Glass Gloves

Okay folks, it looks like someone has beat me to the punch -  a scientist is working on some mathematical models to define love and “good sex” in mathematical terms.
Yippee! Equations for Love and Sex!

http://www.edge.org/3rd_culture/gottman05/gottman05_index.html (132 hits)

Seriously, I guess this could be quite useful for reducing the occurrence of DV, but it scares the heck out of me for some reason. No doubt this may be somewhat similar to the objectives of this site, but “test tube” marriage and relationship sounds too cold and metallic even for me. I think Eeeby Jeebies is the proper word to describe my feelings for this.

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The save the marriage / prevent the divorce books invariably suggest one strategy consistently across almost every book. Don’t push too hard.

What does that mean though? Don’t push.

I think it is something like this. There are things that your now estranged and if you are lucky, angry partner, would not want you to do even though logic might dictate they should. Guess what - if you came up with the idea - by definition it is a bad idea!

Emotions are a very powerful force for controlling decisions like it or now. I remember at one point I was presenting all the data that I could to my wife that saving the marriage was the most logical choice. Yeah - she didn’t buy it. She was tired and didn’t care as long as she was away from me - at all costs.

Can you think of a moment where you may have been like this in your life? Perhaps a moment that you had become so distraught that you no longer cared about the outcome? That no additional effort would result in anything positive. I remember feeling like this after staying up for several days while in college working on finishing projects. After staying up for 3 days in a row, the value of sleep started looking awfully appealing even if I failed a course. Perhaps compare this to ol’ Esau trading his birth right and father’s blessing for a nice meal from Jacob. If your spouse has run out of fight - then it is up to you to save this marriage. Call me old fashioned or just crazy, but I truly believe marriage is until death to us part and is the most important human relationship on this planet and worth every inch of fight that you have even if your spouse is tired. How do you give your spouse more energy - without pushing?

I couldn’t ask my wife to remove the emotion from her decisions - only a 3rd party was able to do that for me - the only thing I could do was work towards giving her more energy and helping her no longer be tired. A vacation certainly helped with that, activities, happy memories, etc.
So what is pushing? Simple - would your “wanting to leave” spouse want what you are about to suggest? Does it interest them or are you merely suggesting something in the hope that they will respond with love for your sake? Ask yourself first.

• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go on a vacation by yourself? Yes!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to marriage counseling with me? No!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the bookstore and get some books? Yes - I’ve always wanted to read Hemmingway.
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the bookstore and get some marriage saving books? NO!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to have dinner “just as friends”. I guess
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go on a date with me? NO!
  My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the park with me to watch the kids play. Yes!
• My “wanting to leave” wife, would you like to go to the park to talk about our marriage while the kids play? NO!

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One of the things I talked about in the past was how to filter advice, particularly negative advice. I started to study myself and my wife during the rough period of our marriage and noted a couple of phenomenon.

People tend to rationalize their decisions as being correct including me.

People often tend to think exactly like the last person they spoke with when they are under emotional duress.

Interesting. I noted that this was the same for my wife and I; and for other people whose marriages had either fallen apart or had made it through the rough patch. I started interviewing everyone I knew who had both a successful and an unsuccessful marriage to understand what happened. As part of that process, I noted that there were some very common themes that ran through each of the marriage situations even though each situation had its own set of circumstances.

One of the biggest things I’ve noted is that one or both parties tend to get “paranoid” and drive themselves towards a “me me” mode. In every case, I noted that this resulted in a divorce. In other cases, I noted that one of the persons stood up and said “Oh well, If I get divorced I get divorced”, but I’m going to do everything I can to show my spouse that I’m serious about them. At a minimum, I won’t have to look back years down the road and have regrets about not trying hard enough.

I also noted, that one or both partners will go to outside the marriage to get support for their decisions or to get advice on what to do. Sometimes, this support will take sides and only listen to one side of the story. Sometimes, this support will listen to both sides and point out errors that both partners are doing.

In my case, it actually helped me more to listen to support that told me what I was doing wrong instead of making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

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On Monday last week, I “pulled the plug” on communicating with my wife. An old habit I’m trying to stop (see “I promise! Really! (156 hits)“) caused me to lie to her (an issue about selling our house). I took it upon myself to email, confess and ask her her forgiveness. The reply was a simple “Apology accepted”. Even in an age where you only get these two typewritten words, I knew she was seething. (I learned later that my lie was enough to cause her to call it quits once and for all.) I decided to give Mrs. Ray her space, following the tactics of the original “Counterintuitive (213 hits)” post. For most of the week she did not try to contact me. I was really feeling the stretch (”What’s going on in her mind???“).

Late Thursday night I received an email. A page and a half. She was torn and not sure what to do (emotionally) next. Ultimately she really did want to see me again.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m posting this here not for boasting or victory, but to show you that this tactic worked for one person, in a very touchy situation. Every situation is different, but consider that Mrs. Ray was actually ready to drop it all and finish the divorce proceedings. I kept the strength (barely, and with God’s help) though the week. Inside, I was depressed and worried about what would happen next. Through God’s grace, I managed to survive, and our marriage still has a chance.

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I had written previously about the three hour miracle (446 hits) that really turned our marriage around. Well the “non-denominational” church that I mentioned made our little miracle into a movie. Not too bad - it captured most of the details and did a little bit of “over-dramatization” on the story, but overall I think it captured the gist of our miracle. It made me cry just reliving it again. Here is the link to it if you’re interested.
http://www.wbctx.org/worshipartsfilmvideo.asp?RowNum=2  (125 hits)

This video reminds me of some other movies I used to get psyched up for rebuilding our marriage during the rough part. “What Dreams may Come” with Robin Williams was one of the best movies for reminding me of what I was up against. I could relate to it because I knew what I was going to have to go through to save the marriage and wasn’t sure if I was going to survive or not. Once I made it, it did feel like I had gone through hell and came back to tell the tale. I suggest you rent it if you want a glimpse of what it will take to save your marriage.

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So you managed to get your wife out on a date? You told her it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a date, but that you are doing this for the marriage because deep down in your heart you want it to work, but that you are going to be respectful and not talk about problems or the past (she might though!). No strings attached.

First of all, she is still viewing you as the old you and will be repulsed if you have any lack of confidence. Get your new clothes on (65 hits) - wearing black will make you look slimmer and sharper, right? Wear colors that flatter you. Okay - next.

So you go to pick your wife up, but she is still ice cold, right? How do you get her to talk? Pretend you are not you.

Here is what I did, and admittedly it is a little …. weird. I guess my wife knows I’m a little weird though so somehow I pulled it off. I’ll do my best to explain.

I asked her about that guy she used to be married to in 3rd person. I even talked about my old self as though my new self (currently speaking to her) and knew my old self as though he were a mutual friend. I told her that I hadn’t seen him in awhile (this person she was married to before - my old self), but that I heard he was a real jerk, but he did say he was sorry.

Then I asked my wife what she was into since we were on a date. I treated it like a first date and as though my old self was her last boyfriend. I asked questions about him, but not too many just enough to let her know what a jerk I thought he was. Confused yet?

I continued to ask her about her family, her religious beliefs, what she was into - getting to know her all over again - a first date.

This method though certainly weird as all get out, let her vent her frustrations against the old me, without me getting defensive, yet still allowed us to move forward as though it were a first date. If you want to try this, you had better have the confidence of a statesman, because she will eat you alive if you don’t. It worked like a charm for me.

A couple of other things, too much of this and she’ll get upset so switch back into “first date” mode if she does. Also, you’ll have to watch her “weirdo” and “space” meter. Too much of this may freak her out.

Most of this actually turned into a good date, until eventually I asked her to release her anger. Don’t make that mistake like me!

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I actually met my wife twice. We were high-school sweet-hearts about 10-15 years ago. I remember the very first time I saw her to this day. Somehow I knew she was the “one”. I can remember almost all the details of when we first connected. I couldn’t believe a girl as pretty as her would even give me the time of day, and she couldn’t believe a guy as smart as me (she said) would give her the time of day. It was bliss.

We tentatively discussed marriage, what our kids would be named, etc. in high-school.

She more or less “lost it” after high-school and her and I went on separate paths through the years. For some reason though, I always kept up with her family over the years. Not really sure why, I just did.

After about a year into college I had a dream about her purchasing a red Mazda Miata and getting in a wreck (wrapped it around a telephone pole). She was lost. I wrote this dream down in one of my log books.

She later told me after we reconnected about 10 years after high-school that she had test driven a red Mazda Miata about two years into my college career.
Whoaah! Weird Wierd ESP thing.

Once she moved in with me, I noticed that she always seemed to resent her parents quite a bit yet still tried to appease them. In many ways, she blamed them for where she was at with her life. She generally didn’t like what I had to say about that.

So this continued off and on through our relationship - we’d have good spells for about a month, and then argue over something. Two kids later and 5 moves later and several temper tantrums on my part - eventually the little grains of sand piled up enough that she asked me for a divorce one day (of three times total). God definitely wasn’t in our marriage our first couple of years, but we did have our own little religion and dogma debates (turns out most of this stuff doesn’t matter). She suggested that the blessed Mary mother of God wasn’t a virgin and man did that make me mad. Looking back, I guess that is how religious wars get started.

Eventually, my wife “lost it” again for the second time in 15 years. What I didn’t realize until later was this was actually three problems all at the same time. She lost faith in God - in fact if a God did exist she hated Him. She was at odds with her folks (and they sided with me during the last straw part of the divorce) and I was a husband that didn’t “get it” and could make someone feel about an inch tall with just a couple of words - nevermind once my temper warmed up.

I’ve noted that once women (and men) hits their breaking point, they often lose it and get sucked into a crazy party time lifestyle for a bit - especially if they never had a chance to explore the world a bit. I lived that lifestyle when I was younger and it was an empty existence though fun at times! Eventually I looked up and said to myself “What am I doing?” this is madness. The point to all of this is that it is fairly common for the “wanting to leave” spouse to go through a dark period in their life.

My solution here was to build my wife back up as much as I could. She no longer knew who I was at one point, in fact said “Shohn - I’ve moved on and I suggest you do the same”.

Throughout our marriage she would tell me how she had accomplished nothing with her life, was worthless, etc. I could never understand where this self-loathing came from.

One of the books told me to get her back I need to “Edify” her. I have a fairly accomplished vocabulary (poor speller though), but this was actually a new word to me. Edify. Build her up.

How did I try to build her up? As I was trying to woo her back, I told her just how special she was. She would retort with something like “Well you’ve never said that before - you’re just scared”. I’d say “I have said that but you seem to have conveniently forgotten about it, but that’s okay and yes I am a little scared”. Then I’d tell her about what drew me to her in the first place, why I thought she was special, etc. What made her unique from all others.

The key here is establishing credibility. If what you are saying sounds “too good” and you make no mistakes then she will think you are bluffing because there are no mistakes. It will feel canned. It should come from the heart, but not a “scared” heart, rather confident and willing to admit your weaknesses and faults, but accept them for what they are with the goal of improving. She might ask - “what makes it different this time?” and she will probably try to sabotage your efforts to build her up. Just realize that is part of it. It is a stage.
What does make it different this time? Haven’t you had a spiritual experience yet? I guess that kind of thing can’t be forced or rushed. It takes some folks their whole life. It happened to Anne Rice (one of my favorite authors) after she had previously been an atheist. Can it happen after inviting God into your heart and then right as you start to give up He jumps in an rescues you?

My wife was a mother confined to a household with 4 kids and was really able to talk to noone but children all day, then her hubby comes home and wants a kiss and possibly later on a roll in the hay. This goes on for years and years. What is missing? What makes her special? She asks herself “Is this all that I am?” My mom did the same thing with two kids and held down two jobs at the same time and never even complained about it. What was different for her? Less kids and she had a job? My grandmother did it with 7 kids and held down a job. What was different? Tougher women from a bygone era or just better men?

I don’t know, but it should make you think eh? I think the biggest thing to realize is sometimes people need a hand to pull them out of the mess they are in because they have simply lost the will to do it themselves. We call it depression now a days. I also think that each generation gets a little bit softer. Don’t expect her to put up with what your mom did. Understand the family she came from and how it might affect her.
Don’t let her down herself or let anyone else down her. If you’ve got friends of hers that think she’s crazy, and parents, etc. then you better set them straight if you really love this woman. She is still your wife and you’re going to do everything you can to look out for her.

The other two problems - lack of faith and a struggling relationship with her parents - I had to fix in separate measures. I’ve told you about our Christian marriage coach who helped restore God into our marriage, but I never told you about how I (actually God did this by his lonesome) patched up things with her folks. That was another relationship problem spilling over into our marriage. I’ll write about that later.

Do you at least see that you need to understand all the forces, variables, and time elements involved to make progress in restoring your marriage? It is a complex equation, but it has levers and knobs and dials that can be tweaked. The funny part is the equation keeps changing your whole life!

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So let me get this straight? Now you are doing mostly what she asks, are respecting her wishes, giving her space, reading all the books, learning everything you can about women, etc. right?

She still isn’t responding or doesn’t believe the changes are real? What the heck is wrong with her? Why is she doing this?

Why should she believe the changes are real? I told my wife I had a life defining moment and she started to believe me. There was definitely some - “well the divorce is still on” action though. Saving face is what we call it now a days. It took awhile plus spending lots of money and spiritual journey, and taking time off, and everything I knew to let her see, not convince, her I meant it. Have I ever told you guys that I borrowed $5000 from my boss to file for divorce and instead used it to help save my marriage? Didn’t give me much of an advantage in divorce court did it? I was willing to risk everything I owned just for her. That’s the kind of love it took to save my marriage. The Greeks call it Agape. I call it unconditional love.

Are you going to let your possessions in this life own you? You may lose them, but which is more important to you?

Crazy eh? Well that’s how much she means and meant to me.

Ask yourself - did you have a “moment of clarity” or suddenly feel like everything you thought you knew was actually wrong? I did and it hit me like a load of bricks - then it hit her after I figured it out, then it hit her parents, then tons of people I know, and now you. Thanks God. Why did you do this to me? Mysterious ways indeed.

People say “trust in God” all the time, but what does that mean? I guess to me it means I’m really no longer afraid of anything except needles and sliding down the razor slide into a pool of alcohol. Does that mean I write a check for $5000 and ask Him to cover it - nope that’s testing Him. Weird eh?

If I die - I die, what is my whole life to me is not even in time to God because time does not exist for him other than this world he has places us into. That is the real epiphany that hopefully you will learn through this journey you are on with your marriage. The point of your life is to know Him and He’ll bless you with everything else during this life if he thinks that it is the kind of gift you need to get ready for the next life. He doesn’t bless everyone with goods and stuff though.

I spoke to a homeless man earlier and then bought him a new pair of shoes. Yay for me. That homeless man has no idea what he did for me though. To see him that far down and out and still having hope - to still have trust in God after the rough ride he has had. We discussed Romans and he knew it inside and out and didn’t skip a beat. How does he do it? I guess for one, his possessions don’t own him. I felt envious in a way. Wow. Even now I still have evil inside me - I’ll need to ask for help with that one.

God has put some speed limit signs up for this life. Were you caught speeding or did the enemy have his way with your marriage? I guess you better slow down since he designed the place or learn how to fight the enemy. Why does a mother of 5 children decide one day that they need to be drowned in her own home? Is that the enemy doing what he does best? Don’t let that evil one win when God has already won this battle.

Guess what - His love is agape too, but He also wants to be loved and understood just like you. Take notice of Him, and He will notice you and possibly intervene with a little ray of hope in your marriage. The reality though, is this - He has already won the battle of your life if you would just trust in where He is taking you. He has been trying to tell you this your whole life and you’ve really never noticed Him until now?

Open your eyes and pursue Him with zeal.

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So you’ve finally made some changes, but your spouse isn’t “giving you credit”. You want some credit don’t you. Give me some credit spouse. I’ve changed. Warming a frozen heart doesn’t occur over night friend.
Why is that? One of my counselors explained it to me this way. We tend to view people under the lens of their past behaviors even if their current behaviors have changed. We have been told that people don’t change by popular culture. Once you have truly changed your perspective and realized what you have been doing wrong it will take your spouse some time to “give you credit”. You still think it’s her? You had better go back to the drawing board.
I suspect that the amount of time required for the “wanting to leave” spouse to recognize the changes in the “save the marriage” spouse is directly related to two variables.

• The “trueness” of the changes (i.e., likelihood that the positive changes are going to stay - you aren’t just “checking the box” - you’ve had an  epiphany); and
• how long you have been married.

Trying to unwind 30 years of crud will take longer than just 10 years of crud. It’s sort of like trying to remove scar tissue. It takes time and can’t be motivated by fear, but rather honest to goodness changes and real love.

Love is a decision - not just a feeling.

Here is another way to think of it.

Do you think quitting smoking is easy? Saving a marriage is about like that. Some folks can do it “cold turkey” because they get hit with the epiphany earlier - others go their whole life and still don’t “get it”.
What about losing weight? Watched any Subway commercials lately? It took that guy most of his life to wake up and make some changes in that department. He noticed that what he was doing wasn’t working. So he found something that does. Do you think he lost all that weight over night?
How about you with your marriage? Did you honestly think this would happen in a few months after everything you two have done to each other?

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I had found a wild kitten living in our garage during my quest to save our marriage. In retrospect, I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between this kitten and my wife.

The kitten was angry, scared, hissed, and had a rather fearsome set of claws for as small as it was. When I tried to love it, it ran away and hid. Picture a big 200lb man trying to tame a little bitty kitten then getting his arm scratched up after trying to pick this kitten up. Whoah.
When I tried to be “loving” towards my wife it usually resulted in some hissing,  and some emotional scars from her verbal and rejection claws.

I tamed the kitten by very carefully studying its behavior and realizing that it was most likely not run away when it was cold and if I moved very slowly. Eventually I got close enough to pet the kitten; however, it was uneasy.

As time went on I made a warm bed for the kitten in a shoebox and very carefully placed the kitten in the shoebox. I fed it some kitty treats and continued to pet it. Slowly, over time this kitten became my friend. It now follows me around the house like a faithful dog and comes and sleeps by me at night. The kitty and I have our own special little bond.

Though your wife is human and has the spiritual side of her, she is also an animal just like you. Her behaviors will be largely predictable based on certain stimuli, show her unselfish love and eventually she will love you back. Think of yourself and your need to not feel rejected - she will claw you while she is trying to leave you.

Eventually, after you tame the anger and resentment, she will love you for being so persistent and not giving up on her and will accept that though you are are a big man and make mistakes. She knows by your persistence and consistency that your efforts are sincere and then will realize that perhaps her expectations were a little too high.

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