Glass Gloves

Well. I’ve worked for 6 months trying to salvage this thing through many of my own efforts. I have felt for some time that the month of May was going to be a huge month. I don’t know what is going to happen. My responses to her interogatories go back to her lawyer tomorrow. D-day is coming! I see the big man moving on a number of things that are peripheral to this whole divorce thing though.
Heck, my Dad is sending Jesus messages out in email now! I’ve prayed for that for well over a year now! Thank-you Yeshua! My mom is getting reengaged into the Bible! A year ago - she was one of the persons tossing stones at me and saying …. “Shohn - don’t be surprised at people throwing rocks at you”. She now is sending out  all kinds of  prayer,  and  pro-Jesus messages. She is even dreaming about my dad and FINALLY looking at her part in the disolution of her own marriage instead of pointing the finger straight at my dad! That is a miracle in and of itself! Yay Jesus!
I experienced sajoy yesterday. It is a new term for an emotion you may have experienced. It is being melancholy and truly filled with deep remorse / regret coupled with hope and joy knowing that even through the pain that is currently being endured that there is yet a greater purpose to it all. Seeing life from the valley - realizing and understanding that it is, in fact, a valley - yet the purpose is for something greater on the horizon which brought both tears of joy and sadness simultaneously.

Purpose is what defines us. Without it - we become useless, bored, and seem to continually pursue things in our lives to fill the emptiness in our soul (e.g., golf). Well, at least I felt that way for a long time before getting on this whole Jesus trip. My purpose eventually became my children and my wife. That is great, but there is an even greater  purpose I have found
I remember back in the day, I could only reach this sort of “understanding” by inhaling some of what Bill Clinton said he didn’t inhale. I recall reaching the conclusion at one point, that possibly this life that we are in - is actually heaven, - in that if it were too perfect - and there were no evil - then how then could we come to appreciate the good without the bad - in a round about sort of counter intuitive way - sort of like a child looking back on learning how to ride a bike - the pain from falling down once the training wheels were removed, but it later becoming a happy memory despite the skuffed knees at that time.

Again, I’m looking at this from two perspectives. One is the here and now and it sucks. The next is looking at the present around 18 months from now - that is envisioning the future self - looking back on what I write today and saying ….. Wow.

Ground control to Major Tom?

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Hey Bob…

Yeah.

Two girls born on the same day by the same parents walked into a job site to seek out employment. Each of them presented their respective resumes and the receptionist noted that they were born on the same day, looked exactly alike, and had the same parents. The receptionist asked…. are you two twins?

They both responded ”No.” and were being honest.

How can this be?

Don’t cheat. 

Bob?

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Well. Today is a new day. I had spoken with my potentially soon to be ex-sister in law and my potentially soon to be ex-father in law yesterday. Fun with Xs. If this thing goes through, there will be like 243 Xs involved somehow. Ex-grandfather in law for her, ex grand father in law for me. Ex - step grandfather in laws. I could go on and on just like Bubba about shrimp in the movie Forest Gump.  Potentially soon to be Ex-crazy aunt always singing the ol’ American pledge of allegience instead of the prayer at Thanksgiving.
Well, get this. The ol’ potentially soon to be ex-father in law informed me that him and his wife are starting to get along now. Can anyone say “Huh?”. Where did that come from? What in the world? Crazy emotional relationship dynamics coupled with sometimes annoying contiuum of space and time created for our feeble minds to barely conceptualize the spiritual world that our Savior hath made. Patience, young grasshopper.
He told me his secret was that he honestly has no idea whether or not they are going to get back together and just quit worrying about it. It had been slow in coming. My potentially soon to be ex-wife and I have been somewhat talking. A minute there. 5 minutes there. Can we go on a date? How bout a date dang it? Oh, can we go on a date? I want to buy you milk and cookies.
I’m pretty sure that a date will happen in the not too distant future. Perhaps after we are officially divorced. I suspect from a worldly point of view that the divorce will allow her to “breathe” emotionally and say “I told you so”. One really big “I told you so” I might add. It is in a way a way for her to save face and teach the ol’ Shohn some sort of perverted lesson in humility I suppose. I would have preferred her to have put me in a head lock and given me a couple of kidney shots instead, but I digress.
She has given many things away in our conversations that have subtly alluded to this. Also, I have noted that she is still cycling up and down. I thought I would share what i think I have learned. There seems to be this up and down emotional thing that she experiences. Part of it just due to being a woman I guess, part of it due to her past, our present situation, the children, etc. Lots of variables in there. Feminists and analytical gals, that last part does not apply to you okay!
Public confession from about a week ago: I had asked one girl I know to set me up with one of her friends for a date about a week ago when I had more or less given up on me wife. I reached a really really low point. Started getting angry for once. I felt a huge cow of resentment growing. Down Betsy.

I asked her.. “Hey - do you know any nice single 20 something gals - maybe even with a child already that are emotional disorder free?” Her comment back was “Shohn - I hate to break it to you, but I’d venture a guess that at least 50% of women have some sort of emotional disorder.”  Yeah, one of my friends told me that at one point, but I thought it was junk. I’ve worked with plenty of women in the work force who are even keel and aren’t all up and down style.
Anyway, the point to this is that there seem to be optimum times to ask certain things. An act of love is to discern what mood she is in, and not ask oh… I don’t know… for a date when she is in a bad mood. When I speak to her, I can gather her mood in about a second and a half from her voice.

The little stop cross out sign above is drawn at a point where it is generally not a good idea to ask for that date.  See the Happy curve and then the sad curve? No date asking when potentially soon to be ex-wife reaches sad or angry part of curve. Bad idea. Wait until she reach happy part of curve. That much better idea.
I think a similar concept will apply to those of you whose wives are still living with ya. According to my gal friend (not girlfriend), 50% of women are just that way. The challenge for us generally emotionally level men is to recognize this as perhaps just part of the nature of our object of affection. Truly then, the act of love - of agape is become better at not pushing those pesky buttons during those times. Hopefully, the wife will reciprocate. It takes time sometimes. In my case, 6 months so far to even get a smile and happy voice out of me wife. 6 months -of crying, prayer, getting on my knees, followed by another 6 months of denial, anger, resentment, followed by a certain peace that is unexplainable, ….. all to earn the prize of one little X and O on a date in the not too distanct future.

The sad part is this. I’m reasonably sure we can get a date now. The timing is still a bit off, but she has left that door open, and I’m reasonably sure that it isn’t completely pyschological warfare in preparation for cleaning my clock in a divorce court. At the same time though, she started being nice when I started pushing her off. Go away evil potentially soon to be ex-wife always reversing on your committments. She’d say “What’s wrong?” - “What’s wrong?”. Ohhhh please. Leave me alone.

Can I take you on a date about a week later. I’ll think about it.

Can I get a rain check? Yes.

Oh so much I want X and Os from currently cold doppleganger of my wife. Wife are you in there? Where are you? Are you inside there somewhere? Hello…. nothing but echoes and the occasional smile and allusion to a date.

Well if this thing goes through, at least I won’t have to worry about getting undesired Xs and Os from crazy potentially soon to be ex-aunt in law with large amount of hair growing from her ummm… nevermind. That is one reason to be thankful! See good in bad!
I’ve got another reason to be really joyful and happy today. The new Portishead album came out! Yay! Love Portishead! Oh yeah, well if you love Portishead then why don’t you marry their singer Shohn?

I’m thinking about it. Perhaps Ms. Gibbons if not already taken will be my next future ex-wife? We would at least like the same kind of music. That’s as good a place to start as any I suppose.
On a scriptural note, I’ve been very much focused on Numbers 13 - 14 starting yesterday. Good medicine for doubt. Maybe Ms. Gibbons can read it to me with that oh so beautiful voice of hers.

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Well….

Almost got a date… maybe. Yeah right. She decided to have a mother daughter day this weekend. Nothing wrong with that. Anyway she said she would give me a rain check. Psychological warfare or real? I don’t know.

I called back and asked… are you serious about a rain check? Naaaaaw, I was just saying that (sarcasm level 5). Okay.

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Well, when I started this site I figured if it could help at least one person rescue their marriage then it was worth it. I know of so many more that it has helped that I feel the purpose was fulfilled. My marriage is now swirling down the toilet. Again, that does not mean it is over as I still maintain that Jesus does His best work under impossible situations.
Over the last week, I have been responding to interrogatories from my wife’s divorce petition. Fun stuff. How much money do you make it asks? How much money? Oh, and by the way - how much money do you make again?

Have you had sex with persons outside of your marriage during your marriage?

Have you ever beaten the tar out of your wife and children with a palm frond?

How about head butting your children in the nose? Have you ever head butted your children or put them in a half nelson over the course of the marriage? If you have, we’d like to know about any such half-nelons.

Do you think your wife has ever intentionally put you into a half-nelson? What about a full nelson? Has she ever given you a Nile Ruby or Indian Rope Burn? What about you? Have you ever been put into a human knot by your wife? Has she ever severly beaten you?

Trying to keep this with a light heart I guess. If I can’t laugh and still be joyful I’ve lost everything and I won’t let anyone take that away darn it!

Carrying my cross. Jesus seems to suggest in my heart that this is my cross to carry. Forunately or unfortunately, I haven’t shed my blood for Him yet so that certainly puts things into perspective.

Anyway, looks like she is gearing up for battle. I have asked to meet on several occassions to work this out peacefully, but she has thus far agreed to do so, but no action behind it.
I asked her to go roller skating or ice skating with me this weekend. She said she doesn’t like ice skating, but would consider roller skating. I figure I have about a .0000001% chance of her saying yes. If she says no, I will probably ask again in about a month or two. The goal is just to have fun really. Can you have fun with someone who is filing divorce against you? Call me crazy, but I could!
Anyway, I had gotten off the path or walk for a bit. Nothing reallly bad, but just sort of waivered a bit. Doubt and what not started creeping in. I had to found out whether I would have problems getting dates and discovered that I have absolutely NO problem getting dates. Sort of a confidence booster I guess, but probably not the way He would have done it so I had to ask for forgiveness and knock it off. I guess this is a public confession.
Also, some other cool stuff spiritually is still happening. It happens so much now that I’ve started to lose interest in writing down the cool stuff. No golden dust or whatever like some say in the “prophetic” movement which I’m still not sure if that is a big hoax or not, but some cool coincidences and stuff still related very much to my prayers and scripture reading.

This morning I was reading about a battle between David and the Arameans. This was ummm… directed / guided to by a place in my heart. The first license plate I saw this morning spelled out ARAMAAN about 10 minutes after I had concluded by morning reading. Pretty weird and sweet I thought.

Well, if we don’t get to go on a date I guess we will be shortly going to battle for a bit. I’ve offered two olive branches to work it out peacefully. I will offer one more. I hope it doesn’t come to battle.

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I put my heart and tears onto a piece of paper today. Found my fire pit and a purple lighter so I could pray. Started a fire perhaps a funeral pyre for my family.
I wrote it down that this problem is too big for me. I said I’m scared now because I feel my heart getting cold and I don’t want it be. I start the fire and place my fear and doubt into the heat. The wind picks up and the fire grows while I look at my feet. I see my toenails and watch the smoke rise. Tears run down as ask Him if He hears my cries. I play a song that make me think and I get more sad. I feel my heart release as the smoke goes up. I throw a tear in the flame and listen to the sizzling sound.

She calls a few minutes later and asks what’s wrong. I want to say what do you think is wrong or something else mean. She talks about the kids and when we should meet. She says  bye in a tender voice. I don’t want to talk to her nor do I care. I then think to myself well He answered my prayer.

Oh.. why… does it have to be this way? Life’s ups and downs can sure be fun. I’m looking back on today from 18 months now. I wonder how I ever made it through days like these. I read my words and can no longer understand what I felt today.

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You came to me to get your things from the house. I spent a few minutes before you arrived getting things ready for your sight. We sit and talk alone at last for the first time in awhile. I look at you and want to show you what’s in my heart. The words come out but they’re just not right and you think we’re about to fight.

You tell me that you’re not coming back. I said wait and see and never say never to me. You said you didn’t say never you said not which is not saying a lot. No not withstanding nothing is not better than never I say to me. You look at me and say you’re not happy with the way things were or could be. In my defense, I saw it  all slipping right through my hand. Tried to fight for us but I couldn’t ever get you to understand. I wrote my heart down on a letter and gave it to you. You cried and said how will I know things won’t be back the way they were. I cried and said things can’t be the way they were. You say now.. we weren’t meant to be. I look at you and say how did we get here and why did you marry me?

I look around and see the sun and I smile. You say you have to go.
I pray to God to take this fault and make it be. I get scared because I feel my heart growing cold to you. You look at our son and it reminds you of me. You come around and say you were wrong and I fall down.
I look at you and want to give you a chance. I fear the same abandon game and I say no. I cry out to God for the love to grow and He says not now. He plants a seed and looks at me and I see how. Oh I want us to be, but now I’ve fallen down. God come to me and I’ll tell them why. He looks at me and I start to cry. Oh why does it have to be this way? Why can’t we just all be happy like me? No not withstanding nothing is free.

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Yeah, I had pretty much given up. Told Yeshua - I guess it is over with, but I’ll keep praying buddy.

Well, guess what…. this guy calls me today. Said he went out of his way to track me down for his mailing list. Cool, I thought. Apparently, since I moved his newsletters started bouncing. Ordinarily, he said it would just be an ignore and move on. He called me though, which he said was unusual.

Anyway, we got to talking and he told me how he went through 4 years of HELL in his marriage. Said his wife wouldn’t even sleep with him for about 2 years. Wow. 2 years of couching it.

He got into trouble because his wife would say that family is more important and he would say that God was more important. Classic spousal jealousy of God.
I have concluded that I had actually made my wife an idol of my heart before my God. Sorry about that Yeshua.

Anyway, little things like that happen that just catch me off guard. I’m new to all this stuff. That is, the part where God just moves…. out of the blue and has some stranger say something to you that hits you right in the heart or right between the eyes with a 2X4. That is what happened today. I was laughing out loud when the call was over. I told God - you are Sooooooo funnnnnny!  The construction worker watching me was probably a little weirded out. Hah!
I’m serious. I was so close to just saying the heck with it. What are the odds? Play Texas lottery instead.
Anyway, also the other day I got pulled over for speeding, couldn’t find my insurance card, my registration was out, my inspection was expired, and I failed to signal. I might as well have had a giant sign on my car saying — PLEASE PLEASE PULL ME OVER AND GIVE ME A TICKET! PLEASE PLEASE! I WANT A TICKET SO BAD!
I prayed and prayed while the trooper went to his car. I received a warning. Maybe a warning of a different sort too from above.

Thank-you Jesus!

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So I guess I got another something or another put on my heart while I was in a deep state of prayer. It said “Your house will be rebuilt”. Not sure what to make of it. I asked for confirmation and something popped into my head. Page 727. I was at my grandma and grandpa’s though and didn’t have my Bible.

When I got home I was astounded as I opened me Bible. It was talking about enemies that were opposing the rebuilding of the temple in Ezra somewhere. Rebuilding the temple was the title of the page. Wow.
The question I posed was whether or not I was deluding myself with these things being put on my heart and whether she was ever coming home. I had asked if my wife was coming home. Started praying the names of God for her to come home yesterday morning as confirmation of my hopefully non-delusional state.
El Shadai - God Almighty - maker of the heaven and earth. I asked for her to come home. She did. She stopped by the house yesterday unexpectedly. Not quite what I was hoping for, but prayer answered none the less.

What was weird is that my mentor in Yeshua had mentioned this same concept… rebuilding / revival from the dead later that evening - unprompted by myself and without revealing the following details.

A bird almost died at my grandma’s. It had knocked itself out as it tried to get out of the garage. My grandpa said “Well, the bird knocked itself out, but it will revive”. It struck a nerve within me. The evening before I had been talking about rejecting my wife for awhile to induce that emotional wanting in her. The next morning my kids watched as a lamb was being born.   The mother of the lamb rejected the new lamb at first. Seemed to be sort of an interesting parallel coincidence to my conversation with my grandma. My grandma told me another story about a couple that had split - the wife had realized the mistake after the divorce. He wouldn’t take her back though - said something like “I don’t want you spending all my money again”. They are good friends and get together for fun in the sack still, but no longer live together. She keeps saying “marry me again”. He says “no”. Fun.
After the lamb was born, I sent the wife a text message - “the kids watched a lamb being born”. She wrote back “That’s awesome!”. Awesome? That word is not part of her normal vocabulary. Interesting. She was pleasant on the phone.  Seems like the anger is evaporating slowly but surely.
Talked to one of my aunts. She suggested that we both start praying for the wife’s heart to be opened to God’s knock. Her primary responsiblity should be to be a wife and mother my aunt says. For some reason, the wife is not wanting that responsiblity at this time. My aunt says that He is knocking at her heart each time one of the kids gets upset, but it doesn’t seem that she is opening the door or that her eyes are opened. We are praying for the door in her heart to be opened more to Him.  She mentioned that I should write the problem down on paper. Put it into a coffee can and then toss in a match or two and watch the smoke rise to the heavens. It has some sort of “release” effect in us I am told. Allowing God to take over. I may try this technique this evening.
Your house will be rebuilt. Is that referring to my temple or to my family? Perhaps both. Which house?
Also, had a really nice revelation the other day. Chills went up my back. Whole body tingled for hours. Seems like everyone is always looking for the beast in Revelation. Is it Saddam Hussein? Is it Hitler? Is it some other diabolical character yet to emerge? Some argue that it is the Eurpoean Union. Who is the beast?

The number of the beast is 666 - the number of man. Look at the Greek behind it. The man sets himself up in the temple of the most High God and blaspemes. The temple of God is within us. He tabernacles within us. Our bodies are His temple. Know what a tabernacle is? God dwelling with us. Used to be a tent / temporary shelter in the old testament - then it became man. Who is the beast?

The beast is me. When I set myself up as my own god and actually think that I am in control of my life I in effect blaspheme the most High God! Got chills yet? A bit counter intuitive to say the least.

Perhaps that is the house that needs to be rebuilt first, before my home can be rebuilt.

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From God’s Daily Promises an email list -

Resist flight

I guess the challenge is that I can’t pray this against my wife. It would be praying it against myself.

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