

Most of us are “Round” characters not unlike Pinhead in the Hellraiser movie series though not displaying his tenacity for evil in such pure form. That is even though this character was almost the epitomy of evil - he still would do right from time to time - making the fight fair, etc. Jason from the Friday the 13th movie series was not a round character…. gimme a chainsaw and I’m going to continually pursue people with my heart’s evil desires. A heart that had become so corrupt - there was nothing left - even worse than the Grinch who stole Christmas.

 

 

 There seems to be a part in all of us that is evil and a part that is good. When the spirit of anger overcomes - we may say to those whom we hold most dear - what comes from the worst of us - yet if we are striving to be good….. it is what we would least mean.  Ironic isn’t it?

 

 

 

It seems like each of us was given something to overcome in this life. Apparently mine was a marriage that went and is going bad, a temper, mild abuse as a child (weren’t we all), supposedly some degree of intellectualism (though I can’t spell or use proper grammar to save my life - nice use of parenthetical in the middle of the sentence to belabor the point) counterbalanced with a caring heart causing me to be unable to express to those whom I love the most dear what is in my heart. I have been often misread over the course of my life. Often separated from the rest of the class because I was the “smart kid”, yet still not being arrogant about whatever gifts I was given, all the while being damned to be misread as being arrogant from my inability to translate what was in my head that most folks “couldn’t get”. That changed once I hit college, but none the less it was that way for most of my life.

 

 

This same paradigm I have deduced in many ways is what affected the relationship between my wife and I. She could never get that my heart was in the right place all along and still is. I think she started getting glimpes into this before she moved out, but it perhaps intimidated her. Bless her heart.

 

 

In a letter from James it talks about controlling the tongue for words have power to both create and to destroy. It seems like on many levels it is almost a metaphysical type of thing. That is, words we speak even when others are not around have an impact within the spiritual world. Some call it karma.

 

 

 

 

Anger. Different kinds there are. Righteous indignation seemed to be the one that Jesus would display. It was all about the attitude. To the hypocrites and money changers - well he’d cut them down so low, they probably couldn’t walk for a week if they were even smart enough to receive His words. Get this junk out of my Father’s house. What the umm heck is wrong with you guys? Reminds me in many ways of much of the peddling of Christian books and wares now a days. There are certainly some good books out there, but we have to be careful still.

 

What then? Anger - it is a very complex emotion and I can’t stand it. I had made a decision a long time ago that I would no longer have the emotion of anger in my life so I set out to rid myself of it not unlike Spock’s quest for a mind pure from emotions at times. The problem with this, was that by removing this as best I could I eventually entered into a position of being unable to relate to why other people may be angry or resentful. I simply couldn’t understand it. What is so hard about forgiving I would say? You just say you’re sorry and it’s done. 

 

 

When running the race - there are those who can run faster than others. Sometimes they are able to do this through the gifts and grace of God - and sometimes through effort at something they naturally suck at. Those at the lead of the race seem to sometimes be plagued by an inability to understand from whence they came - the former self. I know I had this problem for years.

 

 

What is so hard about it? I don’t get it. My former mentor revealed some more Vulcan proverbs to me that put this into perspective.

 

 

He said - “Shohn - you run so much faster than everyone else. You are the smartest person I have ever met. However, you must also be smart enough to realize what they don’t know and what they can’t do.” That hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like that opening scene in Saving Private Ryan with the Captain in shell shock.

 

Be smart enough to know what you don’t know. This is one I have held onto for a long time. Not sure where I got it from, but it has been one of my life’s principles. Here is where it gets complicated. If you don’t get my humor - that is because you are stupid. Was that funny or did it insult you? Think about it. It seems pretty straight forward, but I know many people that would insult to no end.

 

 

My words - they have power and unfortunately for most of my life I have been confined in a weird sort of state of mind. I always come at things with a pure heart. Never intending or deliberately wanting to hurt anyone. It has never been my style. In many ways, the purity I have sought was viewed with a certain disdain in that - the general populace and my wife would not buy it. There is no way your intentions can be that good. The Lemon factor I guess. If it sounds too good to be true it probably is. 

 

Not sure why, but I’ve never been able to even fathom deliberately wounding someone emotionally, verbally, etc with the words, but there I was confined to the role of Sisyphus (19 hits) - forever trying to convey the goodness in my heart, yet simultaneously being doomed for it to almost always be misread by many in my life - and most recently my wife. Now I am asking my Nixon, Jesus, to go to my China - my wife’s heart, and somehow say what I just said. He is able and only has to say the word and she will be healed.

 

 

Perhaps I should go smoke some crack myself after writing all this meaningless drivel.

 

 

 

 

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