I read one book called The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships (16 hits). Honestly, this book was a bit too complex for my mind at that time. The target audience is women so that may have something to do with it – perhaps my simple male brain lacks the depth of relationship experience to truly understand everything Dr. Lerner is trying to say. I did learn one thing though. My wife needed space, but there was an amount of space that was appropriate.

If I gave her too much space I would start to lose her – too little and I would push her away. I used my male analytical skills to determine how much space she needed and gave her exactly that. It is counter intuitive. I wanted to just chase and chase, but that pushes her type of personality away. If your wife has said “I just need some space” in the past, then this might be a good read for you. It was really weird this phenomenon. I said to my counsellor – “Do you mean if I just leave her alone she has a better chance of coming back?”. In my wife’s case, the answer was a resounding yes.

I’m speculating, but if your wife is a bit of a drama queen, then maybe you need to give her less space.

Popularity: 29%

Share This (No hits)

I think the original expression was “All Work and No Play make Jack a dull boy”. Are you a dull boy?

One of the things I was doing wrong was spending way too much time at work. I kept telling myself – this is for a greater purpose so I can put the kids through college one day, so we can retire, or whatever reasons I came up with to rationalize the long hours. I do have a very demanding job, but I realized that I wasn’t working very efficiently either. I have a white collar job so you’ll need to filter this appropriately if you work in the great outdoors.

I started to learn how to make myself more efficient by doing some of the following things:

• I made a todo list for the day and got something done to get a momentum going.
• The first 10 minutes of my work day set the pace for the rest of the day. I stopped checking email first and instead focused on my todo list.
• I stopped checking email every 5 seconds. Just shut it off for awhile and stay on task.
• I then started focusing on the objective and task instead of the grand vision. While vision at work is good, remember that an idea without execution is normally useless.
• I quit having useless conversations with co-workers. Some of these are good for networking and relationship building, but some are a waste of time. Know the difference.
• I learned that I work to live, not live to work.
• I identified and purchased software tools that could make me go faster. Some tools can be used to increase your productivity tremendously.

• For email – I used Neo Mail (66 hits). This tool is awesome. I process my emails in 1/10th of the time now. It only works with Microsoft Outlook.
• Since I have mild programming skill, I wrote a whole series of tools for project management, etc. in Microsoft Office using some of the scripting stuff built into Office.

Popularity: 9%

Share This (No hits)

This one is simple.

Make a list of everything you are doing to make her angry.

Now – stop doing those things and don’t do them again.

Popularity: 10%

Share This (No hits)

A very wise friend of mine told me that I should not ever give up on my wife, unless I felt I had lost her “heart strings.” In other words, asking myself if she still had some link of love no matter how small.

Some of you may be in “dead marriages” where the “spark” has died off. I don’t have answers for that type of marital problem because I’ve never been there, but there are tons of books on the subject. I was in an angry marriage where we just argued all the time – about nothing usually.

I could feel her “heart strings” and knew that as much as she hated me on the surface – deep down inside there was a part of her that still loved me – and so I never gave up on us.

How do you know if you’ve got her heart strings? Only you know, but a good sign is that she had emotion towards you good or bad. There is a very thin line between love and hate – you just need to learn how to pull (not push) her back to the other side of that line. The pulling starts with sorting out all your crud first.

Popularity: 9%

Share This (No hits)

Depending on where you are at with restoring your marriage – you may have a chance to start going out on dates. This is pivotal. Dates must be scheduled and must happen or you may be right back where you both started.

Is she so angry that she will turn down a free lunch / dinner “just for old times sake” or just as “friends”? Wow. Well she may turn that down, but how about another opportunity to have some real fun together (not sex at this stage).

Tired of the usual boring dinner and a movie?

We tried flight lessons. Cost me $55 for about an hour worth of flight lessons. We had the time of our lives. It was cheaper than dinner and a movie!

Scared of heights? Then find something else that will be fun – that your spouse would enjoy. How about cooking classes? Swing dancing? Can’t afford it? You must afford it buddy. Do you realize how much a divorce will cost you not only in terms of dollars, but the rest of your lives?

When she was in the “I’m not going anywhere with you” state I took her and the kids to Six Flags. I knew she didn’t want to go, but she did go for the sake of the kids. We actually had fun. If you get her to go – then I want you to listen up.

You can do anything for up to 12 hours and still keep a smile on. Focus on fun – not your marriage when you do this. Dates create opportunities for your marriage to return to health by getting away from the bad memories and creating new happy ones.

You had to get a driver’s license to drive. You had to go to driver’s ed, take a test, received training right? It takes even more to get a pilot’s license yet if you are reading this it is likely you both were piloting your marriage without any training. It starts with you. You need to educate yourself and her if she is willing about marriage. With the lessons you have learned you can both do a different kind of flying with your marriage! Sounds cheesy, but it is true.

Ironically in my state, they make you take a divorce class before you can file, but there is no requirement for marriage class, no test, etc. I can’t wait to send this up to my congressman. Seems fundamentally flawed.

Popularity: 42%

Share This (No hits)

A husband and wife start down the downard spiral of divorce and guess what happens – all of a sudden you have free advice from all your friends, loved ones, parents, etc. and now me if you are reading this!

First, the relationship between a husband and wife should be strongest relationship you have with another person during your time in this world. Period.

Even your parents and children do not come before your marriage. Your parents’ may have changed your diapers and cared for you, but will never have the type of relationship you and your spouse have had and can have.

Your children will tell you and your spouse what you both want to hear just to appeal to each of you. For example, if your spouse wants a divorce – then the kids will say – “I wish you would just get a divorce”. If you want to stay – then the kids will say “You should go out on a date with mom”. First of all, the kids should not be involved in this mess, but somehow they get sucked in sometimes and then they can affect the decisions. I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule (e.g., Andrea Yates), but other than that your spouse is more important than anyone else in this world.

Second, I found that well meaning parents, friends, etc. come out of the wood work and offer advice. Some of these are nay-sayers (i.e., you can’t save the marriage). I brought some of this on myself as well by asking folks for help during my duress and accepting their negativity. You are listening to positive stuff by coming to this web site, but it is still advice. You just need to know how to filter advice, and how to filter what you have heard about your spouse through 3rd parties (I need to write this article still). Some of it may be true – some of it not, but don’t accept it all blindly and expect the worst (105 hits). Now, I’ve got some advice for you about advice. Irony at its best.

• Make your own decisions about what to do with your wife / husband. If you’ve got to, pretend that you two are the only human beings on this planet. Don’t “Jones” it with your spouse by trying to please everyone else. Are they going to be the ones living alone for the next year, and rethinking everything they did wrong if you mess this up?
• Be aware of expert advice from people who have never been in this situation.
• Be aware that the advice given may not ever apply to your unique spouse and situation.
• Quit talking to the nay-sayers and do whatever you can to lessen nay-sayer input to your spouse except trying to control him / her, being mysterious, and being dishonest. I simply asked my wife to quit talking to her “friends” so we could sort our family out and I asked her friends to stay out of the way. Once the “friends” see you as a person and realize there are two sides to the story they may back off from encouraging a divorce.
• Be aware of the success rate of the advice you are given. For example, if you receive advice from someone who is divorced, then perhaps their methods aren’t so successful. The proof is in the pudding. I stopped my divorce and so did many of the people I’ve taken advice from. That is the right type of advice if it applies to your situation.
• Watch out for counselors as well. I’d ask about their success rate before trusting anything given to you by a counselor. Proof is in the pudding. How many marriages have they saved and not saved?
• I wonder what happens to Dr. Phil’s patients 5 years after treatment. You should wonder too – his book (168 hits) is good, but don’t believe everything you read.
• Get your self some literary resources to help understand the themes I talk about on this site. I’ve provided links to the books that are generally recommended by most of the folks I’ve talked to. Each book tends to focus on a certain area or concept. I’m just trying to wrap up everything I learned into one collective body of knowledge, you still need the details.
• Lastly – if the advice given here does not apply to you then throw it out!

Popularity: 26%

Share This (No hits)

I was not handling the rejection or bad news very well during the downward spiral phase of our relationship. The trouble is that reacting poorly result can result in a self-fulfilling prophecy of its own by giving your spouse more ammunition to leave.

The books I have read indicate that a level response to bad news is what is desired. My personality ordinarily is level headed except when it came to my wife. I’d get some rejection or bad news, and get angry about it or do the wrong thing. I found that I could actually ward of this self-fulfilling prophecy phenomenon by doing something very simple. Expecting the worst. I’m not suggesting being a door-mat. If something is unacceptable then it needs to be made clear; however, avoid blame placement (you may have to take one for the team) and don’t freak out.

Let’s walk-through some examples that could happen.

• He went out and got drunk.
• She went out and got drunk and got a DWI.
• He came home at 4 in the morning.
• She is making calls to another man.
• He is cheating on you.

All of these things are but the tip of the iceberg of what can happen once your spouse decides to leave. You need to be ready because your spouse doesn’t like you right now and in some cases may want to hurt you.

I hope you really love your spouse, because you may have to really forgive them for some of the stuff they are doing or may do. You’ll likely need prayers and God to help with this part. You have got to turn the ship around – they have forgotten how to drive and are not the person you fell in love with at this time. In all likelihood, your spouse does not like you right now. However, there is hope in you for the both of you and through God.

I want to be abundantly clear on this part. You may be able to do this without some help from above, but you are taking a big risk if you really love this girl and don’t seek that kind of help. I truly believe that the man upstairs wants families to stay together, but if you are unable to humble yourself before the man upstairs you probably don’t have a fighting chance at this by yourself. Have you ever heard the expression “found religion” or “he found Jesus”? Now would be a good time for that to happen to you if it hasn’t already.

I know this because it happened to me. Do you think I would randomly put up some web site and write this stuff just for my health? That would not make sense. Seek answers and you will find them. The reality is – you may be going through this, so that you may be transformed into yet another “fruitcake” that believes in Jesus. This is similar to the concept of no pain no gain or a child falling down as he learns to walk. If the person I was 6 months ago heard the words I write today, my old self would have called my new self a fruitcake. I know this stuff can sound cheesy, but it is real.

Continue to be that level headed person and don’t get desperate, be patient, and try some of the tricks that have been talked about on this site to keep you from ruining any chance you have of rebuilding your marriage. Divorces have a life cycle to them and there are themes to things that work and things that don’t work. You can learn many themes from this site since they are summarized based on my personal experiences and hopefully that of others, but you need to become educated yourself. You don’t like to read? You better start. You don’t believe in God? I hope you start to because He can help a lot if you ask right i.e, don’t be selfish – pray for her not you, pray for His will not yours, etc.

One last thing about protecting your interests. My opinion is that it is okay to protect your interests so long as it is actually protecting both of you, but your spouse needs to be made aware of why and you can’t come off as trying to be Dad/Mom. Remember, you’ve got to love her with all your heart. It takes a sacrificial, vulnerable, one-way, but not creepy style love to bring her back. I do have a couple of things that can help and some special situations we need to talk about as well.

• I am assuming that she is a believer of sorts (maybe not a bible-thumper), but has some belief in God/Jesus, believes in a soul, hell, we are more than just talking monkeys, etc. She will be using the Bible to rationalize this decision, so you may want to find a good Christian marriage coach (216 hits) who doesn’t believe in divorce to help.
• I am also assuming that your wife isn’t some sort of psycho-path, etc. What the heck are you doing searching the Internet if you have problems like this – go find the best counselor in your state, church, etc. and figure out a way to get your spouse there. Get her diagnosed by a Psychiatrist (the kind that can prescribe medication). Mental illness and arguing are seldom compatible.
• I am assuming you believe in God – if not, you may be able to do this, but it will be a heck of a lot harder. If you don’t believe in God, then what’s the down side in trying to find Him? You may be about to hit rock bottom anyway – so give it a whirl.

Popularity: 8%

Share This (No hits)

Many times during the rough part of the marriage I found that my spouse was forgetting things that she had said or had committed to. I’m still not sure whether it was intentional at the time, but I did find it rather annoying at the time that she could keep a record of every transgression I had ever made, yet it seemed to me at the time that her memories would just evaporate about our agreements. In addition, sometimes miscommunications occur and eventually I learned to quit assuming her intentions were malevolent due to my own insecurities and so did she.

Here is what I did.

I got myself a log book and recorded on a daily basis all significant communications, her mood, my mood, mistakes I had made and how she reacted.

The log book also helped me remember what I both of us had said. It can also help you track what does and doesn’t work and serves as a reminder in the future so that you do not slip into your “old ways (168 hits)“.

It can also help to review your thoughts and feelings so that you can see how far you are advancing or regressing. It is interesting to read the thoughts from the rough period once you have moved on from that stage in the marriage. You’ll look at them and realize how bad you both were hurting.

While your spouse is still wanting to leave you – be sure and keep your log book safe from your spouse, but do not be mysterious about it. If your spouse manages to read your thoughts while you are in the rough period it could spell weeks, months, or years of lost progress because you haven’t yet transformed your mind and your marriage.

Popularity: 11%

Share This (No hits)

The goal is to take what I’ve learned and hopefully give someone at least one piece of information that may help save their marriage. Send me a post card or email the site admins if something works. If you’re rich send a big fat donation! To help promote the site, I posted some ads on Google to try and “lure” people this way.

What is interesting is that on Google, since I started running my key word based ads on Oct 31, there has been a tie between “get him back” and “get her back”.

However, “win her back” is beating the tar out of “win him back”. I guess we guys just keep messing up or we like the word “win” better as though she is some kind of prize.

Is she your prize? You had better believe it and you better treat her like she is the most important human prize in your life.

Popularity: 24%

Share This (No hits)

Marriages and relationships have stages. Stage 1 = Initial Bliss. Stage 2 = Fight Fight Fight. Stage 3 = Acceptance of each other / Intimacy. Stage 4 = Oneness. If you are reading this, you are may be close to reaching stage 3 if you can make it out of the mess you both are in. At stage 2 it is possible that the things that initially attracted your partner to you have become liabilities in your spouse’s eyes and possibly vice versa.

For example:

He is easy going = He is irresponsible.

She is detail oriented = She is too picky.

He is educated / intelligent = He thinks he is smarter than everyone.

She is athletic = She cares too much about sports.

He is fun loving = He never wants to be serious.

She is responsible = She is boring.

Get the idea?

Be aware of this phenomenon; however, you don’t have to change who you are – at least not completely. If you are generally a good guy/girl your spouse may recognize that, but there is no doubt you do some things that are driving him / her away. You’ve got to accept yourself and then work towards making yourself even better. Repackage your self – but you don’t have to change everything.

If you think this is cheesy, I suggest you read Dr. Phil’s book not only for the cheese, but to get yourself in the right mind state for bettering yourself. Your spouse can only follow once you lead the way. At some point, you may reach stage 3 – finally your spouse has accepted you and you have accepted your spouse. It has become a better US!

Popularity: 45%

Share This (No hits)