Glass Gloves

I am please to report that after almost a year of a struggling marriage Jeff Lyon and his wife have pulled through and are better than ever. He granted me permission to post this for all to see! Thanks Jeff for sharing!

Below is his response to my request for prayers for my wife’s folks. Ironically, my wife’s folks prayed for his marriage some 9 or 10 months ago.

Shohn,

I’m happy to report that my wife Wendy and I have gotten back together and are harrier than ever.  I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you and your website for providing hope and encouragement throughout this ordeal.  It took her almost a year to come back around but after much soul searching of my self and trying to break the bad habits that I had picked up along the way she finally found something that attracted her again.

Dude, we (men) can make a difference, not only for ourselves but for our families.  Compassionate, understanding and good listener doesn’t mean that we are a “weak male”.  It should be something that we take pride in. Not something that we hope our buddies don’t catch us doing.

I just thought that you need to know how much I appreciate the “glassgloves” website and what it did for me, which was to give me hope when I thought there was none and that I was the only one that had ever gone through something like this. 

I will pray for your wife’s parents and for more miracles like ours.  Please don’t ever stop sending me these emails.

Yours in Him,

Jeff

Popularity: 9%

Share This (No hits)

My inlaws are now having marital problems in a big way. One of them has even moved out for the time being. I beseech you to send up prayers for the both of them as I fear their hearts have become hardened on both sides. If you’ve got prayers groups please take a moment and forward this through your own prayer networks and in your respective families. Even a marriage I thought was invincible at one time has now become subject to the enemy. I really don’t know what else to say other than reborn Christians have one of the higher divorce rates. I hope they don’t become another statistic so please please say some prayers. I’d appreciate any feedback from folks out there praying.

Popularity: 17%

Share This (No hits)

I had something rather interesting happen to me today that I found slightly amusing. So there I was outside the office having a nice little smoke break. Yeah, I know, I’ve quite about 100 times. Anyway, this guy makes a b-line for me, his clothes are bit disheveled, clearly his purpose is to extract either some change or a smoke from me. I used to work in downtown where many a supposed homeless man prospered from my bleeding heart. So I recognize it right away.

It is just another pattern I guess.

Let’s see what he wants. Is it money, tell me a great story about how needs only a dollar more for a bus ticket, how he is no longer on drugs, or he needs a dollar to go see his son, the list goes on. Now make no mistake, some of those guys have very real stories, but I’ve found that a number of them just make stuff up. Yeah, I give em money anyway - shame on me for supporting their lifestyle, but I figure there has to be one in a hundred who actually needs the money, had a real story, and many of them are mentally ill. I’ve seen some that swat at stuff that isn’t there before.
Some of the more inventive homeless folk in Houston are now asking for money to supply such high ambitions as a college fund for their kids and even just honest - Need money for Beer! I really feel sorry for them though. Imagine being caught up in something like that and not having the will and sometimes the ability to break out of the cycle. What went wrong? I have to admit though, that sometimes I envy these folks a bit. The only thing they really have to worry about is where to sleep and where their next meal comes from.
Well anyway here goes the rest of the story:

Disheveled clothes man: Hey man can I have a cigarette?

Smoke break guy: I guess so.

Disheveled clothes man: How about two, I’ve got a quarter.

Smoke break guy thinks to himself, okay, you don’t have to buy them if I’m giving them to you, but maybe this is some kind of pride thing.

Smoke break guy: Well, you keep that, here’s a couple of smokes.

Disheveled clothes man: Thanks!

Disheveled clothes man: God bless Vietnam vets man, that’s why they’re not fat like you.

Smoke break guy: Puzzled look.

Disheveled clothes man: Realizes what he just said. Big koolaid smile. Slight stutter for split second.
Disheveled clothes man: Continues to smile, But, that’s healthy, take care.

Disheveled clothes man makes haste!

Smoke break guy thinking to himself: You seem a tad bit young to have been in the war man. Very clever though, you never said you were in the war.
Smoke break guy: Bursts out into laughter.

That guy just made my day! To make matters even funnier though, a slim fit woman comes jogging by with her athletic gear on immediately after this whole incident. This is Texas - it is HOT outside right now. I can only imagine how much tougher than me she is to be running in 105 degree heat! If I said the wrong thing, I imagine this girl would clean the pavement with my rear end.
I look up at the sky and say to our Father - so what? You’re saying I’m fat too?

I promptly relayed this story to my wife, but she didn’t seem to appreciate the inherent humor in it. She also says I’m not fat, but I think she’s looking at me through a different set of goggles than the person who just paid me a wonderful compliment and got two of my smokes for free!
Perspective baby.
Still though, there is a deeper lesson here, and that is the one of the downward spiral not unlike what our homeless friend had been experiencing for some time. The same pattern can apply in marital disputes. What happens is the two of you, though you are supposed to act like one, became selfish somehow. It happens. I do it all the time and just keep working towards perfection, but I’m a long way away. He did this, she did this, he did this, from an outsider it looks like two little kids fighting. One of the kids needs to have a maturity growth moment to pull the other one out of the argument, or you could always just have mom and dad stop the fight. Some folks do this for 20-30 years and still never figure it out. Never make it to stage 3 in the marriage that is.
That makes me wonder though. When my children decide they want to argue over something, I’ve found that one of the most effective cures is to have them both sit down and face each other. Eventually, one will smile, and the fight is over about 10 seconds later. I wonder if this could somehow work in a marital argument? I know I mentioned the joke tactic before, but there is just something really powerful about a smile, or staying mad at someone who is being nice to you. It is hard to do, eventually the desire to stay angry can’t stay as long as there is a smile in the way. A smirk on the other hand…. get ready for WWIII. People are so funny!

Popularity: 56%

Share This (No hits)

Okay, here is another site I found. I honestly don’t know whether this one is effective or not. I didn’t use it in my marriage rescue operation, but perhaps it will help someone else. If anybody has tried this, I’d be curious as to whether it helps or not ->

http://www.marriagemax.com/ (157 hits)

I guess I should put up some kind of voting tool to rate the effectiveness of various resources that are out there.

Popularity: 19%

Share This (No hits)

Somewhere on this site, I posted an article stating that one of the things that makes my wife get ummm…. frisky, is well just plain old fun. Yeah, I know, I know too much information, but I really believe that many times that part of the marriage is a symptom of how the other parts of the relationship are doing. This may not apply to everyone, but hey, it does to mostly everyone I know so go figure.

When I mean fun, I mean good clean fun, date nights, etc. That kind of stuff. Well this guy seems to have made a science out of it ->

http://www.playfulrelationships.com/CreatePlayfulRelationship.html (114 hits)

and claims to have the experience to boot. I’ve never tried his program, but if he comes to town I think we may check it out.

That reminds me of another concept though. It has to do with arguing. Arguments are so fun. Both parties usually have their blinders on and can’t REALLY see the other person’s point of view, much less ACKNOWLEDGE their flaws and weaknesses, until……………….. someone cracks a joke.

Yeah I know, it sounds stupid, but it seems to work.  You still need to play nicely with this during an argument with a spouse who is trying to bail, that is, don’t over do it. Each argument, I’d give it probably two or three shots at humor, any more than that you have officially become about as funny as a heart attack.

The first shot at it, your spouse will sit there angrily…. trying to hold on to their anger. I’ve got a right to be angry darn it. I’m going to stay angry. Then you deliver that joke and bam, you just loosened them up a bit.

All kinds of crazy brain chemicals or endorphines or whatever they are called are released. Happy brain chemicals start to bathe those oh so angry brain cells in their happiness, and then all of a sudden one of the angry brain cells becomes happy. Next thing you know, all the several angry cells have a bunch of revolting happy cells.

Then just for an instant you see your spouse crack a smile It is usually very faint. It’s kind of looks like ol’ GWB when he’s being serious. You know he’s being serious, but the guy looks like he has a faint smirk on all the time. If you’ve seen the pres of the US on TV, you should now have a visual of what I’m talking about.
Then the angry cells realize what is going on and squelch this little rebellion of the happy cells. Now is a good time for you to say…. “I saw a smile!”… then back off, don’t overdo it. Now your spouse is contemplating what to do about this……Back off Back off or you’re going to ruin it. If you did it right, they’ll smile just a bit more and try to be all bashful about it. Awwwww.. how cute, they’re trying to stay angry. Don’t say that though, otherwise you’ll get a nice punch to the groin or a frying pan upside your head. Really you shouldn’t be thinking that, but you know you were for a split second.
Now you do something completely off the wall….. you say, “look, I don’t want to argue with you, I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, but I really do love you. I tell you what. I’m going to take some time to think about what you have to say. Is that okay with you?”. Your spouse is still angry, but for just a split second they weren’t. Leave it at that and see if you can’t turn that split second into something bigger once you really and truly try to see things from their point of view over a day or so.

Congratulations, you’ve just left the argument on somewhat of a good tone, not the best but better than what it would have been, and now you can go do some more soul searching. Consider carefully, what your spouse had to say.

Popularity: 32%

Share This (No hits)