Glass Gloves

Popularity: 33%

Share This (No hits)

Hello,

I’ve been “Lurking” about for about 5 months since I got the big “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. This has been by far the most difficult & trying time in my life !!! We’ve had our good days & bad ones as well. I just wanted to let all of you know that your posts ARE helpful & inspirational. I’ve been trying very hard to be more spiritual, put it all in God’s hands and try to learn His will. That’s a hard one to figure out… isn’t it.

I had a bit of an epiphany this past week I wanted to share with you. As my journey began to become a better man, husband & father I was  searching for any manner of help & enlightenment which brought me to this site. I would improve & things would temporarily settle down at home but we were/are still mostly co-existing… As my comfort level rose I’d slip back into my old ways. Basically being a lump around the house & not helping like I should. (My attitude has always been that I have the job & support everything. You take care of the house, bring me dinner, blah blah.)

Then all of a sudden the mean bad lady shows up again screaming at me for who knows what…. I started reading the posts on this site again and I realized that just like A.A. or any other support group. Once I quit going I slipped back into the same old routine. I don’t want to be “That guy” anymore. So with the help of everyone sharing on this site I just wanted to say Thank you.

You’ve all been in my prayers regularly & will continue to be. Let’s all try to hang in there as we learn of His will for us.

Thanks again,

Chuck

Popularity: 22%

Share This (No hits)

Morning everyone.

I got a nice dose of reality this morning. And it couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

I own a few restaurants.  We do catering on the side.  This morning my wife told me that a person from the shore called with a catering request.  Now, for your information, my wife goes to her families house down the shore every summer for the past 20 years.  The last few years, my dislike for most of the people down the shore has grown.  AND I’VE MADE NO BONES ABOUT IT. (I just should have shut up and taken it instead of being such a wuss about it.)
My wife informed me that she would prefer it if I did NOT do the party (apprx$5000) because I dislike those people, she didn’t want to hear it……blah blah blah.

I was taken aback because WE BASICALLY HAVE NOT TALKED IN FIVE MONTHS.  So I reply “why are you telling me this.  I haven’t bugged you about ANYTHING in five months!” Well, out comes the demon I was hoping was gone.  The face cranked up, the brow furrowed and a demonic voice was heard ” AND FIVE MONTHS OUT OF 20 YEARS IS A DROP IN THE BUCKET!!!!!!!!”

That was it.  All my hope that she had softened JUST A TINY BIT was out the door.  There has been NO softening.  The same selfish, cruel, stubborn “I HATE YOU” machine was ready and waiting to pounce.  THe same crud about EVERY SINGLE DAY OF 20 YEARS, 7240 DAYS OF ME BEING A JERK.  Not one day did I ever do one thing that was nice!!!!  How do you fight this?!??  ANswer- You don’t.

I had gone to bed hoping , praying for a sign from God that he was taking over and heard my pleas.  This is what I get.  I tell you it makes those of us struggling with faith so much more pessimistic.  I am so down right now.  I guess I will only begin to melt her cold heart as I approach 20 years!!  So only 19 1/2 to go!!

I think my father in law may have said something to her last night and that must have ticked her off.  Like I have said before.  In her head, she deserves to be like this.  She has EARNED the right to hate me.  She doesn’t care WHO it hurts and WHO it effects.  I was a jerk and now she will make me pay for it.  She will do WHAT she wants for as LONG as she wants and to hell with those who don’t agree.  If I want to make things right, fine, but on HER TERMS, and there is NO give and take on her terms.

OUr anniversary went by with not a word spoken.  Now the holidays are fast approaching.  I am DREADING these days.  God hasn’t answered a single prayer since this debacle started (I am sure SHE asked Him to help her in the past concerning our marriage, so He either didn’t answer her or THIS CRUD is His answer, I don’t know.)  But I am angry.  My choices are to drop asking God for help or keep on asking. I KNOW I can’t  do it myself, so I am stuck.

Since this was the first time I mentioned anything about our marriage in five months to my “wife” I continued on and told her that we would have to discuss the upcoming dreaded holidays for my own “mental health”  But I won’t.  I know that the discussion will basically end with her telling me that she won’t kill me in my sleep (I wish she would) but that is the extent of her kindness.  I will be on my own.

Can you believe that God and church is the first thing in this womans life!! How!  How?  I just can’t fathom it.  This type of selfish hurtful behavior is something that I would be accused of.  I’ve always been the bad one. But her????????????????????????? I hate her, I hate me, back and forth back and forth.  I am sick of it.  I JUST WANT ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!!!  I want grap her and drag her to the computer and let her read what OTHER woman are putting up with, the utter crud that they have to bare EVERY SINGLE DAY!.  And all these women want is their husbands love and affection! A lot of them just want to be held, comforted and consoled. They struggle with SO MANY THINGS that my wife has just taken for granted. Life has been SO MUCH HARDER for so many other women.

You all know how badly I feel about my past behaviors.  Because there are other husbands who are worse then me doesn’t give me the right to sit back and not improve but, please, stop this!  I have always thought the world of my wife, even though in her eyes I have treated her like crud.  ANd you know what?  I could have been better.  I could have been more positve, more patient, more thrifty,  but basically didn’t deserve this treatment!  ANd by her words, there is plenty more of hell to come.

Well enough ranting.  Its time to put in another 14 hour day, so that my son could go to boarding school, we can put more money into our retirement, my wife can pay for grad school and all the while she can still conplain to friends that we can’t afford anything and she is so sick of me!!! How long does a garage take to fill up with carbon monoxide?!!!  Ha, just kidding……….for now.

Have a great day people. Shohn, Mike, lig, guest, birillo ,,,,,everyone. I read your stories and I realize that ALL you guys deserve better treatement from your spouses than I do.  You guys make me ashamed of myself to tell you the truth. You feel Gods presence and that must be so comforting on those really bad days. I guess he SHOULD help you before He helps me, you guys have put some much more in the till of goodness.  Where is that till anyways?  Some days, this blog is all I’ve got.  I would love to feel that I have GOD too, but I feel it slooowwwly slipping away.

Nick

Popularity: 21%

Share This (No hits)

It is time to quit smoking. I’ve prayed for the big man to make them taste bad for years. Doesn’t seem to be answered. I’m going to keep praying for that and then see about trying another activity instead of smoking. How about walking around the building instead?

It will be tempting as I pass convenience stores. Mmmmmmm smokes. Not sure how to get that one in check, but I’ll think about it for a bit.

I have lost about 10lbs in the last week. I haven’t had but maybe a plate and a half of food. Just not hungry. Food tastes unappealing - like eating cardboard or something.

I feel my heart fluttering from all the stress. I had high blood pressure anyway, I guess it is time to learn to relax. My sister in law suggested that I go walking and take a trip somewhere. I think I will do that. Just get away from everyone and everything for a weekend - a retreat. Doing my breathing exercises again to keep that natural sedative going. Been listening to a lot of Norah Jones lately. Such a pretty voice - yet so sad. It soothes the soul to hear that woman sing.

Popularity: 20%

Share This (No hits)

Well, I guess I can say it is easier to let go this time. I’ve had more time to reflect about all of this. I’m just going to work on being a better man each day and kind of get back to not who I was, but what I want to be.

I know that most of me is a pretty good sincere person. There are also parts of me that scare me once I get pushed buttons repeatedly pressed. I’m tired of the shenanigans and am going to get on with my life. I do have a hope that the time away will be beneficial for her, but I’m just not going to worry about it anymore. I’m sure there will be a few more ups and downs, but I feel myself letting go just like I did last year.

It is kind of weird, I really feel like the spirit is calling me - trying to talk to me.  Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and a number popped into my head. Hrrmmmmm okay. I had gotten tempted to start thinking about online dating sites and stuff like that. I opened it up and it was a whole  two to three paragraphs dedicated to an adulterous women who snare husbands into death. Yikes! It happened two or three more times that night. I was kind of like - God — what do you want now? Slightly annoyed I went an opened the page that had popped into my head and there was again… this time stuff about a faithless wife each time. The interesting thing was these were passages that I don’t remember reading before.

Not sure what to make of it though. Am I deluding myself? Seems to crazy for it be about marital stuff each time - three times in a row  - instead of some battle or King David singing a song.

Anyway, I went by and talked to the pastor at a local bible church. I told him what was going on and got signed up for men’s bible study just to get some more fellowship and stuff. Basically he said, that agape love is the type of love we’re to have biblically, not the luvvy dovey feelings that everyone is always looking for. I think that is maybe what the wife has been looking for. In addition,  He spoke briefly that my plan to just turn it over to God was probably good. So … sometimes you have to lose to win. This may just be a bit of a “crucible” again.
Honestly, at this point I’m really not even sure I want her back as far as lovey dovey feelings. I’m really tired of every 6 months to a year her deciding that our life sucks for some reason. We had it all - friends, family, good job, a reasonably good sex life, good schools, etc.  - that is really all anyone wants, but it just never seemed to be enough. I’m not sure what she is missing in her life, but I hope she finds whatever it is.

If we ever do reconnect, we’re going to have to start from ground zero and sometimes only time can kill the pain and hurt feelings. Me - I’ll pray for opportunities to help her, but I’m not going to become her slave either because then all I will do is wind up hating her and that won’t be good for anyone.

I’ll continue to participate in the forum and what not, but honestly don’t feel like I’m qualified to comment on some things any more. All I ask is that  you guys just pray for this to come out the way God wants it and for her to find what she’s looking for. It is in His hands. The end for now.

Popularity: 21%

Share This (No hits)

Happy anniversary theresa.  I haven’t forgotten.  Im just not strong enough to hear, “so what”  Happy anniversary, honey. I love you.

Popularity: 18%

Share This (No hits)

Since it seems like I’m being taught some new lessons here, I’m going to see what the spirit is driving me towards each day. Today I went outside to grab a smoke. I’m up to three packs a day again with all this stuff going on. Sometimes I hope for God to just let me stroke out so I can get the heck out of here, but life goes on so I might as well make lemonaid with what I’ve been given.

Anyway, during the smoke break I walked around the building several times …. slowly. I was trying to observe the situation and see what may have been going on. Suddenly I recalled an old boss who used to be intimidating to me. He was a good guy, but intimidating. One of the reasons I left my last job was due to this intimidation factor. Gee whiz … is it possible I had been doing this to my wife? Intimidating her by trying to find the solution to the problem at hand.
It seemed like everything would be going along just fine. Then she’d enter her depression stuff or bipolar thing or whatever it is for a bit. I’d try to help, but felt powerless. In the end I probably just became more annoying and got exactly opposite of what I was trying to do - to support her. I’d sit there and try to fix it. Annoying male habit of always wanting to fix it. She needed someone to be emotionally supportive. What does that mean? Does it really mean just sit there and listen? It makes me feel so inept when I can’t help her. I want to help her, but listening isn’t solving the problem. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it lets her get her feelings off her chest. Maybe that’s the value.

I think of it some more. When I tell her about a problem at work…. the last thing I need is for her to fix it, but then there are times when I do need her input. What is different about each time?

When I need her input - I ask for it. When she gives it without asking I feel crowded. I imagine she feels the same way.

I need to be a better listener. I used to be a long time ago, but lost it somewhere along the way.I will practice this over the coming days.

Popularity: 17%

Share This (No hits)

So I went to a counselor tonight to talk about a few things. Bottom line - I feel great about the future. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I know that pulling out of church for a bit was a MISTAKE! I tried to do all my scriptural research on my own, but one of the missing elements was people. I’m going to get plugged into a local assembly. They may not celebrate Sabbath completely and still do Christmas, but guess what they so have a Saturday service.
One of the mistakes I made was trying to be a better person under my own power. When I start to falter I’ll need a support group.

Feels good to be alive everyone!

Here is one of the lessons - when everything is going on … just try to observe without trying to change anything. Just observe. I’ve never even thought of that. I always try to change the situation - look at this web site for crying out loud ….. change the world! What about sitting back and observing what is happening, processing, then thinking about it. We don’t always have to do something about it. That never even occurred to me as a course of action - nothing as action. Wow.

Popularity: 17%

Share This (No hits)

Captain we’re running under impulse power.

I’ve been trying to think of a way to train myself to become more patient. I need a way to practice controlling those emotional urges. This will help me better when I start to feel resentment. I need an outlet or a channel or a way to to become a Jedi at this stuff. What is the ideal way to practice?

Hrmmm… I do have strong urges to call her almost hourly. That is probably the best place to start. What can I do to incent myself not to call her that will be healthier in the long run and not build up resentment? I’ll have to think about this one for awhile.

Popularity: 22%

Share This (No hits)

Popularity: 21%

Share This (No hits)