Glass Gloves

Here’s my story…I’m asking for serious help…so be brutally honest.

On 2/22/07, my wife of 9-years and best friend of 16-years informed me that she was unhappy. We have been together since we were 18-years old and have two children (5 and 2). Needless to say, I was blind-sided. She told me that I work too much (I agree) and that I was too controlling. Immediately I cutt back my hours on the job and began spending time with her and the kids. Before the admission, our schedules were furious. I worked 60-70 hours a week M-Sat, and she worked two 16-hour days M and F. This schedule was devised so the boys would not be in day care 5-days a week and I thought things were working out. I did see that she looked exhausted, but I did not realize the amount of stress she was feeling. Her childhood was filled with a lot of trauma, her mother had been divorced four times (recently past away from a drup overdose) and she constantly saw nothing but conflict from those marriages. This childhood formed her personality that is non-confrontational, so she could never tell me what she really thought. My childhood was just like my current status. I rarely saw my father on weekdays because he worked so much, therefore, this is how I was taught to raise a family. Hard work = good family man. My parents never fought/argued and until there divorce (my father was unfaithful), I never saw the down-side to this lifestyle. After all, I finally found a way to get his attention. I went to work for him when I was 13 and have never left (now I’m 34). I have followed his life exactly. Even went to the same university.
After the admission from her of unhappiness, I began to do “backflips”, cutting my hours, showing her a large amount of affection and spending time with the boys. We found a counselor and attended one session and made appointments for two more. Things were not getting any better and seemed to spiralling out of control. So before things got worse, I offered to stay with a friend “while cooler heads prevail”. I did this for 4-nights. Still things were not improving. So I started investigating and I found her cell phone bill…an affair!

I confronted her on 3/8/07 and she admitted that she had been seeing a co-worker since late October. Devastated, I found a lawyer and filed for divorce. She retaliated and also filed. Today is 2-weeks and things are looking bleak. This divorce is something I do NOT want and I have now decided to fight to save my family and marriage. She says that divorce is the only option. I know that the OM is married and is probably playing her like a fiddle. She claims that she has not seen the OM in a couple of weeks, but I know she is still talking to him (and probably seeing him at work).

I went to the counselor a couple of nights ago and she suggested that I back off from her and give her space. I believe, and my wife agrees, that she needs time to sort things out in her head, but she is not deviating from the divorce. So Tuesday, I worked up a way for her financially to get out…I would give X$ and she could move out and began anew. She has not accepted that offer, yet. Although this scares me, I believe she need to be on her own. Currently we are sharing the house so the boys sleep in there own beds, I stay with my friend some nights and she stays at her aunts some nights. Things are still very fresh and I’m not sure about her moving out will help or hurt. I also told the counselor that I feel that I’m pursuing the divorce to “wake her up”. But she says that tactic will back-fire.
I have decided to confront the OM and tell him to back off. But after that, I not sure what to do. I plan on taking off work today and spending time with the boys. I think time with the boys is a win-win. I’m an analytical person, chemist by trade, so a plan is what I need. I need help devising this plan so any and all help will be greatly appreciated. Pray for me and my family! I’m going to dig my foxhole now and prepare for battle.

Thanks

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They say that if you’re going fishing not to take only one Baptist because by themselves they’ll drink all your beer, buf if you bring two they won’t touch your beer. Well, I’ve never verified this joke because I’m not the fishing type of guy. I never had the patience for it. Let me get this straight - you go out sit outside - throw a lure into a pond and wait for a fish to bite and that is somehow fun? Who has the time for such things? What is the value?

You see - I’ve been trying to find something that my eldest and I can do together. She is a bit of a wascally wabbit - resistant to authority - needs lots of attention, etc.  Not quite unlike me in this regard. Now a days we call this ADHD or something like that. It used to be called being a kid - or just strong willed. Now we just drug the kids up and hope for the best - we hope that somehow the new drugs are better than the Ridalin (spelling?) that we used to give to kiddos like this.  I tried something a bit unorthodox by today’s standards perhaps. I took her fishing. I didn’t think I’d enjoy it, but hey I never thought I’d like cole slaw either and that seems to have changed recently. I absolutely love the stuff now so maybe I could give fishing a try. Besides, if she enjoys it then I enjoy it.
We have a place out in the country. Lots of land - a couple of ponds even. All for the bargain price of about 150k. Texas is so swell.

I’ve had people fish on our pond and told me that there were no fish in the pond. Well, imagine this, I set out to prove them wrong.

My daugther and I went out to my little pond equipped with a couple of $10 rod and reels, my tacklebox I had as a boy but never really used (remember I was a geek kid - geeks don’t fish), and a big bucket to hold any of the fish I was sure we were going to catch. Now just because I’m a geek by nature, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to do these things - I was raised in sort a weird ecclectic blend of both city and country - farm and high tech. What’s a geek being raised on a used car lot and his grandfather’s farm to do - well learn a bunch of skills he never thought would be all that useful, but now realize the value about 20 years later as I’m sitting here fishing with my daughter.

It was a beautiful scene. Far away from the fast-paced IT environment that I’m used to. Everything was slow. I watched the clouds interact with the sun, the little bitty insects, and the occasional stirring of the wind. Peaceful - serene - calm - words are useless here.
We fished for about an hour. No such luck. Perhaps this pond doesn’t have any fish. What about Perch though. There has to be at least one Perch. Birds come by and drop off perch eggs in ponds all across Texas I am told.

As I’m sitting here I start pondering how our universe may have unfolded and why it is so difficult for many to imagine or even accept that “Poof - God did it”.  Faith like a child. I wondered if the fish ever wondered where they came from. If they possesed the ability to think up such questions would they believe that the pond was the universe? I think our soley scientific friends may be in that boat. They discuss other dimensions, etc.; however, the thought that a spiritual world exists outside of what can be traditionally measured or tested is beyond them. They are like the fish in a pond or a fish bowl. It is difficult to even begin to explain what I’m talking about because I’m almost immediately called “narrow-minded” - irony at its best.

I think more about this though - what could I do to prove to them that Yahweh exists. It needs to be something that they could test and verify since they reject the notion that Yahweh is self-evident in his word. In His scriptures, Yahweh encourages us to test him in one way that I’m aware of. It is in the area of first fruits. Give unto him your first fruits as sacrafice and he’ll bless you. I read it some more and as far as I can tell it is more about literally fruit i.e., agrictulture production instead of money, but since noone  really owns family farms anymore well…. I guess money may be close to fruit. Perhaps instead it means giving the first of your groceries to those in need -after all, it is not like you really needed those fudge striped cookies anyway. I’m thinking of an experiment here. I’m going to try my hand at farming and then literally give my first fruits to his work - then I’m going to go into the city and load up some homeless people with nothing to lose and let them pick from the remainder of the harvest. What a beautiful and poetic law. They still have to work for food by gathering the harvest, but I’m not being a money grubbing whore either. Win win situation. I am currently implementing this plan - we’ll see how it goes.

I am told that fish inside a fish bowl only see themselves. This may be like us when we are not reborn with Yahweh’s spirit. I continue to ponder the secrets of the universe…. Daddy I caught a fish!

It was a little bitty fish. Too small for dinner. We had to set this one free. I instructed my daughter on washing her hands in the pond - and then we very carefully released it back into its universe. It had never known that there was an entire world outside of the one that it lived in.

We continued fishing and started thinking more about Yeshua’s call for us to be fishers of men. We are called to make ripples in the pond of this world. What poetry. My thoughts recentered on the aforementioned homeless project. Yes this is a good project, but what about the legal ramifications. What if one of these guys gets hurt somehow and sues my pants off. Gee whiz - I can’t even feed some homeless guys without worry of losing everything I’ve worked for.  I say to myself - TRUST. TRUST him. Internal turmoil - battling over trying to do something good vs. the risk. Don’t throw pearls before swine - give to anyone who asks. Hmmmm - if you give a man some fish - you feed him for a day. If you teach him how to fish - you feed him for a lifetime. Perhaps I’ll cook up some volunteer non-sue me document  to cover my arse here. Trust. Maybe I could make a non-profit organization and assign my property to it - that should cover my family from a legal perspective. Gosh what a pretty view of the sun. I’m told that if I spend more time with my daughters - they are less likely to wind up with teenage pregnacy - or get killed driving drunk. Perhaps slowing down is a good thing if you think about it right.
I got a bite! I got a bite! Come and see!

It was the same fish! I set out to prove everyone wrong and it looks like I was wrong and they were wrong too. I think there was only one fish in that pond and I think they were using the plural form of fish! How funny!

Apparently, there is only one fish in the sea for me.

Here’s the obligatory punch line!

Patience with restoring your marriage, but perhaps you should try a different lure if the one you are using isn’t working. One lure if you happen to have kids is spending more time with the kids, but don’t just check the box - you need to enjoy it just like I cole slaw!

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Okay folks - you may have been wondering why in the world I haven’t been writing as much. Well - I’ve started a new job and have been as busy as a one armed wallpaper hanger with the crabs. That said several several several people have been emailing behind the scenes and I’ve done my best to address their concerns; however, I really hope this forum thing starts to take off. We need to get the truth about saving marriages out there. It is tough work going through this experience. Many have said that it is worse than going through a death experience because with death there is at least closure. Think about looking back on this when you are a withered up old man and will you wonder what would have happened had you zigged instead of zagged with your marriage and your family. I couldn’t bear that thought so I pretty much risked the farm for my wife, but people also tell me I’m crazy so go figure. Anyway - my wife has asked that I stop devoting as much attention to saving the world - other people’s marriages, etc. and focus more on our family. That means I’ve been back sliding a bit - thus the lack of posts.  Plus my brain has been pretty much emptied of almost everything I think I learned. So I’m trying to get people to post to the forum so I can focus more on my family, but there is a problem. People are afraid of it. Perhaps Iit has been oversold or built up too much like a bad joke or an Internet scam. Well that’s not going to stop my persistence.
I thought I would post a message (below - italics) that I wrote to someone not too long ago. I thought I would post this because people need to know that I’m but one man and my wife wants me to spend more time with the family. We need to distribute the marriage saving effort otherwise I may wind up right back where I started - signing divorce papers. As spiritual as the experience was - I can’t say that I want to relive that. So I decided to put some more fodder towards the forum in the hopes that posting a message may jump start it. Then it will become self-sustaining I hope.
I took out the poor soul’s name to protect his privacy, but another reason I posted it is that invariably what I’m finding is people ask the exact same questions about their marriage when it is under duress.

Is there any hope? Can it be saved? How long do I wait? I can’t take this anymore .. and on and on and on.

The answer is simple. You wait as long as you have to. You are being taught valuable lessons in patience and it won’t get easy until you have learned your lesson. No amount of words I write will get this into your thick skull for mine was just as thick as yours and sometimes still is. You need to feel that weight lift from your shoulders to put this marriage back together. You know that feeling don’t you? A weight being released from your shoulders. The truth shall set you free. Ya dig? Do you feel me?

I never said this stuff was easy - it nearly broke me in two. I was incapable of functioning - eating sleeping working hobbies or doing anything for that matter. I cried - got angry - cried - got angrier. Why is she doing this… I’m a good man … I provide for my family - I take her out to dinner - I buy her flowers I do this and I do that I know I’m not perfect, but neither is she. She does this and that. She never does this or always does that - but I loved her anyway - why? God why? That little devil and angel that sits on all of our shoulders were battling on my shoulders and the devil was beating the tar out of the angel. I was thinking angrily and would say or do something I shouldn’t have and then after I managed to push my wife even further away I would look at the angel and say where were you on that one dipsh*t. The enemy was having his way with my family. I focused my anger no longer on her, but instead on the enemy who was wrecking my family.

Then something happened to me. While I was away from my wife (the kids were with me) one of my kids cried out for mama. It struck a chord deep down inside me and told me that all of this was wrong. Something was amiss. We were spiralling out of control and if one of us didn’t step up - a whole family was going to be destroyed.  My God My God I get it now. There is a greater purpose here. You, God, are not some cosmic gumball machine or ATM machine that if I put enough quarters or enter the right pin number are going to suddenly answer my prayer. You simply want me to trust you, but it is so hard.
I called upon the most powerful force in the universe for assistance and basically said okay, God, I’m going to try this out. I’m going to actually let go and let you take care of this. It went against every bone in my body to “let go” - it was like someone trying to talk me into going bungie jumping and somehow me agreeing to it the skeptic that I am. There is no way I’d let someone tie a rubber cord around my leg and jump off a platform. What if the rope breaks - what if they didn’t test it adequately - what if the rope suffers fatigue failure right as I sign up to jump off that cliff. What if What if What if….. stop. Trust me, relax, and I’ll take care of this.

Well I did it. I jumped off the proverbial cliff. During the near divorce experience, logic would have dictated that I protect my own interests and try to wrestle the kids away from her since she was “crazy” at the time, but instead a little voice told me - yeah you may wind up losing all your possessions - but they can be replaced -afterall all a man really needs to be happy is a shack, a couple of beers, and a can of ranch style beans, but if you don’t risk it what will you have to live with the rest of your life and indeed into eternity if you make it. You sold your family out for land, some extra money, and greater “parental rights”. You should have instead done EVERYTHING you could have to have saved your family and your marriage.
What kind of man sells his family out. Not a nourishing thought for the rest of my earthly life. Everyone told me to protect MY interests - that she was the guilty party here - that she didn’t deserve me - when ironically it was reverse. That’s how you’ve got to look at it man - a change in your perspective. You love her and you will keep on trying to win her back no matter what happens - no stalking though, cause that isn’t love - that’s the opposite of love - jealousy.

Ultimately I was willing to lose even my precious job , if that’s what it took. Crazy crazy, but hey it worked out somehow.

To give you some background on the message, the person asked me if it the situation was hopeless, the wife was having an affair and he secured a counselor. He said he was slowly realizing that it was over. Yeah I said that it was over in my mind about a thousand times. It cycled in and out - and I found other people do the same thing. The only difference is the point at which we give up hope - there’s a point here and as usual I’ll try to tie it to the scriptures.
That is what the major theme to the scriptures is. Yahweh loved his people - they were to be an example of how to do things right for the whole world. Then they started whoring around. Hello Ba’al. He forgave them. Hello Ba’al. He forgave them again and again and again. Then Yahweh had had enough. He issued a divorce decree. Yahweh issued his decree but he said he will come back for his family in two days. Yahweh never gave up hope  - that is the theme.  He is coming back for his family. Forests are sprouting in Israel - the land is becoming fertile - the leaves on the fig tree are budding - they are winning wars they should have lost. It took him a couple of thousand years to bring them back, but hey a thousand years is like a day to him. He issued his divorce decree because they went whoring around, but even still he is bringing them back. What a beautiful most poetic story. The whole thing is about relationship… everything in it is relationship. That is why we are here - it is so simple - I just don’t get why people are so angry with him. People seem to be either hot or cold on this subject. They either hate him or love him - well except for our modern day Laodiceans. Anyway your marriage is metaphor for Yahweh’s relationship with his chosen people. Your wife is out being all crazy, distant, “just friends”, but patience and forgiveness like Yahweh is with us will bring her back. Oh how you must yearn for lost bride.

Love is a decision and boy is it hard sometimes - well I guess you could always trade her in for a newer more sportier model. That is the modern way to happiness right? And of course - we are put here to “be happy”. Geez where do people get that idea. Happiness is a bonus - a feeling - your brain rewards you when you do the right thing. Ever given something to someone without expecting in return and then you get the feeling like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. That feeling is there by design. Oh yes - some scientists will tell us that it is there because we are social creatures and it is an evolved response to protecting the species thus allowing our species to better perpetuate itself. If you don’t know this feeling - go get a $50 bill and give it to a homeless person that doesn’t look like he’ll spend it all on beer. What a wonderful feeling.

Yahweh still waits on you friend, but is ready when you are. TRUST. Know His name. I suppose if someone called me Timmy about a thousand times eventually I’d get the idea that they were talking to me, but it hurts my feelings when someone doesn’t know my name that should. Do you know that feeling - someone blatantly can’t remember your name. You weren’t important enough for them to remember your name. I think there is a reason we have that feeling - it is because we are made in his image and he gets that same feeling when people call him by something other than his name or even worse don’t know his name.

All of this ties into your marriage. There are dynamics at work here that you need to understand and they are all analogies for our relationship with our creator. It is all documented in the best story ever told and you can get the story for free in hotels - in called out assemblies (church), and on the last great forum for spreading the Good News - the Internet. Souls are being mislead - get in the fight or get out of the way. That is why you are here.

Without further build up - here is a response to someone under duresss that I thought would have some value to the rest of you. The author’s name is secure and anonymous - rest assured I’m not going to violate anyone’s privacy here folks.
Believe it or not man you have the ability to shape the results - the more you learn the better off you will be. The forum is free and it will at least help you get your thoughts out - I found it somewhat therpeutic, but your mileage may vary. Be sure to clear your browser cache if ya’ll share the same computer still.

Keep yer chin up man - it’s going to get A LOT worse before it gets any better.

Okay people - look alive - start posting to the forum - my fingers are getting tired from all the behind the scenes typing and I don’t want to lose my wife for the third time. Words are more powerful than the sword.

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If you guys ever go to atheist web sites you are likely to see words like “Straw man” tossed around. A straw man is basically taking someone’s position - rewording it into something weaker than what they actually said and then saying haha - see — you are wrong - your argument sucks. The interesting thing is that very rarely do I find a “scholarly” debate on the existence of Yahweh (simply referred to as God in most English speaking circles) that is balanced and considers both sides of the argument - instead both sides tend to throw around terms like “straw man” at each other. To me the truth is self-evident though. 1+1=2 and yes there is a God. I also believe that it makes sense for science to reconcile to what we call the bible. Sacrilege some will say, but really what is the problem here? Relativity might suggest that yes 15 billion years of universe time would be roughly equivalent to six earth days from the right vantage point. I haven’t checked the math yet, but it sounds plausible to me.
I once asked an atheist whether something can come from nothing - to which he replied something about me being an armchair cosmologist and that quantum mechanics indeed shows that something can come from nothing (92 hits). Wait - isn’t that still something? Wait a second - you mean the universe just randomly popped up out of nowhere one day? Hey - where did that car over there come from - nowhere - hahahahahah? Oh yeah - well you just “believe” that the universe came from God. So what happened “Poof” God made it? Hahah - you are pathetic. Hrmm… well I guess Newton was too.
Ever read the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? In that book, it was revealed that the true meaning of life is actually “42″. Hrmm 42 letters in Yahweh’s name? Weird weird - maybe that guy was onto something. Let’s try to get really creative 6 (the number of man) times 7 (Yahweh’s perfect number) = 42 = the number of letter’s in Yahweh’s name and the true meaning of life according to the Hitch Hiker’s guide to the galaxy. Ohhh dear… another straw man?
Let’s have some more fun with this as it applies to your marriage though.
My wife and I used to love to do this to each other all the time. Sometimes we still do, but we’ve gotten a heck of a lot better about it.
Wife: “Shohn - you don’t spend enough time with the family”

Shohn: “So - you’re saying that I’m a bad husband”.

Wife: “No - I’m just saying you spend too much time at work”

Shohn: “So - you’re saying you don’t enjoy having a roof over your head”.

Wife: “No - you are a good provider, but we need more quality time”.

Shohn: “So you’re saying I don’t care about my family”.

Gee whiz. What an idiot I was. I still do this sometimes though. Insecurity? Maybe, but it sure does make things worse. Let’s try it in reverse..

Shohn: “I want you to initiate sex more often”

Wife: “Are you complaining about our sex life?”

Shohn: “No - I just would like to have more physical intimacy because I’m a horny cowboy at heart”

Wife: “Are you saying I don’t take care of your needs?”

Shohn: “No - I want you to want me so I feel more loved”

Wife: “Are you saying I don’t love you”.

Wow? Where did we go wrong? Both of did this and still do this at times. I guess once that little anger/insecurity thing turns on it is hard to shut down at times. No worries scientists and scholars alike do the same thing at times -  they just use bigger words.
My wife and I now practice saying things better to each other - controlling the tongue is an act of love believe it or not. That’s not to say that we want to tip-tap dance around the bush every time we have something to say, but rather we try to work at it. It takes practice and sometimes words don’t help at all. We’re going to try scheduling some more. I’ve found that I’ve started to creep back into my work all the time self. If things are scheduled - it makes it much tougher for me to fill it in with my work. It uses my habits against me for a good purpose. We like google calendars for scheduling, but your mileage may vary. 42.

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Words are by far mightier than the sword. Words start wars. If you have something to say to your wife - I want you to think about how it will play out once she receives those words. Are they to get something off of your chest or are they to help her? I’ve always struggled with this one. I want to be as honest as I can, but I do not want to send a rift in our relationship if I have something serious to talk about. I found that it helps me to write the words down and the come back and read it about a day letter. Many times I realize just how petty my words were the day before and wish I had never written them. This goes to a level of practicality as well. Many of the divorce prevention books suggest things like “Writing a list of the top ten things you like about your wife” and giving that to her. That backfired horribly in my case. In fact she was so mad at one point that she burned our high-school love notes. I did notice that she accepted some of these words though.

I took a bar of soap and wrote “I love you” on the bathroom mirror so that when she took a shower - “Surprise”. She liked that. I handed her a list of the things I liked about her - it went straight to the trash. What was the difference? Perhaps once required more thought and planning and was not like checking off a “todo list”.

I had my wife explain the difference to me after we saved our marriage and she said from her perspective it meant more if it was “thought out” - but not desperate. For my wife that meant short and sweet messages. Too long and she thought it was creepy. I imagine there is a balance for your woman as well and that means you will either have to think back about what worked or do some trial and error.

Another thing I should comment on is the recording of your thoughts in your journal and her moods, etc. You need to be careful with this stuff because if she finds it - you are hosed. Here is what I did. I told my wife that I was writing down my thoughts and that some of them were me being scared, some were my negative and positive feelings, but that I was working that part out to better understand her and myself. I respectfully asked that she not look at my log book because it contained stuff that was at a moment in time and could be taken out of context. She complied with my wishes. If you come to this site and start writing in the forum or equivalent - it may be okay to let your spouse know, but you need to be upfront and ask her not to review your words until enough time has passed. You know your girl - if she is able to respect this then it is probably okay to share this information with her - lest she find it in your browser history.

If you fear that she will look at the sites you have been going to, for example - this one, please be smart and clear the browser history - especially if you write in the forum. It is usually under Tools - Options - depending upon your browser.

One more thing - we’ve got the forum (111 hits) up and running now, but at some point we’re going to pull together a “free” save the marriage guide on this site. It will be a community effort. I think I’ve managed to get most of my thoughts out on what worked in my situation, but hope that all of us going through this can put together a practical and free “save the marriage” book containing all those pearls of wisdom we have learned. In the mean time - I think it will be interesting to watch whether the forum takes off - I think it is kind of like watching Thankgiving dinner. The food is served and waiting, but noone will go for it until one person gets in line - yet another human phenomonenon that has always puzzled me. It just takes one person to start a movement or to get the family started on Thanksgiving dinner. Now I’m going to eat my own words.

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I have written previously about the day (102 hits) I pretty much thought our marriage was over with. I did some pretty sorry things once I got into the “grab for power” and “grab for me me” mode. I thought it would be helpful for you guys to understand my thought process and what went wrong that day. You see - my wife and I shared a common email account. I had made an accusation that she had lied to me about something. She had gone out to one of those astrology sites to do a “compatibility” test on the both of us. I had become quite curious about the results of the test and went hunting for it in our email account. I found it in the “deleted items” folder. It said we were a “good match”. Not perfect - but good. Well great - at least the astrology site had my back although my wife was none too convinced that we were a good match at the time. Any hoo - I asked my wife about it and she said that she never saw the results. “LIAR LIAR” I immediately told myself. I confronted her about this and eventually our tempers flared - particularly mine. This little grain of sand sent her over the edge while I was already on “probation” with her.
I had been monitoring that email account and she knew it. I was paranoid - as I later discovered my fears were realized; however, I am left wondering what did I gain by doing this? It was evil and the end result of it was more evil and guess what she changed the email password. That sent me over the edge. I just knew in my mind that there was very little I could do to save my marriage - boy was I wrong, but I didn’t know it at the time.

A couple of lessons here - please don’t repeat my mistakes. Unfortunately, my words will not reach you until you’ve finally woken up, but I hope this at least makes somewhat of a dent. Once this stuff starts you may find yourself getting paranoid. Paranoid = Good Bye Marriage. Your mind may concoct stories and situations that simply do not exist. I’ve seen this same thing happen to other people so I know this isn’t just me. What I do know is that the paranoia made everything worse by far.

Eventually I learned to control it by just expecting - but not assuming the worst and by realizing I could only change me - not her - and if I was lucky - perhaps my family wouldn’t go down the gutter.

Folks - If you are at the “scared stage” let me at least tell you what I learned. Your wife may say - “you are only doing this because you are scared”. It is fine to own up to being scared, but I hope that isn’t your primary motivation for trying to save the marriage.  Fear is the opposite of love because fear is self-preserving. To save your marriage you MUST practice selfless love. That means you can not expect a single thing out of her for some time. She has become Mr. Hyde and you must wait for her to return to that woman that you love. Love her not for who she is NOW, but who she can become. A little grain of sand can turn into a pearl if given enough time.

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