Glass Gloves

“Counterintuitive” – what a word! Six syllables made of 16 letters. Split it in half to get a better idea: “Counter” means against. “Intuitive” means something like results being what you expected (like in intuition). So, getting results opposite what you thought might happen!

I’m not changing the subject here, bear with me. Although I’m 55 years old, I’ve bought my first ever motorcycle. (Riders, you can skip this paragraph!) The most surprising thing I’m learning about is the way you steer a motorcycle – if you want to turn right, you actually push the handlebars to the left! (Just a tiny bit, but still you turn the opposite way.) My mind and body might be yelling “We’re gonna crash!” but my eyes and brain manage to make the turn by turning the front wheel the other way.

So, what’s this got to do with your (crumbling) marriage? You work counterintuitively. This is the scariest, hardest thing to do, and, like the title suggests, it can get dangerous. Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family (110 hits) wrote a book called Love Must Be Tough. This web page: Hope for Couples in Crisis (217 hits) has a very good description of the idea. It’s a bit of a read, but well worth it. The upshot is to actually allow the leaving spouse their space! There is a link on that page to the Love Must Be tough book.

Dobson poses three results: 1) Since you have “let them go”, there is no need to fight any more, and your relationship will improve just because you two don’t need to fight. 2) The leaving spouse might consider, now, that maybe there is something in our marriage after all. For the third result, I can’t say it better than Dr. Dobson. Pay attention:

The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one [that be you – Ray]. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.

What’s in this for you? You have a plan. In the book you will see how you do gain control. (Not in a control freak way, but in a way that makes it easier for your spouse to rethink things and possibly return.) When you have a good idea of what’s happening, you will definitely feel better about your situation, and get your self respect back.

Guarantees? Remember you’re working without a safety net. But consider your alternatives: Your spouse has already (or nearly) walked out. If nothing changes, it’s just “Good bye” anyway. However, by taking the high road here, you still could remain on good terms with your spouse, which makes vital communication all that much easier.

When my wife moved out, I helped her move! I also told her I did want to find some reconciliation. I did the grunt work, driving the truck, setting up her bed, installing the washer – whatever. What did that accomplish? Later that week, when she had some small emergencies, she called me, of all people! And within the week she volunteered that there may still be some way we could work things out. Your mileage may vary, but I know this small break in her attitude would not have been possible if I had not supported her decision in the way I did. My situation (as of the end of 2006) is not nearly out of the woods. But as Dobson says, I do feel much better about things, and, of course, my wife actually came up with the idea of seeing if we might be able to work things out!

Be Brave. Be on your knees in prayer. Stick with it. God Bless.

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Your spouse has, or is soon, leaving. The divorce papers have been filed. In your heart of hearts, though, you have committed yourself to saving your marriage - you still love her. Is there a limit to what you can personally do? Is it all worth it? When do you give up - or do you?

Recently I watched a show on Discovery called “Everest: Beyond the Limit (138 hits)“. One 50-ish climber, still a few days’ climb form the top, “hit a wall”. His dream since he was 8 years old had been to climb Mt. Everest. He was so close to realizing his dream - within 1,000 vertical feet , yet he knew he could not take another step. He turned back. In this week’s show we see him coming to grips with the end of a dream. Was it failure? He called that turning point his personal summit. Had he continued, he certainly would have died. (The summit of Everest is called “The Death Zone” for a reason.) Now he will live with the mixed result of failing (?) his dream, but more importantly recognizing his true limits. There is satisfaction in knowing when to turn back.

By this time in my marriage/separation/divorce I was emotionally exhausted. I wondered about the support I read in James 1:2 (10 hits) that life’s troubles are how God prepares you for receiving God’s wisdom. Whew!! In exhaustion I might just give up. I feel that Marriage is God’s second gift to Man (after He gave us life, he gave us companionship.) That Marriage is a picture of Jesus’ relationship with His Church. God told Hosea to marry a prostitute (11 hits). (No, my wife is no prostitute.) But when Hosea’s wife left him, he went to look for her and found her again.

Is it OK to give up? Well, bottom line is you will eventually move on, just as your spouse will. You fought the Fight of Your Life, knowing that the goal was worth everything, and you feel you have used/spent everything. You finally hear in your heart, “No more.” You can close that chapter of your life. You have reached your personal summit (not the true peak, though) and could not take another step.

“Failure”? You decide. Call it Failure, and you may spend too much time dwelling in the past, with bitterness. Call it your Personal Summit, though not satisfactory, and you will know you have gone to your absolute limit, and returned a survivor.

I do not write this to tell anyone to give up. I pray that the Lord will supply whatever energy & wisdom is needed to each spouse. That both hurting individuals in this painful situation of divorce, barring reasons of violence, will find healing , love and happiness again, well before anyone reaches their summit. However, continually respect yourself, and keep tabs on your emotional energy.

As I write this (I’m not shohn, remember, I’m Ray), my wife has moved out and filed papers. I have no intention of giving up, but I am afraid for the future. No way do I want to give up. But, like the Everest climber, for practical reasons reaching my own personal summit might just be a matter of survival. The question remains: Can I go the distance? Can you? What is your resolve? In my view, for my marriage, it’s worth it!

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This post will be a bit crass, but it is reality for most men. Ladies - consider this counter intelligence and counter intelligence!

I can honestly say that this is one area that I have been fortunate enough to have had an understanding wife. She understand this part of the male psyche, that we are often a visual creature, etc.

Let’s just get to it - why do guys look at womens’ rear end (159 hits) as they pass by or sometimes focus on the cleavage during conversation?

I honestly don’t know. I guess we’re just hard-wired that way - well most of us. This used to frustrate me so much. It is actually a habit in myself that I have been trying to vanquish for years. I’m almost there, but it still pops up from time to time.

My wife and I would be sitting down at dinner or something and an attractive woman would walk by. I would actually catch myself observing the rear end of the attractive woman as she walked by. My wife would catch me red handed, but was smart enough to know that it almost an uncontrollable / unconscious thing with me and for most men. She would then proceed to poke a little fun at me - the big ape that I am.

My wife had a girl friend that didn’t see it that way though. Her friend would catch her fella doing something like that at a dinner outing and would blow a gasket. The whole night would be ruined I am told. Maybe her hubby is just “blatant and no tact” about it though. I can just imagine him whipping out a camera to take a few pics home while he was at it.

Now what I can say is this - I honestly make an effort not to do this sort of thing. I want to have eyes for only one woman - my wife. To look on another woman is a quality in myself that I find revolting, but I have accepted that at times - it happens and fortunately my wife doesn’t rake me over the coals when it does happen.

I’ve talked about this phenomenon with my wife at great length. I even asked her one time - “Why do women show cleavage in the work place?” It bugs me sometimes because it seems to be distracting in a work environment. She informed me that it is often just a result of the clothing that is commonly available now a days - they can’t help it.

Now guys here’s the rub - if you do get caught in the act on this - don’t deny it to your sweetheart - especially if she’s a bit insecure. It is a futile effort - just explain that it just a male thing and that you have no intentions of leaving her and for heaven’s sake at least work on it.

Now that we have gotten this far I thought that this may help some of you guys relate to your lady. You see - just in as much as there are almost uncontrollable urges for you to turn your head as a good looking girl walks by, women have their own set of emotional things that are difficult for them to control.

Us guys like to put all of our emotions in a nice little box and say “There - isn’t that neat and organized”. It doesn’t always work that way for them and they can control some of those emotions just about as well as we can resist turning our head! They have something called “memory popups” - that just surface out of nowhere and cause them emotional affliction. My wife had one of these the other day on the way to her parents’ house for Christmas. I asked “Can you just leave it alone?” - yeah eventually she will, but she just doesn’t quite have as tight a handle on the emotions created by old memories.

I never understood that part until I read the book below given to me as a Christmas present by my wife’s folks. Coincidentally, I opened the book right up to the section that talked about this phenomenon after we had just had this problem on the way to her parent’s house. Weird.

It is an awesome book, but probably most useful to you for explaining past behaviors and for marriage maintenance mode. I think this book would be extremely useful for someone who has quite a bit of resentment built up (i.e., your spouse that is trying to leave). It explains a number of things that are probably contributing to your spouse’s resentment. Ladies there is a counterpart for you too called “for women only”. My wife is reading it - we’ll see how it goes.

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I watched the movie “History of Violence” the other night. Warning spoiler is coming. Skip this post if you haven’t seen the movie.

The main hero in this movie seems to have had a bit of a checkered mafia past which he did a fairly good job of concealing from his wife. Evidently, he spent three years in a desert ridding himself of his past and becoming a new person. Curiously enough - the transformation that occurred in the hero of this show, may be considered somewhat analogous to acceptance of the Man upstairs as your Saviour. At some point our hero intervenes in the antics of some robbers / murderers and becomes the unwitting hero of his small town and the focus of national television. His old gangster pals see him on TV and come to pay him a visit. He is living with both a different name and different mentality from his desert transformation, but his old mafia buddies continue to harass him and his family.

Eventually his wife begins to suspect that something is amiss - something is not quite right. She finds out enough of the truth to really send a rift between the two of them. Turns out this guy was a bit of a gangster / ex-mafia hit man or something. By then end of the movie though, I got the feeling that she stood by him. She may not have been too happy about him not telling her sooner, but I sensed that he was able to turn their family back in the right direction.

Secrets are a such an awful thing in a marriage aren’t they? As I’ve said before, I’ve more or less always felt that a couple should never have secrets that are kept from one another. Are there circumstances though, that would merit that your sweetheart not knowing about certain things from your past (e.g., you used to be a mafia boss)? It seems that in the case of the lead character from this movie, choosing not to share his past with his wife may have actually been the only moral and ethical thing to do if the cost of sharing was wrecking his entire family - affecting multiple innocent lives only to assuage his own guilty conscience. It is one heck of a moral dilemma no?

How should we react if our spouse reveals something to us from their past that they have protected us from all these years? Should we not rejoice that our spouse is no longer burdened by carrying such a secret? Should we not be glad that our spouse has taken the courage to share it with us so that the healing may begin? Should we not be happy that our spouse waited long enough for the past transgression to be a distant memory?

It is a tough question, but none the less one that may be asked during the downward spiral of divorce. All of a sudden it seems that all of the bitter truths are laid out on the table. Why is it that it takes a traumatic event like a divorce or break in a relationship for the delivery of such truths? I’m not entirely sure, but I suspect it is probably close to the same reason that some families are only nice to one another at funerals. The difference though it what you choose to do with this former secret. One approach is to make a big fuss and say to your spouse “You lied to me all these years” - another is to rejoice - though the truth may sting a bit - you are glad that your spouse no longer carries that burden because you love them.

Now that said, if you’ve got some dark secrets and you’re in the middle of trying to save your marriage from impending divorce it may not be the best of times to reveal such information. My guess is that you have a higher moral obligation to save your marriage than to reveal something just for the sake of your own guilty conscience. Especially since you know that the revelation of such information to your spouse will just give them more ammunition to leave - unless you both have agreed to get it all out on the table to proceed in the right direction towards saving the marriage.

I know my wife and I tried the “get it all out on the table” tactic and it didn’t work very well for us. We only succeeded in hurting one another. I think the key for us was where we were at with our impending divorce. The release of such information should have waited until after we were back on track.

We were only able to talk about hidden truths after the marriage was headed back in the right direction.

What is the moral to the story? Don’t lie if asked, but be careful to not add extra fuel to the fire of downward spiral just to relieve your own conscience. I personally think it is better to start with the buried problems once the direction is headed back in the right direction and both of you, in the words of Jack Nicholson (A Few Good Men), can handle the truth!

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Ever heard the story of Othello? I was required to watch a movie made from this story during English class at one point. Some guy named Shakespeare wrote a play about this guy who is considered a bit of a “noble savage”. A noble savage might be similar to a Tarzan who has gone through etiquette school, is wearing a suit, is honorable, but still displays a bit of his animal side. Othello is in love with his woman, but various 3rd parties plot and scheme to turn him against his lady. They feed him false information and lies that his wife is sleeping around on him. I remember from the movie version of this story that at one point, Othello’s wife was attempting to sooth him - the “noble savage”, but he wasn’t listening. He eventually became so convinced she was running around that he smothered her to death.

I considered this analogous to some of the struggles that my wife must have gone through with me. Many times I would “assume” that her intentions were malevolent and blow things out of proportion. Sometimes we would be in a heated debate and she would just stop everything and give me a little kiss. I can remember that little peck calming every nerve in my body and making whatever we were arguing about pointless in my mind. Sometimes she would simply say “I’m sorry” and it would have the same effect.

Somewhat related - I’ve got a “blood pressure” testing machine in our home. It cost about $60 - so nothing real fancy, but it lets me test my blood pressure. One thing fun to try - put on a movie like Rambo or another action flick and test your blood pressure before, during, and after. Try the same thing for some classical music. Interesting.

I remember being in the counselor’s office at one point and one of the counselors decided to turn on some music. I was anxious as crazy before she turned on the music. I found myself relaxing and a peace coming over me.

Where am I going with this? A couple of observations I’ve made from our situations and that of others. There are things that can sooth people and to avoid arguing over nothing. Perhaps you need to figure out what works for your spouse if things start to get heated.

• It takes one to defuse a hostile situation.
• Don’t believe everything you hear from 3rd parties about your spouse - though you should still expect the worst until she returns to her normal self.
• It takes one to get a marriage moving back in the right direction.
• Yes - music can sooth the savage beast or even your “noble savage”.

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Okay fellas - this is one more tactic that could be used for “marriage maintenance mode” and if she is still living under the same roof as you, but trying to leave you. Don’t forget the rule about positive things being perceived negatively and that different people need different kinds (216 hits) of gifts. I don’t know any woman that would turn this one down though. Ladies feel free to comment if I’m wrong.

Recipe:

1 bottle of bubble bath / bath salts

1 bath tub

5 or 6 candles with solid bases (to avoid tipping over).

Add bubble bath or bath salts to running water shortly before your sweetheart arrives home, retires for the evening, etc. You have to be aware of how her schedule works - don’t try to force her schedule because that would be “insensitive”. Light the candles and turn out or dim the lights. Send her in there by herself to relax for about an hour. I’ve done this one about three times and it never turned out poorly - your mileage may vary. For a double bonus - if your wife stays home like mine and is coming in from errands or something - prepare dinner for once or bring it in before she arrives home.

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My wife stays home with the kids. It was both a financial and parenting decision we made early on. When we first started out I was the primary bread-winner and day care cost an arm and a leg. It just seemed like it would be better for the kids as well.

We established our roles. I worked - she stayed home and didn’t work (in my mind at the time).

Some days the house would be a mess, supper wouldn’t be ready, and sometimes it just seemed like utter chaos when I arrived home. Those types of days started to build a mental picture in my mind of her sleeping most of the day - while I was busy working. It started to seem unfair and I began to voice complaints about it. Then it would get better for awhile until our next argument.

Eventually - we sat down and discussed this situation and tried to define a set of wants and needs and to document them. She later popped this list out of nowhere in spite as we were headed towards divorce. She hung onto that list from years ago.

This idea of putting together a list was mine.  No doubt - it was a guess in the right direction; however, it didn’t quite work right for one reason. I was still thinking about myself instead of her.  She could not respond to my wants and needs until I first loved her selflessly as though she were my WIFE. Instead of being the almighty dictator of my household expecting things to be “fair” I should have instead offered to help clean in my spare time. While I did do the dishes from time to time it was at best a token gesture.

As we were headed towards divorce I decided I would try things from her shoes. I watched the kiddos all day by myself for several weeks. It was certainly not as stressful as I thought it would be, but in retrospect I was working on staving off a divorce at that time so this seemed like child’s play. Now as I watch them - I find that it starts to wear my nerves down after awhile and they are capable of making a mess just as quickly as I can clean. I send my wife out to handle errands and upon arrival home she asks “What happened to the house?” in a joking and knowing manner. I say “I cleaned it three times already and they still messed it up”.

The other part I learned here was about bringing some “male” analytics into the household. I looked for areas of inefficiency and identified solutions.

Two of my solutions included  the following:

getting our kids into a “mother’s day out program” two days out of the week just to give my wife time to catch up and have a feeling of peace for a bit.

I also established a “chores” schedule for the kiddos and the family where we would rotate various household tasks between able  bodied members of the family.

More about stay home mom depression next!

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My wife tells me that one of the reasons we made it through this was my persistence. I never gave up. In fact, each setback made me more resolute once I decided to save our marriage.

Once my wife was starting to give up hope (about 6 months prior to filing) she decided to get me into a counselor for US. She was very clever about how she did this - she told me it was for our “family” since we were having some trouble with one of our kiddos at the time.

We were into it about three counseling sessions before I realized we were there for us. I didn’t even know we had “problems”. Shows how clued into my wife’s feelings I was.

Then something happened. She gave up hope right as I was starting to get engaged into saving our marriage. I had lost her. She started going to the counselor by herself to work out her own “issues”.

I found another marriage coach referred by a friend. This coach seemed to have some sort of entrance requirements. I called him four times - persistent about it. I suppose he wanted to know if I was serious about it. Almost like I was being prepared to become a Jedi Knight or something.
Finally - he calls me up and we talk. We arrange to meet and I used every persuasive bone in my body to get my wife to go. She said “It’s not going to change anything”. I told “That’s fine - but I already told him we were both going”. Ironically, not wanting to break a commitment she decided to go.

She cried and I cried - it was beautiful. It was poetry. He accomplished more in one hour than our previous counselor / coach had in months. Guys - you have GOT to find the right coach - if you find one that isn’t working then get another one.

Then he asked her if she would go again next Tuesday if I could be a good boy for 4 days. She agreed, but then conveniently forgot about this agreement over the weekend.

I had to figure out a way to get her back in.

Her tire was low the morning we were scheduled to go. I told her to just ride with me and we would go get some “Fix a Flat” in a can.

Instead of going to get a can of fix a flat - I took her to the marriage coach. At which point he negotiated 30 more days of time for me to shape up. She later told me the only reason she agreed to that was because he was so persistent.
He would state his case - that divorce was wrong and that there was better way, acknowledge how she had been hurt, and then restate his case. I guess he just wore her down till she agreed!

Now you may notice a couple of things. I’m not advocating being deceitful to get your spouse into a marriage coach, but I am advocating being persistent (not persistently annoying) and being creative.
If she won’t go - then you go until she starts to go.

Also ladies - I can tell you that from at least my perspective it will be tough to get your fella into a marriage coach, but you’ve got to be persistent and you’ve got to be creative. To me it felt like we were so far gone that there was no rescuing us if we went to a counselor. It was giving up. Had it been explained to me that it would be cheaper and better and that this has helped a ton of people then I would have been more open to it back when my eyes were still closed to everything wrong that I was doing.

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Is it better to stay married? It is the million dollar question right?

Well you don’t have to take my word for it. Check out these stats:

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html (110 hits)

What is interesting is that I imagine some will still twist the results into rationalizing a divorce when instead they could put that same effort into saving their existent marriage.
Start doing some homework to save your marriage buddy!

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The difficulty of what I am about to tell you is that you may not be able to understand until you have been there. People sometimes have to make their own mistakes before they realize what they missed out on. Just this once in your life - please don’t make the mistake before you learn.

Please please - if you are having marital problems- get help! Find the BEST counselor or coach that you can. Find the best books - some are on this site, but there are many more out there. Go out to amazon.com and read the reviews of books. You want the ones that say “this book saved my marriage”. Now is not a time to save money.”

To put this into perspective - folks in the Catholic church that have problems want to go to the former “alcoholic priest for help”. They go to this kind of priest because he has been through struggles and will know the pain you are feeling. While I certainly do my best to provide as much of a “brain dump” as I can on this site, there is always room to improve your odds from additional resources.

So find the proverbial alcoholic priest. It will be a counselor or coach with passion and understanding. It will be someone who has lived through this and survived. This is not someone who sits you in a room and asks you how something makes you feel - that is nothing more than a paid friend.

The coach you are looking for will be well known and will not have to advertise. It will be by word of mouth. Ask around in your community or with your friends that are wanting to help you with your marriage - not the friends that are just trying to comfort you and let you rationalize whatever it is you think is the right choice at the time.

I’ve recently heard the following:

There is someone out there for everyone - and my spouse just doesn’t feel like my soul mate. Why should I continue? Yeah it can happen, you could find the “perfect” one, but statistically you are buying a lottery ticket - it is better to play the cards you have been dealt.

When my wife started questioning whether we were meant to be together she even started searching for “How do I find my soul mate?” on google. The answers were revealing - the soul mate tests she took said that we were a good match. She deleted the results because she was in denial at that MOMENT in time. She wanted to rationalize her decision.

That is ridiculous though. Are you going to let some test on google help you rationalize your decisions

Times can change folks - if you get help and educate yourself and eventually your partner.

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