This story was actually told to me recently by a guy that has been at it for several months now trying to rescue his marriage. He granted me permission to tell it here as he is not quite comfortable telling the story himself.
To begin we’ll need a little background and please understand I’ve had to weave in a couple of parts because I’m not on the front lines. There is his truth, her truth, and somewhere in the middle is the actual truth.
So far his story seems to have many of the classic parts to this old story. That is, one partner is hell bent on a divorce (his wife), after years of getting treated poorly, affairs early on in the marriage by the partner now wanting to stay (him), etc. The thing is, almost this whole time in their marriage, his wife has had other “guy” friends. As best I can tell, these aren’t affair material at least in the sexual sense, but at the same time I can certainly appreciate how that could drive a man bonkers. She had this one friend in particular, who was married, that she would continually try to get her husband to hang out with and stuff. Dinner parties. that sort of thing, but then it turned into some sort of weird 3rd wheel relationship with this other married couple that she knew from a former life.
So I try to think back early on in the marriage what would it have been like. This guy claims to have cheated on her 3 times early on. Ooops. Well, she forgave him I guess, but then it seems that she started turning her emotional attention to other men, but would play it as “we’re just friends”. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve known girls who are like this. These type of women just don’t get along with other women and tend to associate with guys. Some people call these tom boys. The more I’ve learned about his story, the more I think that this is what is going on, but it still angers me to even hear about what she is doing. I can feel the jealousy in myself when he tells his side of the story. Yet, I think I can understand how she got there.You see, what we forget, is that the beast that your spouse has turned into, was actually created by you, though you never realized it. How could you, you just weren’t equipped with the knowledge.
Sure sure, you spouse makes his or her own decisions, etc., but what happened was little by little you quit acting like you did when you first met this person and little by little they started to grow resentment and disconnected from you. Little by little your strengths became weaknesses and your weaknesses became more pronounced. Now this is tougher for women in many cases, because at times they’ll just sit there and be quiet about it, passively, taking the emotional hits that are perceived.
Suddenly that spark of love became a flame of a different nature. It is an old story.
Many guys often complain about the seemingly continual decrease in their wife’s desire to participate in nocturnal activities. Part of that is just natural I suppose, but part of it is a reaction. It is their way of saying - I don’t FEEL loved. Many times I don’t think it is even a decision on their part. When they don’t feel loved, that part of them tends to just shut down. Now with women, this can be complex. Every single utterance out of their hubbies mouth is being scrutinized at times, for one simple thing: consideration of her. Self-sacrafice, that sort of thing. Little foxes get into the vineyard and start eating away at the fruit.
Her: Do I look fat in this dress. Him: Slight hesitation.. trick question trick question… of course not dear. Her: Are you sure? Him: Well, you could lose a little in the thighs maybe. Her: He doesn’t love me.
Where does this come from? I don’t know. Guys do the same thing when we get turned down for a roll in the hay.
Him: So….. can we have a little fun? Her: Not tonight, I don’t have time because I need to brush my teeth. Him: Well you made time to call your girlfriend, but you can’t take 5 minutes out for me. Her: 5 Minutes? Sheesh. He treats me like a piece of meat… an object… all I am to him is a place to masturbate when he gets his urges. Him: Well, if you’re not going to, do I need to find someone that will? Her: See, he doesn’t love me. Him: Why does she not love me?
Now the funny thing is, the whole time, the guy actually does love her, but if he is anything like many guys, is unable to communicate that in a manner that she understands. The best I can describe it is in the expression: “Do you feel me?” That means, not the words, but the emotions behind the words.
Now back to our story. So he cheated a couple of times eh? I wonder how that happened. I imagine it had something to do with the extreme conclusion of the above exchange. No doubt, she got hurt by this. BAD. But she relented and still stood by him. Then she just wants someone to listen to her, that will try to connect with her. The trouble is, that is pretty much any guy, whose motivation is to get into her shorts. She feels wanted… connected… and it can lead to a very dangerous path for the marriage. So since her husband is always working or not around and when he is around has generally been a pain and a source of more hurt, she reaches out to others. She engaged in her tom boyishness and slowly the tied has turned. Now he no longer trusts her. Perhaps that is the guilt of what he has done in the past. Perhaps he doesn’t realize what he has created. He started becoming jealous. Rightfully so I suppose, let bygones be bygone; however, this jealousy started tearing him up inside. Why won’t she give me the same attention. And so, the downward spiral began. One day, he snapped and couldn’t take his wife hanging out with another married man anymore and he asked for a divorce. That wasn’t what he wanted though. He just wanted to be loved by her. She called his bluff and saw an opportunity to get out scott free. After all, he was the ONE who asked for the divorce. The opening stages of the paper work were filed, but not much has happened on them since.
He realizes something. My God My God, what have I done. I don’t want a divorce. Is it too late? He finds this awesome one stop shop and tries to do what he can.
He has spent the last several months trying to reconnect with her. He’s trying to correct that mistake, all of those mistakes. She has continued to gain more guy friends. On the Internet, other married men, all of them seemingly “platonic” if such a word is true. Despite these clear violations of marital etiquette, she has allowed him into her bed, and says that she likes the man he is becoming. She wants to move back closer to home for her and wants him to pay for it. He grants her request. When she is moved, she tells him that she wants him to come to her at her new home.
There is a slight problem though. The reason they are here now is because of these guy friends. This is what drove him to jealousy and to become a big meanie from her perspective. He is struggling with this inside somewhere. How can I TRUST her? Has she ever cheated on him before? No. Though what she’s doing isn’t exactly normal, is there any reason to conclude that she is cheating now? No. Yet there is still something inside bugging him. Can’t say that I blame him, I would have probably been put in a mental institution by now if my wife was doing that, but then, I haven’t heard her side of the truth.
He tells me all of this, and I get angry at her. I feel my blood boiling. Reliving times past when my wife and I went through this. Simmer down simmer down. Then I ask him more.
You see, there are still little signs of light. She asks: Are you coming home this weekend? I want you to sleep in my bed with me.
He asks: Can I have a kiss? Can we stop this divorce?
She answers: No and no.
That kiss represents something to her. It is giving her heart back to him, but after being hurt so many times, she doesn’t want to fall for it again unless it is real this time. So she waits on her emotions to return. She doesn’t want to give that kiss unless it is real for her.
Then it happens. Out of the blue. They are at a wal-mart parking lot. She asks him… are you going to come inside? He responds.. after I park the car. She goes around to the other side of the car. She gives him that kiss. It took her 6 months just to be able to trust him with that kiss.
The next day they are at Sonic. He asks about stopping the divorce again. She is annoyed. I’ve told you we are still getting the divorce. The jealousy of her “guy friends” has eaten at him again. He knows not do this, but asks anyway. The answer is unsatisfactory, he loses his temper, and throws the vehicle into reverse. One extra long chili cheese coney that was sitting on the dash is now flung onto her lap and hits some of her paperwork (not the divorce papers). She is angry to put it mildly. What would his mother do if she saw this? What would his friends do? Thank goodness he didn’t laugh.
6 months of work down the tubes or is it? Now is a time to be a man about it. Yes, I got angry. I feel like I’m being strung along and I care so much about you that it is eating me alive so I made a mistake. Do you understand how I could have gotten there? It was a mistake though, and I’m sorry. I need to be alone for a few days to think things over. This is the part where he needs to “let go”. He is almost there. He has given up on our Father. I think maybe this whole thing was just a trial to turn him into a better man. Will he survive? Tough to call, because I’m not sure whether he will let go or not.
These things go in cycles. You will make progress, then the emotions will get the best of you and the next thing you know you will do something stupid like taking her kiss, stomping it into the ground, and then smearing chili cheese all over it.
Set her expectations that you will make mistakes, but also don’t just give her lip service when you say you are going to do something.
You say that you are working on being a better man? How can this be true if you still can’t accept that I want a divorce and react by burning out at a Sonic? Proof is in the pudding. Think of it this way… what if she said she was going to try to make more of an effort in the nocturnal activities, and the net result was once only in blue moon still. Would you believe her? Same thing goes for your anger outbursts, and your attempts to quit focusing as much on the physical aspects of the relationship. How is she to believe that you are working on that part, if you still ask her every time you see her for a kiss? She will give that to you when her heart is ready and not until then. You were so close. You got the kiss. You proved it could be done. Ready to give up or shall you try again and get better ammunition this time?
Ask yourself…. how can I stop myself from asking her about the divorce? A disturbing mental image should do. Picture her sharing a chili cheese coney with one of the band members from KISS (ewww) and maybe that will stop those pesky flight or fight instincts from taking over next time. What was it that I did right for her to finally give me that kiss? Who am I kidding. I messed up big this time.
Heck I don’t Yahweh - Dad - somewhere up there in the clouds, I gave up on you. That was wrong of me. I can’t do this any more. You win. Will you take over please.?I’ve been a bad boy, but I am now repenting. I want to come home. You were right. Will you hear my prayers now? We sometimes sounds like the teenager who finally figures out that his parents’ aren’t so stupid after all.
I hope I got some parts of the story right, I’m sure he’ll email me to let me know if not.
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