Glass Gloves

I received permission from another gentleman to post the following email. I thought it might cheer up a few folks.

Hi Shohn,
Man! It’s been a long time since I’ve talked with you about the troubles that were taking place between my wife and I.
I just wanted to touch base with you and say thank you for your site!!
A few months back I emailed you a few times about my wife and I. She was telling me the proverbial ” I love you but I’m not in love with you ”
I even started a thread on your site about how she wanted to leave and go with her friends to Cancun just to get away and how nervous I was about it. I just wanted to say that through the work of God and all his glory that she once again is totally comitted to our marriage! I can’t begin to tell you how good it feels to look in her eyes and see the love that she has for me once again. We came whithin a thread of ending our marriage, but through the grace of god we were able to recover it all!
Thanks for all you prayers and help!!

(Removed for Privacy),

Glad to hear it helped and nice work! Can I post this on the site, it helps people to see the success stories. I’ll strip your name of course, or feel free do so yourself if you still have access!

Shohn

Shohn,
Please feel free and post it on the site! For some reason and I’m sure that it’s a computer glitch on my end.. I am unable to log in and reply on your site. Once again… Thank You!!! Your site helped me in in a big way.
God Bless!
P.S. This was the absolute toughest thing that I’ve had to go through in my life! I would never want to experience it again. But through it all, I know that God has made me the type of husband that he wanted all along. I’m in absolute marvel at the power of Christ!!!!

Take Care and please feel free to email me at anytime.

(Removed for Privacy)

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Morning

I had a scary thought yesterday.  I’ve been trying to psyche myself up for a family weekend at my sons school, trying to figure out how to act, how not to act, what to expect from my wife, etc. I just remembered that my anniversary is the first week in november!  For this event, I am going to need some serious advice.  Should I let it go by, not say a word?  A note?  SHort and sweet, or longer and serious??

We have NOT been celebrating our anni for the last couple years.  I am sure it was because of the  negative path our union has been taking AS WELL as how difficult it is for my wife to give and recieve gifts.  You see, since we have been married, 20 years, each year it has been more and more a hassle to buy my wife gifts.  She has, SINCE WE BEEN MARRIED, NOT BEFORE, looked at gifts (except in rare, rare instances where she really needed something) as a waste of money.  We would buy gifts for our sons and immediate family, but I reluctantly agreed not to exchange gifts (I went back on my word and gave her stuff once and a while- man did she get ticked!)  You see, I LIKE TO GIVE GIFTS.  I told her father about this when we had a heart to heart about our marriage, HE AGREED WITH HER. He sees gifts as a waste of money too.  Money, money, money, its always about cash.  I know I suck with money, but I’m sorry, gifts are important.  I think.

There have been holidays that we have been angry at each other.  I would look at Christmas or birthdays as kind of a “time out” from hostilites, times to be civil to each other.  My wife looked that this attitude as ‘phoney”. So gift giving has slowly faded away. I feel bad, I think that I should have still given them, simply because I LIKED to give.  The few times she said it was ok to buy a certain gift, she became angry because what I bought was too expensive.  One time she wanted a digital camera.  I shopped around a bit (but not enough I guess)  I asked the clerk for a middle of the road, nice camera.  Not a piece of cr ap, not a Rolls Royce.  Spent about 450.  Boy did she hit the roof!  My arguement was that cameras were going, at that time, for over $1000.  The camera I bought was a high rated, middle of the road camera.  I had wanted a matress cushion for our bed, that was sacrified by my wife because I spent too much on the camera.  I got no mattress cushion. 

Well, how do I handle this anniversary?  Any suggestions?

PS: She woke up late for work this morning.  I asked if I could prepare her lunch for her.  She said OK.  First time she has agreed, because I ask her now and then, she always says no.  But she said ok this time.  I like that.  But the rest of the morning was the same cold, ignoring morning.  She left, said bye(as usual).  But no thank you, nothing.  In the old days I would have mentioned it, how it hurt me, she would have said simply “Get over it, stop being a sensitive Italian”  Nice, huh?  

I’m still trying to learn how to pray.  I asked Him to do his will, even if it meant us going our seperate ways. And as much as I hated saying it, I think I meant it.  I can’t see how He would want this union dissolved. But I REALLY do feel helpless at this point.  I really, really do need Him.  Once this is resolved, I NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER want to feel this way again.  I mean not EVER.  And things could STILL get worse…………. I try to keep positve, but its tough….  I guess I am just not a tough guy.    I keep thinking about that wonderful feeling shohn has when he finally connected with Him.  I would LOOOOOVE that right now.  Ciao.

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I guess I feel like writing today.  I don’t know why……..Yes I do….I am sooo lonely.  I want to talk with my wife so badly, but she sits upstairs, I sit downstairs.  Its been like this for 5 months now.  No better, but no worse (or so I think).  My brother in law came over today.  The same kid I helped raise from the age of 2.  The same guy who, on many occasions has told me how much I mean to him and how he’ll love me always.  First times I’ve seen him in these 5 months.  He needed my printer for a resume.  Did I get an offer to talk?  Yeah, OK.  Nothing.  It hurt, but my wife would say I’m just being a dramatic Guniea.  I don’t think so.  If we were close BEFORE my wife went on strike, we should be friends now.  But I say nothing.  I’m telling you-  I am sick of saying nothing.  But I’ve got no guts right now to say or do anything.  I am pretty much paralyzed with fear of making matters worse.  But I do have yet another question.

My wife and I are going up to New Hampshire this weekend for my son’s boarding school parent weekend.  Yep, boarding school.  Something my wife suggested and I backed her without ANY hesitation. Yep somehow this total loser (me) could swing $2 grand a week to send him for extra scholastic help he needs.  Yep the same business that my wife hates, never congratulates me on, can provide this for our son.  She says I agreed to send him there NOT because I am a good father and husband but simply because I know that SHE is a devoted  parent and I don’t give a rats butt about money!!! I just can’t win.

Well anyway.  New Hamphire.  During the leaf season.  In a nice country inn.  ANd you know I would love to inch a bit closer to my spouse.  But it ain’t happening. I don’t have the guts and she despises me.  How do I survive this one, guys.  I will concentrate on whats best for my son, asking questions and being attentive and not critical.  Other then that I will get along by sneaking peeks at my wife every now and then wondering how in Gods name can a woman be getting older everyday, yet becoming more and more stunning and desirable and the days click by.   I pray to God that I somehow make all the right moves and perhaps a little something positive happens (Perhaps a tiny smile directed at me, her calling me a pet name she has long since abandoned or even  perhaps a moment of weakness when she may hold my hand.  These I would put down as one of those miracles I’ve been asking God for.)  But to tell you the truth, I hope I don’t do something stupid and really blow it.  This I will pray to God for all week long.  Well, I am gonna hit the sack.  Night all.  If anyone’s got any suggestions on not screwing up, write.

Thanks.

Nick

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Hi

I am currently reading “love must be tough”  JUst started.  The author says that the whole problem with spouses who decide to hurt the other so badly is the simple–LACK OF RESPECT.   Boy do I believe him.  Respect is all encomposing.  If my wife doesn’t respect me, ALL of me is open to ridicule and non appreciation.  There are no “good” qualities and “bad qualities” in me.  THe WHOLE ME is found disgusting.  I believe that explains all the hurtful selfish behavior.  A lack of respect.

And it has been hard on me lately.  My business got a stellar review this weekend.  I know she read it.  Nothing.  Not congratulations, not good job, nothing.  Why?  Because it would show respect.  It would signify that yeah, my  husband does do somethings well.  I think that that thought would begin to crack the facade.  I think guilt would creep in, starting to shake her stubbornness. I think the only way a wife can be so cold towards her husband would HAVE to be to look at him as a TOTAL waste of oxygen.  Another example, she leaves to run errands and doesn’t say goodbye.  WHY?!!???!?!!!  Saying goodbye is showing respect.  It doesn’t mean she wants you NOW. It doesn’t me “hey, all is forgiven”  It is simply an act of respect.  It is saying “I am leaving and I think you are important enough to let you know that I am not in the house.  The more I think about it, the more steamed I get.  BUt I say nothing.  I hope that this book, as I read further, will fill me in.  

 But the scariest development is as follows.  I would like to know if anyone can figure it out.  This week my wife didn’t go to church.  I asked her and she said, “I don’t know if I’m going.”  This can only mean a  couple of things.  The first is that she has an inkling that I am depending more and more on God to help me through this, (she doesn’t know how misirably I am failing at getting God to help me)  .  Second, being involved with religion, going to church, will only keep reminding her just how awful she is acting.  I know that we all agree that the rejected spouse’s past behaviors are to blame, and that we must change in order to get our spouse back.  But I also believe that the behaviour of the cold spouse is also wrong.  I think my wife is beginning to feel angry at being told, by sermons and such that  she is not behaving as a christian wife should, so she may be distancing herself from the churches way.  Bad news for me.  REAL REAL bad news for me.  And in a way, I feel sorry for her and a bit guilty that something has come between her and her religion.   And maybe, she is behaving WORSE than I suspect (affair? but no real other signs).  But this development hit me hard. Real hard.  I mean it has been five months since things took this last pathetic turn between the two of us, and she is every bit as bad as the first week.  I know she is stobborn, but ……. Maybe she is angry because I am trying to make things better, but she has got to understand that I can’t just stand by and do nothing!  I am giving her space, never say boo to her, I don’t even hang around her when she is home.  I beginning to wonder if that is bad…….I don’t know, I am just so so frustrated with everything.  I beginning to hate her, hate me, hate waking up every morning sad, hate the way it is effecting my job, hate that I can’t seem to connect with God.  Just hate hate hate.  I guess one goes through peaks and valleys. 

Well thanks for letting me blow off steam.  I hope others are having better luck here.  I really do.  Any tips on getting through to GOD would be greatly appreciated.

Nick

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I’m asking myself that.  Well today was mess.  Business meeting went like hell. I wrote a check for my business using our personal checkbook.  I reinbursed her with the additional amount tacked on to my paycheck. My wife proceeded to rag that the expense would not be able to be logged as an expense.  Well, she was right.  Again.  ANd I know she logged that in her book as another reason that I am below contempt.  Well, after I hung up i drove around, about as frustrated as I have been in weeks and the waterfall started.  I have always worn my  emotionality like a badge of honor, but let me tell you it is beginning to get on my nerves.  I cry more than Joe Torre.

Well I pulled into a catholic church, which I found open, and got down on my knees in the empty church and wept.  I mean I balled my brains out.  I asked and I asked for His help.  I really think He was embarrassed for me.  I am beginning to get on my own nerves, I must be driving Him crazy!  Like always I told him that the chances are that he wants this marriage to succeed, to repair it alone is out of my league and , like shohn says, I handing over the keys to him.   NOthing.  No lightning, clouds parting, statues coming to life.  Not even a tickle in my throat.  This plea for help has been said in the past, always with a tinge of doubt (which I don’t think is a good thing, is it?) but this time I felt utterly defeated and overwhelmed. But “the feeling” that is supposed to be there wasn’t.  I picked up a leaflet on the church bulliten board about a “stephen ministry”.  I guess its an organization that provides an ear to hurting people, no matter what the problem may be.  Well, I called and I am sure that I proceeded to scare the woman whos answering machine picked up my call.   Still crying like a wuss, I asked for help.   That was yesterday.  Still no call.  I can’t say as I blame em.  People are terrified of other peoples problems, other  peoples tears.  Thats why these sites are so popular.  Its hard to see emotions on a computer screen.  I think its a much safer enviornment.

Well, I wasn’t working  last night so I went home for a “lovely” dinner, for little talk, “happy” talk.  When I walked in, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.  I knew something was going on between my wife and our 14 year old son.  In private I asked my kid what was going on.  After some prodding my little boy said that he had talked with his mom, expressing how bad he felt about what was going on between my wife and I.  I hugged him and apoligized for everything, starting to…………..you guessed it……started to squeeze em out again!  Not as bad, but I hate crying in front of my sons.  He said that I had nothing to be sorry about (I DO) and that all the anger, all the stubbornness and all the bad feelings in the house are my wifes fault.  While I know my wife IS IN FACT the catalyst for all the hurt going on right now, I know I created this over the last years.  But none the less, I was glad that my son realizes that at least I am trying.  BUt, my wife never approached me to talk, nothing!!  Now guys, I know we are to take ALL the blame, all the shame (while at the same time, try to remain proud, stand tall and be desirable………I am still typing here trying to figure out just how the hell is that possible) but,  I’m sorry….When a mom takes her own feelings before those of her own son, she lets her hate and frustration bump her sons feelings out of line…..well, that makes her one ugly (rhymes with rich). And at the same time, knowing how utterly devoted my wife is to the kids, that little incident simply illustrates how crazy hurt she is.  I makes me afraid that the hate for me is huge.  I makes me realize, once again, that I need Gods help.

In other stories,  I called my wife’s best friend’s husband.  I told him that I have this feeling that  when he screws up in his marriage, it effects me, and vice versa.  You see, our wives depend on each other to rag about us.  I think that my wife’s friend feels comforted by the fact that our hideous marriage coincides with HER hidous marriage.  I hate her for that, but I understand, I guess.  Everytime her nauseating husband  screws around on her or messes something up, she reports to my wife BOOM!! the “I hate my husband” session will now come to order!  Well I told her husband that if there is anything I could do, anything to help him if he needs something in his marriage, call me.  ANYTHING.  I figure, the better his marriage is, the better mine is.  He sounded a bit annoyed I think, but he told me that he has doubts the marriage will last the year!!  That is baaaaad news for me. I really bummed me out.  That means his wife will be on the phone, using Theresa (my wife) as a sounding board.  Whether she is describing all the hardships associated with separation (look at how much my life has been destroyed by a HUSBAND!) or the intense pleasure she is getting from leaving her husband (Oh, if feels so good to be rid or him, sooo many cute guys around now, or I am free to do as I please……uhm, you want to try? wanna be roomies?)  It doesn’t bode well for me.  How would you guys handle the situation?

Lastly, I have recieved and beginning to read the following:

love must be tough.    Dr. Dobson

stop your divorce      Homer McDonald

Man of her dreams, woman of his     joel and kathy davisson

for men only  shauni and jeff feldhahn  (recomended by shohn)

any thoughts or ideas on these books?  I have skimmed through Homer McDonald’s ebook.  Man some of his stuff is out there, and scary.  I’ll read it but I am thinking it will add to my confusion, not lessen it.  Well thanks for reading, I hope everyones day has at least a bit of sunshine in it.

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Hi shohn

I am really sorry, but this site has got me stumped.  I try to read responses and I get a page that looks like……I don’t know.  But I can’t read responses.  I try and post, but I can’t post without signing in and then hitting “write a post”  There has got to be an easier way.  When I first got here, I would go to forum, read a post and then the responses.  Its not that way now.  Please help,  how do I:

1. simply post.

2. Read responses to mine and others posts.

3.  I got a feeling that I won’t be able to read your reply so you may want to email me.

I have been trying for 3 days to figure this site out, but I guess its too complicated for me. Please get back to me, I appreciate it!!

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Just about EVERYONE I’ve confided in, explained my past, how much my wifes actions and indifferences have hurt me now, my plan of action to win her back……always gets met with the same response.  Get a divorce.  Why is she doing this to you, you don’t deserve it, why be unhappy, NOONE should suffer like this.. etc etc etc.  When I tell them that marriage is forever, good or bad, they DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  These are basically good people, people better than me. Some are even church going.  I definately feel all alone here.  Even worse, I just picture some sharp guy telling my wife how much she deserves to be happy, to be babied, to be listen too……… yeah ok. 

But anyways, no one, and I mean noone understands. 

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Hello everyone

I’ve got a question.  My mom told me that she had a conversation with my spouses mom.  She said all the things I know a loving mother would say when she sees her son or daughter going through what so many of us are going through when our spouses close up and give up.  She voiced her concern over my health, my hapiness, etc.

At first I was happy with this.  I figured that many my mom in law could run interference for me.  But then I got to thinking.  My wife is INCREDIBLY stubborn.  When she thinks she is right, or when she doesn’t give a s*it about someone or something,  she will fight and resist forever.  So,  in my mind, I saw her holding it against ME that she was being pestered into being a “wife” again.  After a while I realized that this could hurt me in the long run AND possible cause a bit of a rift between my mom in law and my spouse.  The relationship between my wife and my mom has disintegrated and I really didn’t want to be responsible for another relationhip to hit a snag because of me.

Soooo… I called my mom in law.  I explained, briefly but emotionly (can’t help it, I am a big time emotional person.)  that I wished that she would NOT talk to T.  I also told her that I love and respect my inlaws and if I had said anything mean about them, it was out of frustration and panic.  Thoughout the 27 years I have known them, there were times that I didn’t appreciate them.  There were good and bad times,but in the long run, I believe I have,or HAD a good relationship with them.  I consider them family and would like to keep it that way.

Well, I guess that even though my mom in law may not have sat my wife down and read her a riot act, I think she at least mentioned our conversation to my wife.  Well, I own a restaurant and I called my home to ask my wife if my mother in law (who was babysitting) would like to bring food home to her husband.  This is not something I just started doing, it has ALWAYS been this way.  Well Theresa started laughing (not in a comforting way, but a sarcastic way) and said somehting along the lines “why, do you want to have a talk with her, a heart to heart?” (something along those lines)  Well, I got pretty ticked off.  I finished my phone conversation with her and hung up.  When I got home, I pretty much kept my mouth shut and ignored her.  I didn’t want to say anything in anger so I decided to just sleep on it.

My question is, do these “silent” spells, when you are angry, hurt or help?  I know ideally you should always be upbeat and positive, but, for me, at times, it is tough.  I figure saying nothing is better than saying something I will regret.  My wife could care less if I talk to her or not.  So how can I handle this type of situation better in the future?  Thanks for any hints.

PS:  This idea of becoming the man you were when you first dated makes a whole lot of sense,,,,, except for one thing.  When  you first dated, your future spouse  would REINFORCE good behaviors.  Now, these behaviors are met with indifference.  It is way tougher the second time around.  Its tough to be proud, but not cocky.  Repentant but not a crumbled heap, etc , etc.

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Hi

Allright. I’ve read just about everypost (minus the disussions, starting those now)  I’ve ordered 4 books (led by love must be tough- by dobson), I have given my wife space.  Our relationship is…….is……… I guess our relationship is ALWAYS WORSE THAN I THINK.  She tolerates me, nothing more.  She hasn’t moved out (mainly because she is a practicing catholic) What do I do now?

Shohn keeps writing that I should start “dating” her again.  Shoot, I think that she would shoot me down big time.  I may be wrong, but I can’t take even more rejection right now.  But I guess I need assurance that I am not just sitting back wasting time.  I let snide remarks go by.  I avoid confrontation.  I try to do little things, nice things in order to try and make her life a bit easier. (though she refuses some of my attempts.  She is refusing them in order to hurt me.  She knows I am trying now and she won’t make it easy.)  But, for now, I will continue trying, being patient.

What am I missing, what am I not doing, thinking, saying etc, etc?

One thing I am seeing for the first time in my life is how belief in God can provide some much needed solace. I drove up to see my son in New Hampshire yesterday, stopped in a catholic church to catch a mass and listened to a radio program.  It may be a coincidence but both the homily and the radio program dealt with Corinthians passage on love (hope, faith and love are the greatest, but love is the greatest of all.  I love that.  I needed that.

Any  suggestions will be much appreciated.

Nick

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